Me and my grandfather.

Former Member · May 2001

Most of you know about my parents, and how that's affected me. And it's something that, for the most part, I've got over.

But now a new chapter is going to open very breifly in this saga that is my life. For my grandfather, Ray, is coming to Zurich for a week.

Now, what's so bad about that? I mean, i've always had a good relationship with him, he's a kindly, caring guy, he obviously loves me a lot and overall, he's been a pretty good grandfather.

So where's the problem. This guy is a baptist minister. He spends his life counselling people, being caring, giving them advice. So when my parents split, I was hoping that maybe, somehow, he would help me, give me some kind words, keep in contact with me. You know, the sort of thing one would expect a good grandfather to do.

So late august, 3 or 4 months after my parents had split, I get a call from him on my mobile. I dominate the conversation, not thru choice, but because he had so little to say. I get ONE email from him, checking up on me. I didn't even bother replying.

I've not falled out with him, I just feel like he didn't try with me. It was my mum that pushed him into calling me, not his choice. I feel like he abandoned me when i needed him most. And whilst i can't say i hate him, i can say that i feel absolutely no love for the guy.

And now he's coming to Zurich for a visit, and, obviously wants to see me. but i don't want to see him, and i've told my mum as much. he wasn't there for me when i needed him, why should i be there for him when he WANTS me. he's only 60-odd, he isn't that old.

what the hell should i do? see him, bottle up my feelings and pretend everythings ok? or see him, tell him what i think and hang around for the fall out? or tell him over the phone, and listen to his patronising "i'm sorry you feel that way, son, but blah blah blah"?

not easy for me, would appreciate advice as to which course of action to take.

thank you,

an appreciative turtletoise

Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.

Former Member · May 2001

hmmmmmm quite a difficult 1 i must say, i can understand y u feel abandond, but personally if i were u i would tell him how u feel and how him not being there 4 u at a time in ur life when u needed him the most has really upset u.

i mean god forbid but if ne thing happened 2 him u would feel mega guilty 4 not talking over how u felt with him. also he may have had his reasons 4 not being there 4 u (they may of course not be justifyable) so i think the only way u r going to feel ne better is if u let him know how u feel.

hope ive been of some help, good luck luv jo lizzie xxx

Former Member · May 2001

i think you have to let this one go and try to work things out with your grandfather, and here's why:

1. this was tough on him too. not an excuse but people deal with things however they can, and i'm guessing you were BOTH in denial for a while. unfortunately, you were an innocent victim in your grandfather's struggle.

2. you may have expected too much out of him. he's only human too and sometimes people run away from their problems.

3. i've done what you've done and expected people to be emotionally supportive in tough times. well, sometimes, unless YOU reach out and tell people you need their help, you may not get what you were expecting. it's unfair for you to just assume that he knows the level of crisis you're going through, even if mom and dad told him how they think you are feeling. if you wanted his help, you could have asked him for it.

i don't think he abandoned you and i don't think u really think he did either. with that said, u do have the right to ask him why he wasn't more supportive or more proactive in providing you with counselling. in fact, i think u need to tell him how disappointed you have been with his behavior.

and if he's as good a guy as you say he is, i'm guessing he'll see the error of his ways and try to mend fences.

besides. this is your grandpa, you only get two. he deserves a second chance... (we all do. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif"> )

and it never hurts to be the better man by letting bygones be bygones shellhead. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

good luck dude

Former Member · May 2001

Originally posted by jolizzie11:
if i were u i would tell him how u feel and how him not being there 4 u at a time in ur life when u needed him the most has really upset u.

I agree with jolizzie here Turtle. It may be easier to do over the phone, but then again maybe you find it easier to talk in person. Whatever, don't bottle up your feelings because that's not like you and he'll figure something's up anyway.

I agree with Calvin too, give him a second chance, family may not seem either too great or too important at the moment, but later in life you may be glad of them.

Former Member · May 2001

Originally posted by Calvin:

and it never hurts to be the better man by letting bygones be bygones shellhead. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

ouch, is about all i can say to that. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> but u do have a point, and i've seen it in action b4 <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

and yeah, i guess ur right. u always seem to be. :P smart ass.

Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.

Former Member · May 2001

Originally posted by Turtle:

and yeah, i guess ur right. u always seem to be. :P smart ass.

see, i earn my demigod status. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

Former Member · May 2001

Originally posted by Calvin:
see, i earn my demigod status. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

are u implying i didn't?

Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.

Former Member · May 2001

not at all, just saying i worked hard for it. i'm sure you have too, seeing as much as you post, you had to dish out some good advice. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif">

have you sorted out what ur gonna do with gramps yet?

Former Member · May 2001

Originally posted by Calvin:
not at all, just saying i worked hard for it. i'm sure you have too, seeing as much as you post, you had to dish out some good advice. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif">

have you sorted out what ur gonna do with gramps yet?

u'd think, given the probablity, i must've given some useful advice. but i doubt it <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif">

as for gramps...i think i'll probably talk to him about it, in a friendly, civilised manner, and see what he has to say. if he comes up with nothing, and simply wasn't there for me when i needed it, THEN i shall rip into him. but i'll let him defend himself first.

but i knew that all along, i just realised. typical, u guys just helped me confirm what i was gonna do.

Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.

Former Member · May 2001

i'll just say, that its a lot easier to give advice and help people in emotional need when they are not involved in the situation. maybe he felt awkward.

There's a girl in my mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did

Former Member · May 2001

Originally posted by Drifter:
i'll just say, that its a lot easier to give advice and help people in emotional need when they are not involved in the situation. maybe he felt awkward.

cept from my point of view, he isn't/wasn't involved in the situation at all. so that's crap!

Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.

Former Member · May 2001

i meant when you're speaking to your relatives it can be harder because he knows you better

There's a girl in my mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did

Former Member · May 2001

ahh, i see. yeah, alright, i can follow that. thank u <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">

Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.

Me and my grandfather.

Comments