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Selharm = killing me slowly..
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don't want to stop self-harming but I do want to stop it? It's really getting to my. I keep phoning white lodge (local CFCS place) and they keep saying they're get in contact but they never do. I tried calling the Samaritans but I'm to scare to talk. The same with saneline which spanner gladly provided the contact info for 
Anyway I feel like it's slowly eating away at me but part of myself likes it yet the other parts hate it. It's like drugs. For a while when you do it you feel great. The increased amount of endorphins going around my body make me feel so good at the time and I don't want to lose that feeling. I like it but then afterwards I realise what I've done and it kills me knowing I do this. I'm scared to speak to people. But somehow. Someway I find sanctuary in this place and I feel TheSite is the only place I feel safe to turn to. I can’t speak to no more fucking shrinks and councillors they’ve done fuck all to help me and I’m sick off all these fucking meetings and shit. They do fuck all for me and they don’t know what I feel like. I’ve almost given up hope and I don’t know what else I can do, I feel very screwed up and this is the only place I can turn to. Help please. I beg you.
Anyway I feel like it's slowly eating away at me but part of myself likes it yet the other parts hate it. It's like drugs. For a while when you do it you feel great. The increased amount of endorphins going around my body make me feel so good at the time and I don't want to lose that feeling. I like it but then afterwards I realise what I've done and it kills me knowing I do this. I'm scared to speak to people. But somehow. Someway I find sanctuary in this place and I feel TheSite is the only place I feel safe to turn to. I can’t speak to no more fucking shrinks and councillors they’ve done fuck all to help me and I’m sick off all these fucking meetings and shit. They do fuck all for me and they don’t know what I feel like. I’ve almost given up hope and I don’t know what else I can do, I feel very screwed up and this is the only place I can turn to. Help please. I beg you.
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Comments
Kirsty x
I don’t think Ad’s will help and also I don’t want to become dependent on them like my mother. They fucked her up and I won’t let them do the same to me. I won’t let it happen it ruined her life and it’ll ruin mine.
I’m sorry If I’m being difficult but it’s how I feel towards these,
Thank you everyone. Thank you all for everything you’ve done for me. This place seems more like home than my real home. Sad I know.
I don't know how you feel because I'm not you and I can only begin to imagine how things are for you. But hang on in their and don't give up trying. A lot of people stop as I'm sure you've read on here already. And yes it is really hard to stay stopped and sometimes when you really want to self harm there comes a point when it's better to give in to temptation than to resist.
I managed to stop for 14 months after nearly 4 years of self harming. And yes I've relapsed but I've stopped before so I know I can stop again.
Keep posting on these boards... their are some really sound people on here who have helped us all in the past. It really helps coming on here as you've already said.
Eventually you'll feel ready to stop or feel ready to take some steps towards stopping. But no-one says that it's easy.
(PM me if you want)
Randomgirl
thank you sooooooo much *hugs*
Self harm is a bitch, but it's almost like a comfort blanket, isn't it? That was how I felt. I knew what I was doing was damaging my body, but at the same time it made me feel like I was coping... because I could externalise my internal dilema, in a sense because I couldn't understand what I felt inside, putting it on the surface of my skin made me feel a pain however... and I think I wanted to feel pain because otherwise things wouldn't be reality... am I making sense? Or spouting out poetic dribble?
I know people say that once you're a self-harmer, then you'll always be one... but I don't believe that, not at all. Maybe the individual is more vulnerable, but I don't believe that it's something that will always be there, you can stop. Now I ain't a doctor, a therapist... but I'll tell you how I got over it. And maybe it'll work for you, I dunno. Every little helps, right?
Firstly I sat back and tried to work out why I cut and scratched myself. It wasn't for sexual pleasure and I can't say I was a masochist or that I did it for attention as I kept it hidden well. I found that the cuts never hurt at the moment I did them, but the pain kicked in later. I'd feel sick, I'd feel guilty and it would hate myself more, I felt like a freak. You see when I cut I felt like I'd got my feelings out in the open, like I'd let some pressure out of the pipe work. It was almost like a haven for me mentally, it was a drug because it helped me deal with what I was going through at the time...
Ok... now stop and look at what was written above. Firstly the problem recognised in my case was the idea that:
when I cut I felt like I'd got my feelings out in the open, like I'd let some pressure out of the pipe work.
In other words cutting would vent the feelings, externalise them. But then what has writing this done? Put the feelings down on paper (or more correctly, the computer screen). Ever find that putting your feelings down in writing helps you make sense of them? Because you can see what you're thinking... then analyse.
I'd feel sick, I'd feel guilty and it would hate myself more, I felt like a freak.
Another thing to look at is your thoughts about yourself. After all the way in which one person sees the world is completely different to the way in which another perceives it. So you may feel 'different', or like a freak... but then self-harm is hardly a unique phenomenom. A lot of people are in the same boat, it's nothing to feel guilty about, to feel ashamed about.
Sit back, write a list of your negative points... I bet they ain't unique, I bet a thousand, maybe even a million people posess that 'negative trait'. And then write down your positive traits... maybe get some help if it's hard.
I mean, self-harm... at least fro my angle was a coping method and to combat it I guess I had to think rationally. To assume less what other people might be thinking of me and to look more in to what I can do and to not worry about what I can't change or achieve. I took to writing instead of cutting and poured my energy in to artwork (and a few months after leaving the unit I got some poetry published
Yeah depression is shit, it's the shittiest of shit that can happen in a shitty world. But the fact is that shit happens... and some things we gotta cope with. 'Problems' we face... well if we can change the situation then look at it as a challenge. Anything we can't change look at as something that should be accepted. And every friend, every smile, every time something makes us chuckle, see it as a blessing. Because believe it or not, the thing that makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.
Sorry if I focussed on my own experiences too much. Am not being conceited, just thought it may help...
Take care,
Sel
xx
thank you so much sel, I can relate to that but still I feel like I love cutting to much which hurts me but the cutting also makes me feel alive..
My numb body feels stimulated, awake, the pain after the cuts are done when they kick it, it feels real and gives me a kick.. This isn't the main reason I get but a few times the pain has felt plessureable but not that much. the main thing is I feel I deserve it.. I want it to much I'm addicted it helps me.. I NEED IT.. I BELIEVE so much I need it..
I've fallen in love with it in some sence..
Other people have been in the same situation as you and have accepted their ways out of it, you need to start listening to the people who try to help you and following their advice, instead of inventing another problem around it, which is what you seem to do.
If this sounds harsh it's because that's what reality is.
the thing is I've been seeing councilors and shrinks for awhile now and they never seem to take me seriously, I've had many and many apointments and nothing ever comes out of it, we discuss my problems and shit but it doesn't help, I feel the NHS has failed me, I've given them time and alot of my time I've had lots of apointments and tests and shit but it doesn't seem to help, Prozac didn't help either,
I don't expect you to understand what I feel.
I have a better idea than you might think.
I'm just not sure what you want from us. Many of the people hear have given suggestions and such, and it just looks like you refuse to follow through on them coming up with one excuse after another for why the solutions do not work.
Other people here have dealt with serious self-harm, because they *want* to. They have stopped doing it. You have to *want* to stop doing it because none of us is going to come over and take away all your sharp things or stay your hand.
When you just carry on and produce reasons that people can see through like glass, then it really begins to look like you just crave the attention that the SH gives you and not the release. We can't help you get over that, it's up to you. You want to be another of the teen angst people that SHs for the "glamour"?
half of me wants to stop the other half doesn't... It's hard.. very hard.. I dunno... my heads a mess:crying:
The sad face doesn't wash with me im afraid. Like I said it may be harsh what I am saying but it is reality. What you are doing may be for the reasons you say but it can be percieved in many ways.
And if you don't want to stop, then you wont. Simple as.
Mist..this isn't directed at you. it's directed to everyone.
Hmm. I think you misread what I am saying.
Yeah yeah, we know. We've been there.
There are only so many things people can say to you mate. We've given the advice, we've said how to get out of the hole. It's possible, but you have to want to, and for whatever reason you don't want to. Simple as.
The truth hurts, but there is simply no point in continuing to bleat about it all on here if you are unwilling or unable to take the advice we give you. Much as *hugs* and stuff are nice, they will achieve fuck all.
And cruel as it sounded, perhaps Mist has a point- if everyone ignored you on here, you wouldn't post on here. That doesn't mean that you are an attention-seeker, but it does mean that you seek attention. If that makes sense.
The only person who can help you is you. No-one can come in and save you, you have to want it. And be prepared to take the rough with the smooth. If you are finding reasons to not then you aren't ready yet; whether that is because you are too scared or because you like the attention too much doesn't matter.
Just because someone doesn't feel ready to stop doesn't mean that we can't offer support.
It wasn't meant to from me, and I'm sure it wasn't from Mist.
No, it doesn't mean that we can't offer them support, but unfortunately there is only so many times someone can go *hugs* to the same person before it gets irritating. Graeme has aked for advice quite a few times, and we have always given him the same advice- there really isn't much more we can do if he can't or won't take it.
I'm sorry the truth is so blunt, but that's the way it is.
What I'm mainly asking for now is what to do? I've lost trust in the NHS and the councillors. I don't feel I can confide in them anymore..
You have to consider why you have lost faith in them, and consider who you were seeing.
Counsellors are good at dealing with people who've had a recent event trigger depression (such as bereavement) but they are too generalised to deal with anything more deep-rooted, in my experience. I saw a university counsellor and he didn't get it; it wasn't his fault, it just was beyond his expertise.
Have you been to see a proper psychotherapist, or just an NHS counsellor? I've been through the mental health network in Newcastle and yes, they are over-stretched, but they have been nothing short of excellent. Unfortunately they are only as good as you let them be- if you won't talk you won't get anywhere, and it takes a long time for some people to start. I've been going two years nearly, and I've only really just started to open up. It's a fact that your relationship with your therapist says more about you than them; you react to them as you react to new people, as a general rule. Or so the psych books say, anyway.
The reason why you can't confide in them will probably be more your problem than theirs, I'm afraid. You need to think about why you can't, and try and do something about it. I know you don't like the idea of ADs, but if your moods are as unpredictable as you say on here then they will stabilise you enough to go into therapy properly.
I had a very similar experience recently with our university counselling service.
I'm on another waiting list now at somplace else that my doctor referred me to.
But I'm not the most patient of people at the best of times... waiting feels like standing still.
Did the doctor say where s/he was referring you to? I was referred to a specialised psychiatric unit in Newcastle, who then bumped me up the queue and got me in in Durham- which is where I am. So that was nice.
Waiting is a bitch, and I was lucky because they queue-jumped me. Otherwise it would have been an eighteen-month waiting list, and that really is poo:(
That will probably only be for the psychiatric assessment. Then, in my experience at least, you go into the queue for the relevant treatment; for me, they just bumped me up the queue because it's important to treat young Borderlines first. Apparently.
But I don't think its a psychiatric centre... just like therapy and stuff like CBT and psychotherapy and stuff. Not entirely sure I really understand the difference (despite having read the "daft question" thread) but actually I don't really care because I'll do anything my doctors suggests it seems... I'm sure she knows who to send me to, I just go along with it.
Well I do most things my doctor suggests. Little point going to a doctor if you don't!
Aye, you have to trust your doctor. Though I would advise to always be questioning, and don't ever do anything you feel uncomfortable with just because your doctor tells you to.
My entry was harsh, yes, but this is a harsh subject. There are some truths that sometimes need to be said and I make no apologies for saying them. It's life.
Hellfire will only start recovering when he accepts that he needs to.
The point of my original reply was not bitchyness it was reality, I knew I would get responses exactly like yours and Randomgirls, but I posted anyway, and I know of others who would have posted similar responses to mine but that they knew what they would face in reply.
I disagree. We should support them and tell them they're strong enough to be able to stop. because people are, it's just hard to see -in a state of depression- who you really are and how strong and beautiful you can be.
Fuck yeah... I've been there. I walked out on my psychiatrist telling him that depression was as much a part of me as wings are a part of a bird. I rebelled a few times in the unit I was in and told kids stuff I wasn't supposed to... until it hit me that I was 18 at the time and I had to pull myself out. I think the first thing to do is know that you want to get better. Don't ever think that you have to stop self-harming tomorrow, but more that it's something to be done gradually. Getting better takes time and a shit load of effort, but as myself and others on thesite will back up, getting better is hella good!
The NHS... all they need is a little pressure. Where I am, services are short, but if they know your position and how bad you feel, they may put you higher on the list to get help. Do the docs know you slef harm?