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Trust
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hiya 
right as most of you mite know from my old *candycane* posts, ive been with my boyf for almost 4years now, and we are due to be married in august!
we did go through and issue of not trusting one another, but we worked it out, and i thought everything was fine until recently.
Fair enough i did cheat on him, but i regretted it deeply and now im getting on with my life with him.
He broke into one of my email accounts the other day and read all my emails, then started giving abuse to my m8s on msn
, he always checks my phone now, wonders where i go if i go out. and recently we have done nothing but row, over stupid little things, and its really putting me down.
Arguing doesnt seem to help, and no1 really understands, but what else can i do???? I mean if we are getting married in 5months and we have been together 4yrs, so why isnt he trusting me??/
love kandy x
right as most of you mite know from my old *candycane* posts, ive been with my boyf for almost 4years now, and we are due to be married in august
!we did go through and issue of not trusting one another, but we worked it out, and i thought everything was fine until recently.
Fair enough i did cheat on him, but i regretted it deeply and now im getting on with my life with him.
He broke into one of my email accounts the other day and read all my emails, then started giving abuse to my m8s on msn
, he always checks my phone now, wonders where i go if i go out. and recently we have done nothing but row, over stupid little things, and its really putting me down.Arguing doesnt seem to help, and no1 really understands, but what else can i do???? I mean if we are getting married in 5months and we have been together 4yrs, so why isnt he trusting me??/
love kandy x
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Comments
im sorry to hear about this Kandy!! It sounds to me like your b/f may have issues about trust again. its ok to wonder where you're going, as long as it isnt like a big interrigation everytime you go out!! i dont agree with him hacking into your email and checking your phone - they are private things and he should respect that. also, why was he giving abuse to your m8s on MSN?? doesn't he get on with them or summat?
i can understand all these little rows getting you down, but i think you need to sort this as you are getting married in 5months (congrats on that BTW :thumb:)
the best advice i can give you is to sit down with him and have a big
i really hope this advice helps, and that you get things sorted with him!! keep us posted, and good luck
You really shouldn't be getting married if you have deep issues that are not resolved.
Personally I can see where you are coming from but I would also suggest that maybe you shouldn't be all that bothered by him looking at your emails? Who cares if he does or not?
Marriage/partnership/whatever is about sharing and openness, from that will come trust, and from trust will come openness, it's like a circle thingumy.
yeah that advise has really helped! i do
love kandy xx
Do you live together? if not, how about just moving in together first, then youve got everything that marriage gives you, good and bad, but without those horrible two words -`legally binding`.
I really wouldnt encourage anyone to get married at 18 because you really will change a lot in the next few years. You may still be together and then youve lost nothing and can always do it a few years down the line.
i totally agree with all this.
no one's saying you shouldn't marry him, but if this is gonna be for the rest of your life, waiting a few more years won't hurt. cause it sounds like you're not ready to be married just yet. either of you.
bear in mind that once you're married it become a lot more difficult (not to mention expensive) to go your seperate ways.
also don't think that just getting married will automatically solve all your problems. it won't. it'll just make them all worse. before you make such an important commitment, you have to have everything sorted.
and i can't emphasise enough how much you will change over the next few years. from when i was 18/19 til now (i'm 23) i have become an entirely different person. and you just don't know if he will change with you, or if you will grow apart.
so what i would personally do is postpone the wedding. stay engaged, if you want, but have a few more years to just learn to deal with each other, until you decided you can definitely deal with each other for life.
What I'm trying to say is good luck- believe in love, but don't expect everything to work out just because of it. Love is the reason we work at things, its not the solution itself.
Freyja
but the things is i want to marry him now, we love each other and i never want to lose him!
yes we have lived 2gether for....... a year and a half and been 2gether 4 years.
i think the cheating thing was just a fling, that i possibly had to get out of my system before i settle down. but who knows!
yeah its expensive if we do get married and split, but my paretns have paid soooo much for this wedding. i have spoke to them about this and they said the £ doesnt matter its my happyness, but i almost lost Steven once dodnt think i could bare losing him again!
love kandy x
Right, from what has been said about your boyfriends actions recently, he obviously has major issues.
You say that this fling was something you may have just needed to get out of your system... Well, what if this happens again!? What if HE decides that he has to get something out of his system - but you are married at the time?! My GOD does it makes things a lot more complicated.
You say this: "i think the cheating thing was just a fling, that i possibly had to get out of my system before i settle down. but who knows!" - You see, you're not even sure what the deal was there yourself?!?!
Seriously, you say you don't want to lose him, but in a way you already have! I have NEVER EVER gone onto a girlfriends phone and checked things, NOR have I ever hacked into their e-mail accounts and abused their friends! Why on earth would he want to abuse your friends?! That is beyond out of order and a breach of your privacy.
I have to be completely honest here: I think you are far too young to get married. At 18, almost 19, you're still a kid (and I mean that in a non-patronising way) and have a hell of a lot of living to do! Most 18 year olds I know are complete idiots and have a lot of growing up to do - and that is the crux of it - you still have a lot of growing up to do, and to me, that can't be done with the person you have been with since you were 14/15! Just my point of view. As Kaffrin (and perhaps somebody else) said, you will grow up more in the next few years than any others in your life. You will be a completely different person. Your priorities will change, your goals will change and the chances are that what you want may be another person who fits better within these ideals!
Another point, and this is a bit of a generalisation, is that almost all the people that I know who got married or simply engaged so young ended up breaking up! Mainly due to one or the other having a "fling"... Maybe THEY had something to get out of their system as they never had a chance what with being married so young!?
My "first true love" (got I hate all that bollocks) was somebody that at the time I thought I would marry... Most people end up thinking that. Utter tripe though, most of the time. She is now married to another bloke she met around 6 months after we broke up... They've been together 6 or so years and she is BORED. She want's to go out on the pull etc etc... This is nothing bad against him, he's a great guy, but her views have changed, her ideals have changed yet she is tied into this binding contract that effectively means that if she does anything "illegal" such as shag anybody else... He finds out... They break up... It gets a whole lot more complicated etc. It ain't just about the money... Families get involved and it can get ugly amongst other things.
Oh - and for the record, about 6 months before she got married she tried it on with me saying that she "just wanted to do something 'reckless' before she tied the knot". Erm, no, I wasn't going to be the one to possibly facilitate a break up of that relationship just before they were married! How's that for a 'getting it out of your system' thing?! We had a BAD break up - her idea - which she then tried to fix. She got with blokey. Oh - and she'd already cheated on him with me once when we were trashed after she'd been with him about 9 months (before I knew the guy) and then wanted to again around 5 years later! Hmmm. I still get phonecalls saying I should take her out... Thing is, I know there is an underlying motive behind it so I don't.
I think I told you that lot just to show that people get bored and have urges that perhaps they shouldn't when they're with somebody. Trust me honey, these urges don't go away, and if you choose to 'get something out of your system' again, it could end in a whole world or hurt. Ok, now I'm repeating myself...
Seriously though, if he is behaving like this, you have a serious problem which needs addressing NOW. Not in a few weeks, months and especially not after the wedding!!
If he doesn't trust you now then he still won't after the wedding. You guys need to sit and sort this out. Now.
I hope you get it sorted honey, but I stand by my beliefs that getting married so young is a fucking waste of life. If this works out, I hope that you don't end up thinking the same when you're 24 and he's following you to work to see if you're cheating on him.
G.
http://vbulletin.thesite.org.uk/showthread.php?threadid=61658
See how this can happen?!?
Live a little, THEN settle down.
Gx
There has to be something seriously seriously wrong in a relationship for you to cheat in the first place, and the reason why is probably because you still need to get out and be with other people before you know whether hes the one. Im not anti marriage, Ive been married for 4 years and been with the him for 8. Marriage doesnt make relationships better, it just makes them harder to get out of if it starts going wrong. I think getting married when youve got such trust/ unfaithfulness issues in your relationship plus the fact youre so young, its such a gamble, youre not even paying for it yourself, so its not even your own money your gambling with.
You think youll be letting people down, but you wont be.
Maybe he thinks if you've cheated on him already, you'll do it again, and marriage is just a way of you knowing he can't leave you. Meh.
But I'm only 15, what do I know?
Nomi *Child of no knowledge*
XxxXxxx
Do u trust him, thats the question, or is it him just miss trusting u?!!
I think it would be a shame if ur marriage didnt work out but theres no point in marrying someone if they dont satisfy you enough that you have to have sex with other people!!!!
U no im not being nasty and that im just giving my opinion ok