I cheated on my girlfriend! :-(

Former Member

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 4 months now. She has been the best girlfriend to date, and my longest relationship (before my longest relationship was about 3 months). I'm really happy with her personality and looks, there's just one thing that's scary about her attitude: She's way too full on.

She asked if she could move in with me after knowing me for just a few weeks. She is with me every moment of every day, and gets upset if she can't see me all the time. I'm afraid of that sort of commitment. Also being with somebody all the time gets boring. I think everyone needs some time alone and apart from their partner, it also makes the time with the partner more special.

I tried to tell my girlfriend about this problem, but I put it very mildly because I didn't want to upset her. I obviously put it too mildly because she left me alone so I could do some work for one night and then it was back to normal, with me feeling stressed but unable to say anything.

Then one night a couple of weeks ago, me and my girlfriend are both very very drunk. We went to a club we go to most Saturday nights, and we don't remember much after getting in the doors. I remember waking up in someone else's bed though! (When my shock/hangover subsided, I vaguely remembered that I'd kissed this girl but not had sex).

I've never cheated on anyone before, so I was confused but I thought the right thing to do would be to tell my girlfriend the truth. But I couldn't even tell her that I needed some space, telling her I'd cheated would devastate her (she gets upset real easy). So I lied, very well too, and got away with it without her suspecting a thing (she even picked me up and drove me home from the other girls house without realising what had happened).

Whilst I am a good liar on the spot, my girlfriend can spot theres something wrong over time. Since that event, I have become colder because I can't look her in the eye anymore. I'm also still in contact with the other girl, who I can't tell to go away because I don't want to hurt her feelings either. I don't wanna tell her it was a big mistake cos that's insulting and she'd feel used. The other girl knows my girlfriend, and my girlfriend knows that the other girl has liked me for ages. I also like the other girl, but not as much as my girlfriend. She's just new as opposed to my girlfriend who is lovely but has become boring.

So all I gotta do is confess the truth, then perhaps she'll dump me, or perhaps I should dump her cos I'm no good to her and bored anyway, or perhaps I should have split up with her when I'd felt pressured before and none of this had happened, right? So just got to tell her... yeh right! It's Valentines day soon, and shortly afterwards my birthday. She's even told me that she's already bought me presents for both. I'm wondering if she really knows what's going on and she's just told me that so I can't dump her for a while longer. There's no way I can tell her at this point in time.

Which leaves the option of carrying on as if I were happy and pretending we're blissfully in love (as I can tell she really wants). More looking her in the eye. More feeling guilty. Even more pain when we do eventually break up.

Please, please, does anyone know how I can even begin to approach my girlfriend, and when? I haven't slept for days because I feel so guilty and I'm so scared of hurting her. If we did split up, I would want us still to be really good friends. If I'm honest, I'm still immature and want to have fun with other people first, before I get tied down with her and we start living together. It's selfish, but it's the truth, it's how I feel, but unfortunately she's gotta deal with it. What should I do!?

Former Member

Oh dear. :no:

Well to start with, tell this other girl you're not interested. You need to delete her from the equation because otherwise things get too complicated. DOn't string her along just because you're afraid of hurting her - that's cowardly - you're just going to hurt her even more at a later stage when she finds out that it really never meant anything (and trust me, she will find out somehow).

Then... the deal with your girlfriend. More difficult, but again you just have to be really honest. At the end of the day, as you pointed out yourself it's going to be harder the longer you leave it. I think all you can do really is end it now - tell her you want to stay friends (but only if you really mean it) but don't expect her to be too friendly to you at first. Do it now, before your birthday, or she'll think you were just using her and staying in it to get the presents.

For all it's worth, I think you're better off away from both these girls - you don't sound like the kind of person who can deal with an intense/suffocating relationship, and that's not selfish at all. Of course you want to play around for a while before moving in with someone! It's only natural. So play around, have fun, and then maybe some other time you'll meet a girl who's better for you and less clingy.

Former Member

perfect day summed up pretty much everything i was gonna say. i can relate to your problem, as the same happened to me with an ex - for some reason i get scared of commitment+i feel that while you're young, you may as well have fun. there's very few ppl i know that would be ready for such a clingy relationship, especially her asking to move in after just a few weeks.

you may end up hurting both these girls, but in the end if your clear+honest then you should hopefully be able to keep this girl as your friend.

as for the other girl, dont worry too much about her, at the time you cheated on your girl with her, you were very drunk (sorry if that sounds cold, but ppl do wierd things when they're drunk)

let us know how it goes, and good luck

Former Member

I cant say that i really see the problem. Sorry to sound harsh but you say that you are bored with the girl, that you arnt ready for the relationship, you also say that you can easily lie to her. As i see it you appear to be in a relationship that a you arnt ready for and that b you cant cope with. if you are bored with the relationship then why stay in it? in the end it will only mean more heartbreak for both you and your girlfriend in the long run. you also mention that you can lie easily to her. If the case was that you really loved her, i doubt that lying to her would be quite so easy.

As for the second girl. by not telling her that yo dont want a relationship with her you are leading her on which is not fair wether the reason is to spare her fealings or not, again im sure this will only hurt more in the long run. Also as you say she knows your girlfriend shenust know that you are still together and therefore be expecting to be let down anyway.

Basically my advice is o be honest to both girls as it will create the least problems in the long run and looks like the most likely option where your girlfriend will still want to be friends.

Former Member

"What Should I do?"

Well, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that from the sound of it this was inevetable. It just wasn't going to work.

The bad news is that ending it is going to be an extreemly painful moment for her, and there is no way of avoiding it... No matter what you say or where you say it, she *is* going to get hurt, and the sooner you do it the less painful it will be.

As a footnote, it is unsurprising that your girlfriend didn't see that you needed space. People see what they want to see, and my guess is that you could write it on a flaming 100 foot high banner, and she still wouldn't notice. (I have been on both sides of that one!)

So, Here's Dr Smith's Guide to non-weasely dumping-101

WHERE?:
Meet her face to face somewhere neutral (but private!!!!) so you can walk away after you are done and come clean with it.

WHEN?:
As soon as possible.

HOW????:
Tell her that you want to break up and tell her why... you feel claustrophobic and don't think it's going to work out. Don't give her any false hopes that this breaking up is a passing thing and you might get back together, be straight, and direct.

Whatever you say, FOR GODS SAKE DON'T sight the reason for the breakup as this other girl!

As to telling her about this other girl, well, after you have dumped her it becomes somewhat of a moot point. However your Girlfriend knows this other girl, and therefore *WILL* find out about it sooner or later, and is much better coming straight from you.

As to Valentines day, well, everyone makes excuses as to why they shouldn't do difficult things... It's Valentines Day, It's your Birthday, It's the Fifteenth Wednesday after Pentacost. There is NEVER a good time to break up, and there is NEVER an easy pain free way either.

When you have finished dropping your bombs, the best thing to do is to get out of the blast radius as soon as possible.

Some obvious Don'ts:
Dont:
*Dump her over the internet
*Tell her the story of this other girl in gory detail. "I kissed **** when I was drunk and passed out on her bed but it didn't go farther than that." is enough for the first go around.
*Go straight to this other girl and have sex
*Give in to the tears of your (soon to be ex) girlfriend, make up and have sex with her either (hence the neutral place)

After you have done this, give her space..... LOTS of space. It is going to take several months for the dust to settle, so just keep in mind that just the sight of you will be very painful.

Good luck mate, let us know how it turns out.

Former Member

thanks

Thanks for your advice everyone. I know I'm partly a coward for not telling her, but also I really don't want to hurt her.

I have to clarify something Mel-H, lying to my girlfriend was NOT easy, it was the hardest thing ever, my heart was pumping, I was really scared, and it was the first time I'd lied to her too. I just happen to be good at lying and even if she did suspect me, I think she'd convince herself I was honest and perfect just because she badly wants to beleive thats how it is.

I also didn't mention something about the other girl, is that last Saturday (in the same club as usual, where I met them both), after she saw me kissing my girlfriend, she sent me a text saying I shouldn't have done that in front of her, and that she's gonna get drugged up to be happy instead. After that she was very ill and her friend who took the pills with her ended up in hospital. So she's emotionally blackmailing me.

I had a chat to my girlfriend about living arrangements (which was the thing that freaked me out the most) and she said that the reality is she won't be able to live with me, and is going to have to move back to her parents in summer. So that has made me feel a bit better. I was just scared that moving in would lead to wedding bells and kids and other scary stuff that I'd like to do when I'm about 30 (I'm 19 now, she's 21). Now I think it might be possible to salvage the relationship if she stops pressuring me.

I'm going to do the cowardly thing and keep smiling thru Vday and Bday. I used to hate Valentine's day because I was always single, but now I know it can also be quite stressful if you're not single. Choosing a present today was really hard!

Perhaps other problems have led me to stress out and take it out on my girlfriend. I'm behind in my work at uni, and I can't afford the next 2 months rent. Maybe if I can relax and begin to remember why I fell for my girlfriend in the first place, everything will work out.

As for the other girl, I'm going to have to tell her to stop messaging me, and if she wastes herself on drugs, then it's not my fault, she must have had some deeper problems before she met me. I wanted to take care of her because she needs some care, but her other friends will have to do that, not me.

Once again thanks everyone, I always try to give a bit back, so I will look around some other posts and see if I can help someone else out in return.

Former Member

NO! NO! NO!:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

The other girl is going to psycho on you and is going to tell your girlfriend!

If you don't tell her NOW (And RIGHT NOW) you will end up regretting it in the long run when it makes your current situation seem like a picnic!

I wish I could make you see this before it's too late! :crazyeyes

Former Member

I can't help feeling that you left it a little late in the game (valentines eve) to think about this... I know there is never a good time to leave someone, but valentines day does have to be the absolute worst day. Trust me, I left someone on valentines day 5 years ago, and I've been feeling guilty ever since

Former Member

Originally posted by dr_smith
NO! NO! NO!:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

The other girl is going to psycho on you and is going to tell your girlfriend!

If you don't tell her NOW (And RIGHT NOW) you will end up regretting it in the long run when it makes your current situation seem like a picnic!

I wish I could make you see this before it's too late! :crazyeyes

Yep. You can't just not tell her, it's not fair.

Former Member

Re: I cheated on my girlfriend! :-(

Originally posted by bob84
1)I remember waking up in someone else's bed though! (When my shock/hangover subsided, I vaguely remembered that I'd kissed this girl but not had sex).

2)So I lied, very well too, and got away with it without her suspecting a thing

3)Whilst I am a good liar on the spot,

4)I don't wanna tell her it was a big mistake cos that's insulting and she'd feel used.

5)It's Valentines day soon, and shortly afterwards my birthday.

okay...im sorry, but you are a complete moron. Yes, mistakes do happen, but please...just fucking tell her and quit being such a bloody asshole about it. Is it any wonder you are feeling guilty? My sympathy is limited :no:

1)that is a prickish thing to do. Cheating is, in my opinion, lame, selfish, and just plain wrong

2)you sound proud of being such a good liar. Oh, and lying isnt exactly a good thing in a relationship

3)still proud

4)it was a big mistake though. Or it should have been. You were A)drunk, and B)not single... A+B=big fat mistake

5)Valentines day? Ok, maybe you're trying to save her feelings there, fair play, but YOUR birthday? Get over yourself. How fucking selfish. And if its the prebought gifts you are worried about, im sure she has kept the receipts.

Anyways...im sure ill get nailed for "not being helpful" or whatever, but I have no time for cheaters. And dude, I dont know you, but you should like a selfish asshole who is stringing a girl, who obvoiusly thinks the world of you, along. Tell her, come clean, be fair. It will hurt, but its only right.

Former Member

Re: thanks

Originally posted by bob84

I'm going to do the cowardly thing and keep smiling thru Vday and Bday.

I used to hate Valentine's day because I was always single, but now I know it can also be quite stressful if you're not single. Choosing a present today was really hard!

yep...you said it...you are a coward. :impissed:

oh, and poor thing...it's must be such a bitch having someone on Valentine's Day :yeees: