everything is so shit 💔

eylah

when will it ever get better? im sat in my bed rn crying bc everything is rly rly overwhelming for me. 💔 my sister is hopefully coming home in the next few days ( if her obs and shit stay ok) but idk christmas is so right round the corner literally next week and im spending it alone. i know im gonna struggle i rly am bc i havent got my mum this year to celebrate with my dad is non existent ( harsh but truth) but my sister is at hers with her bf which im glad she has him etc but it wouldnt be right for me to go round after her emergency op etc.

stuff happened this week and its made me just rly struggle so much more. i ended up in hospital bc of stuff but basically i have never broke down in front of psych liaison before but i did and idk i felt like she didnt judge me? she gave me a rly long hug and she said my mum would be rly proud of me for still being here ( that broke my heart) but idk why but hearing that and i got a hug for the first time since i lost mum and it just felt rly weird but like i could open up to her. she rly was so supportive & kind to me and it just made me re think abt the psych liaison etc. but i just cant appreciate her enough.

i spoke to the mh nurse today and she said to me could i keep myself safe ( i said no bc of reasons ) but i am safe !! im safe dw and then i just feel rly stupid bc then she went to mention that shes seeing me on monday but i feel like shit bc i told her i want to discharge myself from cmht but i feel like i dont want to bc her and my psychiatrist hes amazing to theyre only ppl in my life I have around me? so i am just scared she will think shit of etc and that im throwing the help away they gave me but im not. Im just scared to see her on monday bc of that.. im such a shitty person 💔

i feel like ive rly upset ppl who i classed as friends but idk i feel like ive upset a friend of mine. its made me feel rly shitty but idk they haven’t said anything to me that ive upset them but i just know i have like its so obvious but idk i just am hating myself so much rn bc im just a shitty friend sister etc. i just wish i was just overall so shitty. 💔

i know theres so much mentioned in this thread and im rly sry but i have been holding so much in i just needed to offload it all bc everything is rly overwhelming for me. but yeah. sry 💔

TheNightmare

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. You’re carrying so much right now. Please don’t feel bad for offloading. You deserve support. It’s ok completely to feel overwhelmed, especially with everything going on, but you’re definitely not a bad person for struggling. You’re reaching out shows so much strength.

I’m glad the psych liaison and nurse have been kind and supportive. It sounds like they really care about you. Try to be gentle with yourself. You’re not alone in this. One step at a time. You’ve made it through so much already. Keep holding on and know that things can get better, even if it feels impossible right now. ❤️

eylah

thankyou @TheNightmare it means a lot i just wanted to clarify i am safe i was just trying to offload abt the convo i had with my mental health nurse.

i just wanted to say thankyou so much from my heart i have never been so cared abt before and noone has supported me in a long time so im rly basically saying thankyou so much for listening to my utter rubbish abt my life. but your all the kindest ppl ever and you rly are so special to me i know struggle but im always here for you all. thankyou so much again everyone your all beautiful ppl inside & out ❤️🫶🏻 keep strong xx

TheNightmare

eylah wrote: »

thankyou @TheNightmare it means a lot i just wanted to clarify i am safe i was just trying to offload abt the convo i had with my mental health nurse.

i just wanted to say thankyou so much from my heart i have never been so cared abt before and noone has supported me in a long time so im rly basically saying thankyou so much for listening to my utter rubbish abt my life. but your all the kindest ppl ever and you rly are so special to me i know struggle but im always here for you all. thankyou so much again everyone your all beautiful ppl inside & out ❤️🫶🏻 keep strong xx

@eylah Im glad you're safe. Keep offloading and reaching out.

I want to thank you for your support too and means a lot you saying that. We are all here for you on here, it's an amazing community. Everyone is very kind. We really appreciate that we're special to you. It's no problem, I and Im sure others will continue supporting you ❤️

Eminemsgirl

eylah wrote: »

when will it ever get better? im sat in my bed rn crying bc everything is rly rly overwhelming for me. 💔 my sister is hopefully coming home in the next few days ( if her obs and shit stay ok) but idk christmas is so right round the corner literally next week and im spending it alone. i know im gonna struggle i rly am bc i havent got my mum this year to celebrate with my dad is non existent ( harsh but truth) but my sister is at hers with her bf which im glad she has him etc but it wouldnt be right for me to go round after her emergency op etc.

stuff happened this week and its made me just rly struggle so much more. i ended up in hospital bc of stuff but basically i have never broke down in front of psych liaison before but i did and idk i felt like she didnt judge me? she gave me a rly long hug and she said my mum would be rly proud of me for still being here ( that broke my heart) but idk why but hearing that and i got a hug for the first time since i lost mum and it just felt rly weird but like i could open up to her. she rly was so supportive & kind to me and it just made me re think abt the psych liaison etc. but i just cant appreciate her enough.

i spoke to the mh nurse today and she said to me could i keep myself safe ( i said no bc of reasons ) but i am safe !! im safe dw and then i just feel rly stupid bc then she went to mention that shes seeing me on monday but i feel like shit bc i told her i want to discharge myself from cmht but i feel like i dont want to bc her and my psychiatrist hes amazing to theyre only ppl in my life I have around me? so i am just scared she will think shit of etc and that im throwing the help away they gave me but im not. Im just scared to see her on monday bc of that.. im such a shitty person 💔

i feel like ive rly upset ppl who i classed as friends but idk i feel like ive upset a friend of mine. its made me feel rly shitty but idk they haven’t said anything to me that ive upset them but i just know i have like its so obvious but idk i just am hating myself so much rn bc im just a shitty friend sister etc. i just wish i was just overall so shitty. 💔

i know theres so much mentioned in this thread and im rly sry but i have been holding so much in i just needed to offload it all bc everything is rly overwhelming for me. but yeah. sry 💔

Eminemsgirl

Hope ur okay lovely always here!

eylah

feeling rly shit 💔 i need to get a gift & card for someone but im just feeling crap bc i am just so emotional rn im finding it rly hard to even get up to go to town. why am i so fucking selfish 💔

eylah

heh can m day get any messed up? was doing so well with not hurting myself ( safe) and then my ‘so called’ friend who ive helped through her trauma and stuff putting her first!!! now she is saying that apparently i should of just disappeared already? huh after i have tried helping her! her threatening suicide etc and she is saying that? ive had enough 😖💔 ( just a rant!)

Azziman

Hey @eylah, thank you for sharing your experience with us on here, I can hear it's not always an easy thing to do. I can hear how you're finding Christmas this year more difficult with the change in circumstances without your mum or sister, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling isolated at this time of year.

It sounds like you've had a difficult week, but I'm glad to hear that the liaison was really supportive. Small gestures like a good hug and supportive words can be so helpful when we're feeling vulnerable, and it sounds like this liaison was able to help you which is lovely to hear

You mentioned that you want to discharge yourself, but that you're scared of what the mental health nurse and psychiatrist will think. What is it about their opinion that scares you? Ultimately, they'll help you as long as you want their support, but if you decide that you want to discharge yourself, then they'll respect that decision. There's no judgement or sense of "throwing away help" - they'll only help you if you want the help after all, so I'm sure they'll be okay with your decision to stay or go What do you feel about it? Do you think you still want their help?

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience with your friends - you've tried to help and support them, so I can understand that it's hurtful when someone speaks to you like that in response. It sounds like you're upset about that, and your feelings are valid given the situation! Now that a bit of time has passed since this happened yesterday, I just wanted to check in on how you're feeling about this?

You've been through a really difficult few months from your experiences, and you've done ever so well to not only keep yourself going, but to try and support others too. Be kind to yourself, because you're really trying your best! We're here to support you through this

Sian321

Hey @eylah , how are you this morning? Thank you so much for your posts here about how things are feeling with your sister as you approach Christmas, your feelings about CMHT, and what's been happening with your friend too.

It sounds like you've been carrying quite a lot of self-blame and self-criticism lately, feeling as though you have been a bad friend or a bad sister, and I know those kinds of guilt and shame can weigh so, so heavy sometimes. From where I'm standing, it sounds like you're doing your very best right now, and there's been so much to contend with in the past few months alone. It is so valid that you're feeling overwhelmed and emotional, and it sounds isolating to be having to cope with so much of this alone. I'm really pleased that you can open up to us here about it. We're listening

What you described about your psych liaison felt so moving - how she hugged you for the first time since losing your Mum, and acknowledged that your Mum would be so, so proud of you for staying here and holding on. I can imagine that just meant the world to hear, and you're so deserving of being treated with warmth and kindness like that. I heard you say that you're really scared about leaving CMHT because you're unsure if that's what you want - did I get that right? It is valid to feel conflicted at times, or to perhaps have said you'd like to discharge yourself, but then to want to stay. You mentioned you have a meeting coming up on Monday to discuss things - is that right? How are you feeling about that, and what are you hoping the outcome might be?

heh can m day get any messed up? was doing so well with not hurting myself ( safe) and then my ‘so called’ friend who ive helped through her trauma and stuff putting her first!!! now she is saying that apparently i should of just disappeared already? huh after i have tried helping her! her threatening suicide etc and she is saying that? ive had enough 😖💔 ( just a rant!)

I also just wanted to acknowledge what your friend had said to you here - that feels horrible, @eylah , and no one has a right to speak to you this way. To talk about 'dissapearing' after you have offered her so much care sounds extreamly hurtful, and I can understand why you've had enough. How have you been able to take care of yourself since this happened? And I wonder what kind of boundaries you may or may not wish to have in place with this person (if that's what felt right to you)

eylah

o

Azziman wrote: »

Hey @eylah, thank you for sharing your experience with us on here, I can hear it's not always an easy thing to do. I can hear how you're finding Christmas this year more difficult with the change in circumstances without your mum or sister, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling isolated at this time of year.

It sounds like you've had a difficult week, but I'm glad to hear that the liaison was really supportive. Small gestures like a good hug and supportive words can be so helpful when we're feeling vulnerable, and it sounds like this liaison was able to help you which is lovely to hear

You mentioned that you want to discharge yourself, but that you're scared of what the mental health nurse and psychiatrist will think. What is it about their opinion that scares you? Ultimately, they'll help you as long as you want their support, but if you decide that you want to discharge yourself, then they'll respect that decision. There's no judgement or sense of "throwing away help" - they'll only help you if you want the help after all, so I'm sure they'll be okay with your decision to stay or go What do you feel about it? Do you think you still want their help?

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience with your friends - you've tried to help and support them, so I can understand that it's hurtful when someone speaks to you like that in response. It sounds like you're upset about that, and your feelings are valid given the situation! Now that a bit of time has passed since this happened yesterday, I just wanted to check in on how you're feeling about this?

You've been through a really difficult few months from your experiences, and you've done ever so well to not only keep yourself going, but to try and support others too. Be kind to yourself, because you're really trying your best! We're here to support you through this

i mean i wasnt thinking straight when she rang me and i was having a mental breakdown so i wasnt thinking. but shes coming monday to see me bc shes worried abt me especially bc i have noone around christmas.

i mean she knows ive tried disappearing myself and her saying that at such a difficult moment in my life it just hurts even more especially bc of what happened literally few days ago its like a wtf moment.

thankyou for replying ❤️

eylah

Sian321 wrote: »

Hey @eylah , how are you this morning? Thank you so much for your posts here about how things are feeling with your sister as you approach Christmas, your feelings about CMHT, and what's been happening with your friend too.

It sounds like you've been carrying quite a lot of self-blame and self-criticism lately, feeling as though you have been a bad friend or a bad sister, and I know those kinds of guilt and shame can weigh so, so heavy sometimes. From where I'm standing, it sounds like you're doing your very best right now, and there's been so much to contend with in the past few months alone. It is so valid that you're feeling overwhelmed and emotional, and it sounds isolating to be having to cope with so much of this alone. I'm really pleased that you can open up to us here about it. We're listening

What you described about your psych liaison felt so moving - how she hugged you for the first time since losing your Mum, and acknowledged that your Mum would be so, so proud of you for staying here and holding on. I can imagine that just meant the world to hear, and you're so deserving of being treated with warmth and kindness like that. I heard you say that you're really scared about leaving CMHT because you're unsure if that's what you want - did I get that right? It is valid to feel conflicted at times, or to perhaps have said you'd like to discharge yourself, but then to want to stay. You mentioned you have a meeting coming up on Monday to discuss things - is that right? How are you feeling about that, and what are you hoping the outcome might be?

heh can m day get any messed up? was doing so well with not hurting myself ( safe) and then my ‘so called’ friend who ive helped through her trauma and stuff putting her first!!! now she is saying that apparently i should of just disappeared already? huh after i have tried helping her! her threatening suicide etc and she is saying that? ive had enough 😖💔 ( just a rant!)

I also just wanted to acknowledge what your friend had said to you here - that feels horrible, @eylah , and no one has a right to speak to you this way. To talk about 'dissapearing' after you have offered her so much care sounds extreamly hurtful, and I can understand why you've had enough. How have you been able to take care of yourself since this happened? And I wonder what kind of boundaries you may or may not wish to have in place with this person (if that's what felt right to you)

hey sian ❤️ once again thankyoi so much!

on monday its not a meeting no its just the mental community nurse is taking me for a treat type of thing aka ( mcdonalds lol) bc i have noone to celebrate christmas with so she wants to try make me feel ok idrk lol. i want to keep working with her and my psychiatrist bc theyre literally the best mental health team ive ever had they rly are kind. tbh when i said i didnt want her help anymore i do want her help i just was pushing her away bc i do that. but tbh idk what id do without them bc theyre the best ppl to have ever stuck by me no matter what.

her saying she would rather i be ‘gone’ hurts so fucking much bc of what happened few days ago i was rly shocked she even said that to me after what happened i was rly like wtf? bc when she tells me in past she tried blah blah blah etc i never went to her you just disappear etc bc thats wrong! im still here but tbh? i feel utter shit after that bc im like someone who ive tried helping thinks that of me it’s like rly? like idk but my mind is wondering overthinking that statment ‘disappear’ im safe dw its just my mind 😅🥲

sian thankyoi so much for replying like always your help and support mean so much to me ❤️

Sian321

Hey @eylah thanks so much for this, and I totally hear what you're saying about even while you're safe, that comment about 'dissapearing' is really playing on your mind. It can be so hard when our brain's do that, replaying a thought over and over. It seems like your friend deeply hurt you, and there's almost a feeling of betrayal too maybe (?) after you've helped them so much in the past?

When those thoughts of dissapearing do come up, has there been anything or anyone that helps to ground you? I'll share some options below in-case helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrZT-KxWc-U&t=40s
https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.expertselfcare.selfharm&hl=en_GB
https://calmharm.stem4.org.uk/

I'm so pleased your psych liaison and you are going for McDonalds - yum! That sounds really nice. It's totally valid that you found yourself pushing them away even whilst another part of you didn't want to. What do you know about that part of you that sometimes feels the urge to push others away? What do you feel's happening for you in those moments?

We're here for you, @eylah !

eylah

hey @Sian321 sry for not responding until now just had a rly difficult afternoon. yeah it hurts that someone ive been supporting and even putting first before my own mental health is agonising bc i have done nothing to hurt her nor judged her for suffering but she thinks its ok to turn around and tell me to disappear’. yeah like im not expecting fairy’s and rainbows after supporting her but wt least be appreciative of it? like she knows of my mums death in september she knows my sister has been poorly and has emergency surgery this week and the abuse my dad gave me after mums death to so its just heartbreaking bc im struggling daily with suicidal thoughts and like im trying every day to try be kind to myself battling thoughts that everything is my fault in my life like just its shit. 💔💔

i try to watch you tube or go for a walk but most times going for a walk turns up badly so i try to not do that. i tend to support ppl when im feeling bad bc i feel better afterwards knowing ppl have been heard and that they know ppl care abt them and their feelings etc. thankyou for those grounding techniques ill have a look ❤️

tbh i dont know why I push ppl away? i was just told that by the mental health nurse that i do that but im not rly sure what she means by that? tbh i cant rly explain what happens from me in those moments bc i dont even know im doing it? but ppl notice it but it tends to be when im feeling suffering mentally idk sry 😅

sry again for a delay in me replying im just rly struggling tonight so just took time of here to try ground myself. didnt work but im ok ❤️

thankyou so much again for responding it means a lot to me ❤️

im safe ❤️

eylah

Eminemsgirl wrote: »

Hope ur okay lovely always here!

hey im so sry i didnt see this until now thankyou so much for being so kind it means a lot to me ❤️ im always here for you to ❤️

eylah

TheNightmare wrote: »

eylah wrote: »

thankyou @TheNightmare it means a lot i just wanted to clarify i am safe i was just trying to offload abt the convo i had with my mental health nurse.

i just wanted to say thankyou so much from my heart i have never been so cared abt before and noone has supported me in a long time so im rly basically saying thankyou so much for listening to my utter rubbish abt my life. but your all the kindest ppl ever and you rly are so special to me i know struggle but im always here for you all. thankyou so much again everyone your all beautiful ppl inside & out ❤️🫶🏻 keep strong xx

@eylah Im glad you're safe. Keep offloading and reaching out.

I want to thank you for your support too and means a lot you saying that. We are all here for you on here, it's an amazing community. Everyone is very kind. We really appreciate that we're special to you. It's no problem, I and Im sure others will continue supporting you ❤️

hey @TheNightmare im so sry for not replying to your msg until now i didnt see you had replied to me but thankyou so much it means so much to me. your reply has made me feel so much better ❤️ im always here for you no matter what ❤️

TheNightmare

eylah wrote: »

TheNightmare wrote: »

eylah wrote: »

thankyou @TheNightmare it means a lot i just wanted to clarify i am safe i was just trying to offload abt the convo i had with my mental health nurse.

i just wanted to say thankyou so much from my heart i have never been so cared abt before and noone has supported me in a long time so im rly basically saying thankyou so much for listening to my utter rubbish abt my life. but your all the kindest ppl ever and you rly are so special to me i know struggle but im always here for you all. thankyou so much again everyone your all beautiful ppl inside & out ❤️🫶🏻 keep strong xx

@eylah Im glad you're safe. Keep offloading and reaching out.

I want to thank you for your support too and means a lot you saying that. We are all here for you on here, it's an amazing community. Everyone is very kind. We really appreciate that we're special to you. It's no problem, I and Im sure others will continue supporting you ❤️

hey @TheNightmare im so sry for not replying to your msg until now i didnt see you had replied to me but thankyou so much it means so much to me. your reply has made me feel so much better ❤️ im always here for you no matter what ❤️

@eylah No problem, I'm so glad my reply made you feel better. I really appreciate you're here for me too ❤️

eylah

i just want this to stop 💔 constantly having suicidal thoughts its a shitty thing for me like i have no plans im safe but im fed up of living like this. why can’t they just fucking disappear?😖 ive had enough of waking up every day and constantly getting these shitty thoughts like ive done nothing to deserve it but i can’t handle it anymore 💔 why why why 💔 ( safe ). they seem to of got worse since mum has passed? idk if its hate or what but waking up every day and experiencing such pain is rly agonising bc i could be doing something nice for myself and they appear out of nowhere i just wanna cry bc im so tired of experiencing them. just wish i was superman and could get rid of them but im not. why can’t my life be back to normal when mum was alive 💔 its so tiring it rly is 💔

im safe im just ranting bc im just sad 🥲 i hate this feeling so much but im going to do some colouring to distract myself.

briannat

Hey Eylah

I can hear that you're really struggling at the moment and that things feel really hard. Suicidal thoughts can be so intense and make it hard to do anything else besides focusing on those thoughts, you're in a battle with yourself essentially and it's so energy consuming. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I appreciate that you've shared you're safe What's helping you to feel safe in these moments? Are there ever times where things feel a bit lighter? Even if it's only a little?

If you need to cry, please give yourself the space to do so. Grief is overwhelming and can push us to our limits, your sadness is proof of how much you loved your mum and how precious that relationship between the both of you was. Your sadness is also welcome and safe on this community space. I hope this doesn't sound redundant but please be kind to yourself, you're going through a lot and doing the best you can. I'm proud of you for reaching out in this space and talking about how you're feeling, that shows courage and vulnerability. Are there some positive memories with your mum that you'd like to share here? We're here to listen

eylah

thankyou @briannat it means a lot. i know sort of how to cope ? with them bc its voices i hear constantly telling me these things abt suicidal thoughts. but im never gonna listen to them bc im hoping to get back on the medication my psychiatrist prescribed me that will help ease these minions. ( voices) im so lucky bc i have a appt tmr with my mh nurse and going to discuss this with her. going to do some colouring now to distract myself but im safe im just very exhausted of living with such pain etc.

my mum was a beautiful person inside & out she just unfortunately went down the wrong path & noone would help her. i did my best but i couldnt manage my shit and her struggles to but im hoping she has a gd christmas in heaven bc i know theyre treating her like a beautiful person she always was and will forever be. gosh that made me shed a tear writing that 🥲 just very sad bc i wish the mh could of helped her bc then she would still be here 💔

thankyou brianna ❤️

briannat

Of course

The voices sound awful, if I could I would definitely fight them for you. I'm hopeful about the medication you'll be prescribed. I know good medicine can make a huge difference when it comes to mental health. I'm glad you have an appointment tomorrow too with your mental health nurse , it feels like you've got some much deserved support in place to help you in the ways that you need.

I love colouring! It's so soothing and can quiet down even the loudest of thoughts.
I agree with you I hope your mum is having a beautiful Christmas in heaven, experiencing peace warmth and love. I can imagine she must've felt lucky to be your mum, you speak about her with so much love. Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like the best you can do right now is just try and take care of yourself (which you're already doing) Enjoy your colouring

eylah

with this antipsychotic medication i was on it before but he took me of it which made me so sad but bc of the dangers ( not saying bc of guidelines) he took me of it for my safety so im hoping i can keep myself safe & prove to him i can be trusted. so far im proving to him i can be trusted so thats gd!

thankypu i got film on in background and trying to distract myself just had a lil cry bc im just feeling rly emotional 💔 but thankyou all so much for the constant support you guys give me. it means the world to me bc im alone on my life and having the mix means so much to me ❤️

yeah im missing mum so much and just hoping im making her proud from down here and cant wait to see her again. ❤️

eylah

the one fucking time i need someone they just cancel on me.. they know im gonna rly struggle this week i cant do this .

woke up bc i was having a meltdown all bc i thought of my mum 💔 now im just non stop crying and i can’t stop i hate having these whatever you call them abt my mum its awful it rly is 💔 everything is to much

shannon_164

@eylah everything sounds really difficult for you right now and i’m really sorry to hear that they cancelled on you:( sending so much love your way and i’m always here if you need someone - you’ve got this eylah🩷

Claire28

@eylah I'm sorry to hear they cancelled on you, that sounds really disappointing and frustrating especially when you struggle this week. What is the rest of your day looking like?

We're here for you on community, be super kind to yourself. Sending hugs

eylah

@Claire28 my day isnt got anything planned bc im just struggling like usual bc everything is shit this time of year is shit . im just sat in costa bc im ‘a loner’ and i just hate everything. 💔yeah i rly needed to see the mental health nurse to discus my medication but she has cancelled on me knowing well that this time of year is so shit and difficult for me and she was ‘gonna’ make it better for me 💔 thankyou like im such a idiot. just sad

eylah

thankyou @shannonxg_ i appreciate you replying to me it means a lot. thankyou so much 🩷

AnonymousToe

That’s so rubbish that she cancelled on you @eylah i doubt she meant it to hurt you but it still sucks. You’re doing really well getting through this and we’re here for you 🫂

sinead276

sending you a big hug @eylah and hopefully things start to look a bit better again soon .

remember we are all here for you whenever you need

eylah

@AnonymousToe i agree but it hurts especially bc tmr is going to be rly hard for me being all alone in my flat and then hearing ppl celebrating christmas its just rly rly hard 💔. sry if i sounded rude in my msg im rly sry ❤️ i even got the cmht cakes 😩 but thankyou again

thanks sinead dont think things are getting better any time soon 💔

AnonymousToe

It’s ok @eylah don’t worry about being rude, this is a place for you to talk about how you feel. I’m really sorry if I dismissed you at all. You’re doing really well. Is there something nice you’d like to do tomorrow? I’m so sorry you’re all alone. We’re here for you 🫂