she distrusts me so much...

Former Member

my gf and I have been together over 3 years now, been though our ups and downs, (as does every relationship I gather) but one thing remains;

I see pictures of her with guys who are her freinds, it's all well and good, I dont mind, they're just frieinds right?

however, she sees me in a picture with some freinds, (some of whom happen to be female, it's not like all of them are) I've made in the last year or so at uni, and she straight away is suspicious. "why are they standing so close", "you didnt tell me you spent all evening with a girl" (which I didn't) etc.

even when I became freinds with them because they were helping me with my revision, these freinds (& only freinds).

I cannot seem to dissuade her mistrust, and convince her that she's the only person I love which sucks, because I hate the feeling of guilt I get when I spend time with that group of freinds.

anyone have any suggestions? (sorry for the length...)

Former Member

Show her! You can't just tell her she is your only one you should show her by doing something sweet and or over the top for her, then no matter who you spend time with she will know that you love her above everything else b/c of the lengths you went to for her happiness. That would work for me

Former Member

i don't really think you can make her trust you, if she doesn't trust you..she doesn't trust you. have you given her reason to not trust you?

Former Member

You can't force her to trust you if she is naturally someone who doesn't have any trust or confidence.

Get her to sort her head out. It's not your responsibility.

Former Member

Blairx0 wrote:

Show her! You can't just tell her she is your only one you should show her by doing something sweet and or over the top for her, then no matter who you spend time with she will know that you love her above everything else b/c of the lengths you went to for her happiness. That would work for me

I agree, you should do something for her to really show her that she's the one for you

Former Member

Maybe you could organise a night out and invite both your girlfriend and your female friends? That way she would be able to see for herself there is nothing going on, and perhaps even the fact that you invited her aswell as your female friends would calm her down.

Good luck!

Former Member

Thanks for all your replies

I have not given her reason to be jealous as such... but she has found it. In that I have spent time with other people (because they're my freinds) etc.

I quite like that bit, it's nice to know she'd rather have me all to herself than share me of course

however, her insecurities read the worst things into every situation. She is convinced I had a picture of some girls legs on my phone, (they were a guys and she did not believe me) & that I've been on a double date with another girl and a couple who are my freinds. Sure we went out together randomly, but just because we all happened to be there, it most deffinately was not a date, it was a bunch of freinds going for a wander...

I understand perfectly where she starts drawing these conclusions, but her mind runs riot and things escalate way out of purportion

Former Member

Blairx0 wrote:

Show her! You can't just tell her she is your only one you should show her by doing something sweet and or over the top for her, then no matter who you spend time with she will know that you love her above everything else b/c of the lengths you went to for her happiness. That would work for me

You want him to reward her irrational fallacies? But that will just encourage the behaviour. Actually, if she's highly dillusional she'll likely interpret any change is his behaviour as compensation for an action he's feeling guilty about.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that there's nothing going on, the timeframe's up to you but, if she doesn't learn to trust you, then I'd leave her rather than live your life being accused.

Former Member

ginner wrote:

You want him to reward her irrational fallacies? But that will just encourage the behaviour. Actually, if she's highly dillusional she'll likely interpret any change is his behaviour as compensation for an action he's feeling guilty about.

You know what, you're right, that's some payoff for her behaviour.

And if she's pathalogically jealous she'll skew any event to fit her worst fears.

Former Member

You can't make someone trust you. Flowers and meals wil not make someone trust you.

She has to learn to trust in herself.

Former Member

xHannahx wrote:

Maybe you could organise a night out and invite both your girlfriend and your female friends? That way she would be able to see for herself there is nothing going on, and perhaps even the fact that you invited her aswell as your female friends would calm her down.

Good luck!

...this along with the pressies and special treatment idea, strikes me as a bad one indeed. I mean, yeah it could reinforce the idea that your gf is the one and only for you and that your a good boyfriend. BUT it could also make her already suspicious (or at least thats how you have made her sound) mind work overtime i.e. "Why am i having to meet these "friends" and getting pressies? Whats he hiding? Whats he making up for?" etc.
I agree with the point that she is going to have to learn to trust you as things lie. If your not doing anything wrong, why should you change your behaviour or make allowances for her mistrust.....

Former Member

AlmightyBob wrote:

I agree with the point that she is going to have to learn to trust you as things lie. If your not doing anything wrong, why should you change your behaviour or make allowances for her mistrust.....

She has always had a tendancy to be the jealous sort, and she does indeed take things and misinterpret them in the worst way possible sometimes, esepcially if she's in mid mood swing


She told me I had to destroy all pictures I had of her the other night, but she didnt seem too pissed off with me today. It always seems to be a good idea to give her a day or so to cool down till she starts thinking rationally again :chin:

hmm, it's all a bit hard really, as you've all highlighted!

Former Member

Replicant wrote:

She has always had a tendancy to be the jealous sort, and she does indeed take things and misinterpret them in the worst way possible sometimes, esepcially if she's in mid mood swing


She told me I had to destroy all pictures I had of her the other night, but she didnt seem too pissed off with me today. It always seems to be a good idea to give her a day or so to cool down till she starts thinking rationally again :chin:

hmm, it's all a bit hard really, as you've all highlighted!

Destroy all the pictures?!
Someone has some serious jealousy issues...

Former Member

I suggest you tell her that yes, you understand her concerns, but that she needs to be more trusting. Not much more you can do.

Former Member

i had a brilliant relationship with a girl i loved more than anything and i turned like that

couldnt help it ... completly fucked my own head up over nothing ... all sorts of thoughts went through my head and i sat and picked through everything ... i was so paranoid over nothing and i couldnt stop it

and it came to the point where she walked away from me

felt like the end of the world .. until i noticed drugs 'helped' things ... now look where thats got me !

Former Member

to be honest, from what i've read you can do a lot better. who wants to be in a relationship when they're not trusted?

Former Member

lucifer devil wrote:

to be honest, from what i've read you can do a lot better. who wants to be in a relationship when they're not trusted?

very true, but she has found "reasons" to mistrust me. She's always been insecure in some ways, but like I said, most recently she found (whilst nosing through my PC) some pictures of a floor mate of mine last year. Understandably, they do look like very flirty photos, although in my defence, I didnt take them, and they were part of a large file of photo's from the first 2 years of my uni life, that I'd transfered from a freinds PC.

I can understand why she'd be pissed off having found those, but I do have a perfectly good explination, like I said, I didnt take them & they weren't sent to me from her... *sighs*

doesn't help that she's been moody as hell recently either. Sometimes she's perfectly amicable, then the same evening she'll be suppremely annoyed with me, having remembered something, or having dreamt up some obscure fantasy where I've been with every female freind I have behind her back :crazyeyes:

just argg! :shocking:

Former Member

A relationship can't work without trust, that's all I'm saying.

Former Member

well, it seems everything stems from me not spending enough time with her... Which is fixable. Still, I wish we didnt have to go through all of this :no:

Former Member

ginner wrote:

You want him to reward her irrational fallacies? But that will just encourage the behaviour. Actually, if she's highly dillusional she'll likely interpret any change is his behaviour as compensation for an action he's feeling guilty about.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that there's nothing going on, the timeframe's up to you but, if she doesn't learn to trust you, then I'd leave her rather than live your life being accused.

Well you say that, but she may be feeling this way due to lack of confidence/worrying. I don't think being that harsh will help, not if she really loves him anyway.

Perhaps the best method would be a combination of both. Make sure you work with her to overcome these worries, ask her why she feels this way, etc, rather than taking the bullish route, which IME doesn't work.