Depressed friend,please help

Former Member

Please help, I really need advice from you guys. I've posted on here before about a friend with eating problems. Well, her problems have got so much worse, she's now on anti-depressants, but still really depressed, going to counselling, and has talked about suicide a lot,as well as starting to cut herself. I just don't know what to do.

I'm not having an easy time myself at the moment, I'm having a hard time coping with a chronic illness, and I've ended up going to counselling. I'm also not sleeping well, and generally having a bit of a hard time. The thing is, I just don't feel able to help my friend. I'm trying so hard, but it's just exhausting, and I don't feel like I make any difference. And I know this sounds really selfish but I just can't cope with her problems on top of mine. I spoke to my personal tutor at uni today, and she was saying that it's not fair that this much pressure is being put on me, and in some ways I know that it's true that I can only cope with so much, but at the same time what can I do? She's a friend, and I wanted to be there for her in the past and still do now, I can't just turn away now.

But I do just feel there's so much pressure on me. She talks so honestly with me about cutting herself, and wanting to die, and I just can't handle it sometimes. Quite a few times I've been too busy to speak to her on the phone for whatever reason, and then the next time I've spoken to her she's said that when she rang she was either hurting herself or thinking about suicide. I know she doesn't mean to put pressure on me, but now I can't help thinking that every time she rings or wants to talk or whatever, she could be feeling like that, and it scares me.

Sorry to ramble, but I could really do with some advice, I just don't know what to do.

Thanks, Tates x

Former Member

Sorry to hear about the trouble you've been having.

I used to have a friend who was very much like this, but I learnt that there was never anything I could do to help directly, all you can do is listen and let her know that you're there for her. I was the only friend that she had in the world and so I was the only one who could listen to her going on about unhappy she was and her wanting to kill herself etc. I know its a heavy subject to deal with, especially when you have your own problems and I did feel very helpless cos I felt like I couldnt help her.

The only way she's going to make a difference to her life for the better is by her doing it herself, all you can do is listen and I'm sure she's extremely greatful that you're listening and trying to help. If she didnt have people like you then she probably would have ended her life a long time ago.

I agree with your tutor when she says that it is unfair that your friend is putting so much pressure on you and that you can only take so much. You don't have to put your life on hold for your friend and she has to know this. Just let her know that you're always there for her




Its taken me ages to write this cos I know its a touchy and difficult subject to deal with. Best of luck

KB xx

Former Member

I have a friend who had a friend like yours. She would call at all times of the day and night threatening to take an overdose etc (and never did), and it really got my friend down. It sounds like the same has happened to you.

The advice I gave my friend at the time may seem a bit harsh and she was reluctant to take it, but I suggested that she stopped answering the phone every time this girl would ring. As the girl trusted my friend, she was able to persuade her to see her doctor and seek professional help (i.e. reduce her dependency on my friend).

Now, 6 months on, my friend has graduated and moved on and the girl is much improved. In her case she had a lot of family issues which were the root cause of her depression and behaviour.

My advice is to do as much as you are able, and then be frank, be brutal, but tell your friend how you are feeling and how she is putting pressure on you.

You cannot solve your friend's problems. Your job as a friend is to provide a listening ear and sensible advice as required. It's time to get serious.

Former Member

Info on personality disorders

Former Member

Re: Depressed friend,please help

Originally posted by Tates
Quite a few times I've been too busy to speak to her on the phone for whatever reason, and then the next time I've spoken to her she's said that when she rang she was either hurting herself or thinking about suicide. I know she doesn't mean to put pressure on me, but now I can't help thinking that every time she rings or wants to talk or whatever, she could be feeling like that, and it scares me.

how unfair is this? really?

there's a vast difference between being someone's friend, and being their emotional crutch. being there for her is admirable, but to be quite honest, i think there's a wee bit of emotional blackmail going on here.

you say she talks to you honestly, but it sounds like she's sharing too much. you're her friend, not her counsellor, and there's only so much you can do. she has to pick herself up. it sounds like you have enough on your plate at the moment, and i'd be interested to know how much sympathy she has for how hard you have it. i'm willing to bet it's not half as much as you have for her.

sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to let them go. and that's not as scary as it sounds. she can still come to you whenever she needs to, but she doesn't need to go into detail. that makes it your problem too. and it's really not. and you're not a bad person for needing more space.

Former Member

Hiya Tates

I know this sounds very basic, but have you ever shared your own problems with your friend? Maybe she hasn't given much thought to what's going on in your world... We all deal with problems differently and it sounds like you two fall into different camps - your friend blurts it all out and expects others to do the same, but you maybe keep it in a bit more and expect people to ask you if you're OK before 'burdening people'.

I may be wrong, but if this is the case, maybe you should take a chance and open up to her about your problems - it would give your friend a boost to know you've confided in her and you never know - it could help you, too. Alternatively, do you have another friend that you could talk to?

This article about helping people with mental health problems could help you. Also, if you weant to talk to someone confidentially about your problems, try Careline:
Telephone counselling service for children, young people and adults on any issue, including relationships, depression, mental health, child abuse, bullying, rape and sexual assault, domestic violence, addictions, stress etc.
Telephone: 020 8875 0500
www.careline.org.uk

Take care

Former Member

Hi Spanner,

Sorry, I don't think I properly explained everything in my first message. Basically, she knows about everything that's going on with me at the moment. She came round here last night, and I specifically said to her that I'd had a big chat with my personal tutor about not sleeping and what I could do about it, and how it's affecting uni, and that I was gonna make a real effort to sleep well that night. I thought she'd take notice of that, but by 10.30 she was still here, talking about how she felt like she just wanted to go and drive her car into a tree. I know I should just try and distance myself a bit, but I don't know how I can even begin to do that when she keeps saying stuff like that.

I don't mean to sound angry, I'm not angry with any of the advice given here, just with the situation in general.

Tates x

Former Member

It sounds like a tricky one, then - your friend could definitely do more to help you too. It's hard when you're the sort of person who really cares to not take loads of responsibilities on your shoulders. It's hard to know what to suggest, apart from (like you said) distancing yourself a bit and putting yourself first for a change. Maybe you could limit seeng this friend to once a week? Put aside one night a week for yourself and just chill out and do the things you like to do. And spend time with people who WILL listen to your problems and take you seriously.
Good luck - I hope you manage to find a better balance x

Former Member

Originally posted by spanner
I know this sounds very basic, but have you ever shared your own problems with your friend? Maybe she hasn't given much thought to what's going on in your world... We all deal with problems differently and it sounds like you two fall into different camps - your friend blurts it all out and expects others to do the same, but you maybe keep it in a bit more and expect people to ask you if you're OK before 'burdening people'.

I recognise this description through and through. I remember when my parents first asked me to talk about my problems with them. I refused, as I didn't want to burden them. (though they wouldn't have seen it that way) So, I prefer talking to my counsellor instead. However, in this case, I would agree with everything Spanner said. She was an enormous help to me when I posted a thread a few weeks back about depression, so please take heed of her advice.

Former Member

Hey guys, thanks for all your advice. Well, I listened to what everyone had said, and tried to do the distance thing, which didnt really work if I'm honest! She rang me the other day from right by my house, so I didn't know how to turn her away.

So, since that didn't work, I went for the honesty track. Everything came to a bit of a head, cos she'd been talking to me about feeling suicidal a lot, and I'd ended up telling my personal tutor how worried I was. She was brilliant, and said she'd think about what to do, and I should go home and try and relax a bit. Anyway, that night my friend came round, and I basically told her exactly how I was feeling. Not in an accusing way, but just being honest. She seemed to take it quite well, made an appt the next day to see her g.p and her counsellor, because I made it clear that as much as I can listen to her I can't help her to change things. She said she appreciated my honesty, and I really hope that's the truth. I know things won't just get sorted overnight, but I hope that things are going in the right direction.

Thanks guys for your advice, I just needed a push in the right direction to do what I had to do. Thank you!

Tates x

Former Member

Tates, I wish you good luck.

Former Member

Good luck with everything. Let us know how things go

Former Member

Hey guys, just need a chance to offload a bit!

Well, things seemed to be going really well with my friend, but to be honest I'm at a loss at the moment. I've managed to get a lot more distance between the two of us, but I'm still finding it really hard.

Her behaviour just seems to be getting more and more bizarre, and I just can't ignore it. And she's starting to pressure another of my friends now, which is so hard to watch. Yesterday, she apparently took some scissors out of her bag, and just said, 'look, I've just cut myself, you can still see my blood on them'. My other friend was so upset after this, and came to talk to me so stressed out, and I just don't know what to say. I partly feel it's my fault, cos I've pushed my friend away, and now she's putting all this pressure onto someone else.

And today she arranged to meet us, and told us she was waiting, and then when we got there she didnt appear for 5 or 10 minutes, so we rang her to see where she was. She said she was in the toilets, and then when she came out she had no coat on, and a short sleeved top on, and obviously had been cutting herself. I just don't know what to do anymore. It sounds awful, but I just feel so angry. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to distance myself from the situation, and I just can't, and it's dragging me down so much.

I don't know, maybe I'm just being unfair, but I'm just so fed up and tired of everything being so difficult. I know it's not just her, I'm having a hard time myself which isn't helping, but I'm just fed up with everything being an effort.

Former Member

Hey again
Poor you this sounds like a really difficult situation. The way you describe it sounds like your friend is crying out for attention - if she is cutting and then leaving it exposed she must want you to notice. You say she has a counsellor and has gone to the gp which is a good step for her but she still seems to be involving you a lot.
The honesty approach may have jolted her momentarily, but don't back down. Keep being supportive, but stay firm in how much you can be involved. You've done the hardest bit which was telling her how you felt, so keep with it. Just tell her what you tell us - she obviously ahs lots of problems and needs support, but you do too and she has to realise that.
If you need to talk to someone, the following organisations may be a bit more helpful than me (I hope!)

Careline
Telephone counselling service for children, young people and adults on any issue, including relationships, depression, mental health, child abuse, bullying, rape and sexual assault, domestic violence, addictions, stress etc.
Telephone: 020 8875 0500
www.careline.org.uk

SANELINE
Offers practical information, crisis care and emotional support to anybody affected by mental health problems. The service is open from 12 noon until 2am.
Telephone: 0845 767 8000 Website: www.sane.org.uk

take care x

Former Member

It's also good that you are meeting up with her with another friend too. That way you and your other friend can 'debrief' afterwards and not have to shoulder the burden on your own.

Like spanner says, you have to be firm about how much time you can dedicate to her, but she obviously needs support.

To be honest, it seems pretty obvious that she wants to get things off her chest and talk about her problems, otherwise she wouldn't be showing you her cuts. Would it be appropriate to sit down with her and just openly ask her what's troubling her?

Former Member

Hey Kentish,

I know what you mean about it seeming like she wants to talk, but I've already spoken to her a lot about the specific issues, which mainly come from her family. It's difficult, cos it does still seem like she's not getting what she needs from people, but I just don't know what else to do to help her. But thank you, and Spanner too, for your advice. Hopefully it'll get easier with time.

Tates x