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Friend's Girlfriend Dilemma
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi folks.
Here’s a little problem I need to sort out.
I’ve known a mate of mine for about 2 years now and now we’re at different colleges. He stayed on at school sixth form and I went to a different one. Were both in 2nd year now. During the last years of school he actually let it slip that he had a gf. I was quite shocked because he had never mentioned it to anyone and I found out later that he hadn’t introduced her to anyone.
Las April I was on a break at work when I saw him a girl next to him. After he said he would introduce us but never did I knew this was her. Me and her got chatting and we got on from the start. He obviously didn’t like it and couldn’t understand that a lad and a girl can be friends even if they’re in relationships.
They’ve both stayed at mine a few times from then on and I work with some people from her school, (she’s in 1st yr of school 6th form) and I actually found out that she’d told someone that she fancied me. I just ignored it at first but then I was hearing it quite frequently, not from her, from other people and then knew for a fact that she did due to things she’s said to me “you’re gorgeous, make me laugh all the time”. Then she wanted me to help her organise a surprise 18th for him, I did and it all went well.
During the party however, me and her got really close. I don’t know whether it was just flirtation but we were hugging, holding hands, she started tickling me and this was in front of him. He got a bit annoyed and had a go at her saying that I fancied her. He never said it to me, just to her. I told her by txt I didn’t like her that way but deep down I just realised I did. When we talk now on the phone, she can be upset and I always manage to cheer her up, We can talk for ages about rubbish but we enjoy it. But I really don’t want to fancy her. I don’t know whether she still fancies me or not, but for someone who tells u secrets that he doesn’t know about and incidents, then u wud see urself as pretty close for the mate of the bf, wouldn’t u think. She said in MSN once that if she was single she would definitely go for me and ends her txts or mails with “luv u” or summat like that, but the problem with MSN is u cant tell if its serious or not.
Help me people plz
Here’s a little problem I need to sort out.
I’ve known a mate of mine for about 2 years now and now we’re at different colleges. He stayed on at school sixth form and I went to a different one. Were both in 2nd year now. During the last years of school he actually let it slip that he had a gf. I was quite shocked because he had never mentioned it to anyone and I found out later that he hadn’t introduced her to anyone.
Las April I was on a break at work when I saw him a girl next to him. After he said he would introduce us but never did I knew this was her. Me and her got chatting and we got on from the start. He obviously didn’t like it and couldn’t understand that a lad and a girl can be friends even if they’re in relationships.
They’ve both stayed at mine a few times from then on and I work with some people from her school, (she’s in 1st yr of school 6th form) and I actually found out that she’d told someone that she fancied me. I just ignored it at first but then I was hearing it quite frequently, not from her, from other people and then knew for a fact that she did due to things she’s said to me “you’re gorgeous, make me laugh all the time”. Then she wanted me to help her organise a surprise 18th for him, I did and it all went well.
During the party however, me and her got really close. I don’t know whether it was just flirtation but we were hugging, holding hands, she started tickling me and this was in front of him. He got a bit annoyed and had a go at her saying that I fancied her. He never said it to me, just to her. I told her by txt I didn’t like her that way but deep down I just realised I did. When we talk now on the phone, she can be upset and I always manage to cheer her up, We can talk for ages about rubbish but we enjoy it. But I really don’t want to fancy her. I don’t know whether she still fancies me or not, but for someone who tells u secrets that he doesn’t know about and incidents, then u wud see urself as pretty close for the mate of the bf, wouldn’t u think. She said in MSN once that if she was single she would definitely go for me and ends her txts or mails with “luv u” or summat like that, but the problem with MSN is u cant tell if its serious or not.
Help me people plz
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Comments
He was right though wasn't he...in this case you can't just be friends.
Well when I said that he should realise that lads n girls can be mates, I didn't fancy her in the slightest, I barely knew her.
If I was to ignore what she is doing and control my feelings that would mean not being in as much contact with her and thats the last thing I want to do. Him and her live fairly close and I don't live anywhere near em, so I keep in touch with her by talking on the phone or thru email.
When they were round at my house for a little party, he was begin Mr Mature for some reason and she was being the opposite, getting drunk and having a laugh which is what I wanted everyone to do. She told me that he had a go at her the next day saying she embarrassed him in front of me. If i was to be honest he was embarrassing himself not joining in. My friends said afterwards that they were a crap match as they were completely different, but that aint for me to say.
Another thing is that when we've talked on the phone, she's told me a lot of stuff that he doesn't know about such as previous people before they met and how she keeps in touch with some of em. She also told me an incident which happened at her workplace when a guy made a pass at her. She told her bf and he said if it happened again they were finished. He doesn't know however that she told me as well and If i mentioned it to him it wud be a definite split up but I'm not stupid enough to do that.
What I don't like is that people see it as her being my mate's gf when now I really see her as my friend and definitely one of my best friends and she's said the same to me. Surprisingly I talk to her now alot more than I do with him. That isnt due to how I feel, it's just that I can have more of a giggle with her.
you say that she flirts which is bad for their relationship.
The thing is that when she did flirt with me I always did it back becuase I wanted to have a laugh and i didn't think it would do anyone any harm. the problem is that the recent times when we've flirted, it's felt a lot different and I've thought things like "if only i could kiss you right now" and silly things like that. I think her mate has said that she fancies me as well, she was bragging about me to her mate and her mate thought it was actually her who wanted me.
Wot can u say to this folks?
she's obviously with him for a reason, no matter what she said about you, i think you should leave them to get on with it, there are plenty more fish in the sea, forget about her.
i agree completely, if she liked you as much as you say, she would have finsihed with your mate by now, but she is still with him, not you, so if you want to remain friends with both of these people, i think you should forget your feelings and find your own girlfriend.
Well heres an update on the love triangle.
Last week I was texting her mate and she said that the girl was feeling upset because she couldn't talk to me as much as she wanted. I was a bit confused so i sent the girl a txt asking wot was wrong. That night i was out on the piss and i got a reply tellin me to read my email and plz dont be upset because i will hate her. I got home very drunk but not tired so i read it. This probably wasnt the best thing to do seeing as u can get angry quickle when ur drunk. Basicaly she was saying that me n her got to cut down on the talking cos he was getting anonyed. I knew for a fact that this isnt her words, there his and he isnt man enuff to talk to me about it so instead he has a go at her. I sent one back saying that i was upset about it and said that the reason me n her r better mates than me n him is because i know o can have a laff with her,
I've lost count of the other mates ive asked for advice. every one of em says that i avent done anything wrong its him with the personality problem and the paranoia. So wot if i fancy her? im not going to act upon it. I've never told any of them that i fancy her but i know she knows it mentally and i know mentally she stil fancies me. She tries to be brave on the messenger telling me al load of crap like "its so nice when someone kisses u softly" i know wot shes doing, she's trying to get me to dislike her and therefore stop talking to her, which is summat she doesnt want to do cos everytime she says sorry. I ask her to come to my birthday do and she says i gotta ask him and she said shes sorry its come out like this i said i was sorry to cos its doing my head in. She says she really likes me alot and really wants to come.
Words like this have got to suggest that their relationship is going downhill and im not going anywhere just to save their relationship, thats up to them. If i'm supposed to be his mate he can either trust me or lose me and so far its looking like the second choice. As a friend i know i love her and im not gunna let anything stop that. Him being the boyfriend has nothing to do with our friendship.
Wot do the people think?
If he's your mate then can't they both come to your birthday thing? Maybe you should spend more time with both of them and make a real effort not to flirt with her at all so that he sees he can trust you?
Hope you get it sorted soon.
LSS
Sometimes one needs to be selfish to be happy, awful as it sounds. An acquainatnce of mine left her bf and went with his mate, and two years down the line they're in domestic bliss.
I guess it all depends on what you value more- a chance with this girl, if there is one available, or your friendship. Girls do come and go, of course, but do you like her so much that you would regret not having a go for the rest of your life?
Just be careful not to get caught in the middle and losing both:)
I was in the exact same situation, but I was the girl (obviously) and I didn't have the guts to finish with my boyfriend for his mate even though I really liked him. However, my boyfriend and I did break up a few months later and I got together with his mate. We had a fantastic relationship which lasted a year and a half and even though it's just come to an end I still think he was my first love. So it can all work out. Just be careful.
It's hard to advise when we don't know her side of the story, especially whether she's truly happy with him or not. But it'll work out eventually, somehow. Just keep your options open and don't pass up the opportunity of meeting other girls because of your feelings for this one.
I'm not so sure- even if she didn't want to stay with her bf, I doubt she'd exactly throw herself at his best mate without a sensible gap. Especially if he's quite domineering and paranoid, which he sounds.
I guess that's what I was trying to stay. Don't force the issue because you will be the one left outside in the rain afterwards.
You say that I should cut down on the flirting, even though it isn me who really starts it all. And even if it is her who starts it, why should I try and stop it for the satisfaction of a lad who doesnt trust me? I enjoy flirting with her because I know that now (and I'm not referring to the future) it means nothing but at the same time keeps mine and her friendship alive. If he takes it too seriously despite the fact that I've reassured him more than once then its his problem and it's out of my hands.What does disgust me is that he'd rather have a go at her about it and talk to me as normal thinking she hasn't told me about the arguments they have. Ironically since I met her their relationship has never been the same but Im speaking for everyone here. Im not the reason. The reason is that he's kept her locked away. metaphorically speaking from all his mates, I was the first mate of his to meet her and that was by accident. The other thing is shes in a job at wkends so shes working with other lads having a laff with them. I told her once that she shouldnt guarantee at this stage that she's gunna be with the same guy all her life cos its'pretty slim, especially with her in a yr below me n him and him going south to cambridge in september ( we live in manchester).
So in the end, I've done nothing wrong and I think if things continue im gunna av to tell her to stand up for herself and deal with situations in the way to please her and not him or anybody else.
wot u think?
And yes she does have to think about herself too, but in a relationship you have to be a little flexible to the other person's needs, so if she really cares about him she'll be prepared to make sacrifices for him. That's not saying she should cut you off completely, for his sake, but if she wants to reassure him then she needs to make him see she's putting him before you.
So he should definitely trust me. like i said i've been thru this with him more than once and he stil wont shut up about it. I just simply think that he just cant accept that me n her are close friends and we've said to each other we are more or less best friends and although it may sounds horrible I'm not changing my ways just to please him and annoy me.
You say that we're not exactly mates anymore. Well if he had actually talked to me about these problems rather than aving a go at her and when we do chat acting like i wont know about it (thinking she wudnt have told me- i know quite a lot of stuff about he that he doesnt know about and stuff that he thought he was the only one who knew about it). Because of that all I have is contempt for him. he doesnt know that me n her have talked about this thing and shes told me not to tell him altho i think i may av to jus to shut him up.
wot u think?
you're on about him not trusting you but have you actually read your original post
you might not have went as far as kissing but you AND her are totally out of order! you were hugging, holding hands and tickling each other in front of him! i wouldnt trust you either. i think if you have feelings for her you should leave well alone and try to get over it. think how you would feel if it was your girlfriend and your friend acting like this
Another guy who i work with ended up slapping her arse at a party, nothing nasty, just a laff and him n her started flirting and yet he seems to be more annoyed at me. So i'll ask u sugar who is the guilty one here. u may say her. If thats the case then u may ask me why im after her. At the moment, im not after her, Im after keeping our friendship to how it was with nobody being so concerned.
Nobody can deny that their relationship is not going well in any way. And i know im not the reason for it. Its just life and different things that can happen, to get with someone and to think u got ur partner for life at 16 yrs of age is just stupid.
it's rarely worth it. for starters i got duped- totally lied to, and almost lost one of my best friends becoz of it.
have you tried talkin to your mate again? kinda difficult tho without gettin her into trouble...
however the point i'd like to make is how much can you trust her? flirting like this can easily lead onto stuff- if the two of you go out, mayb she might end up doin the same to you?
although, she does seem very trapped in this relationship...but on the other hand she does seem to like him lots :eek2:
Well I could be wrong and she may just be a complete flirt with a lot of lads. Although it does make you wonder when she tells people I work with that she fancies me and whenever they argue I always seem to be one of the reasons they argue ( which I hate). I suppose deep down I really want to be with her but at this stage its prety unlikely that will happen. In Spetember he goes off to uni and I know he's chosen his education over his girlfriend because he hasn't chosen one university that is near to where we live and she's telling me to stay in Manchester so we can keep in touch. The question is that will me and get get together when he's left because their relationship is a bit of a mess at the moment and when he's in his 1st year at Cambridge and she's got another year at college left, one would say that its quite likely they will have to finish. I'm not in any way waiting for that moment to arrive because its more likely that I would have moved on also.
In reality I want things to be as they were with me and her being close again. If he doesn't like that then its too bad. She rarely replies my texts now so I really don't see what she's trying to prove. She isnt this kind of person, I know she isnt. I asked her if she was comming to my 18th and she said I would have to ask him ( like she can't make her own mind up) she said she was sorry its ended up like this and she knows I'm annoyed and I know that her decision to cut down on our talking has not improved the friendship between me and him, if its done anything, its made it worse. This wasn't her decision. He's mentally forced her into it and not bothered talking to me which disgusts me even more.
She said she really likes me a lot and really wants to come to my 18th. I asked him thru a text and he said that they should be able to come but I know one of 2 things will happen.
Either
He will say about a day b4 the party he cant make it ( like he's done the last 2 times when I've invited him somewhere)
or
They will start arguing on the night and I will have no choice but to say something and possibly say it to his face that I fancy her but am not stupid enuff to act upon it.
wot do people think?
You keep mentioning the problems they're having in their relationship, but whether or not that's caused by you, it's THEIR problems and you can't use that as ammunition here. Yes they may be having problems but it's up to them to sort that out, one way or another, and if you're seen to be encouraging her to break up with him or to have fights with him then you're going to lose a friend.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I just think this situation could go so wrong for all three of you. I still think you could have a chance with her but you have to be patient and wait until their relationship comes to an end AND until they both have time to get over it. You say you just want friendship with her but at the end of the day that's not all you want, you want to be as close to her as possible without actually having any sort of sexual contact to feel guilty about.
Me and him really stopped being good mates when I changed sixth form. Me and him ( when I say me and him i mean Myself) keep in touch over the phone, email and occasionally meeting up. And from another perception he's asking for these arguments by offering to bring her along. Obviously now Im always upset when I dont see her but at least if we meet up for a drink or summat and he's not with her, theres no excuse for them arguing.
I spoke to my friends and they said basically my relationship with him is kinda messed up alredy and thats to do with him. If i look at it one way I'm the guy whos trying to keep mine and his friendship alive, he doesn't seem arsed in any way. I ring him, i email him and I tell him to ring me but he never does. So he doesn't really seem that bothered about me and to act like we are still good mates after all this which has been happening, I think that is exceedingly stupid.
Yeh you're right, deep down I want to be with her and I want to be closer but then you have to start looking at reality and ask what are the chances of that at this stage? Later on possibly but not now, and even if it was later it would have to be natural and whilse she's not with anyone because Im not the type of guy who goes round nicking taken women, If i was I would have made a move on her ages ago.
However me and her being really close as friends is possible and it's been done until these last few weeks when he's got the hump over nothing. I know she hates him being like this and I hate him being like this.
Wot do u say to that?
hi , wel heres an update on the story and this is really perplexing now.
I: was talking to her on the MSN on saturday and we were chattin about Newcastle cos her mum lives up there and she was saying how she didnt like the place . Then out of nowhere she said
Me and ( bf) wer having sex most of the time so it was pretty good.
Why the hell did she say that?
She said sorry straight afterwards and i said "dont tek it personal but wot u and him do, im not interested in, it means nothing to me. she said she knew and i stopped talking to her that night.
She sent me an email 2day sayin that she was sorry if she offended me the other night and said she was only joking. After reading that I lost my rag and just replied saying.
"Dont say u wer joking, u wernt, people dont joke about things like that, understand that i dont want to know about ur sex life, it doesnt interest me in the slightest. Youve said things like this before and its been completely irrelevant to the conversation. It can make people feel empty and can wind people up, but after that comment u made, I really felt as tho i didnt know u at all.Thats not u to say summat like that. If ive offended u im sorry but im telling u how i feel now and i think u'd appreciate me getting this off my chest rather than holding it in all the time.
Wot i hate is that we can have a good conversation and that puts it all back down again. I really have lost some of my feelings for her now and I don't know whether that was her plan or not.
U guys think i said the right thing?
hi guys, wells heres the update.
I ended up sending her an email about a week an a half ago just expressing myself at the things she had said saying that she was winding me up and I felt as though I didnt' know her anymore. As much as it may sound awful, it worked because she's back to her old jolly self now.
I met up with her the sunday just gone on my break at work and we had a nice chat, but when I brought up the name of her mate who i'd got friendly with, she said "dont talk about her" i thought she was jus joking but then she almost started crying. I felt awful. she said she was sorry about how she was acting. I held her hand for a while and tried to cheer her up, she held my hand back and smiled at me.
Then when i was about to go, we had a hug, but i could tell it wasn't just some friendly hug that we normally have,it meant a lot more, this one. it was definitely the closest we've ever been. I saw she was stil a bit upset, i told her I wasn't going to let her go like that but she said she was ok.
I talked to my mates about it and the weird thing is that when I was holding her hand, my stomach turned and I couldn't finish my dinner. They said that I'm in love with her and I'm begining to think the same. Not saying I love her, jus Im in love with her.It's definitely not a crush definitely not lust.
I sent her an email yesterday asking if she was feeling better and I asked her wot the actual problem was. I talked to her later on MSN and she saids she couldn't tell me because it wud end friendships, I asked if she meant me n her and she said yes but she didnt' want to tell me because of the consequences. My mate suggested that she was jealous of me and her mate talking which would suggest possibly that she still has feelings for me or even feels the same way. This is really keeping me in suspense now and she's away with him for this weekend but we've arranged to meet up again the next weekend and I really want her to tel me and I also want to tell her how I feel now. I've kept it inside me for so long and its painful. I don't know how she'll react but she has to know, and I have to get it off my chest. My mates have said that I need to think of myself sometimes before other people and I was talking to her about expressing feelings and not holding them in, This is by far the best example I can give.
What do people think about this?