boyfriend's impotence

Former Member

im 18 years old, in a relationship of about a year and 9 months with a 22 year old. everything's wonderful in the relationship apart from my boyfriend's impotence. i use this term to mean that more often than not he can't get an erection that's hard enough for us to have sex. sometimes nothing at all. recently, things have been worse to the point that he really can't get an erection at all (my fault: i booked us a weekend away thinking that being away from home, just the two of us might make things better.it backfired) and now im feeling like i just can't cope with it. i listen to my friends talking about sex and feel so jealous, and hate lying about my lack of a sex life. i hate telling my boyfriend it's ok, that it doesn't bother me. recently i brought up the idea of seeing a doctor about things, he got very upset by the idea but agreed it would be good...but it hasn't been mentioned since and i don't think he'll go. he seems in denial about things sometimes, if we are sometimes able to have sex for a few minutes he'll kiss me and talk about our "wonderful" sex life.it would break his heart for me to say otherwise but sex is such an important thing for me, at my worst points i feel torn between my selfish side wishing i had a "normal" sex life and hating myself for being so superficial....is it fair to persuade him to go to the doctor or do i need to get things into perspective and focus on the other parts of my relationship?

Former Member

Maybe his stressed? Stress can do this and loads more. Plus having anxieties about not being able to get a full erection will also put a damper on things. Have you asked if there is anyting bothering him apart form his problem? Also there ain't any reason to feel selfish because every relationship needs sex and if one cannot provide for the other things will get a little hard.... no pun intended there.

Former Member

well that's the thing, we've talked quite extensively about the cause of the problems but can't come up with a concrete answer as to why. i know there's nothing else bothering him. this is partly why i want him to go to the docs so we can get a better idea as to why this is happening and how to improve things.but i don't know if it's fair for me to ask him to go when it obviously scares the hell out of him

Former Member

What's he so scared about going to the docs for? Does he not wanna tell them about his problem?

Former Member

he's scared they're going to tell them he's physically impotent, permanently. which i can also understand.at first i thought god wouldn''t u rather know what the cause is and get the appropirate treatment???but now i understand his point of view better.if he doesn't go to the doctor he can ignore it to an extent, bury his head in the sand

Former Member

He can ignore it but the anxiety will get him. Ask him if he'll do it for you? Why not just tell him the truth, I know it may hurt but it won;t be the end of the world and there ain;t any point being unhappy,

Former Member

ive already asked him to go and he agreed but hasn't made an appointment.i just feel that if i keep bringing it up he'll feel more anxious and it'll make things even worse sexually

Former Member

By the way does your fella have anything like diabetes or even high blood pressure.

Former Member

can't Viagra be subscribed for it?

Former Member

Ask him if he usually wakes up with an erection. If he doesn't, he should see his GP. If he does, it's more likely to be a psychological cause.

Can he ever get erections or is it just when you want to have sex that he can't? Does he have any medical problems?

Former Member

before you go to the gp you need to do the stamp test- dr chris on this morning says thats the first thing they will ask you to do, so if you've done it you can move things forward quicker.

i have a feeling that viagra doesnt actually work if its a pyscho-sexual problem, doing the test asserts whether its that or a physical problem. you are doing everything u can but this does need sorting. at 22 its really really rare for impotence to be permenant, so he needs to face up to it.

i know you dont want to put pressure on him but i think he does need to know how unhappy he is making you

Former Member

the stamp test is what charlotte did to trey in sex and the city. u have to put a ring of paper round his penis at nite and if its broken then he gets nocturnal erections

Former Member

I feel your bf's pain. I have no problem getting erections unless I'm about to have sex. I could be hugging the girl and start getting arounsed...yet when it comes down to bed antics nothing happens. It's frustrating for me and I feel like I'm insulting the girl. My friend puts it down to nerves but I don't know what it is. That's my reason for being a virgin at 21.

Former Member

These problems are surprisingly more common than most people realise in young men. The good news is that it's usually something that can be rectified with either medication, counselling - or both. Of course your boyfriend is nervous about going to the doctor - it's embarrassing and it would mean having to face up to the fact that this a problem. The good thing is that you seem completely supportive of the situation and you have already been communicating well between you - many couples going through this would be sweeping the whole thing under the carpet.

Impotence

Viagra

SEx therapy

The erectile dysfunction institute is also crammed with info and links to doctors etc.

I hope some of this helps you - and your boyf! Good luck with it

Former Member

Kentish wrote:

Ask him if he usually wakes up with an erection. If he doesn't, he should see his GP. If he does, it's more likely to be a psychological cause.

Can he ever get erections or is it just when you want to have sex that he can't? Does he have any medical problems?

this is complicated.i know about the 'morning erection' test and he does get erections in the morning.thing is i still don't think they're as hard as an erection should be although my boyfriend doesn't seem to realise this.its been a problem since he was 18 so i feel like his concept of what's 'normal' has changed now...a slight erection is a big deal for him now.

doctors appointment booked for monday.exciting to finally get some answers...i know a few of you have asked whether its psychological or sexual but its not so clear cut as one or the other i don't think.
thank you for all the replies...now im just trying not to get too scared about the near future.at 18 years old i don't feel anywhere near mature enough to try and give the support i need to.the 18months have been hard enough (excuse the pun ) and i know it's about to potentially get a lot tougher.one of the main difficulties for me has not being able to speak to a single person about this- i talk to my boyfriend to an extent but imagine, you're sat there unable to get an erection feeling like a complete failure the last thing you need to hear is how upsetting it is for your girlfriend aswell.so talking to you lot has been a real relief
ps. nicebutdim is the stamp test truly what doctors ask you to do???
pps.thank you for the website links, sadly ive already spent hours trawling through them.sometimes knowledge is power but other times it's so depressing

Former Member

buy some porn

Former Member

yeah thanks for that helpful reply.its not exactly that simple which you would realise if you had any idea what you're talking about

Former Member

lil yellow star wrote:

this is complicated.i know about the 'morning erection' test and he does get erections in the morning.thing is i still don't think they're as hard as an erection should be although my boyfriend doesn't seem to realise this.its been a problem since he was 18 so i feel like his concept of what's 'normal' has changed now...a slight erection is a big deal for him now.

He probably would benefit from seeing his GP, but the fact that he gets erections in the morning means there is nothing intrinsically wrong with him that would make him impotent.

Former Member

lil yellow star wrote:

yeah thanks for that helpful reply.its not exactly that simple which you would realise if you had any idea what you're talking about

its an idea to see if itmight help or something

it wasnt a random knee-jerk foolish post
it was an idea to see if anything could be helped

Former Member

its what the dr that goes on "this morning" tv show says that dr ask the patients to do

Former Member

This happened to me, and I got through it. I was with my first girlfriend for 6 months, and we never succeeded in having sex because I couldn't get an erection, or when I did get one it just went soft before penetration. It completely devastated me, and the stress it caused me was a big factor in her dumping me. She couldn't cope, I don't blame her. Not long before we split up, I went to the doctors about it, and even went along to Relate once (on my own). The consensus was that I was getting too nervous, and the fact it happened the first time we tried had made me worried initially, and it got into a vicious circle. The advice was to buy a book by Bernie Zilbergeld (very good book, helped me understand what was going on), and for the two of us to come along to counselling sessions once a week, after some initial assesments, etc etc. By that time it was too late, and she'd never have come along anyway.

6 months later, I met my current girlfriend. I was in a much healthier state of mind and had far fewer worries in my life anyway than when I was with my ex, but even so I thought 'fuck this, it's not happening again'. I bought some Cialis from a company in India over the net. It's like Viagra, only it stays in the blood longer, takes less time to become active, and works with alcohol (aparently). The first night she stayed over, I was very nervous. So I popped a pill, and it bloody worked! The second time we had sex, I was a lot more relaxed, but I took 1/4 of a pill anyway. At first nothing happened, and I thought 'oh well, nevermind' and we carried on the foreplay. And it worked again! The third time, I didn't take anything, and all went well.

The secret is to just relax and be confident about it. That's easier said than done if it's gone wrong every time and you're constantly worrying about it, which I was. Hence the pills.

When you breach the subject with your boyfriend, don't be harsh or blunt about it, just say you're concerned about him and you think it's time it got sorted. Unless there's anything physically wrong, he's just getting too nervous to maintain an erection, and once he's got over the 'stage fright', he'll be fine.

When I was going through it I got extremely depressed, and not long after we split up I went on anti-depressants (which I'm now off) because it was completely consuming me and ruining my life. It's very difficult for anybody to understand what a terrible effect it has on your life unless you've been through it, I know my ex never understood just how much it was screwing me up. Don't tell him it's really bothering you, it won't help him and will probably just depress him even more and make it worse.

Anyway, I hope this helped. When I looked around back when it happened to me, I was given a load of mostly useless advice wherever I looked. One of the things I did discover is that it's a common problem amongst guys, and it's shocking how little good advice there is to be found. My doctor was kind, but he just told me to relax.

I would highly recommend the book I mentioned above (search for the author on amazon, you'll find it), and I would highly recommend your boyfriend taking Cialis to get his confidence up and prove that he can do it. Forget all the 'it's a prescription drug you shouldn't take it without a doctors advice' crap, doctors won't prescribe it for a psycological problem like this, even though it worked in my case. I will be mentioning it to my doctor the next time I go. For the sake of legalities, it is technically illegal to import it as I did, and you should read up on all the risks first, because you shouldn't take it with certain medical conditions.

Any questions do ask, I'll try and check back here for a while, including my private messages.

Good luck.

Former Member

phew,doctors said it was most definitely psychological...sounds a lot like what happened to you duckfck (ive pmed you), but we got prescribed some cialis too just to help build his confidence up a bit.£8 a tablet though!!!still it'll be so worth it.we're also going to relate for some psycho sexual counselling,i think i'll probably be the youngest person they'll have seen for this sort of counselling in a while.not looking forward to this,although i'm trying really hard to keep an open mind.anyone been for psycho sexual counselling??

Former Member

btw can you remember the name of the book duckfck cos amazon search came up with quite a few books by that guy?

Former Member

'The New Male Sexuality' - B. Zilbergeld - published in 1999.

Going to a counselling session can be quite intimidating, but bare with it, and in this instance you may not need to go to very many. When I went the one time, I got the impression that this was one of the more easy to treat problems, as I gather they deal with some pretty heavy stuff a lot of the time.

Glad my post helped, hopefully it'll help others too. There's no need to go through the shit I went through, all it takes is understanding the problem, and a few pills.

Former Member

buy cialis?

hey i just wanted to say that i have the same problem and it sucks. i'm 18 so i can't talk to my friends about it, and i can't talk to my family about it. ive been with a girl for 8 months and i'm hard as a rock with her basically until i get my pants off, then nothing. i was wondering duckfck where did you buy that cialis from, because i've been trying for awhile hoping it wouldn't resort to that but i don't know what else to do... i think my girlfriend thinks its her fault, even though i tell her its not. if anyone knows a reliable source where i could buy some viagra or cialis you would be a lifesaver. please help

Former Member

machine_gun_joe wrote:

...i think my girlfriend thinks its her fault, even though i tell her its not. if anyone knows a reliable source where i could buy some viagra or cialis you would be a lifesaver.

You're 18. You don't need viagra. Here's theSite's article on impotence.

Former Member

stargalaxy wrote:

You're 18. You don't need viagra. Here's theSite's article on impotence.

viagra's not just prescribed for a physical problem i recently found out.my boyfriend got prescribed a drug to try help him get his confidence back, not because he's got physical problems.

Former Member

lil yellow star wrote:

viagra's not just prescribed for a physical problem i recently found out. my boyfriend got prescribed a drug to try help him get his confidence back, not because he's got physical problems.

That's a new one! I suppose it may have its uses, but 18-year olds don't need viagra to help out with their sexual problems.

Former Member

no viagra and other drugs aren't always the answer but for a psychological problem there aren't always easy solutions.me and my boyfriend tried to get psychosexual counselling at relate but basically couldn't because a) there was no way we could afford it long term and b) we don't live together, we both live with parents so couldn't put the time in to do the 'exercises' several times a week as we have don't have the privacy needed to work on our sexual problems as the therapy required.we have no other option except for him to take a pill now every time we want to have sex.

Former Member

stargalaxy wrote:

That's a new one! I suppose it may have its uses, but 18-year olds don't need viagra to help out with their sexual problems.

how do you know!!

Former Member

yeah...ive heard from a few places that its used in psychological cases to help build confidence, and its really my last resort ive had this problem for about 6 months now... so could anyone help me out?