Friends with an EX?

Former Member

Ok....im feeling pretty stressed out this and i really need some good advice.
Im currently with a really nice guy.After a few initial probs we seem to be ok together.So thats not the problem really.
What is the problem is that my ex boyfriend of 20 months wants to be close again.He put me thru alot of nasty shit both during and after our relationship which although it ended last october,took me till about march to get over.
I went thru the "i love you why could you do this to me stage-i resent every part of you please die-your so pathetic-i love you so much-nah i dont actually-im complacent about what happened this has only made me stronger" stages and no im left with the "i cant stop thinking about you i want to be friends but im scared incase you hurt me again" stage.
My life has completly chanegd since we last saw each other.This is all down to us breaking up.
He was more than a boyfriend,he was my best mate and the only person ive totally confided everything is.I miss the closeness we had,dont have anything even remotely close to that with my blokey now.
My main reservations are that i think he still has feelings for me [despite the fact he lives with some girl who hes with] for various reasons.Everytime we talk on the phone or thru msn he always tells me about how he thinks about me alot and then gives me vivid descriptions about something we once did.He also goes on about still having every single thing i gave him and how he looks at it all often.But its when he starts talking about our sex life that freaks me out.
I dont know what hes after.I want to be friends but i dont know how im gonna react to that when/if it happens.Im so confused.Plus where does my bloke fit into all of this?If at all?
What should i do?

Former Member

I'm friends with my ex. He has a new girlfriend but we've remained close and text / speak on the phone quite a lot. Like you he was more than my boyfriend... we were together over five years, knew each other from childhood and lived next door to each other until 6 months before we split. I personally think it is natural for us to stay friends because we have so much history... it would be hard not to see each other and he agrees.

At the moment I don't mind him having a girlfriend. I thought it would really freak me out and mess me up but it hasn't, mainly because I've got enough on my plate in another aspect of my life.

With your situation it sounds like he could possibly have feelings for you and so becoming friends, especially when you say he hurt you in the past may not be a good step. Do you think you can be friends without the issue of getting back together rearing it's head? Why does he want to be friends now, at this stage? Are you happy with your new bloke? What does he think about your ex wanting to be friends?

Just a couple of questions there, sorry if they're too much!

Former Member

The hard and fast rule 9/10 is that it doesn't usually work to get back with an ex. Being friends is different, as long as you are both mature enough to remember that the relationship is no longer happening and that you are friends. You have to decide if you can do that - if you still have feelings for each other it won't be easy.

Be careful however you approach this, as one/both of you could end up getting hurt again.

Former Member

Id stay away, i made the mistake of seeing my ex again after 2 months and im now regretting it so much! He acted like we were still going out when he was saying he only wanted my friendship. He spoke about things from the past, which i really didnt need! Ive now come out worse from it and hate his guts even more. Im in vague contact with a few of my exs on msn, but they tend to live in other countries and were just different situations, we broke up for highly different reasons. I think the only way is to break all contact, someone always gets hurt otherwise.

Former Member

That depends, he wants to have sex with you, how do you feel about that?

Former Member

ginner wrote:

That depends, he wants to have sex with you, how do you feel about that?

Hahahaha!
Despite the super mega fantastical sex life we had together,the thought of sleeping with him now gives me the willies [hahaha excuse the terrible pun] a bit purely because of who i know hes slept with since
Im thinking its a bad idea to meet up.I know him and i know he'l want something more than friendship.
Knob? Yes i think so.

Former Member

BumbleBee wrote:

With your situation it sounds like he could possibly have feelings for you and so becoming friends, especially when you say he hurt you in the past may not be a good step. Do you think you can be friends without the issue of getting back together rearing it's head? Why does he want to be friends now, at this stage? Are you happy with your new bloke? What does he think about your ex wanting to be friends?

Just a couple of questions there, sorry if they're too much!

In answer to your questions : I dont even knwo if he does still have something for me its just the vibe im picking up on.I really dont think i would want to get back with him,but he has a way of manipulating me which may pressure me into reconsidering it.Im such a turd at times.
I dont know why he wants to be friends at this stage in time he just says "he misses me" and stuff.Personally i think his relationship might be going a bit tits up and hes trying to turn to me for support and maybe something else.
I am happy with my new bloke hes a good guy.But ive never been in a relationship where i spend so little time with someone.That really gets me down to the point where i sometimes wander if theres much point if we hardly see each other.In terms of what he thinks about me and the ex being friends.He doesnt know.Basically we arent close at all and we dont discuss those kind of things because hes a bit emotionally retarded.If i told him he would just be like "oh right thats nice".He wouldnt see the bigger picture and he wouldnt care.
Part of me feels bad about not telling him because it involves my love life which he is obviously apart of.Saying that though it also involves a very emotional part of me that he doesnt take and interest in or care about so if hes not going to bother then why should i bother telling him?
Pah i dont know

Former Member

It stinks that the guy i dated had to make me break up with him. I really enjoyed his company , ect. Now its so hard to get a hold of him. see how hes doing, ect. If he does attend college, i might run into him. so i hope we semi talking friends. Right now its hard for him i guess, he is avoiding the world right now. I guess time will tell. sucks even more, i sometimes remember those fun times, which i miss. which makes me miss him. im doing my best to move on and live my life , just taking time.

Former Member

it is possible to remain friends with an ex, only if there are no other feelings there tho, in your situation i think it could get complicated, im still best friends with an ex from which i split nearly 4 years ago now, we talk as often as we always have and wouldnt do anything to hurt her. maybe ive just been lucky.

Former Member

I hope its possible.

Former Member

i tried to remain friends with my ex, it was awkward at first because i kept worrying about him and it annoyed him. Then we were ok, but he told me his mum and step dad were splitting and him and his mum would be moving out in at some point when they had payed off debts, then i havent heard from him since - so i gathered he must have moved (to where i dunno) i tried texting him on his bday a bit back but no reply, he also lost his job in january so couldn't contact him there.....basically he's just dissapeared. He lived 200 miles away before aswell. So i gathered if he didn't bother to contact me, then he wasnt bothered about remaining friends. Kinda pissed me off that he just ignored me and left me to figure it out, but ah well. Just thought i'd share my story.

Former Member

I thought i could be friends with my ex...and we were for a bit...but a few weeks ago he turned into a jealous bastard becuase i have someone new and he apparnatly still wants me. But yes..i thought we could be friends but it hasnt worked...too much has gone on between us for us to stay friends. I realise that nwo after being hurt by him all over again. We split in dec 03 then got back together this year for 3 months..it didnt work. I feel so much happier now hes out of my life for good.