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Self harm
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,722 Bot
Last night I self harmed for the first time in about 5 months.
I was really down about my nana and i just took out my blade and did it. I cut myself. It didnt hurt though. I don't understand why it didnt hurt, i mean my cuts are fairly deep, but not deep enough to need stiches. They just dont hurt. I can sit here and pick at them and i cant feel the pain that im meant to be feeling.
I don't know why im saying all this, I guess I just needed to tell someone.
I was really down about my nana and i just took out my blade and did it. I cut myself. It didnt hurt though. I don't understand why it didnt hurt, i mean my cuts are fairly deep, but not deep enough to need stiches. They just dont hurt. I can sit here and pick at them and i cant feel the pain that im meant to be feeling.
I don't know why im saying all this, I guess I just needed to tell someone.
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
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Well, not exactly sure how to answer that except I have been that way a lot. Especially if I am so numb because of whatever reason I am feeling like shit, then it doesn't hurt, but, yeah, I do get to the points, whenever I do self-harm, which isn't as frequent as it used to be, but yeah, I am the same way sometimes.
Sorry for rambling on about nothing.
All I do know is that you mustn't hold this against yourself. I believe it's normally Kermit who says there's no such thing as an ex-self-harmer and I completely agree. When things are bad, you're open to temptation. You succumbed this time but don't let it push you back.
Most of all, don't use it as another stick to beat yourself with. Don't feel you've "failed", because you haven't.
Take care.
Urm...I said that...
But yea i know your right. I dont know why i do it tho, i havent done it since but then ive ended up totally wasted...
I'm sorry to hear that you've been self harming again, it sounds like you've been under a lot of stress and it all got too much. It's difficult not to turn to our usual method of coping when things get tough, so you shouldn't blame yourself for falling into that trap, but maybe you should try to find a way out of this cycle.
Have you ever spoken to anyone about your urges to self harm? There are lots of organisations you can contact for support - we have a useful page of links here. We also have a feature about stopping self harm that you may find helpful here.
I hope this helps.
Take care
Hannah x
*hugest hugs ever*
One thing I found is that the pain wasn't there at the immediate moment when I would cut, it'd feel like I was leetting pressure out of a valve and then everything would be Ok for a while. But I suffered from both depression and anxiety disorder at the time so once I realised what I'd done I'd end up having a heavy panic attack and the pain would come surging back.
Anybody else relate?
:yes: very much so. i *never* felt pain. the pain always used to come as i was getting through the "black" patch. if i was feeling very low for days then i wouldnt feel the pain from the cuts (and some were quite deep) until i felt a bit better psychologically.
And here you write about how low you feel. Why do you have such extremes of high and low feelings??
I thought you'd understand that.
Sex may give the boost needed ?
Im good at hiding exactly how im feeling, some days I can feel quite pissed off but when i get here i hide it.
Huh?:rolleyes:
And your point is?
Yup, we release natural feel good chemicals when we hump like bunnies.
Depends on what you're calling normal.... For every person it is different
How observant :rolleyes:
Sex gives a boost of endorphins, but at an emotional level a lot of women judge themselves against how sexually attractive they are to men- men wanting to have sex with them gives them the acceptance and desire that they crave.
BUt I would have thought you would understand mental health difficulties, at least tangentially.
I know i do, but to me sex and self harm are two totally different aspects of my life.
I feel very low when i am alone, which is why for the past week and a bit ive only slept at home about three times.
I dont want to self harm so i put all my energy into going out and forcing myself to have a good time even if i know inside i feel like shit.
I know that i have extreme emotions and thats part of my problem.
I find it very hard to talk about how i feel, even on here, because over the years i have come to know people here as mates and i dont want them to know how i really feel about life because im scared of loosing the mates ive made.
I think i need and LJ or something so i can vent and express how feel with out the risk of people i know seeing it.
LJ is wonderful for venting, because you can show as many or as few people as you like what is really happening.
I don't really know you as a mate, but I'm sure most of us would rather you talked about it on here in order to feel better, rather than bottling it up and making it worse. Though I do know what you mean- if I'm down or sad, I'll never ask for advice from here anymore. Which is a shame, but so it goes- and I have cool LJ people anyway:)
I read the Mirror newspaper yesterday and came to an article about self harm. On the front was a picture of a woman who self harms due to her being abused as a child and generally being a bit fucked in the head. The cuts on her arms made my stomach turn as they were so deep and still fresh. Doing it myself doesn't make me feel sick, or pain, but seeing someone elses cuts really affected me. The last time I self harmed was New Years Eve, and I definitely plan on keeping on the wagon, especially after seeing that picture.
I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I feel.
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but the internet is somewhere where a lot of people with problems retreat to, because it is safer than the real world. That will definitely be shown on places like this, especially given how people can be more open anonymously anyway.