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family stuff tw for physical/emotional abuse, gaslighting, suicidal thoughts

violynenjoyerviolynenjoyer Posts: 6 Confirmed not a robot
edited July 10 in Health & Wellbeing
okay. so my dad is abusive. not in the way where he beats me for no reason. in the way that if i say anything he doesnt agree with, or anything he deems disrespectful his ego will be hurt and he will immediately hit me.

his dad was abusive aswell and whenever i apologise (we'll get there) he brings it up as a sob story as if im supposed to gaf. he hated his dad. so why does he think its okay to do it to me. he also threatens me with very violent things such as stomping on my head. he claims its discipline but i personally think discipline shouldnt come from a place of anger where you are being held back by my mother while shouting "im going to beat you up".

two days ago this happened. i made a comment to him after something he said. i told him i didnt really feel like being lectured at the moment. it was 11pm and i was tired. maybe my tone was a bit off (im autistic and sometimes my tone can come across ina way i dont mean it to. im no stranger to being misunderstood and not given to chance to explain). even still, i dont feel that warranted the reaction i got which i described above. he also was shouting at me "who do you think you are". i calmly asked him "why are you shouting" multiple times and he continued to yell. so i left the room so avoid the situation from escalating. my mum heard the shouting and asked me what happened. while i was talking he started coming up the stairs yelling. at this point im sick of him. he always does this. hes 68 and cant communicate without yelling, even when i was younger. so i tell him to be quiet bc honestly stfu, even though i know it will make him more angry, and then walk into my room. a part of me wanted to make him angrier just to see how my mum would react. shes seen him hit me and threaten me and somehow always finds a way to fault me for his actions.

anyway, thats when he threatened me. hearing that i grabbed my phone and stormed back out the room threatening to call the police. after everything died down my mum came into the room and told that threatening to call the police was unacceptable. i aksed her if him threatening to beat me up and stomp on my head was okay. she said no. so i ask why tolerate it. she says "hes your dad you need to respect him". she wasnt downstairs when he started yelling and, as always, tells me "its not what you say but how you say it" as if that justifies his reaction in anyway.

another thing to add is that both my mum and dad dont think im autistic bc when they think of autistic they see a 4 year old white boy. my sister is the only one who understands but she doesnt live here anymore. she was also abused my by dad and my mum stood by. i even witnessed my mum throwing a fan at her bc she, a 22 year old at the time, didnt like the fact her mum was calling her fat and obsese and ugly.

as always when this happens my mum tells me to apologise. other times when hes actually managed to hit me ive told her im scared of him and she says "why. if you're scared stop being scared. he loves you". he barely knows me. hes beat me more times than hes hugged me.

i remember i time when he hit me so hard i passed out, she wasnt here but my cousin was. she used to live with us. i dont blame her for not standing up for me bc at the time she was pregnant,7 months. she's defended me when she is able to since then.

i told my mum what he did and shes said "that didnt happen". i told her she had said this and she immediately goes "i don't remember that". she doesnt remember anything she does or says wrong. so when i ask her to apologise and mean it, she says it in a way thats like "okay fine i apologised now shut up". when we talk she always tells me im not listening, i am but when i respond (bc thats how conversations work) she never listens and just sighs like im saying something stupid, then tells me im not listening again.

when i bring up something thats hurt me she says leave it in the past. but then when i was talking to her two days ago, she said "you can tell me anything. you never talk about how you feel". no shit.

shes an enabler. i dont know why she stays with him. maybe she's desperate for a relationship. she always copies everything my aunt does and maybe she wants to be like her so bad shes willing to put herself in a relationship w someone like him. maybe its bc hes my dad and she feels obligated to stay with him, no matter how may times he hurts me or my sister( we dont have the same dad. so when he would hit her its literally a random man assaulting her. my parents arent married. he has no legal authority over her).

to add on. none of my mums family like him.
they all just pretend to. now im old enough im let into all their gossip sessions and they hate him. my dad has also been divorced twice. his first wife doesnt want him around and the second, theyre on good terms.

he keeps saying he deserves respect but how am i supposed to respect you if u can't communicate like an adult. you go straight to violence. idk if he knows this, but teenagers tend to be moody ( he should know this he had 3 kids before me, one of them doesnt want to see him at all so theres that) also, not that he would know, but i dont really care for authority. you don't deserve anything from me. you earn it. idk how threatening to beat me is going to make me respect you. its just makes me dislike you more and more and thts going to become more and more obvious in my tone bc i dont mask.

hes gotten into fights with people in public. hes in the wrong and hell still demand respect. he admitted to be frightened of a 4 year old. he shouted in my niece's face, she got scared and raised her hands to shield herself and he went to hit her. my mum was there so he never got to. i heard her crying and came downstairs. he was still yelling at her, she wasnt even in the same room anymore. so i told him " shes already crying stop shouting he doesnt even understand what she did wrong" and he came towards me with a knife. i genuinely feared for my life at that moment.

my mum was there through the whole thing and she doesnt care. i still had to apologise.

anyway, back to the incident 2 days ago, i apologised or tried to apologise yesterday. he didnt look at me when i was talking, while calling me disrespectful. hypocritical much? he started being sarcastic i called him out on it and he got
offended that i would even dare to accuse him of that. he starts shouting again
i ask him why he thought threatening me was a justified reaction and he said "i would do it again". my mum tried to butt in and say "no you wouldnt dont say that" and he doubled down.

i do not feel safe in this house. i keep telling
my mum this and she tells me its okay bc shes here. she wont let me hurt me when shes here. buy he has hurt me when shes here and she always finds a way to blame me. i have to be the adult, not him. i have to be mature, not him.
theres so much i could say but i would be here all day.

im going to uni is september. so ill be out of the house. maybe can get therapy while im away. bc i need someone to tell me im not going crazy and hes really in the wrong . i find myself trying tell myself im being dramatic and im in the wrong. the night it happned i was contemplating suicide bc j felt i was burdern, always causing arguments and making my parents feel like shit. i know its not true but in the back of mind i find myself taking all the blame and it gets so loud sometimes.

my mum doesnt do it on purpose. no matter how much i say she gaslights me and makes me feel like shit i know shes doing what she thinks is right bc she cares about me. she telles me she loves me all the time. we call and text. its only during arguments she starts her bullshit. my dad on the other hand... lets just say that when he woukd be left alone with me (mum at work any the aforementioned cousin would be out, shes basically my second mum and she gladly takes the title) he would whine and complain "when is____ coming home". it makes me feel like shit knowing he didnt want to look after me.

anyway. thats the vent.
Post edited by Matthew_04 on
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    Matthew_04Matthew_04 Moderator Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hi @violynenjoyer
    I've just moved your post from introductions to health and wellbeing where it fits a little better.

    I just want to tell you that it's incredibly brave of you to reach out to us with this, I know that it wasn't easy <3
    I can see that things have been difficult between you and your dad and that you're having trouble talking to your mum about it. It sounds like things are tough at home at the moment so I've listed some resources below that you might find helpful.

    There's an organisation called National Domestic Violence Helpline which offers practical information and emotional support for women and young people experiencing domestic violence. The free National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available 24 hours a day, all-year-round on: 0808 2000 247

    There is an organisation called Men's Advice Line. They offer practical advice, information and emotional support to male victims of domestic violence and those supporting them. Freephone 0808 8010327

    There’s an organisation called ChildLine which offers information, advice and confidential counselling to anyone aged 19 and under on any issue affecting them. Their phoneline is open all day every day by calling on 0800 1111, or you can go to www.childline.org.uk to access their webchat service. They also have a message board for young people on their website. You can visit their website to access more information on them or send an email using a Childline account.

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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,416 Part of The Furniture
    edited July 11
    Building on what @Matthew_04 said above @violynenjoyer, I wanted to kind of just say - wow. How did it feel to get all that off your chest? I hope you found some relief in posting.

    Have you ever told anyone outside of your household what's happening?

    You rightly identified your dad's behavior as abusive in the first sentence and it's positive to see you understanding and labeling it in a way which is healthy. A lot of people in domestic abuse situations struggle to recognise the behaviour for what it is, and it matters that you can.
    bc i need someone to tell me im not going crazy and hes really in the wrong . i find myself trying tell myself im being dramatic and im in the wrong. the night it happned i was contemplating suicide bc j felt i was burdern, always causing arguments and making my parents feel like shit. i know its not true but in the back of mind i find myself taking all the blame and it gets so loud sometimes.
    You're not going crazy, you're not being dramatic, and he is in the wrong.

    You deserve to feel safe in your home, and having suicidal thoughts after an incident like that in an environment like this isn't unreasonable. We all have a limit for what we're able to tolerate, and it's nothing to feel crazy or ashamed about that you reached yours. Like, jeez, if this wouldn't make someone contemplate suicide, what would?! I think anyone would feel similarly in your position - people aren't meant to deal with what you're trying to deal with.

    It's so difficult when you live in a toxic environment because it can make you question your reality (I know you mentioned this a bit with your mum). When someone is abusive, particularly in a family home, this thing can happen where they have a lot of gravity. They pull in the people around them, sometimes good people, and their behaviour poisons everything.

    You said that you find yourself taking the blame, and that's also SUPER common for people being abused. Because as much as our rational mind might know the truth, we're emotional creatures at the end of the day, and eventually our monkey brain is going to be like "well... I'm being told I'm the problem, and bad things keep happening when I do and say things, therefore it must be my fault", and if you stew in that long enough that's how you start to feel.

    Also @violynenjoyer I'm really glad you found us and decided to post. You might not be safe at home, but for what it's worth, you're safe here. 💚

    Slightly besides the point of this post, but what are you going to be studying at uni and how are you feeling about going? It's nice to see you've got that exit route coming up.
    The truth resists simplicity.
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    sinead276sinead276 Posts: 1,258 Wise Owl
    @violynenjoyer - I just wanted to say the same as Matthew and V, I can't imagine living through what you have, but I'm proud of you for opening up, it's a brave thing to do - the Mix will always be a safe place for you to tell us how you feel, or whats going on for you at the moment. I know it's A LOT easier said than done, but try and remember you aren't the one at fault here. you're not to blame for your dad's anger and violence, no matter what has gone on.

    I hope you're doing okay today and I'm sending you a big virtual hug
    ggnx68rdh2b6.gif

    Sinead :3
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    violynenjoyerviolynenjoyer Posts: 6 Confirmed not a robot
    @JustV Thank you so much for your kind words! I cant explain how much they mean to me, no ones ever told me something like that before.
    JustV wrote: »
    Have you ever told anyone outside of your household what's happening?
    I have told people, but i usually pass it off as a funny story, something that i can laugh about. I dont want people to worry too much. My sister who as i said, doesnt live with us anymore is is the only one i actually be serious with, often calling her while im crying and she lets me just vent. But its not the same as her being here, you know? Ive also never told her about the suicidal thoughts. thats something ive never disclosed until now, i feel safest here.

    JustV wrote: »

    Slightly besides the point of this post, but what are you going to be studying at uni and how are you feeling about going? It's nice to see you've got that exit route coming up.

    Im going to be studying psychology! its probably the reason i was able to correctly identify so many of my parents behaviours so quickly tbh. im nervous because of the change and moving out into the dorms. i have a hard time making friends and maintaining friendships due to my autism and also how much my parents have fucked me up probably. but im excited to be studying something im passionate about so maybe ill make likeminded friends that way.
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    violynenjoyerviolynenjoyer Posts: 6 Confirmed not a robot
    @sinead276 thank you so much ☺️. sending huge hugs right back at you🥰🥰
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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,416 Part of The Furniture
    edited July 23
    Aw I'm so glad it was helpful @violynenjoyer!
    I have told people, but i usually pass it off as a funny story, something that i can laugh about. I dont want people to worry too much. My sister who as i said, doesnt live with us anymore is is the only one i actually be serious with, often calling her while im crying and she lets me just vent. But its not the same as her being here, you know? Ive also never told her about the suicidal thoughts. thats something ive never disclosed until now, i feel safest here.
    Oh totally. I think we feel most connected to people when they're here with us, and as much as someone might care about us, it's not quite the same when it's remote.

    If you did want to consider telling someone you trust about your home life, that is an option and potentially something this community could help with. Like if you wanted help wording something or deciding who you could bring into the situation. :)

    It takes a lot of courage to say you've felt suicidal for the first time, so I want to celebrate that for a moment too. Obvioulsy not the fact you feel suicidal haha, but you know, being able to name it and say it out loud can take a lot of the power away from those feelings, so well done.

    Are suicidal thoughts something you're getting at the moment / have you had them recently?
    Im going to be studying psychology! its probably the reason i was able to correctly identify so many of my parents behaviours so quickly tbh. im nervous because of the change and moving out into the dorms. i have a hard time making friends and maintaining friendships due to my autism and also how much my parents have fucked me up probably. but im excited to be studying something im passionate about so maybe ill make likeminded friends that way.
    That's awesome! Good for you - there are loads of folks here with an interest in psychology. Fully get the nerves though. You may have seen it but there's a good thread in Health & Wellbeing at the moment on how to make friends (with some consideration for neurodivergence) which might be of interest to you.

    Uni is a whole different culture to school, and I wonder if the freedom from your home life will give you some of what you need to take on that new kind of challenge. :) A lot of people I know would say they 'found their people' at university, but it can be a lot of pressure too.

    PS, late response 🤦
    The truth resists simplicity.
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