(TW for graphic content) I often experience violent revenge fantasies

bignosegirly0

I want to give a massive warning and say that the stuff I’m gonna type is going to be horrible. I’m not a morally good person. I tried to be, but deep down, I’m not. Although I don’t say most of these stuff out loud, I still think these horrible things because over the years, my constant misery has transformed into bitterness and I have very extreme thought patterns.

Before anyone asks, no, these aren’t intrusive thoughts and I’m not suffering from harm OCD. I’ve experienced intrusive thoughts and went to therapy for OCD in the past. The difference is that intrusive thoughts are randomly triggered and often, the first reaction is shock/disgust. Whereas, my violent fantasies stems from extreme anger and I use my violent fantasies as an unhealthy coping mechanism.

I also suffer from autism, which naturally makes me hypersensitive. However, I sometimes whether I have an undiscovered mental disorder. Because what I’m experiencing is definitely not normal behaviour.

Having being a bullied kid, I haven’t grown up to be a mentally stable adult. However, my constant misery has transformed into defensiveness and extreme anger. Never in any situation where someone have hurt me, they’ve experienced karma. Everyone who’s hurt me is doing better in life than I’ll ever will. They have friends, partners, great jobs and doing financially well. Meanwhile, I have nothing.

I apologise for this next paragraph, because I’m gonna sound like a child having an absolute tantrum. When I acknowledge that, I can’t help but obsess over how fucking unfair it is. Why do they deserve all the love and good things in this world, while I get nothing?

When i researched coping mechanisms for my anger issues, I watched a video where a lady who stated “anger is an emotion that stems from other uncovered emotions”. My anger definitely stems from feeling unfair, insecure, hopeless and wanting justice.

And because I have very extreme thinking, I take it to the extreme and think,

“I want to kill them / I want them to kill themselves as a punishment”

Hence, I experience graphic fantasies of those who hurt me. This includes:

•recalling memories of being bullied, but imaging an alternative ending where I kill/assault them (sometimes with a weapon)

•Having fantasies where I’m yelling at them for how they’ve ruined me as a person, leading to me killing/assaulting them.

This has been happening for around three years now. Sometimes when I’m experiencing these fantasies, I slam my fists together or throw an object.


Why am I like this? Is this a sign of any disorder I’m unaware of?

Azziman

Hey @bignosegirly0, thank you for sharing this with us here, I can hear how it's not something you say out loud normally.

From what you've said, it sounds like you've been through a lot. People have hurt you a lot, and you're still hurting. When we feel hurt and vulnerable, it's natural to become defensive to protect ourselves from further harm, though it may also mean that we approach non-threatening situations in the same way in fear of being hurt again.

That feeling of hurt might then be amplified by two things you mention - a feeling of injustice that these bullies haven't had any negative repercussions for treating you this way, and hypersensitivity (both to the pain endured, but also to that feeling of injustice). Given that, it makes sense to feel that things are unfair on you. And combining all of this, it seems reasonable that this could all manifest in a lot of frustration and anger. With these experiences, I think your feelings are valid.

That being said, there's a couple of things I should point out. Firstly, I don't think that this necessarily makes you a morally bad person. You recognise that there's a problem and are honest about that; you're able to recognise the emotions you're feeling; and you've sought help from a therapist before. These are all good things to do, but importantly, is also the harder path to take in working things out. Secondly, while these are extreme thoughts, they are being driven by valid and real emotions based on your experiences. That doesn't make the actual actions okay, but it's clear that you're hurting a lot and your feelings really do matter. Paying attention to them is not easy, but you've managed to do that enough to recognise them, which is a big step in the right direction. You deserve to have those feelings respected.

Just as this pain was caused to you over a long time, it might take some time to work through these emotions, and having support on that journey can help - both professional (e.g. therapist) and peer (e.g. friends, family, us here!). The good news is that you're already taking some good steps on that path. If you're concerned that there's another disorder going on, it's worth going to a GP to talk about it. If there is, they can help you find out what that is; if not, then they can offer support and services on how to work through this pain you're feeling.

Speaking to a therapist again might also help you to work through these emotions you're feeling, in a dedicated space where they can listen to you. And of course, feel free to lean on family, friends, and those you trust about what you're going through. We're here to listen and support you through this journey as well