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Losing a baby....

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This may be in the wrong topic but I don't know which one to put it in so thought this one was as good as any.

Anyway, I wanted people's opinions on something.

If a girl has a miscarriage and is really upset and affected by it, like she finds it hard to be around mothers to be or babies, should she 'just get over it' or is it reasonable to be affected by it?

Plus, should she be grateful that she can still have other kids and feel sorry for people that can't have kids at all or is it completely irrelevant?

All opinions would be appreciated.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    from a blokes perspective ...a bloke who has seen a number of women miscarry ...of course they should be allowed to feel devasted or whatever ...it aint a crime to feel ...all feelings are valid.
    she should be given time and love and patience.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you've miscarried, how can you NOT be upset?!

    OK I'm not female but being upset over it is natural IMO.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by morrocan roll
    she should be given time and love and patience.

    that's right.
    If a girl has a miscarriage and is really upset and affected by it, like she finds it hard to be around mothers to be or babies, should she 'just get over it' or is it reasonable to be affected by it?

    of course it is reasonable. It must be a devestating thing to go through and anyone who expects someone to "just get over it" is wrong.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd imagine it'd be different for everyone, but it's bound to be a really bad time.

    Lots of love and support needed.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    People react differently in things like this. Some can kinda just get over it with the attitude that life goes on and I will get through it however others can suffer, some for a long time after.

    with time things will get easier for her.

    and no she shouldnt feel lucky she can have kids and maybe someone else cant.....thats not taking away the pain that she feels right now. Maybe in time she will feel like that, but not if its a recent thing.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that any feelings and displays/non-displays of emotion as reactions to grief are totally normal. And a miscarriage is a form of grief, just as losing a baby who has already been born is. I don't think that everyone will have the same reactions though, and i feel that what kind of outside impression someone has on the person who is grieving has not much relevance to the depth of grief felt. some people will deal with grief in an open way, and others will withdraw and not display their emotions about the pain as openly as others. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone's different.
    By Aspartame
    but problems are relative

    I totally agree with this... I have constant arguments with my ex over this kind of issue. If i say I'm tired, he'll always reply with something along the lines of 'you can't be, I got up an hour earlier/did more work than you/went to bed later etc etc' and it drives me up the wall. We all get really hungry from time to time, say when we miss a meal. However, just because there are people in the world who are starving, it doesn't make us any less hungry. It's all relative. :yes:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kate1
    And a miscarriage is a form of grief, just as losing a baby who has already been born is.

    Not quite the same kind of grief from my own personal experience anyway.....to me they are two totally different kinds of feeling. Both very sad experiences but losing a baby who has already been born is something that you probably never get over, miscarrige you can not forget but you do get over it.
    Sorry im strugling here, I cant explain how I really feel :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BeckyBoo
    Not quite the same kind of grief from my own personal experience anyway.....to me they are two totally different kinds of feeling. Both very sad experiences but losing a baby who has already been born is something that you probably never get over, miscarrige you can not forget but you do get over it.
    Sorry im strugling here, I cant explain how I really feel :(

    I guess I just explained myself badly... what I meant was that just because the baby hasn't already been born, doesn't mean the grief 'should' be any 'less' than than a baby who has been born... using two years of midwifery experience here, of both situations, and that's what I've noticed. Just because the baby hasn't been born, doesn't make it any less of a baby.
    I also believe that no type of grief is the same, or can really be compared (although I have, badly, sorry!). Losing a child will be a different experience to losing a partner, which will be different again to losing a parent, which will be different again to losing a friend, which will be different again to having a miscarriage.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BeckyBoo
    Not quite the same kind of grief from my own personal experience anyway.....to me they are two totally different kinds of feeling. Both very sad experiences but losing a baby who has already been born is something that you probably never get over, miscarrige you can not forget but you do get over it.
    Sorry im strugling here, I cant explain how I really feel :(

    Without having any experience of babies whatsoever, what your saying kind of rings true with me. A baby that has been born, that has been in your arms or within your sight, that's something tangible...that was physically in your grasp and was then taken away.

    Whereas I guess a miscarriage would be a feeling of being hollow, and possibly (I'm not trying to plant thoughts here, or be harsh) a feeling of having failed the baby.

    Ohh I don't know, I agree BeckyBoo, it's impossible to articulate :(

    Anyway, as everyone has already said, feelings are unique to each and every one of us, as is our way of dealing with them. There's no right or wrong, and every emotion experienced is a step closer to healing.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kate1
    I guess I just explained myself badly...

    Sorry, its probably me reading more into it because of my personal experience.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bit late to be getting all deep really! Sorry for misunderstanding too! *hugs*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kate1
    Bit late to be getting all deep really!

    Very true so I shall go and hit the sack now....goodnight :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i don't think you can dictate what a woman should or shouldn't be feeling. and it'll be wildly different for everyone.

    the youngster who didn't know she was pregnant, sure as hell didn't want a baby, and hadn't told her parents would probably be on the relieved side. sad, but relieved.

    the woman who knew she was pregnant from the very second she peed on the stick, has had several previous misscarriages and is desperate for a baby would probably be absolutely devastated.

    nothing wrong with feeling either of those things. or anything in between.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but nothing could ever compare to losing an already born baby. A miscarriage of a wanted baby would be devastating, but not even in the same league. Speaking as a mother.

    Of course a woman who has miscarried a wanted baby should be able to grieve for as long as she needs to. Telling her to be grateful etc is insensitive.
    If she finds it hard to be around mothers or babies, then thats OK and people should be understanding, as long as it doesnt go on forever, because its not the other mothers or babies fault.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is no right or wrong way to feel or act after such an event, it depends entirely on the outlook of the person who has miscarried.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by rainbow brite
    but nothing could ever compare to losing an already born baby. A miscarriage of a wanted baby would be devastating, but not even in the same league. Speaking as a mother.

    But like I was trying to say, no two deaths are the same in terms of measurable grief anyway... I just don't think you can compare them. You're right in that, no, they probably aren't 'in the same league', but that just means it's a different type of grief, in the same way for example, that losing an elderly grandparent must be a totally different type of grief to that of losing a child. It's no less valid. From personal experience of my stepmum losing a very much wanted baby quite late in in the pregnancy, and also speaking to mothers when I was doing midwifery, just because a baby hasn't been born, doesn't make it any less of a baby within its mothers eyes. I talked with mothers who had lost babies years before and were on their third or fourth baby, and they still talked about the baby they lost before birth as if they had known it as a live baby. The expectations, hopes and dreams they had for those babies were the same as those who had lost babies after they were born.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Losing a baby....
    Originally posted by Madgal99
    This may be in the wrong topic but I don't know which one to put it in so thought this one was as good as any.

    Anyway, I wanted people's opinions on something.

    If a girl has a miscarriage and is really upset and affected by it, like she finds it hard to be around mothers to be or babies, should she 'just get over it' or is it reasonable to be affected by it?

    Plus, should she be grateful that she can still have other kids and feel sorry for people that can't have kids at all or is it completely irrelevant?

    All opinions would be appreciated.

    i have had two friends in the last 3 months who have had a miscarriage... i think you just have to take a step back and imaging what a huge mind-fuck rollercoaster ride that must be for them..

    i think, even in the most horrible of circumstances, losing the baby would have to be a completely wretched thing. i can't even imagine.

    bottom line, the girl who lost the baby, she just needs time.. time to grieve.. to mourn her loss (regardless of how soon into the pregnancy). it just has to be an overwhelmingly amazing mind-fuck. just try to be patient, be her friend, and she'll start to eventially come around. if not, after a year or so, then she might want to consider seeking some professional help to aid in the grieving process...

    hope that helps some. i'm trying to be there for my friends. i'm just sad at how much trial and tribulation they've had to both endure over the last several months.

    dep
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