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please help
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey. this is gonna be long but please bear with me as i really really woudl appreciate some advice, no matter how harsh or whatever.
right. i suffer from pretty bad depression, due to a number of reasons such as health problems, family problems and just general things. lately its not been too bad because i'm really fighting it. however tonight...i just lost it. i felt suicidal for the first time in a long time and was just so angry and miserable.
first things first. i split up with my boyfriend recently because he was a different religion to me and my parents would never have accepted it. also, i was feeling guilty because i lost my virginity to him but everytime we had sex i'd feel bad. he hadn't been treating me very well either lately and so i just felt breaking up with him was the right thing to do. but this doesn't mean i stopped caring or even loving him. this was a couple of weeks ago and i still really miss him.
during the time i was contemplating breaking up with my boyfriend i realised there was a guy on my course who i really fancied. i managed to get his number and i'd catch him looking at me and stuff. but then there was not enough to think (or hope!) he fancied me too. then a few days ago he came and sat next to me in oour seminar but proceeded to completely ignore me! later on i texted him about something he had said and in his reply he told me he was going out that night and asked if i was coming. i was going to the same club as him with my flatmate so i said i'd probably see him there.
once at the club i was sooo anxious to see him i was all jittery! he came upto me, but i have very low self confidence and self esteem and sometimes this makes me come across as very cold. we spoke for a while then he went off.
later on i saw him while dancing but he wouldn't come over so when other guys were dancing with me, i was quite provocative. it worked and my flatmate told me the guy was staring everytime i danced with another guy. eventually he just came up to me, grabbed me and we started dancing and kissing. then he started to back away and while facing me, dance with his male friends. i knew this was just a in-the-club-snog but was a bit disappointed. i turned away and started dancing with my flatmates and that was that.
the problem is i really do like this guy and im making a fool of myself because i randomly text him and while he texts back a lot of the time, i feel like i'm being a real pain in the arse to him. i don't know why, its not as if i'm being ridiculous in what i text him (ask him if he will be in lecture, going out, etc), but i just feel my crush on him is blatant.
i really detest myself at the moment, for getting into this depressed state again and i think somewhere in my mind i've convinced myself that if only this guy wanted me then i'd be fine. its stupid i know but...it comes back to having not much self confidence. i guess a part of me knows he wouldn't have kissed me if he didn't find me attractive but still - i just want him.
i saw him tonight at the student union and i'm pretty certain he saw me but didn't come over. i'm so angry at myself for being so disappointed by that, i just don't understand why i can't accept this kind of situation. i feel like a clingy stalker type person almost, simply because he's on my mind so much.
i don't know what to do. i don't want to be depressed so badly again, i don't want to be stuck on a guy who is clearly just out for some fun (who can blame him? - but why the fuck can i not be like that??), i don't know how to act around him...i just don't know where i stand with anything.
please just give me some kind of response. if you've actually managed to read this far, i'm really truly thankful.
right. i suffer from pretty bad depression, due to a number of reasons such as health problems, family problems and just general things. lately its not been too bad because i'm really fighting it. however tonight...i just lost it. i felt suicidal for the first time in a long time and was just so angry and miserable.
first things first. i split up with my boyfriend recently because he was a different religion to me and my parents would never have accepted it. also, i was feeling guilty because i lost my virginity to him but everytime we had sex i'd feel bad. he hadn't been treating me very well either lately and so i just felt breaking up with him was the right thing to do. but this doesn't mean i stopped caring or even loving him. this was a couple of weeks ago and i still really miss him.
during the time i was contemplating breaking up with my boyfriend i realised there was a guy on my course who i really fancied. i managed to get his number and i'd catch him looking at me and stuff. but then there was not enough to think (or hope!) he fancied me too. then a few days ago he came and sat next to me in oour seminar but proceeded to completely ignore me! later on i texted him about something he had said and in his reply he told me he was going out that night and asked if i was coming. i was going to the same club as him with my flatmate so i said i'd probably see him there.
once at the club i was sooo anxious to see him i was all jittery! he came upto me, but i have very low self confidence and self esteem and sometimes this makes me come across as very cold. we spoke for a while then he went off.
later on i saw him while dancing but he wouldn't come over so when other guys were dancing with me, i was quite provocative. it worked and my flatmate told me the guy was staring everytime i danced with another guy. eventually he just came up to me, grabbed me and we started dancing and kissing. then he started to back away and while facing me, dance with his male friends. i knew this was just a in-the-club-snog but was a bit disappointed. i turned away and started dancing with my flatmates and that was that.
the problem is i really do like this guy and im making a fool of myself because i randomly text him and while he texts back a lot of the time, i feel like i'm being a real pain in the arse to him. i don't know why, its not as if i'm being ridiculous in what i text him (ask him if he will be in lecture, going out, etc), but i just feel my crush on him is blatant.
i really detest myself at the moment, for getting into this depressed state again and i think somewhere in my mind i've convinced myself that if only this guy wanted me then i'd be fine. its stupid i know but...it comes back to having not much self confidence. i guess a part of me knows he wouldn't have kissed me if he didn't find me attractive but still - i just want him.
i saw him tonight at the student union and i'm pretty certain he saw me but didn't come over. i'm so angry at myself for being so disappointed by that, i just don't understand why i can't accept this kind of situation. i feel like a clingy stalker type person almost, simply because he's on my mind so much.
i don't know what to do. i don't want to be depressed so badly again, i don't want to be stuck on a guy who is clearly just out for some fun (who can blame him? - but why the fuck can i not be like that??), i don't know how to act around him...i just don't know where i stand with anything.
please just give me some kind of response. if you've actually managed to read this far, i'm really truly thankful.
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Comments
Maybe you need to look further than this lad and do something about improving your confidence because it seems like that is the underlying issue, maybe going to a gym, maybe even seeing a counsillor (sp?) and getting to the route cause of your depression. Sorry I can't be much help.