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Constant thoughts of Suicide.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I find myself,at several points of EVERY day,contemplating suicide. I am a diagnosed Depressive,and am on medication for it. The thing is,I have (over several years) taken just about every antidepressant known to man and yet none of them have stemmed these morbid cravings. The doctors still hang on to the belief that one day they will find the right medication for me,but in the mean time,I continue to carry on trying to take my own life. My question to you all out there is this...Have any of you found yourself at anytime in this same predicament? And if so,did you find a remedy,and what was it? I would be thankful for any worthwhile replies and would consider almost anything. Thanks. <IMG SRC="confused.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's a bit too familiar for me. It's horrible when there seems to be no 'cure' for something, any hope you may have had can diminish even further. The important thing right now is that you are trying. You may want to die, and think about it constantly but the fact is you're still here. There must be something holding you back (even the slightest hope that things may be not so bad sometime) and you have to grab onto that and not let go.
    Medication can help, yes - but the shitty thing is that it takes time. I have been on many a medication and none are the miracle cure you may wish for. Something may work for you if you stick with it.
    Are you receiving any counselling at the moment? Sometimes just expressing how hopeless it all seems can help. At the same time - you can learn to live with depression, not 'suffer' from it. Doing things that make you feel good - even just to do SOMETHING can help. You probably don't feel like doing anything, but nothing will change that way. You're not going to be cured overnight but you need to take positive steps towards doing something - setting goals for yourself ( no matter how small) can give you something to aim for.
    Ever heard the phrase 'The trick is to keep breathing?' It's true. Sometimes we just need to keep breathing until out brain catches up with our body and decides it wants to live. Suicide takes away that choice. It's never the answer, it never will be. I'm sure someone will post some links here for you to have a look at, and in the meantime - don't give up.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    please dont consider suicide. i know someone who went through with it and it has really effected me. i hardly even knew them, although many of my friends did and i cant tell you how much our lives have changed because of it. If not for you think of all the people who care for you and you would hurt. You may say that no one would cares but trust me they will. The person i knew i had only spoken to a few times in the pub but it has scared me for life
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have M/E, have had it for 7 years now.Its robbed me of my youth, i cant do ANY of the things i used to enjoy doing, Im not able to work or study ( although im going to try distance leraning course soon) I have no social life,All my friends moved on without me somtime ago. Dont have the engery to even think of a relationship, and who would want to be with me like this anyway? Having M/e or any chronic illness/ depression is an illness or likewise is a fucking shit thing and i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Ive experinxed im sure the darkest side possible at time s with dealing with this.It has been a journey for me to come to terms with things. I do get spells of depression and anxiety BECAUSE of my sitiuation. Just a trip to the post office or bank is a big deal for me, getting up and having a shower can wear me out on a bad day. The fatuigue is so bad and disabling. I get depressed when i think of the future, I still live at home with my parents, hardly anyone understands what i go thru. so far there is no cure for M/E although this terrible illness is getting better reconised and so more funding for reasearch, i cling on to the hope that one day ill be one of the lucky ones that makes a recovery or they come up with a good treatment. But one thing for sure, ive become stronger in other ways, I appreciate the simplest things now, i relise how precious life is, and you dont relise what u have untill u lose it, it soooo human nature that, to not see what u have while u have it.
    No matter how bad ur feeling or how bad ur situation is, there is always someone somewhere worse off. I know very well the feelings of hopelessness, lonelieness, not being understood, frustration, fear....what works for me is to write things out. I have my own website and a online journal - living with M/E.......The internet has been a god send for me and im sure some of you too. Im not depressed as i write this, just telling it how it is. I'll listen to anyone that needs a shoulder, it helps me to be able to help others.... takecare yall
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im trying hard at the moment to get 'back into things' After a particular bad year ive had where i had some big and very sad losses. You have to work at getting out that hole sooner or later. I try to do something now daily no matter how small, like even just paying someone a compliment, anything that makes u feel useful. Plus excersise again no matter how small, consdiering on bad days I dont get out bed , I go for walks with my puppy,walking is great excersise for the mind as well as the body. Ive got to watch in my situation that i keep mobile with out over doing it or im looking at using a wheel chair if i get too weak. Find a hobby or intrest, having one keeps ur mind focus, gives u something to look fw to and build on, allows u too meet people, (im stillworking on finding that bit), Get a pet! dog or a cat or a hamster or what ever, reasearch shows that pets are good for us. Gives u sense of responsiblity in having to LOOK after something, spending time with a pet , playing etc reduces stress/anxiety, lifts us up , if i think of anything else that can help i'll post again.....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi white tiger,
    Feeling Isolated is a horrible thing, I know that too well. Sorry about the loss of ur Dad so young. Its hard when u feel the people closest to you dont understand or know how u are feeling. You may want them to badly to know how so but dont want to show how its getting you down and so u put on a brave face. Or may be that freinds cant deal with whats happend and dont know how to be there for you and u end up drifting apart. I dont know which way it is for you, or how long ago you lost ur Dad, but Grieving process is long and if ur having problems with it, you should consider some sort of grief counseling. As for somewhere to express how ur feeling, theres no better place than here or a support group online somewhere, theres plenty of them about, where u can find people in similar situations to yours.
    Takecare

    JGEEEE
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by whitetiger72:
    <STRONG>My dad was born June30,1930 I was born June6,1972.I was a freshman when I lost my dad I was 151/2 years old my dad died suddenly of a heart attack March10,1988.</STRONG>

    Chin up <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> my best mate lost his dad aged 8 and his mum walked out aged 12 <IMG SRC="frown.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> he was left with his two older brothers and as a result lost a huge chunck of his childhood <IMG SRC="frown.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">

    When he gets down (quite often) he usually has a good cry but always ends up saying the same thing 'I'll make a success of my life, I'll make sure dad would of been proud of me' <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">

    The world is a shit of a place, life is shit, make out of it what you can <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> Hold your head high and say 'i did my best' <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've never suffered from clinical depression, but the thought of suicide can be talked about by someone who hasn't really considered it.

    It sounds like you have only tried taking drugs? I have heard about diets you can go on. How about seeing a therapist? I think the best thing you could do is to get help and identify the reasons for your depression, then do something about them.

    More easily, book a holiday somewhere sunny or go travelling for a bit. Seeing parts of the world and doing (safe) things you have never done or never dreamed of doing may help you feel more forfilled.

    As for suicide. Ask yourself this question - what haven't I seen? What haven't I done? Who have I not met yet, meaning possibly the love of your life? All these questions have answers you will not get to hear if you take your life.

    It may seem like there is nothing out there for you now, but it doesn't mean that there won't be. Think of the future and try to lift yourself up - exercise, health foods/ farms, religion. There are thousands of options still open to you, even when it seems like you have tried everything already.

    At the very least get out of leicester for a bit.

    Good luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you all for your replys,it really does help to talk about it with somebody other than my counsellor and psychiatrist.
    I know that I must motivate myself a lot more to get out and do things,but that is half of the problem...I can't.
    My life has been full of unpleasantness,ever since I can remember,and it's definately taken its toll.
    All through my life,I have either been going through - sexual,physical,or mental abuse from family members and outsiders. I have been battered,burnt,electricuted,made to eat sh*t,put on the game,forced into all sorts of wierd activities - you name it,I've probably experienced it!
    I now not only suffer from depression but am diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia aswell,which were both brought on (so the experts say) by my traumatic life.
    I really do want to beat this affliction,and am trying so so hard. Talking to all of you is a step in the right direction I feel,and you've all been great - THANKS!
    Keep the responses coming if you can,or if you feel like it,you can always send me a personal E-Mail. I'm not online a great deal most of the time,but when I do get on,I promise that I'll reply.
    Bye for now,and thanks again.
    Yours
    Mad Hatter - (Mark to my friends!).

    <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ive thought about it a few times as well..ive been diagnosed with depression aand used to keep everything bottled up, i have absolulty no self confidence and im very paranoid , i avoid going out cos all the time im out i feel people are looking and laffin at me!! Im seeing a councillor every wednesday from now on i dont want to go but i know it will help me...so basically confide in your friends and basically if your asked to go out..go because all these little things will pull you through...try and get away on a break ive just come back from london and it made me feel better ( now im back at home im already starting to feel depressed) So good Luck Mad hater and everyone else whose suffering from these feelings...i understand where your coming from <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dear madhatter, how awful that youve had to go through such terrible things, have any of your abusers ever been brought to justice? it doesnt sound to me as if this is the sort of stuff that can be blocked out by antidepressants, your depression is reactive because of the traumatic things youve had to endure. you need specialised counselling. none of what youve had to go through is your fault. youve survived it so far, if you commit suicide, then theyve won, and youve got to get through it. it may be an idea to get in touch with a victim support group, and when you finally do get through this maybe you could think about helping other people whove been abused. as you would be someone who would really understand.
    the only way is up. i hope you can soon start to see the light at the end of the tunnel
    abbie xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In answer to your question Abbie...NO,none of my abusers have been prosecuted.
    Thankfully,most of them are out of my life now,although there are a few still floating about.
    I try my best to block out the past,but it's so hard. I find it easier within myself to try to forgive these people for what they did. I am really trying to believe that they meant no harm and that they were somehow lead into these awful crimes by me in some way. I know you said that I was in no way to blame,but how come so many people did so many bad things to me over such a long period of time,unless it was all instigated by me?
    It's like now,if anyone feels like giving out some verbal or physical abuse to anyone,that person is always me!
    I guess that I must just come to terms with the fact that I was put on this earth to soak up everyones hatred and perversions!
    I've been sat here in my bedroom for about the past 3 hours now,staring at 178 paracetamol tablets and a half bottle of bacardi...dying to just end my suffering,because I know,this pain will never go away and no amount of therapy will ever be able to erase such thoughts as being gang raped by a room full of men on my 10th birthday...what a present eh!
    Talking to all of you,is sort of helping...I mean,I'm still only staring at these pills aren't I,but in the long run,nothing can erase my memories and they will haunt me for the rest of my life...however much longer that will be.
    Thank you for your understanding though Abbie,and the rest of you. I just wish that everyone I've come into contact with throughout my life,could have been as nice to me as you.
    I hope I'll get to speak to you all again soon.
    I'm having a bit of a weepy session at the minute,and it does seem to be relieving my sadness slightly so the signs are good.

    Bye for now
    Mark.x. <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have the same problem but my psychiatristsaid i just needed a break from school, such as a vacation but its hard cuz i have the pressure of university and family problems
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Constant thoughts of Suicide.
    Originally posted by Mad Hatter
    I find myself,at several points of EVERY day,contemplating suicide. I am a diagnosed Depressive,and am on medication for it. The thing is,I have (over several years) taken just about every antidepressant known to man and yet none of them have stemmed these morbid cravings. The doctors still hang on to the belief that one day they will find the right medication for me,but in the mean time,I continue to carry on trying to take my own life. My question to you all out there is this...Have any of you found yourself at anytime in this same predicament? And if so,did you find a remedy,and what was it? I would be thankful for any worthwhile replies and would consider almost anything. Thanks. <IMG SRC="confused.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">

    the drugs dont work, they just make you worse.....

    its a very hard situation to be in but when i starred up the barrel of death i realised death was never the answer. you need to address the issues behind the death wish rather than the death wish itself.

    I wouldnt reccomend this to anyone, and im sorry if it sounds to people who have read my other posts that im going on about it but when my gf got diagnosed with hodkins disease all those suicidal ideas went. How dare i consider murdering myself when my baby was fighting for her life? I couldnt live with myself. The thoughts stopped, now and again i think about it but then i think, what would i solve? id kill the people that love me and i wouldnt be able to smell the old trafford turf, i wouldnt be able to beat the odds no more. life is for living. live it while you can. i know where you come from so i know it isnt so simple but try to value every breath you take, it may just be your last!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Re: Constant thoughts of Suicide.
    Originally posted by mancmanomyst


    the drugs dont work, they just make you worse.....

    You can't just come out with a comment like that. They might not of worked for you, but they do for the vast majority. I've been in the 'mental health system' for 8 years now, and only just found the right drug for me. There's a plethora of chemicals out there, the proper ones:D , and it takes time to find the right one for an individual. A drug can take up to 3 months to start helping you and your GP/Psychiatrist can't just guess what's gonna be the right one for you. We're all individuals, and as such everyone is different. You break your leg and it's pretty obvious what nursing staff have to do. But you wanna kill yourself, it takes a lot of time and effort on both sides to find the cause and then find a solution. With the possibility of medication to help you on your way.

    So, on to Mad Hatter. Yes, it's a very hard road. I'm not gonna say i understand, because no one can ever fully understand anothers thoughts. But i certainly sympathise with you and maybe even empathise due to my own situation. Like i say it's a hard road, but it CAN be travelled. It's took me a long time to get where i am today. It's been extremely painful both physically and mentally, but i'm getting through it, a tiny step at a time. An idea that was given to me and really helped, is to set yourself some attainable goals. Silly things like getting the washing up done, or cooking yourself a good meal. And it really helps matey. You get a little bit of self worth back every time and even some dignity, which makes the road a little easier to travel.

    You CAN beat this, and deep, deep down you know you can. Keep in contact with all support services, and if the drugs aren't working, tell someone. The sooner they find the right medication for you, the sooner you can start getting it all back together.

    Take Care, Kevvy XxX

    :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Re: Re: Constant thoughts of Suicide.
    Originally posted by RubberSkin


    You can't just come out with a comment like that. They might not of worked for you, but they do for the vast majority. I've been in the 'mental health system' for 8 years now, and only just found the right drug for me. There's a plethora of chemicals out there, the proper ones:D , and it takes time to find the right one for an individual. A drug can take up to 3 months to start helping you and your GP/Psychiatrist can't just guess what's gonna be the right one for you. We're all individuals, and as such everyone is different. You break your leg and it's pretty obvious what nursing staff have to do. But you wanna kill yourself, it takes a lot of time and effort on both sides to find the cause and then find a solution. With the possibility of medication to help you on your way.

    So, on to Mad Hatter. Yes, it's a very hard road. I'm not gonna say i understand, because no one can ever fully understand anothers thoughts. But i certainly sympathise with you and maybe even empathise due to my own situation. Like i say it's a hard road, but it CAN be travelled. It's took me a long time to get where i am today. It's been extremely painful both physically and mentally, but i'm getting through it, a tiny step at a time. An idea that was given to me and really helped, is to set yourself some attainable goals. Silly things like getting the washing up done, or cooking yourself a good meal. And it really helps matey. You get a little bit of self worth back every time and even some dignity, which makes the road a little easier to travel.

    You CAN beat this, and deep, deep down you know you can. Keep in contact with all support services, and if the drugs aren't working, tell someone. The sooner they find the right medication for you, the sooner you can start getting it all back together.

    Take Care, Kevvy XxX

    :)

    actually mate, that wasnt a comment, it was a lyric from one of the most depressing songs of all time. sorry, next time i'll put quote marks around it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mad Hatter...sum 1 said that he couldnt say that he understood u b/c u could neva understand sum1 elses thoughts but he could sympathise with your situation.......well i disagree. u know that i do UNDERSTAND most of your trama in your life. however, im not gonna tell u how i understand. hope u read this b/4 ur private message.

    talk sooner than u think
    :(:(:(:(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by QuickStar
    Mad Hatter...sum 1 said that he couldnt say that he understood u b/c u could neva understand sum1 elses thoughts but he could sympathise with your situation.......well i disagree. u know that i do UNDERSTAND most of your trama in your life.

    ROT. Do you know that someone saying, " I understand" is one of the most pratronising and aggrivating sentiment you can say to someone with a mental health problem. I go to a day centre for people with mental health problems, and i asked 47 people today if they agreed or disagreed with the statement that people "understand" what an individual is going through. Result, not one of them agreed.

    You will never EVER fully understand what an individual is going thrugh. Which is why i state that i can sympathise and empathise with people. We are all individuals, all our thought processes are different. You ask 10 people who suffer from depression, they'll each explain it a different way. Believe me i know.

    It might seem i'm making something out of nothing, but im not. I'm sick of being patronised by people who can't be arsed to REALLY find out what this illness is like. Yeah it's good that people care about one another, but please, think before you come out with some half arsed cliche.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello Everyone/
    I would just like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you that have replied to this posting for your support and concern in this,the worst problem I have ever faced.
    I have read the various replys and although there are some differing opinions I have taken them all on board and they have all in some way or another made a lot of sense.
    Having all of you,(especially being strangers to me) showing me such warmth and compassion when those in my life that are "supposedly" my closest allies show nothing more than a passing interest has partially,(for now) restored my faith in human nature and shown me that there is "Love" in the world.
    I truly hope that you all have a fantastic,trouble free life and you all get your lifes greatest desires.
    Thanks once again
    Mad Hatter...or Mark to my friends
    xxx.

    PS/
    Please don't get upset with QuickStar Rubberskin. She does in fact know my problems very,very,well as we talk nearly every day.
    Although I understand exactly what you're saying,she really doesn't mean what you take it she means.
    She has been through very similar problems to me in her life,and although as you rightly point out,no-one feels the same pain from the same illness,she herself has been to that point of no return,and I think it just came out wrong in writing.
    Thanks for your understanding.
    Mark.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awwwwwww poppet. Well thanks for explaining about star. NO, im not angry as such, the particular point i was talking about just needles me. I'd never fall out because i disagree with someone's point of view, that's the point of this place:D I sincerely hope she can help you through this mark. Keep in touch on the boards so we now how you're doing.
    Kevvy XxX
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