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Confused & lovesick
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My boyfriend of 2 and half years split up with me a few weeks ago saying he needed space. Something i didn't understand, as we are at uni together and he is v.busy, so dont get to see him much anyway. We emailed each other for a few days and he said that he didn't mean anything he said & that he realises how much he takes me for granted & that he wants to be with me forever. Yet yesterday he split up with me again saying that he doesn't know if he is in love with me but he does still love me and care for me. he doesn't know whether he will reget spliting up with me or if he will regret not splitting up with me. It hurts inside & i just want to be with him & speak to him. I miss him so much and i can't see myself with anyone else. I keep wanting to contact him but i know i need to give him a few days to (hopefully) realise what he could lose. Can anyone help me to understand what he is thinking or help me to accept what may happen? I'm so lost without him
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I don't think you can actually do anything, as frustrating as that may be. He needs the space and time to work out what he wants. He may've said that he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you but obviously something is stopping him. He needs to work it out for himself.
If you keep at him then he may resent you. You have to let him come back to you. We won't know what is going through his head, only he does unfortunately.
Your b.f sounds very confused about his feelings, and i get the impression he's trying to sort out his feelings, whilst hurting you as little as possible. there's a very fine line between Loving somebody and being IN love with them, and with the 2 other you being at uni, this line could've become blurred.
Well done for giving him the time and space he needs - bcos at the moment that is the best thing you can do. Be friendly with him if u see him around uni, but at the same time dont smother him with clingy actions.
As for helping you with what he's thinking, only he knows that. Maybe he's snowed under with uni work. Often stress from outside the relationship can be taken out on the relationship itself.
Keep seeing your mates, have a few girly nights. get out there and have some fun, but try not to worry!
SBG
Forgot to mention last time that as he was splitting up with me he told me that a girl fancied him & he found her attractive. She has also tried to kiss him & got about 1cm close to his lips before he pulled away. He said he's never done anything behind my back & that he wasn't interested.
Anyway, when i went to have a chat he told me he was going to pick someone up from work at 12 at night! He was a bit coy, unlike him, so i asked was a girl & he shyly said yes then i asked if it was her & he didn't answer. He said he was just picking her up as he had offered & that he was just going to drop her off & go home & watch a film. Then basically made me leave his house & said he needed to go upstairs to get 'something'. he had his keys & his phone with him so i couldn't think what else he needed.
Later i realised that the only thing he could possibly need is a film to watch round her house after he has dropped her off! He has sent me an email since trying to reassure me that all he did was drop her off, but i don't believe him.
What do you guys think? I havent told him that i realised what that 'something' was by the way or even spoke to him since i left the house.
Edited because I put leave me alone and not leave him alone, guess it was a bad day at work !
i hope ur ok tho, jus keep swimming!
I know that sounds harsh but it's like a defence mechanism. Leave him some space, and that's not just for his benefit but for yours too! You need to know you can survive without him and have fun without him. Obviously that sounds like a ridiculously big step right now, but take baby steps. Go out with your girlfriends and have fun, take time to do all the things you haven't had enough time to do recently, and do these things for yourself. The happier you are in yourself, the more confident and independent you'll be. And then either you'll be in a position to move on from your relationship, or he'll be more convinced that he wants to be with you, knowing that you're a happy and balanced person and not someone who's just going to cling to him.
He has said about this girl that he is not interested in her as he just finds her physically attractive and there needs to be more there than that & there isn't. I stayed at his one night just for compnay & the next morning he was aroused but all we did was kiss but i could tell he really wanted me. Then a few days later he came round for tea & he was very flirty & cheeky with me & we ended up having sex and later on he let me stay at his again.
The next day he picked me up from work & again i went round to his with the sole intention of just having some company but again we had sex. Both times he said afterwards that it was wrong, but yet he did it again anyway. The next morning he left me to doze in his room - perfect opportunity to check his phone. I found out who this girl was & on his phone were several texts from her & to her saying that they really liked each other. Also one from the day before asking was she free at some point but i couldn't see a reply.
So, later on he picked me up from work again & had tea together, then went upstairs for a bit of a fumble, but no sex this time. he went out with his mates that night. The next night he invited me to the pub with him & his mates. Afterwards i asked could i spend some time with him as i was alone in my house & he said no. Next day i saw him in the afternoon & he said 'maybe' we could spend some time together later. We did & went round & watched a film & stayed the night. In the middle of the night, i took the opportunity to check his phone. He had been texting her in the pub while he was with me asking was she free later that night but she hadn't replied til after he had left me, which explains why he wouldn't stay with me, but she had said no anyway - haha! Then another one asking if he could see her that night too but i think he had saw her after this & she had obviously said no as i was with him. One text was to his mate saying that he was keeping his evening free for her. He woke up shortly after & we eneded up having sex again but this time he didn't mention anything about it being wrong just seemed really happy about it afterwards.
I mentioned her to him & he insists that he has never done anything & gets really upset when i say thats what i think & feel, often starts crying. He claims he hardly sees her but he must do. I feel like i'm second best & don't understand what is so special about her.
I remember him talking about her a few months ago saying how one of his mates was trying to pull her for ages and then another one of his mates did. She sounded like a bit of a prick tease & its seems as though she is teasing him too & in the texts he keeps asking to see her & she keeps saying she's busy. I think he may possibly be making a show of himself, what do you think?
I can't understand why he is so flirty with me & keeps having sex with me & then is pursueing her on the side. Its not the person i know or at least thought i did. He is very shy & has low self confidence. I'm not in love with him anymore but i'm not ready to see him with someone else & still want to be with just a bit longer. I feel like if he does go out with her then he split up with me for her & thats what will devestate me & i'm scared of that happening.
He says he won't tell his mates about having sex with me because he thinks they will be disgusted with him. I'm guessing that maybe he means because he is after this other girl who they all know, not cos its with his ex.
He doesn't know that i have found out who she is or that i know he is still pursueing her, as far as he is concerned i think he is not interested in her. He said he still fancies me, in fact he couldn't look at me when he said it because he would want to kiss me.
Any advice?