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How to cope
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
This is a bit of a shot in the dark, as I don't know what advice can really be dispensed.
But, a very close friend of mine (and my boyfriend's best friend) died suddenly last Friday. He was on holiday with my boyfriend and some other friends in Slovakia, on a mammoth lads' holiday they'd been hyping up for months and months. Obviously I wasn't there, but I'm deducing that they were all pretty drunk and flippantly crossing a road, they all got across just ahead of an oncoming bus, and he didn't.
There have been huge delays in everything for various reasons (his Libyan father couldn't get a visa to enter the country; there was an investigation; and to top everything off there are ongoing arguments about the nature of his burial - conflicting religions, and different home countries are the least of it) but the rest of the guys flew back (the first time I've ever really realised why travel insurance is so vital). Naturally I was terribly upset when I heard the news, and all his friends and family are devastated, but I'm dreadfully worried about the state my boyfriend's in. He flew back to Birmingham on Sunday and I drove down to pick him up...I was expecting him to be in an awful state, but nothing prepared me for the way he was and has been since. He's swinging wildly between an almost catatonic (for want of a better word) trance, and crying until his throat's raw. The only way he's been getting any sleep is by exhausting himself through crying. I'm really very anxious about it, and he's dismissed the idea of seeing a doctor, a counsellor, or anyone. I suppose I don't even think I'm surprised at all by the way he's feeling, or behaving, since he saw his best friend killed and is blaming himself completely. He's telling himself that because he was the one to organise the holiday, and because he got them all revved up about how much boozing etc they were going to do, that this horrible accident is entirely his own fault.
He had one "normal" afternoon on Monday, when he decided he would take it upon himself to start arranging a Muslim burial. He rang up practically the whole of Newcastle, and when he had no luck he just crumbled back into a state of absolute misery. I've never even seen him cry before, and it's an awful, awful feeling because of the layers of his self-blame and grief and loss. I never thought there'd be a situation where I'm tip-toeing around him, for fear of having to confront things head on, and see him in this broken state.
I've never been in this situation before; the few bereavements I've had have been distant relatives and/or anticipated (not that that makes them easier to come to terms with, just the added shock factor with his death threw us all). I'm really not sure if I should be calling a doctor, or telling his parents the full extent of things (they're living abroad at the moment, and I hate to worry them)...I really don't want to go down the route of seeking medication for him (be it sleeping tablets or something else) as I don't think he'd forgive me...but maybe it's the best option. Basically I'm not sure if I should be leaving him to come to terms with this...if this is "normal" grief (if you can pigeon-hole grief, I don't know). He doesn't like me being around him very much, and I've just been checking on him really.
On a personal level, I'd think I'd like to speak to someone myself, at some point. Obviously it's not my first priority, but I do know I need to. I'm not sure if it's best to seek out a personal consultation via my GP, or if calling a bereavement "hotline" is a better first-step. I definitely feel as though I need to air my own grief about this. I know it must sound awful and selfish, but being in the house these last few days, I feel like I'm being smothered by dark thoughts and pain. It's really difficult, although I know we're by no means the first people to be in a situation like this.
Any advice or direction is appreciated, thanks.
But, a very close friend of mine (and my boyfriend's best friend) died suddenly last Friday. He was on holiday with my boyfriend and some other friends in Slovakia, on a mammoth lads' holiday they'd been hyping up for months and months. Obviously I wasn't there, but I'm deducing that they were all pretty drunk and flippantly crossing a road, they all got across just ahead of an oncoming bus, and he didn't.
There have been huge delays in everything for various reasons (his Libyan father couldn't get a visa to enter the country; there was an investigation; and to top everything off there are ongoing arguments about the nature of his burial - conflicting religions, and different home countries are the least of it) but the rest of the guys flew back (the first time I've ever really realised why travel insurance is so vital). Naturally I was terribly upset when I heard the news, and all his friends and family are devastated, but I'm dreadfully worried about the state my boyfriend's in. He flew back to Birmingham on Sunday and I drove down to pick him up...I was expecting him to be in an awful state, but nothing prepared me for the way he was and has been since. He's swinging wildly between an almost catatonic (for want of a better word) trance, and crying until his throat's raw. The only way he's been getting any sleep is by exhausting himself through crying. I'm really very anxious about it, and he's dismissed the idea of seeing a doctor, a counsellor, or anyone. I suppose I don't even think I'm surprised at all by the way he's feeling, or behaving, since he saw his best friend killed and is blaming himself completely. He's telling himself that because he was the one to organise the holiday, and because he got them all revved up about how much boozing etc they were going to do, that this horrible accident is entirely his own fault.
He had one "normal" afternoon on Monday, when he decided he would take it upon himself to start arranging a Muslim burial. He rang up practically the whole of Newcastle, and when he had no luck he just crumbled back into a state of absolute misery. I've never even seen him cry before, and it's an awful, awful feeling because of the layers of his self-blame and grief and loss. I never thought there'd be a situation where I'm tip-toeing around him, for fear of having to confront things head on, and see him in this broken state.
I've never been in this situation before; the few bereavements I've had have been distant relatives and/or anticipated (not that that makes them easier to come to terms with, just the added shock factor with his death threw us all). I'm really not sure if I should be calling a doctor, or telling his parents the full extent of things (they're living abroad at the moment, and I hate to worry them)...I really don't want to go down the route of seeking medication for him (be it sleeping tablets or something else) as I don't think he'd forgive me...but maybe it's the best option. Basically I'm not sure if I should be leaving him to come to terms with this...if this is "normal" grief (if you can pigeon-hole grief, I don't know). He doesn't like me being around him very much, and I've just been checking on him really.
On a personal level, I'd think I'd like to speak to someone myself, at some point. Obviously it's not my first priority, but I do know I need to. I'm not sure if it's best to seek out a personal consultation via my GP, or if calling a bereavement "hotline" is a better first-step. I definitely feel as though I need to air my own grief about this. I know it must sound awful and selfish, but being in the house these last few days, I feel like I'm being smothered by dark thoughts and pain. It's really difficult, although I know we're by no means the first people to be in a situation like this.
Any advice or direction is appreciated, thanks.
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Comments
Firstly, at least your boyfriend is expressing his grief, albeit in a very open and extreme way at least he is not bottling the feelings up. He is clearly not only feeling grief but guilt as well as you have explained. If you feel you want to tackle the issue yourself, maybe encouraging him to talk could help but i honestly believe he needs to talk to a professional because you yourself need to grieve and you need to do this, otherwise your feelings could be pushed aside and never fulled be dealt with, until a time when you are least expecting it.
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
9.30am-5pm 0870 167 1677
one specialising in road accidents 9am-9pm
0845 4500 355 www.roadpeace.org
the samaritans 08457 90 90 90
I hope that if you get chance to talk to one of these you will, if not make an appointment to see your gp. They can also give you some advice on your boyfriend.
It is clear he will not be able to carry on how he is doing, for now, at least he is sleeping even if it is just through wearing himself out crying.
Try and encourage him to talk to some of the others who were on holiday with them as they will all be going through similar grief, seeing someone die is greatly stressful and im so sorry for you all.
What a horribly sad situation for everyone involved. First of all, my deepest sympathies to you, my dear.
There are a few things here, really. Mainly you are worried about your boyfriend, of course, but because he was a friend of yours, too, you need support of your own. I guess one of the biggest things to remind you is how new and raw all this is. It's such a cliche, but give it time. I know that's hard at the moment seeing your boyfriend in such a state, but try to be patient for now.
Saying that, I do think there are some practical things you can do to help him and you. It sounds like you are shouldering all of his grief right now. Not contacting his folks for fear of upsetting them is making youself a bit of a martyr - if they care they will want to help him and they will certainly want to know how he is feeling. Having their support will help him and also give you more space and time to grieve.
You can also contact some organisations for advice on how to help your boyfriend and on dealing with your own grief. CRUSE offers free, confidential advice and infomation for any young person affected by a death. Tel: 0808 808 1677. web: http://www.rd4u.org.uk/
Also, take a read of TheSite's article on Dealing with death that will help you to understand what grief is and how to start dealing with it.
I hope some of this helps. Grief is a long, complicated process and no two people go through it in the same way... that's the hardest part - finding your own way of getting through it. Talk to as many friends as you can, get their advice and support and always remember your friend to keep him alive in your heart.
Take care
Hannah Spanner xx
Thanks for the reply, it's all very wise advice and I'm especially grateful for that link to roadpeace, I'm definitely going to try contacting them tomorrow. I had already thought of talking to the Samaritans, maybe it's all just a bit too fresh, as the idea of explaining the entire story over the phone is a bit daunting, and not something I'm sure I could do at this point.
I've spoken to his other friends, who were on the holiday, and some are definitely coping better than others. One of them offered to come around and see him, but my boyfriend was just set off by this, and there's no way he wants to see any of them, yet anyway. I think much of that is that he feels guilty, and I have tried explaining that no one sees it as his...or as anyone's, fault. Obviously I'm no psychologist, and it's clear to me that he thinks I don't understand how he's feeling...I probably don't. I just think the chances of him speaking to anyone are very slim.
'Time' is the word that I've been hearing the most over the past few days, in relation to both my own feelings, and his. However I don't think of it as a cliche, well not completely, because I know it's true. Things aren't going to become wonderful, but I know they're going to get better, step by step. Patience is indeed a virtue, that I'm finding it hard to maintain any kind of grasp on right now. I'm finding it very hard not to get angry, and not to get visibly upset, because I don't think that would help either of us. I thought briefly about getting out of the flat and going to my parents' for a night or two. Then, I'd be scared to leave him alone; not because I think he'd do anything drastic, but because I'm clinging to the hope that my presence is helping him in some way. As you said in the bit I quoted below, I should probably let his parents know the latest developments. I just feel as though the situation would become more loaded, because I'm sure he'd feel I'd overreacted dragging his parents back from overseas. They do know about the accident though, and have been very concerned and all the usual things..I'm just not sure how conducive their presence would be to anything improving.
Like I said, I will be contacting one of these organisations, even if it's merely on my own behalf. I'll also read that article you recommended, I feel that the sooner I start taking steps to dealing with things, the sooner I can begin to heal. Talking on purely selfish terms, because I'm sure I'd be more able to support my boyfriend through things if I'm in a better place myself (for want of a better expression).
I'm also seeing my best friend tomorrow, we're just going to go to the park for an hour or so, walk and talk. She's been affected too, as have most of our friends, so maybe it will help to spend some time with her, air some thoughts and just get outside and hopefully a little more positive. As both of you said, it's going to be a slow healer I'm sure, I'm just scared because he's not going to come out of this unscathed. It's a frightening time.
But thank you again Hannah and lexijb, both of you. Your advice, and just knowing that someone heard me, is invaluable.
I'm sure he is appreciative of what you are doing for him and he does indeed need you right now, but grief does funny things to us, including turning us inwards on ourselves and shutting others out - this could be something that you could explore with someone outside of the situation, such as one of the helplines I suggested.
I read about something scarily similar in the newspaper today. It happened in Bratislava(not sure if thats spelt right).
The article pointed the finger at the bus driver, and the state of the bus, being unroadworthy.
I hope your boyfriend can find a way to find some peace and not take the blame for the accident. Good luck
What you read was most likely about this, it's a pretty awful story. I haven't read anything in our local news, despite him having lived here, but I did hear something through his cousin about it having been in the Northern Irish news.
Thank you for your kind thoughts though, they're appreciated. I hope he'll find some peace, too.
Spanner - thanks for the continuing sage advice, it's thankfully received and I know I'll try and follow as much of it as I can. I contacted his mum and she was great, she's planning a trip back, if I still feel as though I need her support next week (and I'm pretty sure I will). My boyfriend's coming around a little, he woke up just a little after I did this morning, and we had breakfast together. He's back in the bedroom now, so I'm inclined just to leave him. He's also said he doesn't feel like he can face going to the funeral, which is on our doorstep now. But maybe he'll have a change of heart, I don't know.
Anyway I just wanted to say thank you, I was in a pretty grim state of mind when I first posted, and the advice definitely lifted me out of it, even if only a little. I'm going to try every route I can, because I don't want this to take over my life, I just want to keep his memory alive, as twee as that sounds. Hopefully, eventually that'll apply to both of us.
xxx
Thanks star*, it means a lot.
nicebutdim23 - I agree that going to the funeral would've been a good first step, most probably for both of us. But I don't think that'll happen now, although I can't say for sure. As long as he gets closure in his own way, I know he'll get through this, it's just the time inbetween that's the concern. Anyway, thank you for your reply, and your advice.
I think guilt is an incredibly normal reaction to death - in fact practically all reactions to it are normal reactions - they differ so wildly.
I think contacting cruse would be a good idea for you to maybe get some tips on how to cope with your boyfriend, but its probably a bit too early for him to have counselling, its still too early and too raw.
it must be really difficult for you to deal with not being able to comfort him or make him feel any better. this is something he just has to work through. The feeling of helplessness is the thing my ex said was the worst when his girlfriend lost both her mother and father in the space of a year and he could do nothing to make her feel better.
With your boyfriend it sounds as though because it was such a violent unexpected death, he could be suffering from post traumatic stress too. i dont think it would hurt for him to visit his doctor but he has to feel ready.
once again, my condolances.
Thank you, sorry for the late response, don't think I'm not grateful
The feeling of helplessness is the biggest issue still, you're so right about that, but both it [that feeling] and my boyfriend himself are getting better. I think a lot of his [my boyfriend] difficulty in facing up to things is indeed because it was so unexpected and yes, violent. I hope this is something he (or we) can work through in time, although he's definitely coming round in a short-term way. He's been in Northern Ireland with our friends' parents and that's helped him, he came back changed. He's going back to work on Wednesday (his choice, he hasn't been pushed obviously) and I think he's adopting the 'battle-on' approach. Not to say the deep-rooted impact won't be explored at some point, he has been referred to a counsellor by his GP and is awaiting further news re: a date. But I think in the very short-term sense he's coming to terms with it all, and realising that our friend would want him to carry on as normally as possible.
As for me, I feel a lot more positive, and although it's not nice to say - my daily life is almost back to normal in terms of my activities. Obviously I still think about him a lot, and probably always will. Hopefully soon it'll be a happy thing to have those memories, I suppose it's all just still a little fresh not to hurt. However, I just really wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to me, your compassion and advice (along with your well-wishes) really helped me. Which I think, in turn, helped my boyfriend.
Thanks again, it's deeply appreciated.