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If only tears were laughter

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been doing a lot of retrospective thinking over the last few days,
perhaps my mind is ready to shut down, but I digress. I recalled something
my sister told me about 3 years ago during my last bout of serious
depression.

My sis who is 6 years older than me admitted to me that she was abused by
the same perpertrator that violated myself ( as I understand it he stopped
abusing my sister and his own sister to move on to me). I can't help but
feel totally let down by my whole family. Even if my sister didn't say
anything I can not believe my parents thought I was lying, I mean how many 3
yr olds could even think of such a thing to lie about. Even now having
confronted my parents about it they say they believe me and are sorry for
not having done so then but I know deep down they refuse to believe it.

I feel so let down that there were things my family could have done, but for
some reason decided not to. I hate myself for being so selfish to blame them
especially when my sister endured the same torture herself but I can't help
myself. But what interests me is how I guess my sister and I went down
seperate ways over the years, she ends up extremely promiscuous where I end
up on a serious self distruct pattern of self harm and suicide attempts.

In addition to this all I had the most cold hearted e-mail from my girlfriend lastnight it, telling me that we were finished, that was cold enough, but the final insult was to be told she didn't love and never did. I can't believe I allowed myself this to happen after the last time she broke us up, you may remember a post by Shattered Soul which was me under the cover of anonimity. I don't know what to believe whether she truly never did love me, or that because I am in a bout so low she couldn't cope with me and my illness.

I've screwed the relationship with my bestest closest friend in the world, I'm so frightened to pick the phone up or make calls I haven't spoken to him in over 2 months <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

So the upshot is I've fucked every relationship, family, friends & the girl I loved so much I'd have given all I had. I wonder what actually is a healthy relationship and how you maintain one.

Grrrr I'm so screwed up right now I even found solace in the following lyrics...

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answers
Then we'd hear God say

the scary point is they are Boyzone lyrics... <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/eek.gif"&gt; somebody call the paddywagon.

Thanks for listening to my irational wanderings.

I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk to loud
I think it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act to proud

Comments

  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    (((((((((((((((((al))))))))))))))))

    if your gf is cold enough to write things like that to you in emails, especially right now, then shes not worth it, i know this is the standard thing to say when someone breaks up with someone else... but if she cant even pick up the courage to tell you over the phone or face to face.. and tells you that sort of thing in an email, when youre feeling like you are... then she really isnt. i mean, tehre is such a thing as sensitivity.. and it appears she doesnt possess it.

    id be inclined to think she said that because she cant cope with your illness... i understand it must be difficult for her, but there are better ways of going about it than she has!!! i dont know how she can do this to you. you so dont need this right now!!!! (((((((((((al)))))))))))

    if you dont feel able to talk to your friend on the phone.. write him a letter. its sometimes easier because they cant slam the phone down on you or walk away or anything. i know i just said your gf should have had the courage to talk to you face to face.. but its a slightly different situation here. im sure its nothing you cant fix. maybe let bygones be bygones, i hope hes mature enough to let whatever it was in the past go.

    i suppose it must be hard for your parents to accept what has happened.. do they know who it was tthat abused you? i guess it might be easier to accept it about your sister because shes female and its more generally accepted that girls are abused by men perhaps? i know thats such an outdated view... but its possible.

    i wish i could say more to help you <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt; you just have to be strong and get through this, i know you can. you still have all your friends from here who are here for you. take care al (((((((((((((al)))))))))))))


    It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burn a thousand trees
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    [So the upshot is I've fucked every relationship, family, friends & the girl I loved so much

    You have not fucked up anything, it has been screwed up for you, u are not the guilty one in all this and mustn't blame yourself. I can't believe your girlfrind ended with you when you where at your lowest and by email too, i think the least she could have done is help u get over it, not add to your problems.

    We are always here for you like GFM said, i know its kind of hard to go out for a pint and be a shoulder to cry on, but we'll do our best!

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    {{{{{{{{{Al}}}}}}}}}}}

    Well i couldn't leave without repling to this.

    I reckon it was probably such a massive thing for your parens to deal with they just couldn't cope with the idea of their next door neighbour abusing their children. It just sounds like such a tragic thing to happen to a family and to the individual. I know that if i were in ur position i would feel let down by my family, because you kind of expect them to support you in whatever you say and do. Lots of 3 year olds say silly things, but i know if i had a child, something like that would freak me out so much i would probably move house. But like in a crisis everyone deals with things in different ways, and although maybe it wasn't the best thing to do at the time, they realise the damage their decisions have had on others. They probably feel very let down with themselves too.

    As for ur sister leading a very different lifestyle to you, well again, some people deal with things in different ways and it can effect you differently.

    As for ur girlfriend, i don't really knwo what to say, what a blow that must have been. ((((al)))) it's the people you love the most that let you down the most. Your illness probably got a bit too much for her to handle, i remember when i put my friends and family and boyfriend of the time through so much stress, i expected them to support me, but you forget that sometimes they are breaking inside too. Maybe just leave it for a while and see how things go...

    And as for your friend, it is never ever ever too late to pick up the phone and say hey mate, how u doin? im sure if you get up the courage, then he will be delighted to hear from you <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    Listening to your irrational wanderings? Any time <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    I'll miss you <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    ~*~Emma~*~

    [/B][/QUOTE]



    There's a girl in my mirror
    I wonder who she is
    Sometimes I think I know her
    Sometimes I really wish I did
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know what to say Luka
    {{{{{{{Luka}}}}}}}}}
    I know that life is very difficult for you at the moment. I'm hoping against all hope that you find the strength to get through this very difficult period in your life.

    You have my respect, I don't know another person on gods earth who has had to take the shit that you have suffered.

    You are a great friend to me & for that I will be eternally gratefull to thesite.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{Luka}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Janine
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by j9:
    I don't know what to say Luka
    {{{{{{{Luka}}}}}}}}}
    I know that life is very difficult for you at the moment. I'm hoping against all hope that you find the strength to get through this very difficult period in your life.

    You have my respect, I don't know another person on gods earth who has had to take the shit that you have suffered.

    You are a great friend to me & for that I will be eternally gratefull to thesite.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{Luka}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Janine

    I agree with you Janine!!!!

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Al}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    You have my respect too cause you've helped so many people (me included) in times of need. Now its time for us all to return the generosity!!!!!

    We all love ya m8!!!! We'll all help you in any way we can to get you through this.

    Take care mate!

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Al}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    I had an IQ test. The results came back negative
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by LUKA:
    I've been doing a lot of retrospective thinking over the last few days,
    perhaps my mind is ready to shut down, but I digress. I recalled something
    my sister told me about 3 years ago during my last bout of serious
    depression.

    My sis who is 6 years older than me admitted to me that she was abused by
    the same perpertrator that violated myself ( as I understand it he stopped
    abusing my sister and his own sister to move on to me). I can't help but
    feel totally let down by my whole family. Even if my sister didn't say
    anything I can not believe my parents thought I was lying, I mean how many 3
    yr olds could even think of such a thing to lie about. Even now having
    confronted my parents about it they say they believe me and are sorry for
    not having done so then but I know deep down they refuse to believe it.

    I feel so let down that there were things my family could have done, but for
    some reason decided not to. I hate myself for being so selfish to blame them
    especially when my sister endured the same torture herself but I can't help
    myself. But what interests me is how I guess my sister and I went down
    seperate ways over the years, she ends up extremely promiscuous where I end
    up on a serious self distruct pattern of self harm and suicide attempts.

    In addition to this all I had the most cold hearted e-mail from my girlfriend lastnight it, telling me that we were finished, that was cold enough, but the final insult was to be told she didn't love and never did. I can't believe I allowed myself this to happen after the last time she broke us up, you may remember a post by Shattered Soul which was me under the cover of anonimity. I don't know what to believe whether she truly never did love me, or that because I am in a bout so low she couldn't cope with me and my illness.

    I've screwed the relationship with my bestest closest friend in the world, I'm so frightened to pick the phone up or make calls I haven't spoken to him in over 2 months <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    So the upshot is I've fucked every relationship, family, friends & the girl I loved so much I'd have given all I had. I wonder what actually is a healthy relationship and how you maintain one.

    Grrrr I'm so screwed up right now I even found solace in the following lyrics...

    If only tears were laughter
    If only night was day
    If only prayers were answers
    Then we'd hear God say

    the scary point is they are Boyzone lyrics... <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/eek.gif"&gt; somebody call the paddywagon.

    Thanks for listening to my irational wanderings.



    One thing I hate about the effects of abuse are the self blame for everything. Why do we find it neccesary to blame ourselves when it was totally down to another wanker doing what they done. U r blaming yourself for ruining every relationship Luka, and thats not right Im sure opf it. But its easy for me to say that to you, even though I sit here and do exactly the same thing myself!
    Im really sorry to hear about u and your girlfriend splitting up. I hope u stop blaming yopurself over things that aint your fault...it makes me think of an e mail I got sent the other day about relationships have a read <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">...

    Are you a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime?
    Pay attention to what you read. After you read this, you will know the reason it was sent to you!
    People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

    When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .
    It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
    Sometimes they die.
    Sometimes they walk away.
    Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
    What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

    When people come into your life for a SEASON.
    Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
    Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

    LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
    things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
    It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    lolly thats a really good email.... its made me think about a lot of the people in my life. you didnt have anything in the way of a hindrance though! thts what most people in my life are. i can pick out a few who are lifetime friends... and also a couple of reasons or maybe seasons that i was beginning to think might only be for a short time, that i had the friendship of this person... but the more i think about it and hte more that happens, the more i think theyre not going to be a lifetime person. which is quite sad. but maybe i d have to recognise that there are people you cant hold on to, who just have a purpose for that specific time in your life, and then you both move on. i just wish it wasnt so goddamned hard the thought of losing people <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burn a thousand trees
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    if tears were laughter id be the happiest person on the planet right now.

    that person seems to have been a "reason" after all. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt; i might even talk about it one day on here when im not crying so much i cant see.

    sorry for hijacking your thread al.

    It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burn a thousand trees
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