long distance relationship

Former Member

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years and we have had to spend much of that time living in each others countries to make things work. I decided last year to move to her country on a permanent basis but explained that in order to do this I had to work in my own country for a year and clear all debts and tie loose ends up.
We have met for brief holidays during this time but I have not seen her since January. Over the last months I have noticed a desperation in her for me to move over quicker which I explained I just could not do for medical and financial reasons. She has also been questioning why I have not proposed after 5 years.
I intened to move in September but after a heated argument 2 weeks ago she called me in tears telling me I had taken too long since seeing her last and I had hurt her too much. She tells me she wants to take time to make sure if she still wants to make our relationship work with all the obstacles stacked against us.
I totally see her point as I too have had doubts about leaving my home. The problem is that we still love each other but she does not want to see me until she has got her head right.
I guess Im looking advice as to what to do next. I do love her and want to be with her forever but I am worried she is expecting too much of me. Should I visit her and surprise her and tell her how I feel or should I let her call me when she is ready?
Im worried that we now are not speaking that we will just drift apart which neither of us want.
I would appreciate any advice or help anyone can offer

Former Member

It sounds to me like the time apart is eating away at her emotionally, it's giving her brain time to come up with situations and scenarios that scare her. If you can afford to, I would suggest now would be a good time for a quick visit, to put her fears to rest and for you to talk about how to move things forward.

Former Member

Im bit worried why she doesnt WANT me to go visit her. Surely if she was just having a bad time of things and I offered to visit she would be eager to see me. I dont really want to make things worse and go see her when she needs time to work out whats giving her doubts.

Former Member

Have you asked her what her doubts are?
She may be worried about seeing you because if she can't see you for a while after that it's very emotionally stressful to say goodbye when you don't know when you'll see them next (I know from experience )

Former Member

We havent spoken since we split 3 weeks ago but she told me before that there are too many painful obstacles in our way. We do have a lot of things to work through such as me getting work over there and getting a work permit and a house to live in etc etc. When I think about it myself it is pretty daunting but Im willing to try it anyway.
We have spoken a lot of times about this and I always seem to be the one who has to be positive for her and it is actually me who has to leave everything behind which I must admit I get v frustrated about. She keeps reminding me that she has made the effort to be with me while I was at uni years ago which is true.
I think she has maybe just lost the motivation to make the effort to make it work having been alone for so long.

Former Member

I was in a long distance relationship for 5 months, until i had to move back and it was very very hard. But I think it made us a lot stronger. Not every relationship can hack it, and it's never easy.

All i can sugest now is to keep talking. maybe at some point you will both feel like you should get back together, maybe you will feel at some point that you both want to part company for good. But just realise, it's a lot more painful to lose a friend as well as a partner, than just a partner.

sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

Former Member

The problem is that I just dont know how or when to start talking again. She made it clear before we broke up that she was fed up trying to be positive when texting and talking with me because she just felt so upset all of the time.
I have resisted the temptation now for 3 weeks to call and have only replied to a text message which she sent me. I would love more than anything to travel and visit her but I just feel deep down that she might need time to realise what she may be giving up on for herself. On the other hand she may be waiting for me to call her as I was kinda cold with her the last time we spoke.
5 years just seems a bit too long to be ended by 1 phone call which was really a result of an argument. Anyone agree?

Former Member

Just putting a different angle on this ...
She may be testing the waters a bit,seeing if your really serious about the relationship.She might actually want you to contact her but said didnt because she wanted to make out that things were a bit dire between you and her.So maybe shes secretly hoping you will cnotact her to prove you love her?
I dont know im probably wrong...woman are funny creatures

Former Member

Yep I see what you mean but its hard to prove how serious you are or how much you love someone over the phone isnt it? You can talk and talk until you are blue in the face but its still talk at the end of the day. We are very similar people (pigheaded and stubborn) and my worry is that the longer we leave it the more we will start to move on without each other.
I cant say for sure that she doesnt WANT to move on but she says that if we lived close by then there would be no problem and all her doubts are about the physical gap between us.

Former Member

i think you should call her. she probably really wants to hear from you and i suspect she is waiting for you to make the first move. just remember that when you argue with someone its the last thing you actually want to be doing.

if you have put off visiting her then she would have been very frustrated with the situation and maybe she couldnt handle it emotionally.
you need to visit her and let her know how much you want to be with her until you can finally go live with her.

Former Member

OK so I texted her last night just to say I was sorry for making out I didnt want to be friends if we split up and that I was willing to be friends with her. She replied instantly saying she was glad and that it was important to her that we are still friends. She seemed to be in good form but it seemed she was trying a bit too hard to sound fine - her messages seemed forced and a little distant.
She still gave no hint that she wanted to see me or that she was doubting her decision but admitted she really wanted to phone me earlier this week. I suppose I gave no direct indication of how I was feeling either - probably because she already knows! Later on I got a strange text message from her sister who I havent had any contact with in like a year saying that everyone was missing me and I was like her brother.
I just cant bring myself to fly all the way across the world (and I do mean all the way!) to find she needs time or actually wants to move on. Is loving someone enough reason to go to any length to be with them? Should I just accept whats happening and let things work themselves out either way?