Life. Grief. Growing up

Faolan

My dad died just over a year ago now and my mam has a new boyfriend and is moving away to live with him. I feel happy for my sister , she is young so it’s good for her to have a father figure but I feels a bit gutted about it . Like my dad is being forgotten. Sure she’s after packing away all of his pictures and things and now it feels like he’s really gone. I know technically, he is ..but it wouldn’t hurt to keep his memory alive.

I know my mam grieved for my dad but at times it felt like my world stood still and everyone else’s just kept moving. I know that’s life but it hurt sometimes. I never talked about it much but I really struggled with carrying that grief. I started hating myself, I stopped playing football & gaelic and my faith slipped so many times.

Recently I’ve been making an effort to do better and feel better. Sure I go to mass every weekend, I’ve been working hard, I have a PT who is helping me start long distance running again, I play football for my new team every week and I do feel better. I still miss my dad obviously but it feels less heavy now. But my ma is moving away and I feel like I’m going to grieve again for someone who is alive.

I’m at the age where in our culture we choose who we’re going to marry. Mam put me in contact with someone who I did get along with and she’s everything I could ever ask for, I was punching for sure. But I told the girl I didn’t want a relationship and I plan to leave my community when I’m 18 and now she won’t speak with me and called me a dick and time waster, Idk if I did the right thing, I struggle with words sometimes. I felt lucky to have her and she made me happy, just the thought of a future in a travellers community makes my skin crawl.. and the more she talked about being married, buying a trailer, having kids and possibly even living roadside instead of an encampment, the more pushed away I felt.

Mam was a bit annoyed but I didn’t want to be a provider and put all my focus onto that girl when I feel like I still need time to learn about myself. She had a long chat with me about growing up, and maybe I do need to grow up, idk. She said my dad would be disappointed and that felt harsh. It was the first time she’s even mentioned my dad to me since he died.

Anyway. Most people in our culture thrive and love turning 15. But so far I’m hating it lol

Katie

I'm really sorry for your loss @Faolan Grief is a funny thing and is unfortunately something we all tend to experience at some point. Your feelings here sound really valid and understandable. Everyone grieves in a different way and it can be hard watching someone else respond differently to you. It sounds quite bittersweet that your sister will have that father figure to grow up with but it'll unfortunately not be your dad. Are there any pictures you can keep for yourself or any other items you can keep that remind you of him? I lost my nanna a couple of years ago and I still struggle looking at photos of her. Sometimes when I accidentally come across one in my camera roll it really catches me by surprise and I feel quite frozen. I've found more comfort in thinking about happy memories I had with her. Saying this, grief also changes over time. Maybe in a few more years I'll find that comfort in looking at the photos, but not just yet.

I don't actually know what the right way to grieve is - I'm not sure there even is one. I really hear you in feeling like your world stood still and the struggles that come with carrying that grief. It kinda feels like you're stood behind a window, whilst everyone else is on the other side and you're just watching them get on with their lives. I remember feeling so much heaviness and weight that nobody could see on the outside. You're being really brave to talk about this now and I'm right here with you in those feelings.

It sounds really positive you're making that effort to do better and feel better now. And whilst there isn't any pressure to get back to how things used to be (I don't think it ever really feels exactly the same as it did before such an immense loss), I know how good this can feel for our wellbeing. Grieving for someone who is still alive also makes a lot of sense here too. You're in a pretty big chapter of your life at the moment Faolan and at the same time you're navigating your teens. That's a lot, and you should give yourself credit for actively wanting to do and feel better. You're experiencing a lot of change to what you're used to, and I hope you're able to make plans to see your ma and sister when they do move away.

I must say you sound incredibly wise for your age Faolan and your self-awareness is extremely impressive. I don't think at 15 I could've made a decision about leaving a community with such sound reasoning. Those feelings of pushing away sound valid here too. It's a shame you did get along with her, but it's also considerate of you to be able to recognise that how you see your futures are completely different. And that's okay Faolan. It's okay to want something different and to picture your life differently - because it's your life.

From this post I think you're incredibly grown up for your age so I'm sorry your ma doesn't see that. I don't know your family so I can't speak for them, but if my (metaphorical) kid handled themselves like you did I would be immensely proud.

Be gentle with yourself Faolan and thank you for being so raw with us