loneliness, making friends

Former Member

sorry to trouble you again, but i really need some help.

ive always found it really hard to make friends, at school i never managed it and i never really managed it at uni. now ive left uni i just end up sitting in the house and never talking to anyone, and i dont know what to do.

ive always found it hard to become friends with people, people have always disliked me for some reason. at school i was treated like shit, and at uni i was just ignored. i always tried to be nice and to be good to people, but it has never done me any good and im just fed up of it all.

i dont know what to do. how do you make friends? on the computer i can do it, but in real life i can see in peoples faces how much they dont want to see me, and it is just crushing. i try to get people to like me, and noone wants to know.

i dont get to speak to real people for days at a time sometimes, and i would rather die than be like this anymore. it was the same at uni, and its got even worse now i left.

dont say join a group, because ive tried that and it didnt work, i couldnt even manage it in groups and thats everyones advice. does anyone have any advice, because it makes me feel so sick inside sometimes. i hate being out and about, i see people being happy and i just want to be dead because i dont have that, and cant work out a way of getting it.

im sorry, i must sound so boring.

Former Member

The thing that you need is some self esteem because you sound horribley depressed. You could try and talk to someone about this like a councillor? What reasons do people give for not liking you? Have you done something to make people not like you?

Former Member

Like Felix, I would suggest you try to go see a councellor, or find somebody to talk to that you know well.

Also, aren't there some people you do, or have considered your friends in the past? You may feel as if you've drifted apart, but just keeping in contact can make a difference. From experience, the worst I've done is to always expect the other person to call me, to suggest we go somewhere, etc... I lost contact with my best friend that way, and I still regret not getting in touch more often.
And how about your family? Do they live anywhere near? Even if it may not be like a good friend, speaking to your family is better than not talking to anybody at all.

I'd also suggest that you find ways to leave the house. Go out for a walk, start practice a sport you've wanted to try, learn something, anything you might possibly enjoy and that cannot be only done from your own home. Do something you think you may enjoy, rather than something just because you know it will include lots of people. Some people do have a harder time connecting to others if there are many of them gathered.
Just remember that as soon as you start isolating yourself you are making things harder for yourself.

And perhaps the most important thing I have come to understand is that there are no magic solutions. It does require hard work to boost ones self esteem, and sometimes it may feel as if you will never get better. However, as long as you don't give up, you will eventually notice that you are getting better.

Again, I suggest to you go see a councellor or somebody to talk about this to. It may be a scary thing to do, but it is often much more effective to have somebody to help you overcome your problems. There are things you may not realize yourself, and you might learn how to deal better with the times you feel down.

Former Member

Felix, its just obvious when somebody isnt interested. i cant explain it, it just is. and i cant bring myself to keep putting myself on the line to only get knocked back.

i see a psychotherapist, i have done for a couple of years now, and whilst i am less depressed than i ever used to be i also arent any better at being confident and being able to socialise. counsellors are worse than useless, i saw one at uni and his advice was to force myself to do things. yep, thanks for that, its not like i dont already.

i dont like to pressure people, thats maybe some of the trouble. if people never ring then they obviously arent really that fussed after all, so i arent going to make myself look stupid by pestering them when they clearly dont care.

thanks for the replies, i hope i dont sound ungreatful.

Former Member

Sorry, I'm not really sure what to say, except there are people on here who'll listen if you feel the need to talk to someone.

You could always ring the Samaritans if things get very bad, or email jo@samaritans.org if you don't like the phone.

Former Member

Maybe your being a little paraniod. When I was depressed, I got the feeling that none of my mates wanted me around and that they just wanted me when it suited them.

Felix, its just obvious when somebody isnt interested. i cant explain it,

Try to give us a little info otherwise it is hard to help. They don't like the way you act, the way you speak? Can I ask why it didn't work out when you joined a group? Is it just because you find it hard communicating with others?

Former Member

Didnt you post a previous message with a similer theme shy mouse, I remember reading it and thinking I should post something but I didnt so now I will.

confidence isnt something you can fake, If im not feeling confident in a social situation (tired or anyreason)
then I wont try to be witty or chartming/funny., ill just be pleasent and friendly, but not too friendly you cant atempt to "buy" friendship.

Iv not realy been in your situation, but can sympthase with aspects of it, Take up a sport join a club they said well thats what you shopuld do, you cant get knocked back if your coming to learn, only if you try and walk into friendship with people who arnt interested is that knocking back.

I did boxing for a few years and this personally is what id advise you to do, not only will it give you confidence, through having controlled confruntations (sparing where you cant get hurt) but generaly in those clubs people are very unlikly to be bullies of unpleasent (this is true) dont walk in and try and be friends with everyone take it easy just smile and say hello and importantly appear keen on what ever activity it is your doing, that way you cant get knocked back, If you do that you might not make any friends there but it will give you the confidence to make themelse where
Oh how old are you, and where do you live town city ?
PM me if you want,

Former Member

Reading that reminds me so much of my own life except that i used to have friends, or people who i thought were friends. The thing is thought that they were the people that caused me to lose all my friends, and ever since then i havent really been able to make more. My friends were the people that ended up bullying me through school.

Now there are only two people in this world that i trust and who i hope care about me, theres my girlfreind and my best mate, who i nearly lost because i had totally forgot how to be around friends.

I know this probably isnt much use, I think I'm realy just letting you know that you arent alone there are people who have similar problems.

I never thought that I would ever have any friends, I used to get so jealous of my girlfriend because she had friends from uni. I thought that when I was at uni maybe I would make some real friends but it never happened. I ended up dropping out because I just couldnt handle it anymore, nobody seemed to want anything to do with me.

I really don't know what use this is to you, probably none, but if nothing else you at least know its not just you this happens to. I know I always thought it was just me, everyone else had it great and it was somehow my fault that I didnt.

Former Member

Reading that reminds me so much of my own life except that i used to have friends, or people who i thought were friends. The thing is thought that they were the people that caused me to lose all my friends, and ever since then i havent really been able to make more.

Now there are only two people in this world that i trust and who i hope care about me, theres my girlfreind and my best mate, who i nearly lost because i had totally forgot how to be around friends.

I know this probably isnt much use, I think I'm realy just letting you know that you arent alone there are people who have similar problems.

I never thought that I would ever have any friends, I used to get so jealous of my girlfriend because she had friends from uni. I thought that when I was at uni maybe I would make some real friends but it never happened. I ended up dropping out because I just couldnt handle it anymore, nobody seemed to want anything to do with me.

I really don't know what use this is to you, probably none, but if nothing else you at least know its not just you this happens to. I know I always thought it was just me, everyone else had it great and it was somehow my fault that I didnt.

Former Member

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I know that loneliness is one of the worst feelings imaginable, it's heartbreaking. What about your family, brothers and sisters, do you have any?

Former Member

Originally posted by Felix Da Housecat
Maybe your being a little paraniod. When I was depressed, I got the feeling that none of my mates wanted me around and that they just wanted me when it suited them.

Try to give us a little info otherwise it is hard to help. They don't like the way you act, the way you speak? Can I ask why it didn't work out when you joined a group? Is it just because you find it hard communicating with others?

i dont know, sometimes i think i probably am paranoid. its nothing that people say, its just the way they act, like im boring them to death. its why i dont like to bother people and ring them up, if they wanted to talk to me they would. but they dont.

i do find it very hard to communicate with other people, i never know what to do. and even when i do have the courage to do it sometimes, it just seems that i just bore everyone, i can see it in their eyes, and im good at taking hints.

i dont try very hard anymore because ive been like this for so long that i dont really know anything else any more. i always believe people when they say itll get better, but i am starting to think that it wont, and i couldnt bear to be like this forever.

i talk to my family, well my mum, but i live quite a way from them now, so its hard.

Indrid Cold

I don't know if it will help you at all, but I used to think that everyone would rather do anything than be around me. The way I tackled that was by ignoring my feelings and talking to people anyway. Eventually I didn't think they didn't like me anymore. It might be hard, but try to do the same thing.

ClaireBear

Hiya shy mouse,
There's loads of good advice from everyone here so I just thought I'd point you in the direction of some useful resources. You might want to take a look at these articles/websites:
Shyness
Making new friends
New friends, new life
Boost your social life
SocialAnxiety.org
First Steps to Freedom

Hope this helps some,
CB

Former Member

Re: loneliness, making friends

Shy Mouse? I love the name, very different. I've always been lonely and struggled to make friends too. It's partly what's led to me being severely depressed. Unlike you, I've never been to university, (though I do want to go one day) but I still understand what you're saying here. I think that there are issues here of self-esteem. That is, yours is running low. That's okay, so's mine. But you can't force people to like you. Lord knows I've tried.

Infact, your situation seems to be extremely similar to mine. I have a thread in the Health section called "Depressed and Lonely". You might like to read that, a lot of it could be relevant to you. I'd be delighted if you want to talk to me further about this, I'm a pretty lonely guy as well. Just send me a Private Message and I'll reply as soon as possible. You'll get through this. I'll help you if you want me to.

Former Member

hello yes similar position here with me. in fact i sound in exactly the same position... on hearing that i had no friends at uni my friends at home assumed i was a looser and left me alone. they didn't want to know..

my problems with making friends is that people bond against me you know? i'm always the outsider.

as consequence i shy away from social interaction now.. its a male pride thing - i'm not prepared to risk any reputation i have left intact for the sake of watching more people group up against me.. i fucking hate that... its hard to describe but basically other people are not worth it imo now... everytime i make the effort to talk to someone i always end up the outsider.. its been like that for 3/4 years now.. then again, i have been single and sexless for the same length of time - i know for a fact that has a lot to do with it..

i'm always about and don't get tired of conversation. EVER you just wont bore me if you wanna chat ( I WANT TO TALK TO YOU THO!!), PM me and we can exchange phone numbers.

alex - fuxake2003@hotmail.com (MSN)