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Self Esteem & Relationships

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
I was chatting with a friend this evening about self esteem problems, and the point I made was that in my opinion a sufferer of a self esteem problem is far more likely to be a people pleaser, than someone who is not.

I know for someone with 0 Selft Esteem I am always trying to please friends and aquiantences, buying rounds in the pub, splashing cigarettes just to feel wanted, needed and liked.

What do you think ?
~ If you can see the beauty of whatyou aspire to, it doesn't matter if you achieve it all. Simply to aspire is no mean achievement ~

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with you as a person with low self esteem I try very hard to please others friens family even strangers I just want every one to like me so i never start a fight with anyone even if i'm truely pissed and I go out of my way to do stuff for people even if i really don't want to. basically if everyone is happy because i've done something for them i feel better even if i'm screwing my self.

    now the messed up part if i knoow i do all this stuff then y do i keep doing it?
    I wish someone could tell me
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My situ is a bit different to yours but here goes.....

    I don't know what i am really, when i lived with my ex, i wouldn't hesitate to start a row, and tell him to change or i'll leave, and that his mum was this and his brother was that, and he always sponged off his dad, but this isn't about why i left him, so we'll leave it there!!!! lol

    But with my new boyf there are a list of things i want to have out with him, that would cause i huge row, but i just can't do it. I don't know if its because he is 8 years older than me were my ex was a bit younger therefore i felt more superior to him. Or if its because i know now that all that shouting i did before didn't get me anywhere, so i may as well shut up and get on with it.

    I thought that me ex gave me confidence to stand up for myself, but now its all gone out of the window, and i'm sweet innocent mandy again, who will do anything just to keep the peace!! I'm not the worlds most confident person, god i wish i was.

    Somewhere inside me there is alot of anger boiling up, but i just can't get it to come out.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes, thats me all over. But i only do it to certain people, people that i like. I wont go out of my way to please people that are horrible to me. I'm ashamed to say i do it with popular people too <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/redface.gif"&gt; even though i used to be quite popular, when i found out most of them were nasty and i kind of left, i still do it, i don't know why. to get some kind of recognition i spose and to feel wanted like you sed, even if u don't like the people its still nice to feel wanted.

    im talking rubbish again <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt;
    There's a girl in my mirror
    I wonder who she is
    Sometimes I think I know her
    Sometimes I really wish I did
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IMHO some people with low self esteem push people away, either because they don't think they are worthy of the attention, or because thay are testing the person to see if they are really liked/loved. They go on self destruct & each relationship follows.

    Then there are those people who do everything they can to make the other person like/love them. They become chameleons changing themselves to fit in with what they think the other person wants.

    Both types are on the slipery slope to loneliness. Sorry to be blunt but I've been there.

    Until I met my husband I thought I loved every guy I went out with & I did my damndest to make sure they loved me, I was usually successful, but I was still lonely until I met my current husband. He helped me to become me (although he didn't even realise it lol).

    The unfortunate upshot of this, is that for the first time in my life I know that I would be quite comfortable living on my own lol. I guess I should stay though cos I'm OK here too <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    j9
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    Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    Originally posted by j9j9:
    The unfortunate upshot of this, is that for the first time in my life I know that I would be quite comfortable living on my own lol. I guess I should stay though cos I'm OK here too <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    lol j9 thats quite funny in a weird kind of way...!

    i know a few people with low self esteem... and i think you're right j9 about the two types of behaviour they fall into.

    i know someone who on the outside doesnt appear to have a problem, and tries his hardest to make everyone like him, whether he admits to it or not. and when stuff isnt centred around him, he gets funny and upset and then thats when arguments happen. and if he thinks he's upset or hurt anyone he tries to push them away, let them out of the friendship the easy way he thinks, so he cant hurt them anymore. and he thinks everything slightly wrong he does is cause for me and everyone to start hating him.

    and i know someone else who thinks they're not worthy of my friendship or anything and cant understand how anyone would like them and thinks they dont deserve me and i can do better, etc. they dont seem to do everyting to please others though, quite the opposite.

    so i guess either types of these behaviours are just as common.
    Burn baby burn!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by j9j9:
    IMHO some people with low self esteem push people away, either because they don't think they are worthy of the attention, or because thay are testing the person to see if they are really liked/loved. They go on self destruct & each relationship follows.

    Then there are those people who do everything they can to make the other person like/love them. They become chameleons changing themselves to fit in with what they think the other person wants.

    j9

    I can completely see where your comin from j9, i been there soooo many times before. i would say that low self esteem also leads to paranioa, which leads to insecurity, which can often mean the end of a relationship.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I'm in a relationship I guess I must be really difficult because I do push people, to see how much they like or love me. I suppose its because I don't like myself, so I don't see how they can like me either, and I need to prove to myself that they actually do like me. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt; thats kinda sad isnt it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by ElisaKate:
    When I'm in a relationship I guess I must be really difficult because I do push people, to see how much they like or love me. I suppose its because I don't like myself, so I don't see how they can like me either, and I need to prove to myself that they actually do like me. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt; thats kinda sad isnt it.


    well i do exactly the same thing so i must b sad too !! lol <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
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    Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    Originally posted by ElisaKate:
    <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt; thats kinda sad isnt it.

    i think its sad that anyone doesnt like themselves but i know a hell of a lot of people dont. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;


    Burn baby burn!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's a sad reflection on what a cruddy society we live in this day and age. I mean we can put a man on the moon, talk to another the other side of the world without hearing their voice, but still the growth in self esteem and confidence problem grows.

    LUK
    ~ If you can see the beauty of whatyou aspire to, it doesn't matter if you achieve it all. Simply to aspire is no mean achievement ~
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow we are just depressing the sh** out of each other now. y is everyone like this
    well

    DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    saying that helps me i don't know y but it does
    I'm like a bird I'll only fly away. I don't know where my home is, I don't know where my soul is.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kitty_Meowing:
    DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    saying that helps me i don't know y but it does


    Doesn't help me! Isn't that what that bloody fishy thing sings? Grrrrr I hate those things! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/mad.gif"&gt; <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;
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