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Shit happens.....and then you die
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
OK - I know I am probably going to get a flaming for this and perhaps I do deserve a good kicking if not a talking to, but I really need to get stuff off my chest and listen to some opinions.
As many of you know I have been with my boyfriend for ages (9 years or there about)
We've always been pretty independent within our relationship but have done the big things like buying a house together,getting a dog etc.
However, twice in the last three months I have snogged someone else (The same person both times) Someone much younger than myself, someone I vaguelly know and I like a lot
who is more like me than my boyfriend but isn't part of our circle of friends.
Both times I have made it clear that sex isn't on the cards and both times I have Come so close and not felt that guilty about it.
I know that some people can have sex without love and for a very long time I thought that to do so was wrong. My boyfriend is the only person I have slept with and I waited until I was in love with him.
Now I'm pissing around being a twat and coming close to doing something I shouldn't. In one way I've already betrayed my boyfriend.
What do I do - I can't stop thinking about this bloke and if we meet again (Which we are bound to) How can I stop myself from being a twat and doing something stupid.
Or would it be stupid, should I perhaps experement.
Should I stop myself now!
please be kind to me, I am confused - shit - perhaps I should have had more sex when younger but what can I do about it now?
My whole Moral stance seems to be changing!
As many of you know I have been with my boyfriend for ages (9 years or there about)
We've always been pretty independent within our relationship but have done the big things like buying a house together,getting a dog etc.
However, twice in the last three months I have snogged someone else (The same person both times) Someone much younger than myself, someone I vaguelly know and I like a lot
who is more like me than my boyfriend but isn't part of our circle of friends.
Both times I have made it clear that sex isn't on the cards and both times I have Come so close and not felt that guilty about it.
I know that some people can have sex without love and for a very long time I thought that to do so was wrong. My boyfriend is the only person I have slept with and I waited until I was in love with him.
Now I'm pissing around being a twat and coming close to doing something I shouldn't. In one way I've already betrayed my boyfriend.
What do I do - I can't stop thinking about this bloke and if we meet again (Which we are bound to) How can I stop myself from being a twat and doing something stupid.
Or would it be stupid, should I perhaps experement.
Should I stop myself now!
please be kind to me, I am confused - shit - perhaps I should have had more sex when younger but what can I do about it now?
My whole Moral stance seems to be changing!
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Comments
Your boyfriend is the only man you've slept with. You've been with the same man for nearly ten years, haven't really experienced a sexual relationship with anyone else. I can understand why you are curious, and tempted by this man. I don't blame you for kissing him. Many other women would have done more than that already. However, in my opinion, if you decide to do anything else with this new guy, I think you should ask yourself some serious questions.
Do I really love my partner? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Do I really need to experience this with this new bloke? Would I really be happier if I got with him? etc
It's up to you what you do of course, but I think before you do anything more with this new guy, you might want to have a chat with your boyfriend. It might give you a clearer idea of what you really want. I'm not saying confess, just tell him how you feel, and ask him how he feels about everything.
Personally, I don't think you should have slept with more people when you were younger. I doubt your relationship with your boyfriend would be as special if you had, but that's just me.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Do you wanna stay with your boyfriend? Or do you think you wanna break up with him and experience all the stuff you missed out on when you were younger?
I'm don't agree with what you've done/are doing at all, but I won't go into that because I know you're clever enough to realise that what you're doing is wrong, so I won't patronise you! The only thing that worries me is remembering you say that you and your boyf were trying for a baby....is that on hold now or you still trying?
I really think that maybe now is the time to either end your relationship or sit down with him and sort it out, because you can't be totally happy with your man can you?
In the end it's going to be down to you whether you sleep with him or not, but, if what you are after is just some sex with different people, then maybe you should get talking with your boyfriend about the possibility of involving others in your sex life.
Plenty of couples have a lot of fun having sex with different people whilst remaining in happy commited relationships.
I know this is nothing to do with it, but i dont get how people can do that, id be so jealous! maybe thats just me though *shrugs*
Hope you know what to do Byny
this bloke knows I have a boyfriend but we never talk about the situation at home.
We've never swapped numbers or met up intentionally. What happened, happened spontaneously and out of the blue the first time and the second time because I was a bit merry and happened to be in the same pub as him. There was a two month gap between the first and second time and I didn't plan the second time - it just happened. We've never arranged to meet or to call eachother.
I work with his housemate
He's 10 years younger than me!
Last time he said thatif it happened again we should 'shag like bunnies'
I know he just wants sex but at the same time he is so on my level, our backgrounds are similar etc etc
I know what I want to do - I want to be able to have sex with him. He said as much to me last time I saw him, but I don't think I could do it and not expect something else.
I know its wrong but twice now I've not stopped myself.
Theres no way I could have a threesom.
Hunnypot - I have strong morals but I think they are shifting...I'm more my fathers daughter than I thought.
I'm very bored with my relationship but that doesn't mean I don't think I have a future in it!
Faith - the baby idea is on hold until later this year because of circumstances. Sometimes I think I just need to move into a different stage and because my boyfriend has always been a bit reluctant somewhere in my mind I'm thinking - move on, move on...but I know too that there is no way I can move on to a man in his mid twenties and expect to start a family.
ho hum
I wasn't necessarily suggesting a threesome, more just opening up your relationship to include having sex with other people.
Not at all. It just means you want to explore more things sexually, it can enliven your sex lives and strengthen your relationship, but you have to understand the difference between the sex with others and the sex that you would have just with your partner, and there would be a large amount of trust involved.
If you are interested in that, then you could look up more information on swingers online. You would not necessarily have to swop partners or anything either, there's lots of people out there to cater to every taste.
Are you really sure you'd be happier with this man than your boyfriend? 9 years is a long time in a relationship to discard. It might just be a case of "the grass is always greener" syndrome. I wonder if say, 5 months down the line with this guy, you'll be thinking "what the heck am I doing?" It sounds to me like you just want a bit of fun, something new and exciting. Couldn't you have this with your boyfriend? See a relationships counsellor maybe.
Perhaps I'm wrong and you could have something special with this new fellow. In which case you might want to spend some more time with him, as friends.
I don't mean to sound like I'm nagging you, it's just I hate to see a steady relationship go down the drain
Anyway - I don't want a relationship with the other bloke - I just want to be the sort of person who can have rampant passion and not feel guilty or get caught and thats just terrible. I should have sown my oats when I was younger and perhaps I wouldn't be feeling like this??
Swinging? NAAAAHHHHH
You have to question yourself honestly about whether you love your boyfriend in the same way you did when you first met him and if not, then you know your future doesn't lie with him. I too have only (like it's a competition or something) slept with my current girlfriend but we've been together just over a year. She had a couple of previous partners before me but she has said that given the chance, she would have preferred to have been with me alone.
Our sex life is good and I have no needs or wants that cannot be met in my relationship but then again, people change and with that their wants and desires. Maybe you've thought about this already but what about variation in your sex life - perhaps it's too routine and you're too comfortable with your boyfriend. You should talk to him about this, honestly, because the longer you feed these thoughts, the more likely you are to act on them and cheat.
Imagine yourself as a singleton again with the freedom to sleep with whoever, whenever and consider if you would feel better or different if you slept with another 5, 10 or however many men. Would you? A one night stand is likely to be a pretty awkward affair and you might feel pretty shitty afterwards - used perhaps.
I sometimes imagine what other girls would be like - I'm sure everyone does - but it's just fantasy and I don't have any desire whatsoever to act on it.
Good luck
Ok - I don't have the best advice to you on this one to be honest as I'm a bit of a tart... In the long run, you just have to follow your heart. I'm not saying cheating is right, but if you feel that you have to see if something would work with the new person, I think you should give it a go!
Gx
it may seem an esay transfer at the time but i reckon you wil really regret it and destroy a lot.
perhaps go away for a bit with your bf and remind yourself of all the things that you truly love about him
Um - I'm struggling with this one
I see it going three ways
1. I see him around and I'm mates with his mates and so this could result in me going home with him and doing the same but not having sex over and over again
2. I could blank him so that there is no risk of that happening
3. we could say what the hell and just so it (But then possibly create more problems)
At the moment I don't exactly have any feelings, just that 'what would it be like' thing. If I do something stupid like sleeping with him then I could well develop feelings so I know that would be shitty.
I need to sort stuff out with my boyfriend but in the meantime keep away from the other bloke. much as I like him I guess it's not worth it.
and yes, Bomberman444, i guess I am being let off lightly.
The issue here is my changing morality I guess...
This 'fling' with the other guy is unlikely to amount to anything and is really just offering you some excitement and daydreams for your life. You need to take him out of the equation and just think about whether you want to be with your partner or whether you need to move on and make a change. It is a much harder prospect when you live with someone to go through that relationship breakup, and it may even be that you do want to stay with your partner. If you do you need to put this other person out of your head, you'll end up hurting your partner and yourself.
ramble, ramble, ramble
Just what I think anyhow ...
Susie x
The way I see it, this thing with the bloke has nothing to do with sex and it has nothing to do with the bloke. I don't think that you should have slept around more when you were young, because it wasn't what you wanted.
I still don't think it is- if it was, you would have slept with this bloke by now. This kising has nothing to do with sex, even,a s I see it anyway- it's a symptom of the problems in your relationship. Which means you face some hard choices.
Are you staying with your boyfriend because you are still in love with him, or are you staying with him because you've been with him so long and it's nice and comfy. Do you actually WANT to spend the rest of your life with him, or is it just easier than splitting up with him.
The fact that you are prepared to kiss anotehr man, and don't even feel guilty about it, means that there is a lot of problems in your relationship. I guess you have to decide whether or not you want to work through the problems, and fix them, or if you want to make a clean break; in the long-term, staying with him because it's comfy is only going to cause heartache and pain.
The answer to your problem is in your relationship with your boyfriend. How many men you've been with wouldn't be an issue if the relationship was still working fine.
I think that when something like this happens, it's a sign that you need to look at the relationship you're in and re-assess things. The fact that you don't even feel guilty about kissing the other guy is a pretty big issue here, I'd say, because if you're happy and in love with someone you don't usually kiss other people and not feel bothered by it.
Of course, it could just be a simple case of boredom or being stuck in a rut, but then again, you do sound severely tempted by the thought of sex with this other guy, which really isn't a good sign. Everyone meets other people occasionally and wonders "what if...?" but you actually seem to be asking "should I/shouldn't I?", rather than just hypothetically thinking about sleeping with him. I'd even go so far as to say you maybe want someone on here to tell you it wouldn't be that bad if you did, really. Like Susie and Kermit say, you need to ask yourself whether it's really worth staying with your current man and whether you still want him or if it's just a case of love-the-one-you're-with.
Personally I've never been in a nine-year relationship, or even anything close to that, and so don't feel I can offer the best advice here. But from my own experience, when I've been in relationships in the past and met other people who I've been seriously attracted to, to the point that I've seriously wanted something to happen with them, it's been a sign that I'm just not with the right person anymore.
Good Luck byny, whatever you decide to do.
In response to this... I'm 19 and I'm experiencing the whole playing the field/sowing the oats/whatever you want to call it thing for the first time really. It's a bit strange, to be honest. I think when you're in a serious relationship, as I was until 2 months ago (OK so it was a year and a half, not nine years, but still serious) it's easy to see single life as an attractive prospect, where you can have wonderful rampant no-strings-attached sex with whoever you want. I certainly found myself feeling like that towards the end of my relationship with my last boyfriend. I'd meet a really good looking guy and think 'ah, if only I could take things further...' and feel frustrated by the restricted feeling I got.
And now I'm single and yes, I could probably have no-strings-attached sex if I wanted to, but it's never that simple. Feelings and emotions almost always get involved even in the most casual flings. Most single people my age who I've met are either looking for a relationship of sorts, or looking for one night stands which sound attractive in theory but almost always end up with one of them getting hurt.
I seem to have rambled on a bit here but I guess I'm just trying to say that it's easy for you to have those regrets about not playing the field when you were younger, but speaking as a young person myself I'd say that even if you had, there'd still be loads of complications to it and it wouldn't make that much difference in the long run.
Gah I've completely lost my train of thought now... ho hum, sorry.
And Bomberman, I don't think byny's getting off lightly because she's female, but I think she's getting a lot of help and respect from her fellow Siters, rather than a right old flaming, because she's an established member of these forums now and has proved herself to be a thoughtful and caring member of the community who's been there to help others, rather than someone who joins up for five minutes to ask 'ive met dis well fit bloke bt ive got a bf+i dno wot2do shd I shag him or not?!'