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Self-hate

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi people.

I was just wondering if anyone knows of a proper name for Self-hating? I've looked all over the internet for self-hate stuff, but either get nothinng, or a bunch of crap. I know there is some sort of name for it, because I watched a t.v documentary about it before, and it had a real name.

I think I most likely suffer from it, that and depression and probably loads of other deep mental problems I have firmly tucked away somewhere.

Just wondering if anyone can give me any help on this sort of thing (self-hate). I won't go into the way I feel and stuff, because it's too long and complicated, but any replies and help is much appreciated.

"You're so fucking special.
I wish I was special..." :(
«1

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's called being a goth, listening to stoopid stuff like Marylin Manson who tells u to hate urself cos he's gay... try dressing in lighter colour clothes n going out n having fun... always helps cure things
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Daze:
    It's called being a goth, listening to stoopid stuff like Marylin Manson who tells u to hate urself cos he's gay... try dressing in lighter colour clothes n going out n having fun... always helps cure things

    I don't really think thats quite the answer Beatle was looking for Daze. Not very helpful! Beatle, what do you mean by self-hate? Sorry I don't know. Is it like you don't like your personality and you don't like looking in the mirror cause you think you're ugly and stuff? I sound really crude but I'm trying not to be, please bear with me. I think Derby is probably the best person on this subject, he always comes up with the best information and links!

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cause he was a psyciatric nurse, Derbys you man for this. I honestly don't no a proper name for it. Have you tried searching under "mental health" and other such things.

    Whatever you manage to find, the whole board will support you if you want it, or try and provide help. We're here if you want..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, Daze, I am NOT a goth. I don't dress in dark clothes. I've hated myself for a lot longer than I've been listening to Marilyn Manson. It's not like I only listen to Marilyn Manson you know. I listen to Radiohead, NIN, Nirvana, Joydrop...

    But anyway, getting off the topic, as per usual.

    Why do I hate myself? It's quite long, so I'll try and shorten it. When I was a little kid, I was sort of made an outcast by all the other kids, just because I was shy. I know it sounds pathetic, but when you're that young, things like that can leave a huge impression on you. I never had any friends, and the kids always used to point anything out that they thought was wrong, and they'd laugh. I remember one day they did it, and I couldn't see anything because my eyes were so full of tears, and no one cared, I just stood there alone. It may not sound like much to you, but it's had a huge impression on me. Since then, I've always thought that I was a freak, a wierdo, or whatever (yes Daze, go ahead and make a whitty comment about that if you like.) I've gotton worse over the years and now I hate myself to such an extent I want to kill myself sometimes. I look in the mirror and it's like I get this huge pain inside me and my eyes start to fill up. I critisise everything I do. I'm paranoid. Sometimes I feel like everyone can see me and I start to get really freaked out. Basically, I hate myself, I hate everything about myself. And I would probably have killed myself by now, if it weren't for the fact that I don't want to hurt my family.

    Okay, is that all you want to know?

    "You're so fucking special.
    I wish I was special..." <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    [This message has been edited by *Beetle Wings* (edited 16-10-2000).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am sorry that some people have been making fun of you on these boards. It's not your fault, so don't let them upset you.

    You actually sound quite depressed to me, hating yourself can be a sign of this. You can get through this if you get some help - the sooner you do that, the sooner you can begin to sort things out and even start to enjoy life.

    You deserve a break, so be kind to yourself, and contact your GP or one of the organisations below:

    Counselling
    Word of mouth recommendations are helpful and members of Depression Alliance local self-help groups might be able to give details of local counsellors.
    The British Association for Counselling is the major umbrella organisation for counselling and they can give you a list of local counsellors; send a stamped addressed envelope to them at 1 Regent Place, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2PJ.
    Telephone 01788 578328.

    Psychotherapy
    The British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies is able to provide a directory of registered therapists for £2.00 + postage. Contact them at PO Box 9, Accrington, BB5 2GD. Tel/fax 01254 875277 or email [email protected]

    Please do it soon. If you are thinking about suicide on a frequent basis, you are not well and you need help. It will get better if you make the first move, so don't let this go on any longer.


    Good luck - please come back and let me know how you are getting on.
    Ed
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I been through shit like that. My advise is live life to the max. Car theft is quite a buzz as all these little kids is primary school will buy number plates off me. Quite profitable actually. Or just put a brick through a window belonging to some idiot that u dont like. It really help relieve stress. Just take out your anger on the world.

    [This message has been edited by dirty_harry (edited 16-10-2000).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok how old r u???
    To be honest sounds like teenage depression every1 gets it, some worse than others but it's all a phase... U'll grow out of it...
    I live by the motto Fuck it... if u start caring too much u get depressed..
    The reason y I'm so down on Goths is cos I know/known a few.. n believe me what u just said is what I hear from every damn one of em...

    Just gets me pissed off... they dont have shit too worry about... u get kids bulling u at school??? at least u got the oppertunity to go to school...
    Ther's ppl in the world who have to go without food everyday... they're families r under constant threat from there own goverment... mothers watching they're children starve to death in fron of them..

    That's shit to be depressed about not bullying, just ignore that shit... as for hating urself if u do then change urself change what u dont like... at least u got the oppertunity to do that... change style get a new haircut... if u think u look good u get confidence confidence u get friends, friends u get popular...

    Dont sit there moaning bout being depressed bout shitty little things... do summing about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm 14 Daze.
    If I was depressed about shitty little things, I wouldn't bother posting about it. I mentioned the bullying from when I was about 5 or 6, because I'm sure it has something to do with my mental state write now. The reason I posted about this is because I'm afraid I may have some form of mental problem. Not just petty teenage depression. I've read up alot on this sort of stuff, and I know I'm more sevre than teenage depression.

    And please, don't bring those people in the other counrties into this. I know how it is for them, and I know I'm very very lucky to be able to have an education, and I'm very grateful for my eduction.

    Most goths are usually just trying to live up to the image of being "goth". That's probably why you hear that shit from them.

    Changing my hair and stuff would basically do fuck all for me. Maybe I'd be happy for a few hours, but it'll take more than that for it change.

    I actually think I suffer from Aviodant Personality Disorder. If any of you want to read up on it, then check this link out: http://mentalhelp.net/disorders/sx8.htm It seems I have all the symptoms. I just don't know what to do next.

    "You're so fucking special.
    I wish I was special..." <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;



    [This message has been edited by *Beetle Wings* (edited 16-10-2000).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there beetle wings. I've also considered suicide, and been through periods where I hated what I saw in the mirror. At that time I felt completely los.

    A lot of people suffer from chronic depresion around the age 12-15. It's something a lot of people have to cope with. I was also an outcast when I was younger, I knwo what it feels like.

    The best advice I can give you is to get help. THis doesn't mean you have any abnormal problems, it just is there are times in everyones life when they need emotional support.

    If you can't face telling your parents then find someone else to speak to. Both childline and the samaritans will provide confidential advice and support, as will me and everyone else on these boards.

    THere are somethings that no-one is strong enough to cope with on their own, and the words "please help me" are the most important in the world.

    If you want any support at all there are loads of people who'll do anything they can to help. Counselling from a psychiatrist can really help to make you feel better about yourself.

    Try and talk to your parents. If you find you can't either speak to the Samaritans or a similar organisation, or e-mail me at [email protected]

    Good luck
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Notice the ages there... Teenage depression gauranteed...
    Every1 gets it... A lot of my m8s now looking back a few years still say they were bullied loads n felt shit... Think I'm the only person I know who didn't have problemsthat made them feel like suicide at the 13-17 age... The only nperson I know who dont complain about his childhood a lot is a close m8... he got abused in a childrens home for a long time... has had 6 foster homes n has only just sorting it out... He's getting compensation for it now... but that's another thing that's harsh..

    It's natural it's hormones there aint shit u can do about it it's gonna happen... u will grow out of it..

    Only positive thing u can think of for now is that if my m8s really did get bullied as much as they said they did... the bullied definately turn out the best ppl..

    As for changing ur looks believe me it does help...
    I was feelin a bit down.. cos of drug addictions a while back... I changed my image... new haircut new clothes... turned sk8r from trendy... That looking back on it now was 1 of the big points that I sorted my life out... cos I felt better about the way I looked I felt more confident n managed to get off the drugs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really wish Derby or Luka were here.

    Beetle Wings, you need help. This is not teenage depression, and contrary to popular belief, not everyone gets it.

    It really does sound to me like you are seriously depressed and you are unlikely going to be able to get out of it on your own.

    I wouldn't be suprised if deep seated, like you say, linked to those awful playground events. I felt for you when I read your post.
    {{{{{{{Beetle Wings}}}}}}}}. I just want to hug the child and tell her that it will be alright.

    Please try to get some help, but remember too that we r here.

    J9
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Beetle Wings,

    I know exactly how you feel.
    Going to a lecture on depression really helped. I was the only one who could relate to what the lecturer was talking about, and had lunch with him afterwards. It's not a cure, but finding someone who understands/has had the condition you describe I think is very important.
    Pleasant lecture in a sea of darkness aside,
    if you're not prepared to take anything for it from your doctor - I refused as I thought it was unnatural and degrading - you really have to wait. That's all I did, going mad for 4-5 years.
    That doesn't sound too cheerful, does it! But that is all I did, and I agree with Daze that you come out a top person. A lot of my friends can relate to what I went through.
    Get exercise, focus on other things, don't overstretch yourself in any field of activity, reject guilt as much as you can and trust me - it will get better.
    The bottom line is:
    You will come out of it even if you can't possibly imagine what that would be like. You're 14, a time of change, which in your case is good - the future will be different, thank god, and you will feel and look different. Make the change as interesting and smooth as possible by staying active and educating yourself in what you think will be useful in the future.

    Don't worry as much as you are doing now.

    Palas
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by j9j9:



    I felt for you when I read your post.
    {{{{{{{Beetle Wings}}}}}}}}. I just want to hug the child and tell her that it will be alright.

    Please try to get some help, but remember too that we r here.

    J9


    Thank you <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;


    "You're so fucking special.
    I wish I was special..." :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Daze:
    Notice the ages there... Teenage depression gauranteed...
    Every1 gets it... A lot of my m8s now looking back a few years still say they were bullied loads n felt shit... Think I'm the only person I know who didn't have problemsthat made them feel like suicide at the 13-17 age... The only nperson I know who dont complain about his childhood a lot is a close m8... he got abused in a childrens home for a long time... has had 6 foster homes n has only just sorting it out... He's getting compensation for it now... but that's another thing that's harsh..

    It's natural it's hormones there aint shit u can do about it it's gonna happen... u will grow out of it..

    Only positive thing u can think of for now is that if my m8s really did get bullied as much as they said they did... the bullied definately turn out the best ppl..

    As for changing ur looks believe me it does help...
    I was feelin a bit down.. cos of drug addictions a while back... I changed my image... new haircut new clothes... turned sk8r from trendy... That looking back on it now was 1 of the big points that I sorted my life out... cos I felt better about the way I looked I felt more confident n managed to get off the drugs

    I can't say I agree with you, but I'm glad you got off the drugs. Trust me, it's not just natural hormones to feel this way. Like I say, I've read up alot on this stuff.

    Sorry for being a bitch, Daze.



    "You're so fucking special.
    I wish I was special..." :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok.... Sorry too.....
    Gotta scuse my bluntness... I got opininions on stuff n although I dont really care bout my opinions I do put em accross bluntly... n usually rude to every1 who dont agree with em in the process... do the same in real life as well, just have to get used to me...
    I never get pissed off with n e thing really (cept maybe the fact I put in too man full stops)... just continue arguements cos it's fun...
    N e way ppl get used to it...
    but n e way who cares n e way....lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by j9j9:
    I really wish Derby or Luka were here.

    Beetle Wings, you need help. This is not teenage depression, and contrary to popular belief, not everyone gets it.

    It really does sound to me like you are seriously depressed and you are unlikely going to be able to get out of it on your own.

    I wouldn't be suprised if deep seated, like you say, linked to those awful playground events. I felt for you when I read your post.
    {{{{{{{Beetle Wings}}}}}}}}. I just want to hug the child and tell her that it will be alright.

    Please try to get some help, but remember too that we r here.

    J9

    I feel the same way J9. Even though if I did reach out and hug her it would be a bit weird cause I'm not that older than you! I'm 16. I think that it does sound more than teenage depression. Anyway, where is Derby? I know about luka but we need Derbys advice!!

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not everyone suffers from depression during adolesence, and its a lot worse for some people than it is for others.

    Just remember that depression is much commoner than people think, one in five people will have months on end when they feel awful.

    Reading your posts I think that you're a wonderful individual who shows an amazing amount of compassion and understanding.

    Its very easy to from a shell around yourself as a result of bullying when you were younger.

    If when you tried to make friends you got rejected, for whatever reason, then each time you try in the future, you're afraid of getting rejected again, and are more hesitant and more likely to be rejected.

    And eventually you stop trying to bridge the gap. THis isn't really the sort of thing that can be cured just with a few posts.

    THe best advice I can give you is to try and talk to people. Try and overcome your shyness. I think that you might be beter off seeing a psychiatrist, I've been sevral times and it has made a difference.

    But most importantly of all, Big Hugs. We'll all help you in anyway we can. I'm sure you'll beat this. Take care, big hugs once more.



  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there beetle!
    Sorry to hear u r feeling shitty. I suffered from depression/self hate for years and still do but its so much better since I got help and medication. Meds aint the answer for everyone and your GP will most likely get u to try something else bfore, but I strongly advise u to get some help.
    I dont agree that its just a phase, although that can be the case with some people. The best advise I can give u is to remember u r not alone and whatever u feel, there have been other people out there who have felt it too. Get yourself to the docters or try another organisation that specialises in depression/self hate. I really hope things turn out ok for u.
    Lots of love lolly
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've suffered from depression, but I have councilling.
    Try to keep yourself as busy as possible, that'll keep your mind off bad thoughts.
    Anyway, you are great, if anyone says otherwise, tell them to go fuck themselves because you'll only be stuck with them until you leave school.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Caliph:


    Reading your posts I think that you're a wonderful individual who shows an amazing amount of compassion and understanding.
    Thanks <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt; Although, I have a feeling you're saying that to make me feel better. But that's okay, any comment is better than none at all!


    Its very easy to from a shell around yourself as a result of bullying when you were younger.

    If when you tried to make friends you got rejected, for whatever reason, then each time you try in the future, you're afraid of getting rejected again, and are more hesitant and more likely to be rejected.

    And eventually you stop trying to bridge the gap.
    I have to agree with everything you just said, what you just said is like the story of my life.



    But most importantly of all, Big Hugs. We'll all help you in anyway we can. I'm sure you'll beat this. Take care, big hugs once more.
    Thank you! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt; :P

    "You're so fucking special.
    I wish I was special..." <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    [This message has been edited by *Beetle Wings* (edited 17-10-2000).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ow sounds painful...
    hope it gets better soon
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope Derby recovers soon. Whats happened to GwaiMui? Anyone know?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Beetle, I know exactly where you are coming from. I was bullied really badly at Primary school. I guess its because I have always been different and I was a bit of a tom boy.

    I was quite bright and creative and I guess the others felt threatened by this. I wasn't really shy but when virtually every girl in my class would gang up on me in the playground pushing me around I felt like I couldn't do anything.

    I felt isolated, it was terrible. Especially considering the enourmous weight I carried from being sexually abused. The bullying was the last thing I needed. I learned to defend myself by the time I started Secondary school and even though I never fitted in too well with any one group they knew I would defend myself if they tried to bully me.

    I had a few friends but there weren't that many that I really trusted. Even though I defended myself I was still unhappy that I wasn't accepted.

    However, I have always been opinionated and I guess this is what the popular girly girls didn't like. I didn't form opinions or act a certain way just to get guys to fancy me! I wanted to belong to a group but I wasn't prepared to change my individuality.

    If you were different to other ppl at your school, Beetle you should be proud of that. You are strong because you got through it. They are week because they needed to be in a group to feel tough.

    I have met the biggest perpetrator of the bullying I suffered at Primary school and she is now very quiet and is a housewife with 4 kids. She even named one of her kids with my name! I couldn't believe it. I mean, I felt a chill down my spine whenever I met someone with the same name as her but she actually must have liked me all along because she named her kid the same name as mine. Weird! Maybe she envied me all along. Anyway, now she is a really nice person and a good mother and she confided in me that she bullied ppl at school because she had a bad upbringing and her parents didn't care when the teachers would contact them about her bad behaviour. I ended up feeling really sorry for her.

    I have also bumped into many of the girls I met along my journey through secondary school and I just love it when they ask me about my achievements and I have outdone them before I even open my mouth! I know it sounds juvenile but it does feel great when they see me and I am successful in my career, happily married with a beautiful daughter and I still look good! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    There is so much to live for Beetle, just imagine what you can do with your life and then one day do what I did and show it all off to the ppl that treated you like you were nothing. It will feel great just thinking about it. If you are determined enough to make something happen you can do it.

    If I told you everything I have achieved in my life and told you the nasty obstacles that tried to get in my way you should realise that you are capable of anything <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    I used to hate myself and I can let you know how I got over that, if you want to email me for deeper chats about your issues [email protected]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Avoid Radiohead. It did wonders for me.
    They make you want to saty in bed and cry. Sort of.

    <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Palas:
    Avoid Radiohead. It did wonders for me.
    They make you want to saty in bed and cry. Sort of.

    <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt;
    I kinda think that's why I like them <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt; I felt like staying in bed and crying before I listened to Radiohead. Now I have music to accompany those moments <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt;
    My signature is from the Radiohead song "Creep". I love that song.

    "You're so fucking special.
    I wish I was special..." <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    [This message has been edited by *Beetle Wings* (edited 19-10-2000).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn no wonder ur depresseed.....
    Listen to some Happy Hardcore to brigthen up ur days... make ya laugh n e way... trouble with music nowadays all damn depressing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I love Creep by Radiohead. I used to always get my Nirvana CDs out when I was depressed but I realised it wasn't doing me any good. It was making me worse.

    What Daze suggests works you know. I listen to Hard House and Trance every day. I do intensive aerobics to it and it really puts you in a wicked frame of mind as well as keeping you physically fit.

    Don't limit yourself. My musical tastes are so diverse (from 1940s up until today). I love music and I am up for loadsa different stuff.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What GwaiMui said with aerobics, it does work. If your feeling really shitty then hard exercise can sometimes make you feel better, don't ask me how, it just works for me.

    Find a sport you like, and just work at that. It can help.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, I hate that kind of music. I find it more irritating than anything else. I'm more into rock/metal and some indie.
    And I hate sports. Never been my thing. Doing sports probably makes me more depressed, I hate it so much.
    So there ya go.

    "You're so fucking special.
    I wish I was special..." :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    there YOU go. You listen to dark depressing music and never get any excercise. Thats your problem, you are unfit and stay inside all day.
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