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Lesbian Sister and Family Lies
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Just before Christmas I found out my younger sister is actually gay. She'd had enough bfs in the past for everyone to believe she was straight, so it was a bit of a surprise. I'm not sure if I'm just really easy going or still in a state of shock, but I wasn't in the slightest bit surprised (even tho I didn't see it coming) and the fact she's gay, in itself, doesn't bother me.. It's the lies that go with it that are really getting to me.
Turns out she's been with her gf (who, btw, is 31 - my sister is only 18!) since last August. She told my mum in November, who then soon told dad, but I only found out when she come home from uni for Xmas - mum told her to tell me because she couldn't stand lying to me (a joke in itself, considering everything else!), but because my sister didn't tell me, my mum cracked and told me a week before Xmas.
Xmas was horrible as we always have big family meals with the grandparents and aunties and uncles, yet my sister spent most of the holiday at her gf's house and we were constantly making excuses for where she was. She was rude and selfish toward my parents and I don't think I saw her for more than three hours straight in the entire three weeks she was home! Lying to my grandparents put a huge strain on my parents - my mum got upset and my dad just stayed quiet about it. I got majorly pissed off because my sister was upsetting everyone and I hated all the lying.
Three months on, she's been home for a few weekends and still not told our grandparents - despite me and my parents very nearly tripping ourselves up and telling them everything. My dad has overheard me talking about it all to my best friend on the phone and told me off for "talking about family business" to people it doesn't concern - but I am getting so pissed off with it all, I need someone to talk to! (and moan to, which I suppose is the point in this post!)
My sister and her gf have been together, like I said, since last August, which is nearly 7 months - quite a long-term relationship by my sister's standards! My mum has told her to tell our grandparents about it at Easter - ie when she is home long enough to talk it through, if necessary, rather than telling them, then skipping back off to uni and leaving mum to defend all the questions! I don't know whether that is actually gonna happen.. I know it's not my place to, but I'm getting so near to cracking I could tell them any time now! (I've left the room on several occassions, because I can't stand listening to my parents telling their parents she's "at a mates")
Anyway, the point in all this (I think!) was to ask if anyone had been through this before, either from my point of view or my sisters? I know it's probably not easy for her either, but she gives the complete attitude that what she is doing and who she is going out with is no big deal (don't get me wrong - I have no problem with that bit, whatsoever), but she won't face up to the problems its going to cause when it all comes out (let's just say the grandparents are a tad old-fashioned!).. Any comments, anyone?
Thanks in advance! (and thanks for reading - sorry, I know it was long!)
Turns out she's been with her gf (who, btw, is 31 - my sister is only 18!) since last August. She told my mum in November, who then soon told dad, but I only found out when she come home from uni for Xmas - mum told her to tell me because she couldn't stand lying to me (a joke in itself, considering everything else!), but because my sister didn't tell me, my mum cracked and told me a week before Xmas.
Xmas was horrible as we always have big family meals with the grandparents and aunties and uncles, yet my sister spent most of the holiday at her gf's house and we were constantly making excuses for where she was. She was rude and selfish toward my parents and I don't think I saw her for more than three hours straight in the entire three weeks she was home! Lying to my grandparents put a huge strain on my parents - my mum got upset and my dad just stayed quiet about it. I got majorly pissed off because my sister was upsetting everyone and I hated all the lying.
Three months on, she's been home for a few weekends and still not told our grandparents - despite me and my parents very nearly tripping ourselves up and telling them everything. My dad has overheard me talking about it all to my best friend on the phone and told me off for "talking about family business" to people it doesn't concern - but I am getting so pissed off with it all, I need someone to talk to! (and moan to, which I suppose is the point in this post!)
My sister and her gf have been together, like I said, since last August, which is nearly 7 months - quite a long-term relationship by my sister's standards! My mum has told her to tell our grandparents about it at Easter - ie when she is home long enough to talk it through, if necessary, rather than telling them, then skipping back off to uni and leaving mum to defend all the questions! I don't know whether that is actually gonna happen.. I know it's not my place to, but I'm getting so near to cracking I could tell them any time now! (I've left the room on several occassions, because I can't stand listening to my parents telling their parents she's "at a mates")
Anyway, the point in all this (I think!) was to ask if anyone had been through this before, either from my point of view or my sisters? I know it's probably not easy for her either, but she gives the complete attitude that what she is doing and who she is going out with is no big deal (don't get me wrong - I have no problem with that bit, whatsoever), but she won't face up to the problems its going to cause when it all comes out (let's just say the grandparents are a tad old-fashioned!).. Any comments, anyone?
Thanks in advance! (and thanks for reading - sorry, I know it was long!) 0
Comments
You have to understand it has taken guts to actually open up. Maybe she doesnt want to talk to grandparents because they are so old fashioned...a pretty good reason not to tell them id say.
I think your Dad is probably embarrased at the fact you were talking to friends about it. He probably imagined your sister settled down with a hubby and then a child only now its not going to be that way.
Would it be possible for someone else to tell the grandparents instead of your Sister ? (obviously ask her first).
Good luck, hopefully someone who has been in the same position can share their experiences
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that whilst I can see where you're coming from you have to respect that it's hard for your sister, too, and she probably just needs you all to cut her a bit of slack right now and let her take things at her own pace. I'm sure she's not trying to lie to you or cut you out of something important in her life, but it's not always easy.
1) whole thing bout bfs - lots of lesbians have had an 'odd' relationship past because of denial, trying to prove you're not lesbian, seeing if maybe you can 'be normal' after all, to fit in cause everyone else has got a bf.
2) lying - this could also be for a number of reasons. despite the fact that you seem quite cool about the whole thing (considering all of what i'm guessing you've been through recently) your sister's still gonna be worrying about how eveything's gonna turn out. maybe she still has a few niggling feelings that mess her head up now and again. maybe she doesn't want you to have the label 'lezzies sister' i dunno. i suggest you could try sitting down with her in a non threatening way and telling her how much you care (you obviously do care to have written this thread) and you want her to let you into this part of her life (??) lying seems like a good way out in the short run. as far the grand-parents are concerned if they're a tad old fashioned then she's gonna be wary of telling them...maybe she wants to leave the relationship to run a bit longer before discussing it with the gps. your sister is trying to deal with a lot and shutting you out a bit (?) and so she's forgetting how much this is affecting you...try saying how hard you're finding it too. please don't tell your gps though cause that won't help matters...it's gotta come from your sister when she's ready and when she feels that she's got the support round her.
3) you sound a bit worried about the age gap thing. 18 and 31... hmm...it is on the large side but in a lesbian relationship, age gaps aren't as much of a big deal as with straight ones. This isn't an unreasonable age gap for a lesbian relationship. it depends what your sister wants in a relationship really...lesbian relationships are based around doing things together and past times and stuff like that a lot more than straight relationships. ever looked at the difference between the lonely hearts ads? lesbians tend to ask for someone with similar interests. i'd say if your sister is happy and her and her gf are close and spending the time with each other you don't need to be too concerned.
pm me if you like.
For a while she lied about what she was doing to my parents, but I was trusted enough (apparently) for the truth about her internet girrlfriends that were different every week. I know what you mean about the old-fashioned grandparents though-thats why they dont know as such.
If you want to talk about it, pm me.
But it's hard for Cystal as well - her sister has been going off with her girlfriend and leaving everyone else to make excuses for her. She doesn't seem to have talked about it much and while that is her right; she seems to be leaving her family behind while she goes on and enjoys her life letting her mum, dad + sister cover her tracks.
Crystal I know what you mean about the lies thing and I hate it so badly!!! I can't stand lies at all. Especially when it appears that the person who does it doesn't seem to be bothered "oh it's only a little lie
To me it seems not only is there the complexity of the whole lesbian thing (which is probably a really big issue for your sister so you've got to let her deal with it) she is kind of infatuated with her girlfriend; obviously spending excessive amounts of time with her! Maybe it's because girls naturally like to be clingy :chin: and 2 girls = twice the clingyness
You should talk to your sister if it's bothering you because it's not your responsibility - it's her secret.
Have you never had a girlfriend and just wanted to be with her ?
Its hard on everyone, its not like her Sister could invite her partner over, so imagine Christmas and you not being able to see your partner how would you feel ?
Her Sister is probably thinking about everyone here, she wont want to leave her partner at christmas alone but all the family dont know her sexuality.
Go easy on her Sister I say, she cant hurt her partner by leaving her alone at Christmas and at least the family will have company ?
Over Xmas, she got very selfish - not caring about seeing our grandparents and not being bothered how my parents felt.. At first (she was home a few weeks before I found out where she had been going all the time), I thought it was just the fact that she'd just come home from her first term at uni, was used to her freedom and didn't like having to answer to anyone. She took off in mum's car all the time, without asking to use it, without telling us where she was going and when she would be back (I don't mean that in a controlling way, more for her safety - we live in the country, lots of winding roads edged with deep ditches, the weather was bad and it was her first winter of driving, my parents were concerned about knowing when to expect her home and when to start worrying!).
But then when I found out where she was actually going and when she knew I knew, her attitude got even worse - it was like she has a point to prove and was attention seeking because what she was doing was "different". She didn't give a toss about anyone and didn't care what position she put anyone in - my parents constantly defending where she was and making excuses when she didn't show up for family ocassions (that she'd promised us she would be there for)...
Picc - my parents haven't "taken it upon themselves to make her tell the rest of the family". They just hate having to lie and make excuses for her. They're a bit 50/50 about it at the minute - they want the grandparents to know so they don't have to lie but then they don't want to have to answer a million and one questions about it either... They might find out at Easter, when my sister is home for a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure...
Quite frankly, I couldn't care less whether she's going out with a man or a woman - like I said, it's the lies that bother me. She was never this selfish with past bfs (she was with one lad for more than three years, on and off, and with several others for 3-4 months at a time), and she appears to be playing on the "different" side to her relationship this time.. I think her behaviour is partly due to going to uni and the freedom she gets from living away from home most of the time, but the fact she's dating a woman this time around (she has never said if this is now a permanent thing or if she's bi-sexual, or whatever) is a huge part of it.
i didnt mean your parents. i just meant in general
She's acting like a spoilt lil brat imo and and using the gay factor as an excuse she needs to get her arse in gear.
My sentiments exactly! :rolleyes:
I see what you're (all) saying about telling the grandparents she's got a bf, but they'll do their nut about him/her being 31 anyway, so they might as well know the whole truth!
I know I said that I "feel like" telling them, but I know it's not my place (or my parents) too.. It just feels like the only solution at the mo..
My sister used to work with her gf before she went to uni. My sis was seeing one of their (male) colleagues (a couple of years older than her) but then found out he was cheating on her and got pretty cut up about it. Her now gf started out as a shoulder to cry on and apparently it went from there... :eek2:
My mum did say something earlier in the summer (more of a tongue-in-cheek, passing comment than anything) along the lines of how she "hoped all the time <sister> was spending with <gf> wasn't turning into something more than friends". We knew from the start <gf> was gay..
And when I say she hoped it wasn't "anything more", I must explain (again!) Mum hasn't got anything against my sister being gay - she's just quite concerned about the future.. how it is going to affect my sister - career/job-wise and in general, how/if she is going to be discriminated against, and all that kinda stuff :yeees:
Firstly *hugs*, it sounds like family life is on the tough side at the moment.
It may be a good idea for you to talk all this through with the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard (don't worry about the London bit, they are a national helpline), they run a helpline offering emotional support and information to people on any problem they may be facing on 020 7837 7324.
Hope it helps some,
CB
Hang around as many Drama people (and in San Fransisco) as often I do, you get to hear a lot of tales of "coming out". As far as I've heard, parents, grandparents and immediate family can be the hardest people to come out to, as they can be the most inhospitable and disbelieving. (Although in your sister's case it sounds like things are going to be fine in the long run). Of all the occasional nightmare tales I've heard, the worst was one about coming out to old-fasioned Grandparents. In many cases my mates attitude is that they just don't need to know!
I agree with piccolo when he says that it's "harsh to give your sister deadlines." In fact it is completely unreasonable . Your sister needs to come out to people at the rate which she feels comfortable as it's a long journey. As to the "it's been left up to the mother to tell the rest of the family"... well... personally, I think this is something your sister should have control over.
I've been trying to see this from your sister's point of view to get a possible explanation for all the lying. And to be honest, I'm wondering if your mother is partly to blame for this. (I know, I know, I'm not there, I don't know the people involved, but hear me out.) In giving your sister deadlines and making a huge hugh-and-cry about her daughter being gay, she's made your sister very uncomfortable, which is possibly why your sister is spending so much time with her (presumably loving, supporting and more importantly, understanding) girlfriend.
As to the issue of lying about where she was going when your grandparents were about
Another reason for your mother's unease you might want to consider is that because she is gay, it is possible that your sister will never have any biological offspring (which for any parent is a HUGE issue!) Whilst I agree that career and discrimination areissues, they will not stop your sister being gay any more than the 'glass ceiling' stops modern career-going women female!
The good news, Crystal, is that time heals all wounds, and although there are a few bumps right now, it sounds like once your parents get to grips with your sister being gay things will settle down and the lying will stop.
More importantly, I hope that you are O.K..... there's no manual on how to cope with a sibling coming out.
Then again, I'm straight... what do I know about coming out as a lesbian!!!
I don't know things from his perspective (though from mine, I keep my own sexuality secret), but there was a time when he did have a boyfriend who was in his thirtiies and he was about fifteen :yuck: which to me is pretty vile.
I'd imagine it being difficult for your parents because of the generation gap?
As for yourself, Christmas may have been awful but you keep your head high. I mean when people get together for relationships they want time alone and sometimes they do appear to be neglecting others. From what I understand of single sex relationships they're a lot closer and a lot more involving, or that's what people tell me and maybe she's in love.
And discrimination... it's illegal to discriminate against somebody for their sexuality and homosexuality/bisexuality is becoming increasingly acceptable. Heck, I was down the gay village in manchester the other day. Never felt so safe in my life!