Do I throw it all away?

Former Member

I'll try and be concise..

I'm nearly 40. Been living with 'X' several years. We have a small child. We've been very happy, best mates, she's one of the best people I know.

And I hate her. She's always been insecure, and a bit of a moaner, but in the last coupla years it's got intolerable. I've got a temper, which eventually got to the point where I pushed her over. For me, this is beyond acceptable. And it seems to me that now she tries, almost daily, to try to make me lose my temper again.

She's also not well, and can't really work or look after our child. Well, she can, but it makes her feel shit.

Sex is OK, but no more than OK. It has been great before..

I'm pretty much determined to leave as soon as she's well again, but surely that can't be right?

I want to have sex with other people, but I don't, cause she'd hate it and I don't know how to hide it from her. I've even thought about going to a prostitute. But as I believe prostitution is fundamentally exploitation, that's out.

I'm gonna agonise whatever, but maybe one of you can show me some light?

Former Member

You know how people mirror other people's feelings sometimes... like, when you've been in a relationship for a long time, it doesn't take much to figure out how your partner is feeling? Well perhaps this is what's gone on here? Perhaps your partner is somehow picking up on your unhappiness, and it's making her unhappy, too? And maybe even vice versa?

I'm not meaning to suggest that this is all your fault (or hers), and that you are to blame for the way that she is (or vice versa) - we all understand that we can't help the way we feel, and that's all fair and good - but it's my opinion that two people in a relationship can pick up on when the other isn't happy, and this can cause any relationship to spiral.

I think you need to be honest with her. There's a child involved here, and I'm not stupid enough to presume that I know anything about what it's like to have children and what effect they have on a relationship, but surely by being open about the situation, it would help her to see things a little more clearly? What if she's not aware of the fact that she's making you lose your temper every time she pushes you? What if she doesn't realise she's doing this? I think it would help her to know how you feel... she needs to know that you find her insecurities (and thus certain behaviour of hers) intollerable.

My mum has suffered depression the entire time I've known her, and my parents were married for 15 years - eventually her illness became too much for my dad, and he, too, found it very hard to cope. In the end it was my mum who left - she left my siblings and I with our father - and although it was a horrible time, we're all much happier for it now. I think the key to this is honesty - you need to tell her how you feel. Perhaps she'll even open up to you?

It's not fair on you to put yourself through this anymore. Two years, you say, you've felt like this? You have a life, too, and you're entitled to a bit of happiness.

Good luck to you.

Former Member

if your truly unhappy then you have to get out for yourself or you will be un happy for a lot longer. you have been there for this person for ages and yeah shes prob gonna feel a bit shit for a while. i think she needs you alot in her life. but even though its a nice feeling to be needed you should also feel wanted.
dont stay with someone for the routine or for the sake of it.

if you did 'throw it all away' would she still speak to you? would you get to see your child?

you sound like a great guy tho.
take care

Former Member

I've tried telling her. But the bottom line seems to be that if I lose my temper, raise my voice, respond angrily at all, then I'm in the wrong and there's nothing else to discuss. So I seem to be expected to just take it for an indefinite period..

She doesn't see that I don't have any other answers.

Yes, I'll still see our child if we split. As I said, she's good people.

And I know it's a spiral. For sure it's a spiral. I suppose it's whether we can make it change.

Or how long to try for.

I wish I knew.

Former Member

Originally posted by mawhin
But the bottom line seems to be that if I lose my temper, raise my voice, respond angrily at all, then I'm in the wrong and there's nothing else to discuss.

I know it's hard, but have you tried sitting down and having a calm, matter-of-fact discussion about it? Instead of arguing or losing your temper, raising your voice or responding angrily... this will not help her at all, and she's bound to become defensive. What about just sitting down as a couple and discussing the problem in hand? Trying to come up with solutions together as opposed to on your own. I know it sounds terribly formal and quite daunting, but it always worked for me in my relationships (of all kinds - family, friends, partners...) - talking about things properly, and not snapping in the heat of the moment is a much easier way to get things out in the open. It might be a painful discussion, but it will get you further than snapping at each other.

I wish I knew the answers for you, too, but I suppose you can only keep trying for as long as you allow yourself. I hope a few more people respond to this thread and give you their input so that you can weigh up a few ideas on how to approach this.

All the best.

Former Member

Pick up phone.

Call Relate.

Make appointment.


Seriously, even if she refuses to go with you and you go by yourself, or you don't end up staying together, they can help you make sense of everything that's going on, they offer an excellent service. Don't think about it, just do it.

It's too complicated really for other people to try and shed light on events purely from what you've posted here. Whether we say you should stay or go or whatever - only you can ultimately decide that. I know only too well that sometimes things break down irrepairably and there's no other option but to split, but trust me, with a kid I think you'd want to make this the last resort.

Also, you say she's ill.... how long has she been unwell? I know, from first hand experience again, how much pressure that can put on a relationship, and how depressed it's probably making her, being unable to do the things she needs to do. Is she expected to get better, and if so, do you know how long it will take?

ClaireBear

Originally posted by Miffy
Pick up phone.

Call Relate.

Make appointment.

And the number for Relate is 0845 1 30 40 16.

Seriously, they could really help.

CB