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Dreaming

JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
I'm in a very rambly mood right now lol. I feel strange. I don't feel good but I wouldn't say I feel too bad either. So I've written something and thought I'd share it cause why not. It's very short so I might add more later but I don't want to force anything that might make it worse.

I started dreaming, dreaming unike I've ever dreamed before.
I started caring, caring unlike I've ever cared before.
I stopped falling, cause I'm already in the floor.
I want to change, change into someone I've never been before.
Believe in me - who believes in you
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    Terry8936Terry8936 Posts: 271 The Mix Regular
    @JJLemon18 It's good to see your sharing. Expressing your thoughts and feelings can be a therapeutic way to process what's going on. Also, I find dreaming fascinating as well!
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @Terry8936 you mean dreaming as the thing that happens when we sleep, right? I was kinda worried people will interpret it that way. I meant dreaming as in "it's my dream to release my own music" for example. If that makes sense??
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    LydsRose9LydsRose9 Posts: 106 The Mix Convert
    What you’ve written is really great @JJLemon18 ! You are clearly very talented, and hopefully getting these things down in writing will help you mentally too! I look forward to reading more if/when you feel ready to do more😊
    Keep fighting the good fight!
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Hi @JJLemon18 , I find this piece of poem/prose intriguing and it has a kind of ethereal feel to it. It's a lovely piece of expression :3
    I know my interpretation may be in no way related to what you wrote it about haha, but I wanted to share it in case it was interesting to you - it reminds me of the way I feel at times when my own dissociation is less strong, if that makes sense. Most of the time I feel really stuck and numb, but sometimes certain things can influence me to feel more 'woken up' emotionally and cognitively, less brain-fogged and more 'alive'. That's when I feel a sense of, as you put it, 'caring unlike I've ever cared before,' wanting to 'change into someone I've never been before', because things suddenly seem to matter in a way that feels real to me.
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @LydsRose9 Aw thank you so much! :3 It really means a lot. Comments like this make me want to write more haha.

    I'm very curious though. How do you all write poems and 'creative' stuff like this? Cause I kinda just get random thoughts popping into my head and I sometimes write them down if they're good. I can't really come up with stuff, the stuff comes to me lol. If that makes sense?
    This took me like 5-10 minutes to write and then I thought I should add more but spent 30 minutes and couldn't write anything more that fit and made sense. I have no idea if that's much or not.
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @sputnik wow yes, thank you so much for sharing your interpretation and thoughts, it makes me so happy to hear someone analyse my stuff haha =)

    You could say it's like that. I totally get what you mean! May I ask tho, does your dissociation feel like it's triggered at certain points during the day, or is it more constant, where you kinda feel disconnected most of the time with only a few moments where it gets a little better for a while. Cause mine is like the second one, and what you wrote makes me believe yours is too. I wouldnt say I specifically chose to write about this but instead it kinda happened subconsciously. Sorry if I'm making no sense lol, I find it incredibly hard describing my thoughts sometimes. But that makes me so glad when other people can describe what I'm feeling better than I can, which is exactly what you just did ;)
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    Ngl I have reread my last reply and it's the most incoherent thing I've probably ever wrote lol. Even I am confused. I think my brain just isn't working right now. I am so sorry for anyone who tries to read it xD
    @sputnik if you want I can try to rewrite it in a way that makes more sense? I really wouldn't mind doing that :)
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 407 Listening Ear
    JJLemon18 wrote: »
    How do you all write poems and 'creative' stuff like this? Cause I kinda just get random thoughts popping into my head and I sometimes write them down if they're good. I can't really come up with stuff, the stuff comes to me lol. If that makes sense?
    This took me like 5-10 minutes to write and then I thought I should add more but spent 30 minutes and couldn't write anything more that fit and made sense. I have no idea if that's much or not.

    @JJLemon18 Your poem is really moving and eloquent! I never actually intended to write any poetry as such and just dumped a lot of disorganised thoughts/feelings into my notes app on my phone. I recently looked back on these and formatted them so they read more like poems rather than messy paragraphs and gave them titles. It's interesting to look back on as they reflect my mental health journey, with many being written in 2021 so it's quite nice to reflect back on past and present feelings. I've written some long poems with extended versions and some that are quite short, but the nice thing about poetry is there's not really much rules to it.
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Hey @JJLemon18 , don't worry I didn't find your reply confusing at all! As for your question, yes I definitely align more with the second example (feeling disconnected most of the time, with occasional glimpses outside it), however in the last year or so I've been finding those windows of connection are happening more frequently, and I'm getting more of an idea of what triggers/influences affect this, at least I think so. How do you feel at the moment? (No pressure to answer of course! :) )

    I write poetry sometimes and I often find that it just sort of comes from somewhere subconscious too, like the words are happening but I'm not really sure what they mean, if anything (or if I just like the sound/rhythm of the words together), sometimes it feels like the only way to express an abstract feeling that's floating around in your head/body and you can't catch it and put words to it, I guess?
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    edited September 2023
    P.S. sometimes it's not even the words' meanings themselves that I'm using, but more the sound of the words to create a 'shape' that seems to fit or at least come close to what I feel. That probably makes no sense whatsoever XD But I guess I'm trying to say that poetry/writing in general can be kind of tactile?
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,958 Community Veteran
    Writing and poetry can be a great way of unloading unnecessary baggage and thoughts and feelings. I love being able to write about things that matter to me the most. I think @JJLemon18 and @sputnik you got great skills especially writing poetry as it can be very therapeutic to do. I don't write poetry but I enjoy creative writing and script writing. <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @lunarcat522 Thank you! Recently I too have started to write down my thoughts into a note app haha, but when I look at them theres no way I'm turning them into anything 'poetic', they're just too messy. Which btw is a big problem for me, cause the more I write down the more it stresses me out that its such a mess. I'm too sentimental with stuff to just delete all those thoughts, but I'm also too lazy to sort them out into something thats less messy xD
    I've written some long poems with extended versions and some that are quite short, but the nice thing about poetry is there's not really much rules to it.
    That's true, this is actually something that I've learnt while being here on the mix. Poems are supposed to convey what you want to get across, not what people want you to get across if that makes sense. They're meant to be important to you and not anybody else. Cause when I write stuff I'm so hesitant at posting it because I think to myself "does this sound like a poem?", "does it make sense?" etc. Thank you so much! :)


    @sputnik Really? You're like the first person I've heard to feel the same way then. When I tell people I dissociate or feel 'disconnected' they always ask me things like "do you know what triggers it?" and I'm just like "well no. Its there all the time."
    I most often get these moments of feeling 'awake' during long car trips, especially while listening to music. It often makes me emotional and I tell myself "I'm gonna change my life" and I feel motivated for once, yet that disappears as soon as we arrive...

    At the moment I'm feeling strange, everything feels kind of foggy. I find it very hard to think straight, as you can probably tell from my replies haha. Thanks for asking tho :) How about you, how are you feeling?
    sputnik wrote: »
    I write poetry sometimes and I often find that it just sort of comes from somewhere subconscious too, like the words are happening but I'm not really sure what they mean, if anything (or if I just like the sound/rhythm of the words together), sometimes it feels like the only way to express an abstract feeling that's floating around in your head/body and you can't catch it and put words to it, I guess?
    Yup I think you nailed that, I would say I'm exactly the same. And yea, it makes a lot of sense when you say it has more to do with feeling rather than the meaning of specific words.

    Sending hugs <3
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    @JJLemon18 I know what you mean! Especially in mental health questionnaires when it says something like 'how often do you experience dissociation' and I'm like... constantly? As you say, I don't have periods of dissociation so much as that it is the default that I am triggered out of, at least partially, at times. However, I have OCD as well and sometimes intrusive thoughts relating to the dissociation can get triggered, if that makes sense? I'm pretty familiar with them now and I try not to dwell on the thoughts when they happen these days, and to let them go.

    That's really interesting about finding you feel more awakened on car trips! That makes sense to me, even though funnily enough I usually find the opposite happens for me (I often feel MORE dissociated on car journeys and when listening to music, even though I love the feeling of both). I know that feeling of stronger emotions being brought out by music or other happenings, and a sense that things matter again and suddenly you can see more options/possibilities etc, and it's really disheartening when the feeling goes again; my advice is though, don't let yourself be disheartened overall. I've come to the conclusion that both states are kind of extremes (i.e. 'I feel nothing, I have no direction' and 'I feel so much, there's so much I could/want to do') and when you're flipping between the two they can seem like worlds apart, whereas actually most of the time, the ideal is somewhere in the middle :) After all, chances are that if you're experiencing dissociation then you probably feel intensely as a person, hence the need to dampen that intensity - but you can get to a place where you can exist in that middle-ground, sometimes it just takes a while :) (I hope that sounds helpful rather than patronizing... :# )

    Sorry to hear you're feeling so foggy, it's hard to feel any motivation in that state of mind. I'm feeling pretty foggy too, trying to get myself to get up and do something with my day instead of mindlessly scrolling through social media XD I keep wanting to do some creative writing but when I try to start, all my motivation disappears.

    Wow this is a long post, my apologies! Sending hugs back <3
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @sputnik Since I havent heard of anyone else who felt the same way as me (before I met you), I have started trying to explain to myself why I feel the way I do. And one of my theories is that the 'default' dissociation that I'm feeling isn't dissociation at all, it's actually normal, the same way most other people feel. And the moments where I feel better, that I think are 'normal', are moments where I just feel hyperaware in a way. And so in comparison this 'normal' state feels like dissociation. This probably makes no sense and I have no idea how to explain it lol. Basically I feel like it's dissociation when in reality it's not. I was a very hyperaware kid and so now this normal feeling feels wrong... idk.
    sputnik wrote: »
    However, I have OCD as well and sometimes intrusive thoughts relating to the dissociation can get triggered, if that makes sense?
    Honestly no, I don't think I get that, sorry :( Though having OCD and intrusive thoughts on top of dissociation sounds rough <3
    I recon I have a couple of mental heath conditions (I think that's what they're called) but I have never gotten anything tested so I have no diagnosis yet. I don't even know how I could get them lol.

    It is interesting how you feel the opposite. To me music just makes me feel more alive yk. Though sometimes I can get so entranced in a good song that it does disconnect me, so I understand that.

    And no it doesn't sound patronising, I kinda hate when people say that after giving advice haha. I appreciate it! And I totally get what you mean. Thank you.

    Sorry to hear you're feeling foggy too. Again, I absolutely feel the same way! Mindlessly scrolling through social media (or also playing video games in my case) and having no motivation for nothing else. You won't believe how many 'creative' stuff I started writing that I just left unfinished (or barely even started). Usually I get I cool idea and I want to write but the second I start my mind goes blank and I'm like "nah, I'll do it later".

    No need to apologise, trust me, this is not a long post ;) Its nice getting to talk with someone who understands.
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    edited September 2023
    @JJLemon18 interesting, yes I've had similar thoughts at times also, i.e. 'is it actually just that I overthink so much that I have this idea of what feeling 'normal' is like which is just unrealistic? And actually it's just that most people don't over-question these things and get on with stuff?' which to a certain extent I think is true, but then I think overthinking is part of the dissociation, as it's one of the ways I subconsciously distance myself from the outside world... so in a way it's swings and roundabouts, as they say. I can definitely relate to the hyperaware thing, I think I was probably a pretty hyperaware kid too (although it's always hard to know), and I get ridiculously tangled up in thoughts and meta-thoughts and so on that half the time I don't understand what my thoughts even mean. Then the OCD comes in and wants to make sense of everything, so I ruminate on it until I'm super confused and dissociated - again I try to notice when that's happening, these days, and nip it in the bud more often.

    Are you seeing anyone about how you're feeling (therapist, psychiatrist etc)? I just started with someone new, going to start EMDR next week with her. So far I really like her!

    Having said that it makes me more dissociated, sometimes music does make me feel more alive, I guess it depends on the situation - if I'm already feeling particularly foggy, then music kinda drags me more into my head, whereas if I feel emotional then music helps sort of process it I think? What kind of music do you like?

    Ugh yes, I have so many notes about things I want to write but the resistance to actually starting anything is incredible :s I guess it happens when it happens though!

    It's really nice to talk to someone who understands too! I haven't really spoken to anyone who experiences this stuff so it's reassuring to be reminded that I'm not the only one XD
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @sputnik Yes I totally get that! I don't really have much else to add.

    I am currently seeing a councillor who has given me a couple of good advice but not really any therapist or psychiatrist of sorts. Tho I do have an appointment for an initial assessment with mental heath professionals on the 20th (Finally after so many months of waiting!)
    I havent really had anyone before, beside one uni therapist who I had for 7 sessions but that was before I really had any idea what I was struggling with so she didnt help much. I really regret not reaching out for support earlier in my life, only recently have I been trying to get any support, and now it feels a little late :/ It's complicated, and I won't bore you with the details of my messed up life haha.

    I'm glad you like her, I really hope the sessions can help you so you can start feeling better!

    And again, I totally understand what you mean with music. Music is truly incredible if you think about it.
    I love all sorts of music, but lately though I'm really into electronic music. I mainly like heavy hitting music like rock but admittedly I have way too many pop songs in my playlist lol. How about you? (I could honestly talk about music all day)

    You won't believe how reassuring it is to me to know that I'm not the only one either, so I'm really glad you decided to join here! Now if I ever need anything I'll know who to come to hehe ;)
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 407 Listening Ear
    @sputnik What's your experience of EMDR like? I'm considering it myself as I likely have c-PTSD not yet diagnosed and struggle with emotional flashbacks, physical manifestations of stress such as tics, as well as periods of dissociation.

    I don't know too much about EMDR which is why I'm a bit apprehensive to give it a go (if I'm eligable/accepted)
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    @JJLemon18 that's good you have that appointment, it can take forever I know :s I hope it goes well and you're able to get some more support through it. I've had a few therapists now and I've clicked better with some than with others, as is natural!
    I really regret not reaching out for support earlier in my life, only recently have I been trying to get any support, and now it feels a little late :/
    Aww mate, I honestly understand that feeling as well; but 1. it's never too late, and 2. you're still so early in your life! I often feel like I missed out on a lot of stuff as a teenager and young adult though because of my MH issues etc so I sympathize greatly <3

    Music is incredible, I totally agree! That sounds cool, my music repertoire isn't very wide really but I like some rock too, as well as folk and indie, and yeah I have more pop songs in my playlist than I'd like to admit as well :lol: Do you find heavier/more energetic music makes you feel 'woken up' the most? Or does it vary a lot? I tend to find any music that makes me feel sad or energized has that effect.

    Sure feel free to message any time if you want to :3 I wasn't sure if I'd be able to relate to anyone but I'm definitely glad I joined this forum now :smile:


    @lunarcat522 Hiya! I haven't actually started EMDR yet, hopefully gonna begin this week so I can give you an update soon on that :blush: I have been informed by several different people that it's 'very weird', in that it's pretty different from any other therapy (as far as I know) but that it can be really helpful and beneficial. My mum had it a few years ago and she reckoned it helped her a lot, even with things that initially seemed unrelated to her issues (like that she no longer had anxiety around talking on the telephone). I sought EMDR for similar reasons to you, I reckon I have some element of c-PTSD and despite years of talking therapy I've not been able to get to a place where I can even go out on my own without a lot of anxiety. The woman I'm seeing described EMDR to me as a 'bottom-up' approach, whereas most talking therapies are more of a 'top-down' approach, both can be highly affective/helpful in different people with different issues, but the former may be more effective in treating PTSD and c-PTSD symptoms (and make it more possible for talking therapy to be helpful, as a result) - I found a link which describes it much like she did here :smile:

    Sorry to hear you struggle with emotional flashbacks and so on, it sounds really rough <3 Have you had any other types of therapy so far, if it's OK to ask? No pressure to respond! :)
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 407 Listening Ear
    @sputnik I've had free counselling 2x 8 block sessions but I sort of felt like I came to the end of the line in how much it was benefitting me and the counsellor even agreed I was getting a bit out of their expertise and recommended seeing a trauma specialist of some kind. I was just wondering whether it's something I should look into as I can just tell a ton of stuff like memories and emotions are being suppressed and then manifesting physically so I was just wondering if it's something I should consider really
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    @lunarcat522 Obviously I'm no expert but it definitely does sound to me like EMDR would be good to try/consider, especially as it's been recommended by a counselor for you to see a trauma specialist. I believe there are other 'bottom-up' type therapies as well as EMDR, like Somatic Experiencing Therapy, I don't know a lot about it but it's to do with getting in touch with your body and processing trauma through movement I think.
    This link tells you a bit about how EMDR works, if you need more info :)

    Also, if you don't know of her already I recommend a Youtube channel called 'Crappy Childhood Fairy', she talks a lot about c-PTSD, dysregulation, flashbacks etc and has free tools which can help :) Her website is here.
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 407 Listening Ear
    @sputnik Thank you so much that's really useful, I'd also consider DBT if the NHS offers that. I've done CBT before but I've heard it's not brilliant for trauma unless the therapist is well informed
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @sputnik Thank you so much! :)

    And yea, I too really regret that I missed so many experiences and stuff in my life. I just didn't know better at the time, and I had no one to tell me otherwise. But alright you get the point.
    I wanted to mention something about what you said in your first post. You said this
    I don't feel 23, I often feel like I can't believe how much time has passed since I was a teenager
    And once I read that I realised I feel almost exactly the same! I'm still "only" 20 and I have these weird thoughts sometimes where I feel like I was literally born yesterday. Literally put right into the life of a random 20 year old with absolutely no guidance on how to live. The thought of still struggling like this at the age of 23 is terrifying and makes me so sad <3
    I also recently thought of a strange (but effective) way to explain how I feel but it's a little much... I think it could be kinda triggering so I'm not sure if I should say it.

    I wouldn't say I'm a fan of folk music but funny enough there is a Polish band that I really really love (would even say they're my #1 fav band) who make folk-rock/pop music so idk haha.
    It varies a lot, generally most music can make me feel 'woken up'. Mostly happy and energetic music I think. I try not to listen to many sad songs because 1) Well... they make me sad. And 2) I just don't really like them most of the time, they're a little boring to me.

    And thank you haha :3 I'm always here too if you need! My PMs are always open :)
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    @sputnik Thank you so much that's really useful, I'd also consider DBT if the NHS offers that. I've done CBT before but I've heard it's not brilliant for trauma unless the therapist is well informed

    No worries glad to be of help! I've had some CBT, personally I think that CBT can be really useful if it's used in combination with other approaches, rather than stand-alone (although some people do benefit from a pure-CBT approach but as you say, I think it doesn't work terribly well with trauma a lot of the time - I often found that although I understood the logic behind the techniques I was given in CBT and the approaches made a lot of sense to me, I just couldn't make them happen in my own head because there were too many barriers caused by trauma/other things. That's just my experience though :)

    And once I read that I realised I feel almost exactly the same! I'm still "only" 20 and I have these weird thoughts sometimes where I feel like I was literally born yesterday. Literally put right into the life of a random 20 year old with absolutely no guidance on how to live. The thought of still struggling like this at the age of 23 is terrifying and makes me so sad <3

    Ugh yes!! I so understand what you mean, it's so disconcerting and often frightening - I sometimes just get a feeling of 'hang on, I'm here, in this particular person, and this person next to me is my mum, and my life is like this...' as if I've just been dropped into a random body, like you said. It's like I'm watching another person's life. But it reassures me a bit to remember that it's just depersonalization, however real and scary it feels; just another brain defense mechanism trying to protect me. It's hard to believe it sometimes but it's true, and it can be changed.

    Ohh I like folk/rock type bands, I like that combination of genres a lot :D Hehe I listen to quite a lot of sad songs at the moment, it feels comforting to me to feel sad when I feel numb so much of the time.

    Thank you that's good to know! :blush: Sorry I feel like I'm monopolizing your thread a bit, there's always so much in my head I want to say haha.

    EDIT:
    I also recently thought of a strange (but effective) way to explain how I feel but it's a little much... I think it could be kinda triggering so I'm not sure if I should say it.
    You could always put it in a spoiler-box thing, or if you wanna message me that's fine too - I'm not particularly triggered by this stuff, and it's reassuring to know other people experience similar things. But it's also fine if you don't want to share it! :D
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    edited September 2023
    Hmm that's odd, I posted a reply but it's disappeared - will wait a bit and see if it shows up, if not I'll edit this post and write it again.

    EDIT: OK I think it's vanished :grey_question:
    @sputnik Thank you so much that's really useful, I'd also consider DBT if the NHS offers that. I've done CBT before but I've heard it's not brilliant for trauma unless the therapist is well informed

    No problem glad to be of help! How did you find CBT? I've done some of that too, personally I think it can be really helpful if it's in combination with other approaches (like in integrative therapy), but as a stand-alone thing it's often not that great for trauma as you say. I found that even though I could understand the techniques I was taught and that they made a lot of sense logically, I just couldn't seem to get my brain to apply them effectively, I think because there were too many barriers caused by trauma/other stuff in the way and I couldn't focus. But that's just my experience :)
    And once I read that I realised I feel almost exactly the same! I'm still "only" 20 and I have these weird thoughts sometimes where I feel like I was literally born yesterday. Literally put right into the life of a random 20 year old with absolutely no guidance on how to live. The thought of still struggling like this at the age of 23 is terrifying and makes me so sad <3
    I also recently thought of a strange (but effective) way to explain how I feel but it's a little much... I think it could be kinda triggering so I'm not sure if I should say it.

    Ugh yes!! I so get this, you've hit the nail on the head. These days when I get those kinds of feelings though, I remind myself that even though it feels really real and weird, it's just depersonalization; just another brain defense mechanism trying to protect me. It's sometimes hard to believe it but it does reassure me a bit and helps me get back to a more grounded place. Btw if you want to say more but are worried about it being triggering you can always use the spoiler tags, or you're welcome to message me (I'm not generally triggered by this stuff), but equally fine if you don't want to :)

    Re music, oh I like the combination of folk and rock together :D Hehe I listen to quite a lot of sad songs at the moment, it feels comforting to feel sad when I just feel numb so much of the time.

    Thankyou, that's good to know! :blush: Sorry I feel like I've monopolized your thread a bit :sweat_smile:
    Post edited by sputnik on
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @sputnik oh yeah that apparently happens sometimes, the post should appear a bit later. Maybe I'll wait to properly respond when it does.

    I've heard that just talking about dissociation to someone else who is also struggling with dissociation can be very triggering, but I'm not 100% sure how that works. I wouldnt say I get triggered by this kind of stuff either, I'm very resilient to triggers hehe.
    But okay (BIG TW!)
    This might sound very weird, I know. But I recently thought to myself that I feel like I died some time ago (say around a year ago) and my mind's consciousness is still dreaming and is imagining what my life might look like if I was still alive. Crazy I know xD. And don't get me wrong, I am completely aware I'm alive lol, its just this weird feeling a can't explain. I feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago, my approach to life and everything has changed so much. In a way this feels like a completely different life I'm in right now. But I still know its the same. If anyone reads this then I'm really curious what you think about this.

    And yea I totally understand sad music being comforting, it makes you feel less alone in a way. Kind of like a hug from the artist. Sorry to hear you're feeling numb a lot of the time <3 I get that too.

    And absolutely don't worry about it, you can talk here as much as you want I really don't mind. That also means more people get to see my poem so thank you hehehe ;)
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @sputnik oh it's already back haha.
    I sometimes just get a feeling of 'hang on, I'm here, in this particular person, and this person next to me is my mum, and my life is like this...' as if I've just been dropped into a random body, like you said. It's like I'm watching another person's life.
    Exactly!!!

    You also said there's always so much in your head you want to share. I feel the exact same! I've been in this community for like half a year now and I still feel like I'm posting wayy too much because of all the things I still want to say. I think its just the fact that's its been building up inside me for all these years with no one to really talk to about it. Now that I have a place to share my thoughts and experiences I want to say absolutely everything! :lol:
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Ahh OK that's embarrassing, two versions of the same message :lol: Oh well I'll remember that happens in future haha!

    Just spoilering this too in case it's difficult for anyone else:
    JJLemon18 wrote: »
    This might sound very weird, I know. But I recently thought to myself that I feel like I died some time ago (say around a year ago) and my mind's consciousness is still dreaming and is imagining what my life might look like if I was still alive.
    Interesting! I haven't had the exact same kind of thoughts but I've definitely had similar, existential (often intrusive) thoughts (and I guess most people do at one time or another, just that when you experience dissociation they can feel very intense). I feel like I even had weird thoughts a bit like that as a child. Also if you naturally have an inclination towards philosophical thinking then that can add to it (not that there's anything wrong with being philosophical!) Are you distressed by those kind of thoughts or more curious, confused etc? I think at the end of the day it's all part of the same thing, your brain creating a feeling of distance from yourself in order to distance you from difficult feelings, and it will use your imagination, experiences etc in order to do that :) In my case, it seems to use my OCD to try to perpetuate those kinds of existential questions.
    And yea I totally understand sad music being comforting, it makes you feel less alone in a way. Kind of like a hug from the artist. Sorry to hear you're feeling numb a lot of the time <3 I get that too.

    And absolutely don't worry about it, you can talk here as much as you want I really don't mind. That also means more people get to see my poem so thank you hehehe ;)
    Thankyou, and oh yeah good point! :lol:
    You also said there's always so much in your head you want to share. I feel the exact same! I've been in this community for like half a year now and I still feel like I'm posting wayy too much because of all the things I still want to say. I think its just the fact that's its been building up inside me for all these years with no one to really talk to about it. Now that I have a place to share my thoughts and experiences I want to say absolutely everything! :lol:
    That makes sense, I'm sorry you've not really had anyone to talk to about it for so long <3 I find it easier sometimes to write this stuff too, gives me more time to think it out and feels less intense than speaking (although speaking is important too).
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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    JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,922 Extreme Poster
    @sputnik oh I'm very philosophical! The things my mind comes up sometimes scare me :lol: But I don't think I'm necessarily 'distressed' by those thoughts, cause I know they're just my thoughts after all. They do make me worry a bit sometimes tho, but not too much. My logical thinking is 'mostly' functional (I think at least) so I still consciously tell what's true or what is my imagination.
    Think of a movie for example, if something distressing happens in that movie it can make you feel sad or emotional but you still know its just a movie, those emotions will stay with that movie, you wouldn't feel bad for an actor who you watched get robbed for example. Yet in real life you know everything is, well - real. Yet the problem I seem to have is this distance to real emotions, where I know something is real, yet I wouldn't feel much. In fact, last night I had a dream where I woke up feeling the most intense sad emotions I havent felt for a long long time. I literally couldn't stop myself from crying, which isnt me at all, I barely ever cry! Those emotions were real, and I knew that, but they were caused by a dream that wasn't real at all! Sorry for rambling so much haha, I'm still trying to process what that was.

    It's okay, there's no need to feel sorry. Honestly, after so much time I just didn't know that having someone to talk to was something I needed, I was used to living in silence, I was okay with it. I never even noticed how much I was struggling at the time, and that is something that hurts me the most right now, now that I finally understand what I was missing.
    Sorry I also have this bad habit of constantly talking about myself. Someone tells me how much they struggle and I immediately start going on about how much I'm struggling too. I just don't know what else to say.

    And I too absolutely prefer writing rather than talking!! Writing gives me this time and space that talking doesn't, there's no pressure that comes with talking and I can think carefully about what I want to say, especially since I think so slow. When I have to say something quickly my brain just goes blank and I fail to say anything at all. Which is again why I find so much comfort in this community.

    I think I need to stop replying to people in the evenings otherwise I end up writing too much haha. Sorry! :lol:
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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    lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 407 Listening Ear
    sputnik wrote: »

    No problem glad to be of help! How did you find CBT? I've done some of that too, personally I think it can be really helpful if it's in combination with other approaches (like in integrative therapy), but as a stand-alone thing it's often not that great for trauma as you say. I found that even though I could understand the techniques I was taught and that they made a lot of sense logically, I just couldn't seem to get my brain to apply them effectively, I think because there were too many barriers caused by trauma/other stuff in the way and I couldn't focus.

    I found it alright but when I did it, it was for anxiety and I found that when I was assigned tasks my worry of the reaction of therapist overrode the fear of the tasks! So it wasn't great when I stopped. I also did computerised CBT but found that too difficult because it's essentially self-directed. I agree, I'm not sure how much CBT would help me trauma-wise, I'm actually quite self-aware, but it doesn't stop me from reacting to triggers.
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    sputniksputnik Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    @JJLemon18 Interesting what you said about fiction/reality, I find that I tend to get over-absorbed in fiction and am easily made emotional by it, whereas like you say, real life feels distant and foggy much of the time. If strong emotions in me get triggered by someone being angry with me then I'll cry and feel very intensely for a while, but most of the time I don't feel a huge amount about my real life. That sounds like a really intense dream, I think dreams are very real in the sense that they give voice to your inaccessible thoughts/feelings (however cryptically, haha). Occasionally I get REALLY angry dreams, where I pretty much just scream at everyone in them :lol:
    Sorry I also have this bad habit of constantly talking about myself. Someone tells me how much they struggle and I immediately start going on about how much I'm struggling too. I just don't know what else to say.
    Ohh don't worry I have the exact same fear, always worried about getting the balance right. I don't think you're talking about yourself too much at all, and anyway it's your thread and your experiences so go for it! :D That's what we're on this forum for anyway innit.
    I found it alright but when I did it, it was for anxiety and I found that when I was assigned tasks my worry of the reaction of therapist overrode the fear of the tasks! So it wasn't great when I stopped. I also did computerised CBT but found that too difficult because it's essentially self-directed. I agree, I'm not sure how much CBT would help me trauma-wise, I'm actually quite self-aware, but it doesn't stop me from reacting to triggers.

    Ahh interesting! Makes sense. Self-direction is hard enough at the best of times, let alone when you're struggling with trauma symptoms etc. Sounds like you could do with a more compassionate kind of therapy, emotional support as well as help with managing the issues themselves. That's often the trouble with CBT, as far as I know it tends to be short-term and kind of impersonal (although obviously varies depending on the therapist), which can be fine if there aren't underlying issues that need to be addressed but if there are then you probably need something more. That's my take on it anyway, as someone with 0 qualifications XD
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself


    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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