If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
Am I being paranoid?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">, nice site.
I'd appreciate some advice concerning my girlfriend <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">. Am i being paranoid?
We've been going out for about 2 years now and it's been good.....but just recently i'm having feelings that all is not well. She's not the most expressive of women so thats why i'm here asking for help <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> (i've tried talking to her already).
She started a new job about 6 months ago. She works in close contact with about 15 guys and 2 girls. These men are typical lads...early 20s to early 30s, only a couple are in relationships.
Over the past few months i've noticed a couple of things, you may think them to be nothing, maybe they are?
We're spending very little time with each other because of her working hours..i have said that i'm unhappy about this but understand, but she doesn't seem bothered about it whatsoever?
She has bought a heap of new clothes, all of them going out type clothes, again maybe this probably nothing?
About a month ago she came out with this one...'when we finish are we gonna remain friends'!!!!??? Hey <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">? Of course i told her that i thought we wouldn't be finishing, not for a long time. She said it was a slip of the tongue.
A guy she worked with had been getting a bit too critical of me even though i'd never met him (she *used* to tell me what they'd said to her, thats stopped too). He moved away to work about 2/3 months ago. The morning after he'd moved her mobile rang whilst we were in bed.....i looked at the number, the area code was very near to where this guy had moved to! I asked her about this and she claimed it couldn't have been him as she never gave him her number, "must have been a wrong number". btw I have no problem if she's given her number to a work colleague for a genuine reason. I phoned it back and it was a payphone.
Tomorrow night she's going with her work colleagues to a local nightclub, i've seen what she's planning to wear and although i'm no control freak, i'm not too happy about the prospect of 15 men leering at her. btw I'd never dream of telling her what to wear but i'd prefer she kept such outfits for when she was with me? Is that silly?
I'm meeting up with her 2morow, later on in the night, but i'm gonna play a little game. I'm gonna tell her i can't make it...then i'll turn up later and take a back seat and hopefully just observe what goes on without being seen.
Spying? Maybe, but i've gotta know if anythings happening as i've been *badly* stung before. I really do hope i see nothing....and if i don't, i'll make myself seen and join in the night <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">.
I'll let you know on Wednesday if anything went on 2morow night.
btw she's 18 (her first serious relationship), i'm 22. sorry about the essay!
I'd appreciate some advice concerning my girlfriend <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">. Am i being paranoid?
We've been going out for about 2 years now and it's been good.....but just recently i'm having feelings that all is not well. She's not the most expressive of women so thats why i'm here asking for help <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> (i've tried talking to her already).
She started a new job about 6 months ago. She works in close contact with about 15 guys and 2 girls. These men are typical lads...early 20s to early 30s, only a couple are in relationships.
Over the past few months i've noticed a couple of things, you may think them to be nothing, maybe they are?
We're spending very little time with each other because of her working hours..i have said that i'm unhappy about this but understand, but she doesn't seem bothered about it whatsoever?
She has bought a heap of new clothes, all of them going out type clothes, again maybe this probably nothing?
About a month ago she came out with this one...'when we finish are we gonna remain friends'!!!!??? Hey <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">? Of course i told her that i thought we wouldn't be finishing, not for a long time. She said it was a slip of the tongue.
A guy she worked with had been getting a bit too critical of me even though i'd never met him (she *used* to tell me what they'd said to her, thats stopped too). He moved away to work about 2/3 months ago. The morning after he'd moved her mobile rang whilst we were in bed.....i looked at the number, the area code was very near to where this guy had moved to! I asked her about this and she claimed it couldn't have been him as she never gave him her number, "must have been a wrong number". btw I have no problem if she's given her number to a work colleague for a genuine reason. I phoned it back and it was a payphone.
Tomorrow night she's going with her work colleagues to a local nightclub, i've seen what she's planning to wear and although i'm no control freak, i'm not too happy about the prospect of 15 men leering at her. btw I'd never dream of telling her what to wear but i'd prefer she kept such outfits for when she was with me? Is that silly?
I'm meeting up with her 2morow, later on in the night, but i'm gonna play a little game. I'm gonna tell her i can't make it...then i'll turn up later and take a back seat and hopefully just observe what goes on without being seen.
Spying? Maybe, but i've gotta know if anythings happening as i've been *badly* stung before. I really do hope i see nothing....and if i don't, i'll make myself seen and join in the night <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">.
I'll let you know on Wednesday if anything went on 2morow night.
btw she's 18 (her first serious relationship), i'm 22. sorry about the essay!
0
Comments
The slip of her tongue, mite b on her mind, try being less posessive with her, even if u dont say stuff, u got the womans 6th sense that'' know u aint happy.
Phone call... doubt n e 1 whos just moved would want to phone some1 the next morning.
Spying, deathwish, she catch u ur outta ther.
Let the girl go out n enjoy herself, u should b happy she's having a fun time, even if ur not part of it at the moment, clothes n shit, well let her look good, u know ur gonna have her at the end of the nite n e way, mite as well make other ppl jealous <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif">
Sorry, it's just your description of her work place matches up exactly with mine, you know, 15 lads, several women.
If it is Wendi then she works same place as I do, and she is also going out with a lad who calls himself Sid but his real name begins with a J.
If it is then you already know me.
If not then sorry for prolly making your paranoia worse.
Dont be paranoid, as the above post said, she probably wants to get out a bit more with just her mates. Her showing you what she is gonna be wearing means she can trust you, and wants you to trust her. Have you said anything to her about the clothes? Tell her that you would like her to try something else on, but do it in a positive way. Tell her that her other (less revealing!) outfit looks much better on her. Female egos being what they are she'll probably change. Why dont you just go with her to the club? If you are there then she wont do anything anyway.
Hope it goes well
If the frequency rate has increased recently, then worry!
Spying is not a good idea, trust is important in a relationship & if there's nothing going on, but she realises that you have been watching her, you will have created a problem where one doesn't exist.
Good luck & welcome to thesite <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
j9
i guess i'm coming across as a bit paranoid, it's hard to put everything into context in a post. I do feel that deep down i'm being a bit silly. But i've had this gut feeling before, with an x, and unfortunately i was proved right <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">.
Daze i know she's only young and i appreciate that. She is mature for her age though and although i'm her first long term b/friend, she'd had boyfriends before and wasn't sexually naive.
It's fine if she wants to go out and see and experience a bit more of the world. But if it involves seeing other lads then fair enough, i just don't want to be taken for a ride and waste time on building something with her. I'd let her go straight away, as much as it would hurt.
Whowhere, no her name isn't Wendi. I wouldn't comment on what she wants to wear as it's her decision, i don't think she would listen anyway lol <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">!
j9, she doesn't mention the guys name at all. In fact she doesn't talk about work, fullstop.
'Spying' isn't a good idea, agreed. I will turn up before i said i would...sorry but i have put my mind at rest. If she is playing away and manages to keep it to herself, i'd rather find out now than x number of months/years from someone else.
Thx for the comments people. I'll post 2morow and it'll probably prove that i'm just being paranoid.
What did you do in the end???
i decided not to bother going early, i went on time as arranged at 10.15. she was supposed to phone me to tell me where to meet her but didn't phone till 10.45 <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">, anyway.....had a good night <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">, her workmates seem ok, however her boss started being silly <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">. generally winding me up.....the worst of it was getting some bloke he knew to ask me if he could have sex with my g/f in return for some favour from him (to me). hahahahaha, not. then the boss himself starts telling me how he 'shouts' at and 'boloxs' my g/f if she makes a mistake. hmmm
in the end i lost it a bit, not physically threatening him....i said something like 'if u eva shout at her, i'll shout at YOU', i put my drink down and said this face to face...i am a pretty well built bloke and he did indeed shut up, his face dropped. i aint no bully but i wasn't having that.
me and my g/f then had a row when we got home over it. she said i over reacted, i said he was lucky i never decked him. then we start arguing over all sorts of old stuff to do with ex's (mine mainly).
then low and behold, on thurs he attitude changed over the thing with her boss. apparently someone at work had told her that he IS an ass when he's drunk...also i think a female m8 of hers might have backed me up.
we talked and sorted out a whole heap of past issues and thats where it's at now, had a really nice with her last night but hey i know things can change pretty fast.
Don't take life seriously because you can't come out of it alive
i knew there was something wrong....tonight we had a major heart to heart, through much prodding she admitted her feelings have changed towards be...something like 'i still love you but not IN love with you'....also more or less admitted she's looking at other lads (i can think of one in particular).
not a good night.
dont really see how we'll work this one out, could be a single lad again soon which makes me <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"> and also <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> cos i'm not gonna take being p1ssed about.
*Where their is smoke their is ALWAYS fire*
I really dont know what else to say.
Just dont hold nothing back if u wanna go crazy or be morbid u know u can do!
ah well...look at the things u can do without being in a relationship? i've just finished one and im happy being single now!
besides, u can always have her in your memories...there is always the good time there.
The night after she said those things (over the phone), she denied that she'd 'meant' it, reckoned it all came out wrong?
I've since found out that she'd been lying about some stuff too. Basically, she'd been lying about what time she finishes work (i usually pick her up). Instead of working, she'd been drinking with her work m8s...dont get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in that whatsoever, but why lie about it? Whats she got to hide? Also, if she'd told me beforehand, i would have went out too, but me being the soft **** i am, i go wait for her in the freezing cold to pick her up.
I dont like liars. Once a liar always a liar. I could accept her excuses but i dont trust her now and without trust, you have nothing. I'd rather us split up now than in x years time, atleast we have no other ties (kids, mortgage etc).
So i guess it's back to the cattle farms again lol (clubs etc) but i'll need a while to get into it again, u sorta get out of practice when you've only had eyes for one person.
Any lessons learnt? Well, trust your instincts. If you sense something is wrong, and you've been right in the past, then you're probably right again.
I'm also applying a previously learnt lesson to this relationship which is not to take ANY sh1t, and neither should anyone else. There's lots of great people out there, just go out and meet 'em <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">.
[This message has been edited by Sid (edited 23-01-2001).]
That is sooooo true. sorry it didn't end happily (((sid))) but it soundslike its for the best <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
The more sand that escapes through the hourglass of time, the clearer we should be able to see through it.
all that lying sounds a bit dodgy, if she wanted to go for a drink why didnt she just tell you? if there was nothing sinister going on then surely she has nothing to hide?? but if theres no trust, i think its hard to have a relationship. partly why mine broke down in fact, my ex did something he promised not to and then didnt tell me about it and i foudn out from someone else and i could never trust him after that really, so i should have ended it back in september rather than waiting a few months!
so anyway, i learnt that when you know in your head something is reality, it usually is, my heart just made me too blind to actually see what a couple of people close to me had been saying about the relationship.
so i guess what we take out of failed relationships are good memories, and something about how the last one went wrong and how to stop it happening again! so its not all bad.
and being single's fun anyway, you're free and it just feels so liberating, i felt really happy today about the whole thing and its cool! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
you'll find someone else soon, just give yourself some time to get over this relationship first, and then you will love again! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
sorry im a little bit mad today!! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.
And there's more <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
...we got back together through much talking and arguing which sorta makes me <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"> and <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">, we've been getting on ok for a short time but since we've got back 2 together, i expected that we'll spilt sooner or later, probably sooner, then i found out -
she's pregnant. OH
MY
GOD !!!
Totally unplanned, we've *always* used contraception (the Pill at the time). Just shows it's not 100% so be careful.
My first thoughts was that i didnt want to bring a baby into such an unsettled relationship, yes abortion isnt nice but nor is having no proper family (PLEASE no abortion debate, this isnt the right thread, start another if u wanna do that).
But to my surprise she wants to keep it ('it' for want of a better word). I've said i'll stick with her either way (obviously, and i will). Its just that i'd hate to think that we'd split up soon after she's given birth <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">.
I've always said that when i do eventually become a Dad (not 4 a long time i thought), EVERYTHING would be 100% right ie.
1. great, solid relationship
2. financially secure
3. ready to settle down
But -
1. Had a terrible prevoius 6 weeks, a bad 3/4 months (see above <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">) )
2. Although i'm ok money wise cos of a well paid p/t job, being a medical student means my working hours are limited (thus my income).
3. Dunno, I love her, alot, but is she 'the one'....?
Sorry about the long post (again)
Any advice would be appreciated...
(((((sid)))))
so what if ur not in love with her, you have responsibility and above all if she wants to keep it then u have to b there whether ur in a relationship or not.
did she only come back to you because she knew she was pregnant because it cud b a possiblity. I don't mean to burst ur bubble or anything, just pointin out that it cud b a reason.
Yeah so, congrats on gettin bak with her, congrats (i don't know if thats the rite word) on gettin to b a dad.
Sometimes things sneak up on u and yeah its not the most ideal situation, but u have to deal with it, and dats wot u gotta do now. ur life is probably gonna b very different and its probably scary but u gotta figure out a way 4 it to work
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
LMAO <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
you could say that, just a bit <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif"> <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
I would be there for the baby if we were together or not....but i'd rather not be a Dad in the first place if the relationship wasn't stable. Sorry, nothing against single parents etc, but i do believe in the traditional fmaily structure ie a mum and dad, under the same roof, in a solid relationship. Idealistic? Probably..but thats me.
Good point - i hadnt thought about whether she knew alreadly...hmm. She did sound genuinely shocked when she told me but i guess u never know....
Even if i was all for a termination, i wouldnt tell her this as i'd never pressure her like that....i'm not even sure what i'm all for anyway....if we'd been getting along like we used to i'd be really really happy, but cos of whats been happening recently, i'm unsure. Say she doesnt have the baby partly cos i mention how unsure i am...will i regret it in the future??? It's difficult
<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">. She might change her mind anyway, who knows?
Thankfully no immediate decisions have to be made as she can only be 6 weeks gone at the most...
I'll keep you posted lol <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">.
ps i've gotta laugh or i'll go nuts.
Duno what else to say......... cept when it rains it pours........... all complications come at once.
Keep us updated
"I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again." -Dido
You should definitely voice your opinion, you're the baby's father and although it is ultimately her decision, you should definitely get a say!!! Letting her know how you feel shouldn't pressurise her, but she does need to know how the baby's father is reacting and coping with this.
Also, u shud get this sorted out asap because the longer u wait, the more risks there r if ur gonna terminate the pregnancy.
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
Drifter, i have dropped VERY subtle hints at considering termination.....on both occasions she started to get a bit upset so i shut up and havent really mentioned it since.
Atleast she does know thats its readily available as we read some stuff on it together.
Thing is she might want to have the baby whether she sees us together in the future or not. Who knows? Maybe she wants it even if she doesnt want me?
Life eh?
Of course, some people don't believe in abortions or maybe she just wants to keep it. Maybe she does want it even if she doesn't want you, but is just looking for your support?
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
Maybe that's the best course of action?? Or ignore my gibberish.
DM
I don't live to work, I work to live and I live at the weekends. I'm the last of the big time drinkers.
the more i think about it, the more i realise that a baby at this time is not a good idea....how the hell could we support it? I reckon i'd have to leave my studies
<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"> and work f/time in a job i dont like, she'd have to leave her job.
She lives at home with her parents, i'm in student accommodation. We'd have to get somewhere more suitable...but i dont want no crummy flat. This is bloody difficult.
Turtle thats not gibberish lol, thx for your input.
It was after she started her new job that the troubles between us started, now she says she'll leave her job cos she's pregnant...but when the child gets older, say she returns to it, i couldnt hack all that sh1t again, no way.
Cheers for listening people <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">.
Right, after careful questioning and LOADS of bluffing and blagging that'd make Inspector Morse proud, i discovered what i suspected all along....that'd she'd been playing away <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">.
As in shagging a wanker at work, who I have duly headbutted and will no doubt see around when he hasnt got 3 wanker friends with him.
Fucked him several times over Xmas, about the time the baby was conceived.
Obviously that casts a BIG doubt on who the father is. We have both decided to go ahead with an abortion. Obviously we're finished (she doesnt want to, i do), but i'm gonna use her for a bit just like she's been using me.
Thing is, if i'd never got the facts outa her, i could have been bringing up someone elses kid.
I've also very nearly cocked up my degree course through it all, hopefully i can catch up.
Obviously i'm gutted and i've been crying right through the night, after getting my head around it i was actually looking forward to being a Dad.
Life Eh ?
You probably feel as if you are in a form of mourning now. It does sound like you have been through the mills.
It really is lucky that you got the facts out of her now, as you say. I'm sorry that you have "lost your baby" but at least now you can get on with your life, sorry if that sounds heartless but IMHO it's now time to throw yourself back into your studies.
The story of your life as it is unfolding is very interesting and its probably helped to get your feelings down on paper. Why not write it out in full, starting from the beginning, in some kind of journal, you may find that it helps you to get through it, clearing your head so that you can move on.
Good luck with catching up with your degree course & please, keep us informed of how it's all going.
<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> j9
yes you're right, thank GOD i found out now.
I guess i'm in mourning for the relationship, dunno exactly what i feel about the baby as i'm not sure if it's mine although i was looking forward to being a dad after getting used to the idea <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">.
Thing that gets me is, what kind of a person can deceive someone so much as to let them believe something as precious as a child is theirs?
Again, thx for that, i needed reminding just how lucky i am finding out now...
[This message has been edited by Sid (edited 26-03-2001).]
im sorry to hear about what your gf did to you, and you breaking up <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"> i know just how hard it is to breakup with someone, althuogh i dont know the pain of someone cheating on you, and im sure the emotions are on a higher level when theres a potential child involved.
you're right, it is far better to find out now that your gf has been cheating on you, thats not the sort of person you want to be involved in a long term relationship with, and especially not soemone who might let you believe the child is yours when it in fact isnt.
you're probably making the sensible choice by having an abortion, as youre not going to be together and youd have to give up your whole chance at a career to support it.. and it might not even be yours. but youd have to do your best just in case it was, im sure you wouldnt be able to abandon it even if the suspicion was there. so youre probably doing the right thing.
as for being a father, im sure your time will come and you'll be a great dad, with the right woman and at the right time (or almost the right time anyway, nothing's ever perfect when it comes to timing!), when you can afford to support a baby, and when you're in a settled and secure relationship. but i suppose its only natural to feel a loss for the son or daughter you might have had. (might being the operative word in all senses).
i think your gf was probably scared and thought that staying with you would be the best thing for the baby, if she went ahead and had it, rather than trying to start up a relationship with this other guy just for the sake of the baby. it sounds like maybe she was putting the baby's needs first in some way.. although you claerly wouldnt have been able to support a baby with you doing a degree, but maybe she knew you would love the baby as your own, whether there was a slight doubt it might not be (presumably hoping youd never find out anyway)... or perhaps she was being purely selfish, thinking that youd stick by HER and look after HER as she was pregnant, and she wouldnt have to go through it alone. i dunno, they're just a few possible explanations.
anyway i hope you can get back on track with your degree and you can resume a "normal" life after all this. im sure you'll keep us all updated about everything <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> good luck!
It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burn a thousand trees
I should have worded my original post a little differently - she has decided to have an abortion, not me, it's got nothing to do with me really as we're not together.
I was seriously thinking about getting a paternity test when the baby was born because of my original suspicions so i would have found out eventually
most probably...
it does sadden me to think that it may me mine, but i reckon it'd be a slim chance at best as we didnt really see each other at that time.
those are good points as to why she didnt get with that other tosser....but she could have chosen me just cos he didnt wanna know ?
I've spoken to her tonight on the phone and she wants me to give her a chance, she reckons she'll quit her job etc etc and never lie again and so on....i know this is stupid but i am considering it....god knows why?
I do really love her, i've had a few serious g/friends in the past but she was the first girl that i'd felt that truly in love with, and this happens <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">. Tonight in work, the topic got round to me becoming a dad, i felt so bad having to tell them that i wont be because my g/f was pregnant by someone else...
I cant help thinking that because i've been unfaithful to ex's in the past, that somehow i may be getting what i deserve?
I now know how betrayal truly feels, and how horrible and destructive a relationship can be when one partner is constantly covering their tracks and lying.
Thx for the suggestions and kind words <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
I will keep you updated but i dont wanna bore everyone with this topic so i'll shut up!
Next step, i'm taking her to the doctors 2morow...
j9
I've been cheated on and i forgave (stupid me). Anywho, then I cheated (but not as serious and i was very very drunk) and i actually told him to his face and apologized and criend many many tears and he didn't forgive. grrrrrrrr...... that made me mad. why i'm writing, this i don't know. i guess i sor of feel your pain!
~*~JiLLiaNNe~*~
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was.