parents and freedom

Former Member

hi guys i need your help

as those of you on my lj friends list will know, im really not happy and i havent been for a long time.
the main cause of this i think is because i have no freedom from my parents. im going to be 18 in 2 months and they treat me like im 12. im not allowed to hardly ever go out (not in the day) and when i do i have to be back at 10 regardless. im not allowed to stay at boys houses (even if they are just my friends) ive never been to a party, or even out to the pub for drinks cos im just not allowed

i cant cope with it and i need to let them know. but i just dont know how

i cant just go up to my mum and say look im not happy. i just cant

please help

Former Member

You could write a note with what you want to say on it and then give that to your mum. Then you don't have to feel like she's staring at you or whatever (sometimes how I feel heh). My parents are kinda similar and once they've made up their mind it's very hard to compromise with them; but I'll just start talking to them rationally. Normally they tell me that they've had the end of the conversation though.

At 17 I think you are entitled to more freedom! Don't back down though; you know what you want and it's not really unreasonable. Don't shout, or don't get too emotional OTT (try to just think rationally what you want to say). If you deliver a good argument then they'll have to let you out, surely?

Good luck :thumb:

Former Member

Just tell your parents how you feel, say you want more freedom and all your friends can go out,etc,etc.

Not allowed outside during the day, that's going a bit far, but didn't you say somewhere else about getting caught with coke so maybe that could be a reason they don't really want to give you as much freedom, do they trust you?

Just think of it this way, you'll be 18 in a few months and you do what you want then.

Former Member

Originally posted by Shogun
but didn't you say somewhere else about getting caught with coke so maybe that could be a reason they don't really want to give you as much freedom, do they trust you?

You got the wrong blonde. This is batman not bombshell.

And also I used to have the same problem. But i did what i wanted anyway. came back just that little bit later each week.
But i always told them where i was going, who i was with and how i was getting home.

Like if i was about an hour late for curfew(sp) i would say i missed the bus and got {insert male friends name here} to walk me home.

And with the whole sleeping over thing. I used to let them talk to my mates/boyfriends mum so they knew i wasnt lying about where i was. and i would get said parnt to say i was sleeping in a different room to them.

Its all about showing your parents that they can trust you to go out and have a good time while being sensable at the same time.

I would be honnest enough to tell my parents that alot of my mates did drugs but before they could say the "just say no" speach i told them how much i knew about drugs and the effects of them from observation. and i said that i didnt want to act like that (big hairy lie but it meant i could stay out an hour later that night)

Former Member

Try just explaining how unhappy it's making you. I'm sure they don't want you to be miserable, they're probably just trying to look after you.

Former Member

I have a simliar problem with my parents to becuase they restrict me on what I can do. I am also 17 and I am 18 in 5 months time and I wish they would give me my freedom. I have tried talking to them but it doesn't make a differece. What makes it worse is that my younger sister who is 16 seems to get away with doing anything she wants. My parents let her go to parties with her friends and my mum lets her stay at her 20 year old boyfriends house and I know for a fact at that age i would never be allowed to do. It's not very fair.

Former Member

thank you all for your replies.

ive tried talking to them before and i just get shouted down and told to act my age if i wanted to be treated it. which i think is very unfair when im tryin to talk maturely to them.

i just dont know what to say or how to say it because i can hear their replies now. it will be something like 'while you live under my roof you will live by my rules' or 'when i was your age blah blah' or 'up until the day i was married i had to be in by 10'

nothing makes a differnce

Former Member

Originally posted by blonde__batman
it will be something like 'while you live under my roof you will live by my rules' or 'when i was your age blah blah' or 'up until the day i was married i had to be in by 10'

What if you called their bluff...said you can't handle it anymore, they're treating you like a child, making you really unhappy and depressed, isolating you from your friends etc so you're going to move in with some friends to get away from them and get yourself some freedom. Would that make them see what they're doing and give you a bit more freedom so as to keep you at home? otherwise is there a relative who you can talk to who might then go to your parents and explain it all on your behalf?

Former Member

im not really close to any of my family so i couldnt talk to them.

i really want to get away from them for a while, just a few days so can have some time to do what i want. but i know they wont let me go

Former Member

I know that this wont be the best advice but......why not just go. Leave a note saying that your safe and you know where your going and when you'll be back. Just get yourself some space and try and chill out. When you get back if they have a go at you tell them that it was their actions that drove you to do it. Because you felt so isolated and needed some space to think. Say to them that it'll happen again if they keep being so over pratective of you. You are 17 now. soon to be an adult.
Say to them they need to start treating you like an adult before you can fully be one.
And tbh the term adult is just another way of saying do as your told. I hate it when my parents say that to me cos i know for a fact that when i try and have an adult discusion with them about say rent/decorating my new room/having male mates round. All they do is say "no were not talking about this now, your behaving like a child(even when im not) we want to watch/do/eat this with out you going on at us"
Dosent seem very "adult" to me some how.

Former Member

Originally posted by Zella

Dosent seem very "adult" to me some how.

me either but mine are the same. i pay £220 a month to live here, and i have no freedom at all. i wish i'd moved in at uni, if i had i'd be living such a better life.

i've thought about just going and leaving them a note. but i know i'd get such shit for it when i came back. and they'd keep me in the house permantly and say i acted very immaturely.

they dont even realise anything is wrong

Former Member

Originally posted by blonde__batman
me either but mine are the same. i pay £220 a month to live here, and i have no freedom at all. i wish i'd moved in at uni, if i had i'd be living such a better life.

Can you not see if you can get put on the accomodation list like if someone moves out of halls you can move in? For one thing you'd pay a hell of a lot less rent than you are now!

Originally posted by blonde__batman
they dont even realise anything is wrong

That's why you have to let them know what they're doing to you!

Former Member

Originally posted by Faith
That's why you have to let them know what they're doing to you!

i know, but i already know what they will say

Former Member

£220 a month?.. you might as well move in Uni Halls of Residence and have a blast!!!

Do you have a mobile phone?

My parents worry about me so I tel them if you're worried then call me on the phone when I'm out and about ... which they've hardly ever done.

You're not officially 18 yet so you can't legally do certain things like clubbing, etc. You might be better biding your time until you are 18, when's your Birthday?

Former Member

im 18 on may 28th, so 2 months today.

its not that i want to go out everynite and get really drunk etc. i just want to be able to go out when i want (within reason) and have fun without having to worry about going home smelling of alcohol/smoke and without having to worry about looking like a loser saying oh i have to home by 10

Former Member

I think moving in with some friends (if you can) in a flat or something like that would be your best option. Depends if you can afford it though :chin: one day the time will come where it's up to you to take the step and by the sounds of things your parents aren't going to help you; they just want you to stay at home like a good girl. Or something .

Former Member

Hang on - Are you at Uni? You say you pay rent and should have moved in to Uni but you're not 18 yet and you presumably don't have much of an income?

I'm a bit confused.

I think when you are 18 you will naturally have more freedom, though your parents will by the sounds of it still make things hard for you cos they are letting you stay in their house.

When my mum was in her late teens her parents would ground her for a week if she came back after 11pm. So she decided that being able to stay out til 3am or 6am once a fortnight was woth being grounded for! Not that I'm saying this would be ideal for you but perhaps you should just rebel a bit. Have you always played by their rules? It may be time for you to start doing a little bit more of what you want...perhaps wait a couple of months until you're 18, but after that you have rights.

Former Member

I'm quite suprised you're paying rent to live at home and you still have a curfew.

Apart from the rent thing my parents were very much like yours...except I had to be in at 9.30!! I was allowed out clubbing occasionally and then I had to be back home at 1am, which usually entailed me getting a taxi home alone, which is a bit dodgy and very expensive. Even after I was 18 and had my own car and job, they tried telling me the car had to be back on the driveway at 11. So thats exactly what happened...I took the car back home and then walked back to wherever I was in the first place!

If my parents had listened a bit more, and given me a bit more leniency I don't think I would felt so eager to leave. I moved out a couple months after my 18th. I ended up living in a grotty flat, with a grotty boyfriend and with no money, with a baby on the way. I'm not saying that this is their fault, but if I felt happier at home, and if my views were at least listened to...I don't think I would have moved out of home and gone quite so off the rails with my new found freedom.

You're only a couple months short of 18, you need to stand up to them a bit. Tell them what you are going to do, and who you will be with and what time they can expect you back...don't ask for their "permission"...if you think they might lock you out for the night make sure you can stay at a friends if the worst comes to the worst!!

Former Member

ok...yeah im at uni. but im not yet 18. i started in feb because my course has 2 intakes and as long as you are over 17 and a half they will take you.
i get paid £450 a month from the nhs to go there and do not have to pay any fees. so my parents take £220 of that money a month and give me no freedom in return.

i wish i had places to go out to, but the truth is i dont anymore. well not hardly. i've lost all my friends because i've had to tell them so many times that i cant go out with them, that i just dont hear from them anymore

Former Member

I can definitely sympathise, my parents are controlling like this, but I think it is because they genuinely care. It's a shame that you feel you've lost friends because you're so restricted, and also unfair that you have to pay rent, yet still are treated as a child. I'm not allowed to stay over at houseparties or at people's houses (male or female); my parents think it's "rude," and I don't follow that logic, but not staying over does mean you don't have to clear up, or have people seeing you looking rough the next morning!
I don't think rebelling would be a good idea, as your parents will take the view that it proves how immature you are in their eyes (although you're not). Have you tried just talking to one parent (maybe the more tolerant one) alone? The idea of writing a note was a good idea, as it means you can put feelings down clearly without getting distracted if you start to argue. If nothing else, wait until you're 18, then perhaps move in with someone on your course? Best of luck with it all xx

Former Member

Originally posted by Luce

I don't think rebelling would be a good idea, as your parents will take the view that it proves how immature you are in their eyes (although you're not).

yeah thats what i thought too. but i just feel like i cant cope here anymore and they just dont listen,

ive told my mum its unfair that they make me come in so early etc but she just says thats how it was for her etc etc

Former Member

To be quite honest, if your parents won't listen then there is only one thing you can do- and that is tell them to go and fuck themselves. In the nicest possible way, of course.

Rebel. Ignore them, and put yourself down for the housing list. See if you can find a spare room in another house; even if it is crap, at least you'll have freedom. It will cause arguments and tantrums, mostly by your immature parents, but what can they actually DO to stop you? You're 17, for God's sake.

Former Member

they could kick me out

Former Member

So you need to have a plan....is there a student digs? Try putting your name down and get it all sorted and then leave.

Former Member

.

Former Member

i cant believe you live in a house for £160 a month, and i have to pay £220 to live here and still get treated like a child.

i've tried talkin to them and all it does it kick off. i think i might go to stay with a friend for a few days next week. and leave them a letter explaining why i've gone (and where) and ask them not to come and get me as i shall be back when im ready. but that im safe etc but if i get home and get shit i shall just leave again. cos i cant live like this anymore

Former Member

.

Former Member

Originally posted by girl with sharp teeth
Bear in mind that £160 only covers the rent - you still have to be able to afford utilities and food on top of that, which I doubt you would have to do in your parents house.

no i dont, but i could live im sure on £450 a month

but i dont want to leave home, i like it here but i need my freedom

Former Member

The NHS pay you to go to uni? Thats insane. I'ma go to uni if I get paid that much. What course are you on?

I pay my mum £100 a month and get as much freedom as I like. I'm allowed to stay out as many nights as I want as long as I at least text her to tell her I wont be home and if I do come home I can roll in at whatever time I want. my Mum. Sometimes think shes too soft on me though.

Former Member

Originally posted by *Lisa*
The NHS pay you to go to uni? Thats insane. I'ma go to uni if I get paid that much. What course are you on?

My friend does nursing and gets a £5000 a year bursary and has no fees to pay. But this has to cover her rent and travel expenses though. And aswell as that they do shiteloads of shifts with horrible hours for no money. When she's on placement she works 5 days a week for a few months for nothing. So it's not as good as it sounds!


Sorry for changing the topic there Chelle! But I think you're idea is a good one, it should make them see what they're doing to you, but even if it doesn't you have a bit of freedom to relax for a few days

Former Member

Originally posted by Faith
My friend does nursing and gets a £5000 a year bursary and has no fees to pay. But this has to cover her rent and travel expenses though. And aswell as that they do shiteloads of shifts with horrible hours for no money. When she's on placement she works 5 days a week for a few months for nothing. So it's not as good as it sounds!

yeah thats true, i get £5000 a year and free bus pass but we have to work full shifts for months on end for no extra money.

Sorry for changing the topic there Chelle! But I think you're idea is a good one, it should make them see what they're doing to you, but even if it doesn't you have a bit of freedom to relax for a few days

molo has said i can go stay with him, so if things dont seem any better this weekend i mite go to him next week for a few days