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Life. Grief. Growing up
Faolan
Posts: 87 Budding Regular
My dad died just over a year ago now and my mam has a new boyfriend and is moving away to live with him. I feel happy for my sister , she is young so it’s good for her to have a father figure but I feels a bit gutted about it . Like my dad is being forgotten. Sure she’s after packing away all of his pictures and things and now it feels like he’s really gone. I know technically, he is ..but it wouldn’t hurt to keep his memory alive.
I know my mam grieved for my dad but at times it felt like my world stood still and everyone else’s just kept moving. I know that’s life but it hurt sometimes. I never talked about it much but I really struggled with carrying that grief. I started hating myself, I stopped playing football & gaelic and my faith slipped so many times.
Recently I’ve been making an effort to do better and feel better. Sure I go to mass every weekend, I’ve been working hard, I have a PT who is helping me start long distance running again, I play football for my new team every week and I do feel better. I still miss my dad obviously but it feels less heavy now. But my ma is moving away and I feel like I’m going to grieve again for someone who is alive.
I’m at the age where in our culture we choose who we’re going to marry. Mam put me in contact with someone who I did get along with and she’s everything I could ever ask for, I was punching for sure. But I told the girl I didn’t want a relationship and I plan to leave my community when I’m 18 and now she won’t speak with me and called me a dick and time waster, Idk if I did the right thing, I struggle with words sometimes. I felt lucky to have her and she made me happy, just the thought of a future in a travellers community makes my skin crawl.. and the more she talked about being married, buying a trailer, having kids and possibly even living roadside instead of an encampment, the more pushed away I felt.
Mam was a bit annoyed but I didn’t want to be a provider and put all my focus onto that girl when I feel like I still need time to learn about myself. She had a long chat with me about growing up, and maybe I do need to grow up, idk. She said my dad would be disappointed and that felt harsh. It was the first time she’s even mentioned my dad to me since he died.
Anyway. Most people in our culture thrive and love turning 15. But so far I’m hating it lol
I know my mam grieved for my dad but at times it felt like my world stood still and everyone else’s just kept moving. I know that’s life but it hurt sometimes. I never talked about it much but I really struggled with carrying that grief. I started hating myself, I stopped playing football & gaelic and my faith slipped so many times.
Recently I’ve been making an effort to do better and feel better. Sure I go to mass every weekend, I’ve been working hard, I have a PT who is helping me start long distance running again, I play football for my new team every week and I do feel better. I still miss my dad obviously but it feels less heavy now. But my ma is moving away and I feel like I’m going to grieve again for someone who is alive.
I’m at the age where in our culture we choose who we’re going to marry. Mam put me in contact with someone who I did get along with and she’s everything I could ever ask for, I was punching for sure. But I told the girl I didn’t want a relationship and I plan to leave my community when I’m 18 and now she won’t speak with me and called me a dick and time waster, Idk if I did the right thing, I struggle with words sometimes. I felt lucky to have her and she made me happy, just the thought of a future in a travellers community makes my skin crawl.. and the more she talked about being married, buying a trailer, having kids and possibly even living roadside instead of an encampment, the more pushed away I felt.
Mam was a bit annoyed but I didn’t want to be a provider and put all my focus onto that girl when I feel like I still need time to learn about myself. She had a long chat with me about growing up, and maybe I do need to grow up, idk. She said my dad would be disappointed and that felt harsh. It was the first time she’s even mentioned my dad to me since he died.
Anyway. Most people in our culture thrive and love turning 15. But so far I’m hating it lol
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Comments
I don't actually know what the right way to grieve is - I'm not sure there even is one. I really hear you in feeling like your world stood still and the struggles that come with carrying that grief. It kinda feels like you're stood behind a window, whilst everyone else is on the other side and you're just watching them get on with their lives. I remember feeling so much heaviness and weight that nobody could see on the outside. You're being really brave to talk about this now and I'm right here with you in those feelings.
It sounds really positive you're making that effort to do better and feel better now. And whilst there isn't any pressure to get back to how things used to be (I don't think it ever really feels exactly the same as it did before such an immense loss), I know how good this can feel for our wellbeing. Grieving for someone who is still alive also makes a lot of sense here too. You're in a pretty big chapter of your life at the moment Faolan and at the same time you're navigating your teens. That's a lot, and you should give yourself credit for actively wanting to do and feel better. You're experiencing a lot of change to what you're used to, and I hope you're able to make plans to see your ma and sister when they do move away.
I must say you sound incredibly wise for your age Faolan and your self-awareness is extremely impressive. I don't think at 15 I could've made a decision about leaving a community with such sound reasoning. Those feelings of pushing away sound valid here too. It's a shame you did get along with her, but it's also considerate of you to be able to recognise that how you see your futures are completely different. And that's okay Faolan. It's okay to want something different and to picture your life differently - because it's your life.
From this post I think you're incredibly grown up for your age so I'm sorry your ma doesn't see that. I don't know your family so I can't speak for them, but if my (metaphorical) kid handled themselves like you did I would be immensely proud.
Be gentle with yourself Faolan and thank you for being so raw with us
Thank you so much for your reply. I posted this thinking no one’s going to understand so thank you for proving me wrong with that there, it means a lot and I feel a million times better for it.
I’m sorry for your loss too Katie💚 it’s brutal painful when we lose someone so close to us. I do have photos and I can relate with feeling frozen when I come across them on my camera roll. I kinda quickly scroll away because I get a painful chest when I see his face lol. There’s a photo of us having a water fight that I can look at. I’m not sure why that’s easier than the rest, it wasn’t always so maybe I’m just healing without realising. He used to wear a serenity prayer chain and since he died I’ve had it on every day. I find comfort in that too.
Oh sure that’s exactly how it do be feeling! And it’s so hard to be happy for people when I feel like I’m being left behind. Thanks for being here with me with that because it’s so isolating and everything you’ve said is so validating and kind, thank you💚
You’re right, I’ll never be the same person I was before my dad died. I just needed to do better to feel.. something again. It always made me feel annoyed when people said exercise is great for your MH because when you’re feeling shite to the point where tying your shoe laces feels like a ten mile uphill hike, exercise is the last thing you wanna do. But paying for my PT has helped with that. I’m a mega people pleaser so I don’t want to let him down🤣
THANK YOU!💚 that is so nice to hear. My ma , my uncle and everyone in this community have these big plans for my life and I’m always the last eejit to find out about them. I didn’t even know they had hopes for me to marry this girl until she asked me if I have savings because she wants a big wedding. Yer joking like, my savings are for me to leave this kip lol.
That’s nice ❤️ me ma is a great woman and I’ve all the respect In the world for her but I don’t think she’d disagree if I said she’s quite cold hearted and emotionally shut off. But I glad that I do things that would make you feel proud, that does mean a lot because I do want to do good and give more than I take in this world. Thanks Katie❤️
It’s nice to have you around on the boards, I do miss your craic in GC though. Hope we get to keep ya🥲
You've shared some really important stuff and I just want to recognise the courage it takes to do all of the things you mentioned to try and start feeling better. Going to mass, trying to start long distance running and even playing football consistently. All of this is hard work when we're feeling our best, so to do this in a time of grief is nothing short of incredible. You've experienced a lot of change recently. With your dad passing just about a year ago, watching your mum move on and date again, and knowing that she's moving away it's a lot to handle all at once. You have every right to feel and experience whatever emotions are coming up for you. Grief is not linear and it never really goes away, we just learn how to navigate life while simultaneously loving someone who's no longer physically here with us. Some days are easier, and some days it's as if it just happened yesterday. I think it's really brave that you were honest with yourself and the lass you were speaking to. It takes courage to say that this isn't something you wanted even though everyone around you might want that thing for you.
It's hard to do things outside of the cultural norm. I'm not a traveller but as someone who's apart of the LGBTQ+ community, I can tell you that my Nigerian family wasn't exactly ecstatic about finding out my identity but it was way more important to stay true to myself rather than adhere to values that were no longer serving me. You're doing an amazing job. And I'm sure you're not the only one in your culture who has felt the things you've voiced here.
You mentioned feeling as though you're grieving for someone who is alive due to your mum moving away. This is so real. It's another change to your routine that you have to cope with. Allow yourself to feel whatever is coming up for you, but remember that you can still call your mum while she's away. It'll be different but she's still here physically and you can absolutely take advantage of that fact. I'm sorry your mum said your dad would be disappointed in you, that is really harsh and hurtful to hear. Given everything you've shared so far, I can't imagine that he'd see all the things you're doing to take care of yourself and be anything but proud of you.
Thank you for being so honest in this space
I completely get you here with feeling a painful chest. It's strange how we find some things easier than the rest (that rhymed). For a few months after I really struggled to go inside my nanna and grandad's house so I would just stand outside talking to my grandad, but now I find it quite comforting and a lot of her things haven't been moved. It's like so much looks physically unchanged and she should be sat there in her chair, but she isn't. I've still not tried to go upstairs and I'm not sure I ever will but that's okay. I also have a select few photos I'm okay with seeing but I'm not sure why they're easier than the rest. Just one of those unexplainable things I guess.
I do think we naturally heal without realising, and everyday might feel a little easier to get through than the last. I also wonder whether we can actually control our grief and how it manifests. Sometimes it'll hit us at random moments and feel a bit out of place, like when I'm eating pie and mash like I've done a hundred times before, but this one random time it comes with a side plate of grief because she often cooked it for me. We're doing our best just by navigating a future without them - and that's all we can do really
Exactly - they were right all along !! How annoying.
This made me lol 🤣 Keep your savings and get out of there - listen to YOU.
You've made my day Faolan but also
Thank you for your reply and support. I do appreciate that a lot💚
It feels good to be reassured that I did the right thing with the girl. I didn’t like upsetting her or me mam but I’m glad now that I did put myself first. I don’t think you can fake being in love with someone and sure she was a nice girl, she does deserve someone who can give her real love and not just someone faking it for the white picket fence life.
Thank you for sharing this. I can’t imagine how scary that must’ve felt to come out to your family and I’m sorry they weren’t accepting. That’s really sad. My family would be the same too. I hope you have people who make you feel accepted and loved for who you are.
I like how you worded this. I really like living in community and I do like the history of being a traveller and a part of me really loves my background but there are values that no longer serve me and what I want from my life and that’s what I need to escape from.
Thank you again for sharing all of that 💚 I do feels a lot better after talking about it
I say your granny would love for you to pop in for a cup of tea (or whatever you drink🤣) even if she isn’t there physically. Sure it was her home which was obviously filled with a lot of love and a lot of happy memories. Awk, she must’ve been so nice.
Oh ya I feel this. It comes at such weird times. I put a goal in the net there today and looked out to see did my dad see because he always came to watch me play but then I remembered he’s not there and I got a bit teary eyed😂 ah, it happens and I guess it’s just because we loved them so much. That’s a good thing I think
Valid. I’ll be on me best behaviour 🫡
Thank you a million times Katie, for everything.