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my god, i need help

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
right, im not sure how to say any of this, so i'll just get it out as it comes into my head, i might be done in five minutes, it might take me half an hour.
sometimes, i get up in the morning, and god i just hate myself. and i hate my life, and sometimes i even hate the good things in it.
im not getting to point of keeping going, you know? i dont see how me being here serves any purpose whatsoever. and i dunno, like im holding tim back from something so much better. im not worth his time. i know this, and sometimes i wish he would too. because i feel guilty for having him. and for telling him what's going on in my head, because i know it must scare him. and sometimes, god this sounds awful, but i hate him being here. because i hate dragging someone to hell and back over and over again, and knowing it's not gonna stop. it's not fair for him.
my way of dealing with what's going on, freaks some people out i guess. coz nobody knows what to say to me, or what's going to set me off, or how far i can be pushed. and i just ignore everything that's going on in my head, and i laugh. like a freak sometimes. i know it sounds weird, but it's true. i switch off all my pain, and just pretend that i'm really ok, and nothing can hurt me, and everything is good. but it's not, and everything that is good is prevented from flourishing by me being too young to make these decisions for myself. trouble is, the people in charge of making them for me know less than i do. and i just feel used by a whole bunch of people.
this is all confused and mixed up, i'll finish it later. you dont have to reply, i just have to get my feelings out sometimes...

words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe, pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, possessing and caressing me..
nothing's gonna change my world.

©lovely freaks

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    {{{{Ickle}}}} you sound in desperate need for medical attention, Please try and get an appointment with your gp first thing on Monday, he may diagnose depression and offer medication (it doesn't mean you'll be on them forever just in the short term) and perhaps in addition refer you onto a psychiatrist who can then put you into the right treatment, he may instead of the psychiatrist refer you directly for some form of therapy which although is a long and hard slog is extremely beneficial. In the mean time you could try Depression Alliance where you may find additional support to the support we can and will gladly give. If there's anything we can do, just ask us we'll do our best <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    Take Care Ickle
    Luk

    The river is wide and oh so deep. I've been walking around in tears, No answers arethere to get. Cause between this world and eternity there is a face I hope to see
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do know exactly what you feel like, i have the same thing myself, where I tell myself over and over 'what's wrong with u? u knwo things are going well, why are u so upset?' btu it doesn't make any difference because i don't seem to believe myself.
    I've been on the point where i think that there's no point in carrying on, what is the point of being here? ami going to contribute anything to the world? of course not, i'm just one guy, how could i possibly do anything?
    Why am i still here then? because i can't help the world but with a bit of luck i might be able to help the people in it, and so do you. you're not a purposeless person, you do good work here, we all look to you for advice because you know what you're talking about. you're a special person to us and you don't trouble us by asking for advice, in fact the reason we keep coming here is because we long to help out, it's what keeps us going, like an addiction <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
    Tim will feel the same because he's still with you and loves you, which is why he wants to hear what's wrong, he want's to help you too, who would not want to help someone as cool as you??? I know what you're feeling now tho because I've had that all my life, not wanting to inconvenience other people with my problems, but the people here really want to know. You don't drag tim down by asking him for help, in fact it brings you closer together.
    But reading what you're feeling is really spooky because it's exactly what i used to have, especially the laughter and trying to shut out problems but it was just me trying to protect myself and the people around me.

    You're not a burden to anyone and you should never feel that you are, I know that you probably won't believe me on that point, because that's what i'd have thought, but if u wanna chat or anything u know where to find me <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    Good luck and don't get yourself too stressed ((((((((ickle))))))))



    This Is A Public Warning: Monkeys can be harmful if swallowed in large quantities
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    (((ickle)))
    I no how u feel coz I been there myslef as Im sure u already no. Go get yourself an appt at the docters and tell him everything u have told us. If u find that too hard then why not print the above coz sometimes writing things down is much easier than actually saying them. Hopefully he should get u some further help, maybe counselling or medication. U will feel so much better once u have got back on your feet and it dont mean u r weak having to seek help, it means u have faced your issues and u r strong.
    Really hope that u manage to feel better about yourself and that u take the right steps in getting better <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    {{{{{icky}}}}}

    have tried to offer advice before, but have given up now. I'm there if you need me, is the only help i can give.

    I've not lost my mind it's inserted elsewhere - hence the limp.
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    ((((((((((ickle))))))))))

    i pretty much echo everything thats been said already, tim is there for you because he loves you, youre not burdening him with your problems, he listens to you because he cares abotu you. the same with all of us here, like monkey said, we all care and want to help, which is why we're here.

    monkeys right, you being here may not benefit the whole world, but you will touch people's lives in ways you wouldnt imagine, by a comment on here or someone you know in person. you may help someone and not even realise it. if you werent around anymore, a lot of people would miss you on here. if anyone has problems on here, we're here to help. no one should feel like they cant talk about their problems, on here of all places,coz thats what we're here for.

    i agree with those that have mentioned going to see your doctor. s/he might be able to help by offering counselling or maybe medication.

    you'll get through this <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    [[[[[[[[[((((((((flower))))))))]]]]]]]]]

    note: apologies to everyone in advance for me being pathetic here... but this my ickle and i need to say these things.

    flower, i love you. please believe me when i say i'm here for the long haul. u r everything to me, and when u get this way, i just want to hold you til u know it will all be okay.

    where do i begin? y would u ever feel gulity for "having me?" or that ur "holding me back?" i'm hear with eyes wide open. i know i don't always know what to say, but i want to be there when u feel this way. i need to be on the line even if u don't say a thing. if going to hell and back over and over again is what it takes to be with u, then my bags are packed.

    and u r not "holding me back." flower, u have set me free. for the first time, i know someone really loves me unconditionally. u care about me like no one else does. there is nothing better than that. u need to believe me when i say that.

    also, please don't give up on life. at 14, u have a ton of it left, and i would like to be there for all of it if u will have me.

    i hate what all of this is doing to u. i will be there very soon, okay? and our time together will be amazing, promise.

    finally, i need to say this. kayleigh, i can't begin to say that i understand the depths of pain and suffering u go through.. and i know a lot of the time i don't know exactly what to say when u get like that. but u can still tell me anything, cause i want to know, and i need to know.

    but for the love of godness, i love you with all my heart. and whether u like it or not.. i'm not going where. i don't care if u hate me or not...

    i am by ur side forever.

    sorry, but that's how its going to be. <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif"&gt;

    i love you, never forget.

    (and yeah, i used some of this in our chat tonight, sue me. <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt; )

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BTW --

    Big thanks to monkey_boy, lolly, LUKA, turtle and girl_from_mars for looking after ickle.

    i love u all for posting these kind words. she needs all of you.

    thanks.

    I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand, but I keep living this day like the next will never come.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Anytime...we all help each other here <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    no problem tim, we're all here for each other to help in times of need or share the happy times here <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    ickle are you only 14? you seemed way older, i'd have guessed 16 or 17! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Girl-From-Mars:
    no problem tim, we're all here for each other to help in times of need or share the happy times here <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    ickle are you only 14? you seemed way older, i'd have guessed 16 or 17! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;


    lmao@GFM...not to be rude, just I had that reaction ages ago when i found out.

    she never really did introduce herself properly, did you icky??


    Cos i'm thinking about a brand new hope, one i've never known, and where it goes, cos now I know it's all that wanted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Girl-From-Mars:
    no problem tim, we're all here for each other to help in times of need or share the happy times here <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    ickle are you only 14? you seemed way older, i'd have guessed 16 or 17! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;


    honey if i was 16 i would b with tim <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
    EVERYONE says i seem older, but yes, i admit, i am 14 and and 11 months old and now everyone is gonna think im a freak but i dont really care.
    rarr!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by IcKleMoNSteR:
    honey if i was 16 i would b with tim <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
    EVERYONE says i seem older, but yes, i admit, i am 14 and and 11 months old and now everyone is gonna think im a freak but i dont really care.
    rarr!

    Yes icky, you are a freak.


    Cos i'm thinking about a brand new hope, one i've never known, and where it goes, cos now I know it's all that wanted.
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    ickle, youre not a freak for being 14! just thought you seemed older <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Girl-From-Mars:
    ickle, youre not a freak


    yeah she is.

    Cos i'm thinking about a brand new hope, one i've never known, and where it goes, cos now I know it's all that wanted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by IcKleMoNSteR:
    honey if i was 16 i would b with tim <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
    EVERYONE says i seem older, but yes, i admit, i am 14 and and 11 months old and now everyone is gonna think im a freak but i dont really care.
    rarr!

    sorry to blow ur cover flower. and ur my freak, so it's okay :-)


    I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand, but I keep living this day like the next will never come.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Easy T:
    sorry to blow ur cover flower. and ur my freak, so it's okay :-)



    I was right tho - she is a freak :P

    Cos i'm thinking about a brand new hope, one i've never known, and where it goes, cos now I know it's all that wanted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Turtle:
    I was right tho - she is a freak :P


    how dare u call me that like its a bad thing!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by IcKleMoNSteR:
    how dare u call me that like its a bad thing!!

    It's a cool thing. I couldn't image a non-freaky you <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt; Would take away all the fun.

    Cos i'm thinking about a brand new hope, one i've never known, and where it goes, cos now I know it's all that wanted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Turtle:
    It's a cool thing. I couldn't image a non-freaky you <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt; Would take away all the fun.

    Turtle, the topic is called "God I need help" calling ickle a freak is hardly that, no matter how amusing it may appear, a little tact and diplomacy in the future may be in order. <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    {{{{{Ickle}}}}}} how are you doing? have you seen your gp yet? if so how did it go?

    Luk



    The river is wide and oh so deep. I've been walking around in tears, No answers arethere to get. Cause between this world and eternity there is a face I hope to see
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by LUKA:
    Turtle, the topic is called "God I need help" calling ickle a freak is hardly that, no matter how amusing it may appear, a little tact and diplomacy in the future may be in order. <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    {{{{{Ickle}}}}}} how are you doing? have you seen your gp yet? if so how did it go?

    Luk


    Sorry, guys...I can see now how it would appear bad unless you listened in on our conversations.


    I have no beliefs
    But I believe
    I'm a walking
    contradiction.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by LUKA:
    Turtle, the topic is called "God I need help" calling ickle a freak is hardly that, no matter how amusing it may appear, a little tact and diplomacy in the future may be in order. <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    {{{{{Ickle}}}}}} how are you doing? have you seen your gp yet? if so how did it go?

    Luk

    im scared of going to my GP with this, basically.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ((((((((((ickle))))))))))

    sorry i missed ur post - it must have been started wen when BT cut me off <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    These guys giv gr8 advice don't they?! Well, most of what i was gonna say has been said, so i'll just re-itterate a few points. And i knwo this is and oldish post so if say some things that are no longer relevant then i'm sorry!

    I know exactly how you feel because sometimes i feel the same. You're like, would anyone miss me if i'm gone? You feel like ur just sitting there watching time go by, and there is nothing u can do, and nothing wud make a difference and nothing would even change if u weren't here.

    But believe me, it would because a lot of ppl wud miss u! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    I'm sorry things are like this 4u @ the mo. And like Luka said, going to ur doc is the best thing to do. Don't b scared, i know i was packin my pants wen i went to c mine bout depression, but he was real nice. They see a lot of ppl y'know, u won't b the first! Anyway, they can help u, giv u medication if they think it wud help u, or refer u to a councellor who can help u discover why u feel this way, and help u take the necessary steps to make u feel like ur old self again! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    And lastly, It's obvious that Tim loves u! Everything he sed was really sweet and he seems to be so happy about everything that u are. So don't b afraid to let ur feelings out to those who care most about u.

    We're all here 4u <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;



    If the sky that we look upon
    should tumble and fall
    or the mountains should crumble in the sea
    I won't cry, I won't cry,
    No, I won't shed a tear
    Just as long as you stand
    Stand by me
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