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Would any one mind...

SystemSystem Posts: 8,622 Staff Team
If i posted a story i'd written. i just want to know if its any good.
Its erm...rather long though.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    not at all... pm me it if you wanted....

    love sarah x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok well i might as well do it anyway and delete it if i get moaned at.

    Love, Hate, Tragedy

    "I love you. You know that, don’t you, Dave?" Liza said warmly as she stared out of her bathroom window. The rain was falling lightly on the glass of the misty window of her new house. She could just about make out the tall leafy trees that swayed gently in the first rainfall of the dry summer that was now behind her. But Liza wasn’t interested in the rain or her new house. In fact she didn’t really like the house in the first place, she just moved in to the first house her lover suggested they moved into. No, she didn’t care for anything but one thing at the moment. All Liza wanted to do was talk to Dave. Liza loved Dave more than anything on earth. Well maybe not more than chocolate but who can honestly say they could love a man more than chocolate? But that’s not the point. Liza would give anything for Dave. She hadn't had the chance to talk to him for a long time. She has to keep her relationship with Dave secret. Her lover is incredibly jealous of any man she has contact with. So if she wants to keep their relationship alive and kicking she has to keep things hidden.

    "I don’t know what I'd do if you weren't around for me to talk to. I think I'd go mad. I just wish you lived closer to me. I could really do with a hug right now. Matt is really getting up my ass right now. If I even talk to another guy he thinks I'm having an affair with them. I don’t know what I'm going to do with him. I mean, sometimes he shouts at me for hours at a time, re-naming every man that I've spoken to within the last few months. It’s complete shit most of the time I hate it when he gets like that. But when he's not in one of his moods, he's the nicest guy I've ever met…"she stops for a while and looks up and out of the window with a dreamy expression on her face.

    "Oi! What about me? You lied to me. You said I was the nicest guy you ever met. I'm hurt. I'll never be the same man again. I'm crushed. I'm going to have to end it all. Good bye cruel world…" Dave said in a sarastic tone of voice.
    "Oh, shut up, Dave" Liza giggles a little. Dave knows what she means and is not really hurt. He just jokes around with her because they were in the same drama class together at Ashmole secondary school. And in the final production of 'Jack and the Bean Stalk' Liza forgot her final lines as the Giant and decided it would be a good idea to adlib. Lets just say she took things a little too far and ended up with a 5-day suspension.
    "You know what I mean."
    "Why do you even take his shit in the first place? You know he's screwing you around. He always has, ever since you two first got together two years ago. The only reason he got with you in the first place is because he was going out with your cousin and found out she didn’t want to shag him so moved on to you, the school tart at the time. You two were made for each other. The thing is you calmed down and he didn't." Liza chose to ignore this because deep down she knows its true but she's in denial and wont admit it to herself let alone her best friend so she just carries on the conversation like he never said anything.
    "Do you love me, Dave?"
    "In more ways than you know. Why… What do you want?"
    "I want you to move back to London. There are plenty of good music colleges here. I don’t know why you had to move to Ireland in the first place. It's to far away from me if you love me you'd move back."
    "You know I would, Liza. You know I want to. But alas, I cannot. The world needs me. Otherwise it will forever have to listen to mindless computer generated tech-no crap with names like Garage and House. The world needs me to filter out all the rubbish that’s around creating noise pollution"
    "I doubt you retaking your music A levels is going to do all that."
    "I am at the top music school in Ireland, you know. But hey I can dream cant I?"
    " You certainly can. I had better go, I'm starting to prune" Dave laughs, unsure what she means but carries on anyway because of the random way she blurted it out.
    They say their good byes and Liza hangs up the phone, sighs deeply and slowly sinks into her bath.

    * * * * * * *

    The rain has been falling in Dublin for two weeks now. It hasn’t stopped once, not even in the darkness of the night. I know this because Dave's lives in an attic conversion and can hear the sound of every drop of rain that falls on the roof. Dave is staying with a nice little Irish family on the outskirts of Dublin. He didn’t really know the family when he moved but his parents did so they organised the move for him. Dave has been living with them for almost a year now. He works part time in Macdonald's. He hates every minute of it but he only works there so he can afford to buy a plane ticket home to visit Liza one day in the near future.
    As Dave lies on his bed staring out the small attic window, the last track of Pinks Floyds' Dark Side of the Moon begins to play, he thinks to himself that maybe one day Liza will see Matthew for what he really is and leave him. He sits up and reaches for a little tin with a picture of a grey extra terrestrial with a spliff in his mouth on it. With a small little speech bubble saying 'take me to ur dealer' that Dave had drawn on the last time he got stoned. He opens the tin and takes out a spliff that he had rolled the day before. As he lights the joint he carries on thinking about Liza. He wonders what it would be like to hold her, to kiss her, to be loved truly by her. There was no denying that Liza loved Dave, but only as a friend. Dave wanted more than that. Dave wanted Liza all to himself. With no Matthew to get in his way. Liza had told Dave many a time that if she hadn't fallen for Matthew she would probably be with him right now. How Dave wished that she was. Dave inhaled the thick smoke from the joint he lay back on the bed and said quietly to himself "Dave, what's the matter with you? Get a life. All you ever do is think of Liza. Get it into your head that it could never happen unless Matthew was out of the picture." Then it hit him like a bolt of lightning hits a tall oak tree, he would make sure Matthew was out of the picture. He would kill him. But he knew he had to wait until the time was right. He would have to wait until the next fight between Liza and Matthew. But who knows how long that would be. Liza said herself that they only fight every few months. Dave would have to stir things up between them.
    Dave knew how jealous Matthew could be and Liza had told him never to call the house after six o'clock because that’s when Matt was home. So that’s what he would do. He would call the house tonight and stir up one hell of a fight between the lovers so bad that he would have an excuse to come back home to England, kill Matthew and then be there for Liza in her hour of need.
    The effects of the cannabis were starting to kick in by now and the rain was getting heavy. As Dave took the last drag of the spliff he re-started the Pink Floyd album and carried on staring out of the window.
    * * * * * *
    Liza lay motionless on her new sofa, she didn’t want to move. She didn’t want to crumple her new outfit. Not that there was much to crumple. She had bought it last week in the sale at Miss Selfridges. Her and Matt had been going through a dry spell and when she saw this dress, she thought it would be the perfect thing to put the spark back again. Liza was counting the seconds for Matt to get home. She couldn’t wait. The door latch went and Liza almost jumped out of her skin. She wasn’t expecting Matt back for another thirty seconds. Normally he waits outside so that he can arrive home on the dot. But not today. Liza had told him to get home as soon as he could and if it was only by thirty seconds so be it.
    Matthew walked casually in to the living room placed his and on the door frame and said in a cool calm tone of voice” Well, Ms Rosebud, you have certainly exceeded yourself this time you look stunning"
    "Well, stunning wasn’t what I was going for, Mr Sprialson"
    Matthew walked further into the room and closed the door.
    "What exactly were you going for?" but before she could answer the phone rang. Matt reached over to the cordless phone and answered it. Matthew looked at Liza scornfully. "Yes, she’s here. What do you want?" he paused for a moment to listen the reply. “Well, I'm sorry but I don’t care. You can’t talk to her and if you ever call her again, I'll kill you". At that Matthew hung up, threw the phone, stood up and started to pace across the room.
    "What’s the matter darling?" Liza asked, a little scared of whom it could have been on the phone that had made Matt so angry.
    "Don’t daring me, you little slut!" he screamed at her. Liza looked at him completely confused. "How dare you do this to me? You lied to me! You’ve been screwing around behind my back!!"
    "What are you talking about Matt? I've never! I wouldn’t! I promise you, I've not even looked at another man since we got together!" Liza was scared now. She hated it when he got in one of his moods. But this time he seemed different. He actually seemed hurt by what the mystery caller had said to him. She wondered who it could have been.
    "STOP LYING TO ME, BITCH! I'll make you pay for what you’ve done". At that he grabbed Liza by her hair and threw her on to the floor. Liza begged him not to do this but it was too late. She would have to put up with it till he calmed down. Matthew took her by the hair once again and raised his fist.

    * * * * * * *
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Liza stood in front of the mirror in nothing but her under wear. She was covered in bruises and it hurt her to move. She had called the Bank that she worked at and said she wouldn’t be in for a few weeks because there were problems at home that needed to be fixed. Jonathan, her boss knew what she meant because Matthew had done this to her before about a year ago. He had promised her he would never raise her fist to her again. He even cried. Which was probably why she took him back. Only this time it was worse. The last time he didn’t hit her face or anywhere that could be seen if she was wearing the right sort of clothes. This time she had two black eyes, a broken nose and her lip was spit in two places.
    She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to do last time either. So she just stood in front of the mirror looking at her battered and bruised body in disgust. After an hour of her standing in front of the mirror with tears slowly sliding down her checks. Her mobile phone bleeped at her. She didn’t take any notice of it to begin with. But she became curious and wondered who had text messaged her. She turned her body slowly because it hurt so much and picked up the phone, wincing and letting out a small cry of pain when she stretched out her arm. It was Dave who had texted her. She felt relieved that it wasn’t Matthew trying to apologise to her. She never wanted to see him again. She wanted him out of her life for good. The house was in her name and she was the one making the mortgage payments so she could kick him out the house and not feel guilty about it. She called Dave straight away to tell him that her and Matthew had been fighting again. Dave didn’t know that Matthew had ever hit her. And she didn’t want him to know. But she had no one else anymore and she needed Dave to protect her from Matthew at the moment. So she asked Dave to drop everything and come back to England for a few weeks. Dave could hear in the sound of her voice that she was scared about something but didn’t know what. So he agreed almost immediately.
    Liza's heart was pounding in her chest and her breath quickened. She started to sob down the phone to Dave.
    "Dave please come home. I need you here. I'm scared. Help me, please!"
    "Oh my God, my poor darling. I'll kill him! Are you ok? What’s he doing to you?" Dave already guessed what he was doing but he said it with out thinking.
    "He's making me pancakes…what the fuck do you think he’s doing? You heard what he said. Come home, please Dave, come home today!!!"
    "LIZA!!!" Matthew screamed again "GET HERE NOW"
    If Liza didn’t go now she would end up dead and she knew it. So she hung up the phone without saying goodbye and went downstairs into the living room to see what he wanted.

    * * * * * *

    Dave look down at the crumpled up piece of paper that had Liza's address on it then looked up at a house with a big black door with the number 106 nailed into it. He stepped up onto the doorstep and knocked on the large brass doorknocker. He stepped down off the step and looked up at the house once again to see if he could see anyone in the windows. Liza opened the door ever so slightly because she didn’t know who it could be.
    She had kicked Matt out the house an hour before Dave arrived because of the things he had done to her earlier that day. They were worse than the beating she had been given the day before.
    Once she saw it was Dave, she opened the door fully to let him in a quickly as possible.
    As soon as Dave was inside the house, he took the keys off Liza and double locked the door, leaving the keys in the keyhole so Matthew could not open the door with his set of keys if he tried. Then he put on the chain, and bolted the top and bottom locks. They were as safe as they could be until they had the locks changed so there would no way that Matthew could ever get into the house again.
    Once the task had been completed, Dave took a long hard look at Liza and tears welled up in his eyes. Liza was already crying. A tear ran down her bruised cheek and Dave wiped it away. He held Liza in his arms and they both started to cry.
    "You’re safe now, Hunni. He will never hurt you again. I promise you. I won’t let him." Dave whispered in between sobs.

    Dave made Liza tell him everything that Matthew had done to her. He was starting to feel guilty about causing the trouble but he managed to convince himself that if it hadn't happened then it would have happened at a later time.
    After Liza had finished telling Dave everything, he stood up and hugged her and told her that he would be there for her. He would transfer to a college in London and stay with her. She looked at him in such a loving way that it almost broke Dave’s heart. She was in so much pain.
    Dave held her close for a long time after, rocking her gently and talking in a soothing voice. She had stopped crying but she still felt very vulnerable and needed this to keep her sane.
    "I love you Dave" Liza whispered.
    "Don't say things you don’t mean, Liza. It hurts me when you say that, I know you don’t love me in the way I love you. I’m sorry to tell you now. I know that you really don’t want to hear this. But I love you and I always have."
    Liza sat up and looked Dave in the eyes.
    "Why didn’t you tell me?"
    Dave looked down at the floor. He was embarrassed at what he had just said to her.
    "Because I didn’t know how to tell you and I didn’t know what you would say. I guess I was afraid that if I told you, you would hang up the phone and never talk to me again. But we're not on the phone. We're sitting here face to face. And I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. I'm sorry, Liza, please forgive me" Liza placed her index finger on his lips
    "Shhhhhhh…. It’s ok,” she said in a calm and quiet voice. She lent over to Dave and kissed him gently on the lips. His heart melted. He had wanted this ever since he met her.
    "I love you, Dave" Liza repeated. Liza stood up and held out her hand. Dave looked confused but stood up and took her hand anyway. She said nothing as she leaded her best friend up the stairs and into her bedroom. Dave was shaking at this point.
    "Are you sure?" Dave asked.
    "More than I have been about anything else in my entire life." She replied. Dave pulled her closer to him and kissed her like he always dreamed he would.

    * * * * * *
    Matthew was staying at the little bed and breakfast opposite his house. From his rented bedroom window he could see everything that went on in the front rooms of his house.
    He saw when Dave arrived. He saw Liza and Dave kiss. And he even saw them make love in his bed. Matthew was growing more and more angry by the minute.
    "I knew you were having an affair" he said to himself quietly "You’re not going to get away with this Liza, I'm never going to let you go. Ever."

    * * * * * *
    Liza stared out of her bathroom window. It was raining again. Her bruises had gone now and she was smiling as she daydreamed about her new life with Dave.
    He was the complete opposite to Matthew. She missed Matt but she couldn’t let Dave know. It would rush him. So she just kept it a secret. The phone rang and she answered it with out thinking. Dave had told her to be very careful about answering the phone just in case it was Matt.
    "Hi. Liza Rosebud here, who’s speaking and what d'ya want?" she answered in a cheerful way.
    " It's Matt. And I want you back." Liza froze. She didn’t know what to say. She was scared. So she just stayed silent and listened to what he had to say.
    After a long silence, he started to talk again, knowing that she was too scared to talk. He defended himself perfectly. She even believed him when he told her that it would never happen again. She wouldn’t take him back. She knew that she couldn’t after what he had done to her. But she had agreed for him to come over so he could pick up his things.

    Liza didn’t think when she unbolted the door to let Matt in. It was like she had forgotten everything he had put her through. She put the kettle on and told Matt to be quick. She had packed his things up for him so he wouldn’t have to stay for long. But Matt hadn't really come to pick his things up. He couldn’t care less about his suits or his CD collection. He had other things on his mind.
    As soon as she had left him on his own, he bolted the door at the top because he knew that she couldn’t reach it. He walked calmly into the kitchen. She had her back to him. He put his arms around her waist and held on tightly. Liza tried to get away from him but it was no good, he had a tight grip on her. She was starting to panic now. She knew what would happen if she didn’t get away. The same thing happened a few hours before Dave came back to England to try and save her. She knew she had made a mistake trusting Matt again.
    Matt turned Liza round so he could see her face. He pushed her violently against the wall and held her by her throat. Liza looked around the room to see if there was anything she could get her hands on to try and stop Matt from beating her again. Then she saw it, on the draining board. The knife she had used to cut up the melon that her and Dave had eaten for breakfast this morning. She could just about reach it. She just hoped that Matt wouldn’t notice what she was going for and use it on her. He didn’t.
    She now had the knife in her hand. Matt was shouting at her still and was continuously looking into her eyes trying to frighten her. She wasn’t frightened any more. She had control. Matt didn’t know this yet but he soon would.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Liza stood in the kitchen just staring at the bleeding body that lay motionless on her white tiled floor. The blood was slowing seeping out of Matt's body. Liza then realised what she had done dropped the knife that was dripping deep red blood into her small pale hands and screamed! She didn’t know what she was going to do. She had just killed the man that had been abusing her. She was now shaking with fear. What was Dave going to say? She didn’t know if he would leave her for what she had done. And she didn’t want to take that chance. She didn’t want to go to jail. She couldn’t even cope with her life now. How was she meant to cope with a life in jail? Locked up twenty-three hours a day, she would go crazy. Not that she thought she was sane anymore.

    Liza ran upstairs and took out her portable mirror and smashed it on the side of the bathtub. She turned on the taps and let the water run rapidly into the tub. She didn’t even take off her clothes before she got in. She picked up a piece of the broken mirror and sliced into the skin of wrists. While she was doing this she was whispering a poem called 'confessions of a cutter' that she had written when she was younger explaining what she felt when she self harmed.
    "Silence, only tears. As I press the blade into my pale skin, red. The blood flows from my wounds. Echoing the pain I feel inside. Satisfaction. As I feel the knife slicing into me, all I deserve is pain. Anguish. As I realise what I have done. I feel the accomplishment. I gaze at the mark upon my skin. Stares. People are horrified. They don’t know why. Neither do I. "
    The water in the bathtub has quickened the bleeding from her wounds. She slips into unconsciousness due to loss of blood and slides down under the water where she drowns.

    "NOOOOOO! Liza no! Please God. don’t let her be dead!" Dave cries as he walks into the bathroom to find Liza's body floating in a bath full of bloody water. But Dave was too late. Too late by 3 hours. He had seen Matthew's body in the kitchen as soon as he arrived home and ran straight upstairs to see if Liza was ok.
    He didn’t know what to do so he lifted Liza's head from the water. Gave her one last kiss and told her he would be joining her soon. He opened the medicine cabinet and takes every pill that is in there. There are no more than 30 sleeping pills and 10 Prozac capsules so he washes them down with a bottle of whiskey to quicken the effect. He sits down on the floor next to the bathtub and reaches into the water to hold Liza's hand. He is starting to feel sleepy now and he tells Liza that he loves her one more time before he to slips into unconsciousness and dies.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry i didnt actually realise it was that long.
    Hope you like it. If you dont also let me know so i can make changes to it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Zella
    Sorry i didnt actually realise it was that long.
    Hope you like it. If you dont also let me know so i can make changes to it.

    that actually brought tears to my eyes you know :(

    ok mistakes fingys: in the second chapter third sentance "I know this because Dave's lives in an attic conversion and can hear the sound of every drop of rain that falls on the roof." - how come it says 'I' even though it's written in third person?

    and for some reason I don't like how it's written in present tense :confused: it just doesn't flow nicely in some places.. you know?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats really good:)And it made me cry.....
    But have to agree with ShyBoy, it may be better written in past rather then future. also i noticed you say there names alot, pahaps interuce each other them to make it easyer as you read it .
    Really good, made me think......

    whats it for/based on?
    Love Sx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you want to post a story and get expert opinion (i.e. people in the know) post here: http://www.fictionpress.com/
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys for your inputs and stuff.
    I dont really know why i wrote it in present tence, just came out that way.

    I wrote is cause i was bored ages ago. I dont think its based on anything. I just seem to have a knack of being able to write about some really scary stuff.

    Did it really make you cry?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    that is really good. and you say you just wrote it cos you were bored? :eek2:

    you have a real talent there, i am so jealous :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Zella

    Did it really make you cry?

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally, I think the way its written in the present tense makes it almost like a writers script, having stage directions etc.

    Your descriptions work well, but in some places it was a bit sudden. For example, at the beginning where Dave decides he'll kill Matt, I thought it was a bit full on when reading it, there wasn't much of a build up or an explanation. Also, when Liza killed Matthew, I think you could have perhaps prolonged this a bit more, and gone into further depth of her state of mind to bring more realism. The ending was also quite sudden, where Dave decides to kill himself, perhaps a bit more detail into his initial thoughts and feelings when he first saw her dead...

    Depsite that, I think the basis of the story was good. :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Zella
    Did it really make you cry?

    Tears weren't torrenting down my cheeks (I have my manly image to uphold ;):lol:) but I had tears on my eyelids. It was very powerful! Not the type of thing I'd normally read either!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by TheShyBoyInTheCorner
    but I had tears on my eyelids. It was very powerful!
    See, no offense or anything, but I didn't think it was powerful enough to produce tears...Maybe I'm just cold-hearted :p

    With a bit of work, and more emotion though, I think it could be very good.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't read it, because it was too blunt.

    It was like.. "Dave thought this..Liza said this, she went here.."

    I think you need to lose a few full stops. I know you want to shorten the sentence structure to create effect as if to portray a sudden happening or owt, but it's just too cutting.

    Lengthen it a bit. Yeaaah.

    It's just..ehh. I dunno, not descriptive enough. It's too she said this, and he did this, and she said this because he did this..

    Not my cuppa.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it could be good, but as 1983 pointed out it is too much "he did this, she did that".

    Also what Young and sexy said, it could have more description about their feelings - but it is a good story!:)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good story. Not sure about the technical proficiency, I would agree with some of the other comments, but it did really draw me in and I found it interesting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i agree with becks.

    it's not bad, but because of the bluntness, it's a bit jerky and disjointed. and your tense was a bit all over the place.

    also note that you don't have to include every little detail. and ambiguity is always good. you have a tendency to write in quite a prescriptive way, like 'dave did this because he thought that'. which is easy to read, but not always that interesting, cause the reader never thinks for themselves. try leaving things out. what does he mean? who's he talking about? why did he do that? it'll be a lot more gripping for a reader, cause they'll want to stick around to find out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    There's your expert opinion. [/ass-kissing]

    Most of it was good, apart from the lack of description. Dave's death was really sudden though. "Oh no, she's dead. I shall kill myself as well." was the impression I got.
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