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Dreaming
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,082 Boards Champion
I'm in a very rambly mood right now lol. I feel strange. I don't feel good but I wouldn't say I feel too bad either. So I've written something and thought I'd share it cause why not. It's very short so I might add more later but I don't want to force anything that might make it worse.
I started dreaming, dreaming unike I've ever dreamed before.
I started caring, caring unlike I've ever cared before.
I stopped falling, cause I'm already in the floor.
I want to change, change into someone I've never been before.
I started dreaming, dreaming unike I've ever dreamed before.
I started caring, caring unlike I've ever cared before.
I stopped falling, cause I'm already in the floor.
I want to change, change into someone I've never been before.
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
I know my interpretation may be in no way related to what you wrote it about haha, but I wanted to share it in case it was interesting to you - it reminds me of the way I feel at times when my own dissociation is less strong, if that makes sense. Most of the time I feel really stuck and numb, but sometimes certain things can influence me to feel more 'woken up' emotionally and cognitively, less brain-fogged and more 'alive'. That's when I feel a sense of, as you put it, 'caring unlike I've ever cared before,' wanting to 'change into someone I've never been before', because things suddenly seem to matter in a way that feels real to me.
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
I'm very curious though. How do you all write poems and 'creative' stuff like this? Cause I kinda just get random thoughts popping into my head and I sometimes write them down if they're good. I can't really come up with stuff, the stuff comes to me lol. If that makes sense?
This took me like 5-10 minutes to write and then I thought I should add more but spent 30 minutes and couldn't write anything more that fit and made sense. I have no idea if that's much or not.
You could say it's like that. I totally get what you mean! May I ask tho, does your dissociation feel like it's triggered at certain points during the day, or is it more constant, where you kinda feel disconnected most of the time with only a few moments where it gets a little better for a while. Cause mine is like the second one, and what you wrote makes me believe yours is too. I wouldnt say I specifically chose to write about this but instead it kinda happened subconsciously. Sorry if I'm making no sense lol, I find it incredibly hard describing my thoughts sometimes. But that makes me so glad when other people can describe what I'm feeling better than I can, which is exactly what you just did
@sputnik if you want I can try to rewrite it in a way that makes more sense? I really wouldn't mind doing that
@JJLemon18 Your poem is really moving and eloquent! I never actually intended to write any poetry as such and just dumped a lot of disorganised thoughts/feelings into my notes app on my phone. I recently looked back on these and formatted them so they read more like poems rather than messy paragraphs and gave them titles. It's interesting to look back on as they reflect my mental health journey, with many being written in 2021 so it's quite nice to reflect back on past and present feelings. I've written some long poems with extended versions and some that are quite short, but the nice thing about poetry is there's not really much rules to it.
I write poetry sometimes and I often find that it just sort of comes from somewhere subconscious too, like the words are happening but I'm not really sure what they mean, if anything (or if I just like the sound/rhythm of the words together), sometimes it feels like the only way to express an abstract feeling that's floating around in your head/body and you can't catch it and put words to it, I guess?
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
That's true, this is actually something that I've learnt while being here on the mix. Poems are supposed to convey what you want to get across, not what people want you to get across if that makes sense. They're meant to be important to you and not anybody else. Cause when I write stuff I'm so hesitant at posting it because I think to myself "does this sound like a poem?", "does it make sense?" etc. Thank you so much!
@sputnik Really? You're like the first person I've heard to feel the same way then. When I tell people I dissociate or feel 'disconnected' they always ask me things like "do you know what triggers it?" and I'm just like "well no. Its there all the time."
I most often get these moments of feeling 'awake' during long car trips, especially while listening to music. It often makes me emotional and I tell myself "I'm gonna change my life" and I feel motivated for once, yet that disappears as soon as we arrive...
At the moment I'm feeling strange, everything feels kind of foggy. I find it very hard to think straight, as you can probably tell from my replies haha. Thanks for asking tho
Yup I think you nailed that, I would say I'm exactly the same. And yea, it makes a lot of sense when you say it has more to do with feeling rather than the meaning of specific words.
Sending hugs
That's really interesting about finding you feel more awakened on car trips! That makes sense to me, even though funnily enough I usually find the opposite happens for me (I often feel MORE dissociated on car journeys and when listening to music, even though I love the feeling of both). I know that feeling of stronger emotions being brought out by music or other happenings, and a sense that things matter again and suddenly you can see more options/possibilities etc, and it's really disheartening when the feeling goes again; my advice is though, don't let yourself be disheartened overall. I've come to the conclusion that both states are kind of extremes (i.e. 'I feel nothing, I have no direction' and 'I feel so much, there's so much I could/want to do') and when you're flipping between the two they can seem like worlds apart, whereas actually most of the time, the ideal is somewhere in the middle
Sorry to hear you're feeling so foggy, it's hard to feel any motivation in that state of mind. I'm feeling pretty foggy too, trying to get myself to get up and do something with my day instead of mindlessly scrolling through social media XD I keep wanting to do some creative writing but when I try to start, all my motivation disappears.
Wow this is a long post, my apologies! Sending hugs back
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Honestly no, I don't think I get that, sorry
I recon I have a couple of mental heath conditions (I think that's what they're called) but I have never gotten anything tested so I have no diagnosis yet. I don't even know how I could get them lol.
It is interesting how you feel the opposite. To me music just makes me feel more alive yk. Though sometimes I can get so entranced in a good song that it does disconnect me, so I understand that.
And no it doesn't sound patronising, I kinda hate when people say that after giving advice haha. I appreciate it! And I totally get what you mean. Thank you.
Sorry to hear you're feeling foggy too. Again, I absolutely feel the same way! Mindlessly scrolling through social media (or also playing video games in my case) and having no motivation for nothing else. You won't believe how many 'creative' stuff I started writing that I just left unfinished (or barely even started). Usually I get I cool idea and I want to write but the second I start my mind goes blank and I'm like "nah, I'll do it later".
No need to apologise, trust me, this is not a long post
Are you seeing anyone about how you're feeling (therapist, psychiatrist etc)? I just started with someone new, going to start EMDR next week with her. So far I really like her!
Having said that it makes me more dissociated, sometimes music does make me feel more alive, I guess it depends on the situation - if I'm already feeling particularly foggy, then music kinda drags me more into my head, whereas if I feel emotional then music helps sort of process it I think? What kind of music do you like?
Ugh yes, I have so many notes about things I want to write but the resistance to actually starting anything is incredible
It's really nice to talk to someone who understands too! I haven't really spoken to anyone who experiences this stuff so it's reassuring to be reminded that I'm not the only one XD
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
I am currently seeing a councillor who has given me a couple of good advice but not really any therapist or psychiatrist of sorts. Tho I do have an appointment for an initial assessment with mental heath professionals on the 20th (Finally after so many months of waiting!)
I havent really had anyone before, beside one uni therapist who I had for 7 sessions but that was before I really had any idea what I was struggling with so she didnt help much. I really regret not reaching out for support earlier in my life, only recently have I been trying to get any support, and now it feels a little late
I'm glad you like her, I really hope the sessions can help you so you can start feeling better!
And again, I totally understand what you mean with music. Music is truly incredible if you think about it.
I love all sorts of music, but lately though I'm really into electronic music. I mainly like heavy hitting music like rock but admittedly I have way too many pop songs in my playlist lol. How about you? (I could honestly talk about music all day)
You won't believe how reassuring it is to me to know that I'm not the only one either, so I'm really glad you decided to join here! Now if I ever need anything I'll know who to come to hehe
I don't know too much about EMDR which is why I'm a bit apprehensive to give it a go (if I'm eligable/accepted)
Aww mate, I honestly understand that feeling as well; but 1. it's never too late, and 2. you're still so early in your life! I often feel like I missed out on a lot of stuff as a teenager and young adult though because of my MH issues etc so I sympathize greatly
Music is incredible, I totally agree! That sounds cool, my music repertoire isn't very wide really but I like some rock too, as well as folk and indie, and yeah I have more pop songs in my playlist than I'd like to admit as well
Sure feel free to message any time if you want to
@lunarcat522 Hiya! I haven't actually started EMDR yet, hopefully gonna begin this week so I can give you an update soon on that
Sorry to hear you struggle with emotional flashbacks and so on, it sounds really rough
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
This link tells you a bit about how EMDR works, if you need more info
Also, if you don't know of her already I recommend a Youtube channel called 'Crappy Childhood Fairy', she talks a lot about c-PTSD, dysregulation, flashbacks etc and has free tools which can help
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
And yea, I too really regret that I missed so many experiences and stuff in my life. I just didn't know better at the time, and I had no one to tell me otherwise. But alright you get the point.
I wanted to mention something about what you said in your first post. You said this And once I read that I realised I feel almost exactly the same! I'm still "only" 20 and I have these weird thoughts sometimes where I feel like I was literally born yesterday. Literally put right into the life of a random 20 year old with absolutely no guidance on how to live. The thought of still struggling like this at the age of 23 is terrifying and makes me so sad
I also recently thought of a strange (but effective) way to explain how I feel but it's a little much... I think it could be kinda triggering so I'm not sure if I should say it.
I wouldn't say I'm a fan of folk music but funny enough there is a Polish band that I really really love (would even say they're my #1 fav band) who make folk-rock/pop music so idk haha.
It varies a lot, generally most music can make me feel 'woken up'. Mostly happy and energetic music I think. I try not to listen to many sad songs because 1) Well... they make me sad. And 2) I just don't really like them most of the time, they're a little boring to me.
And thank you haha
No worries glad to be of help! I've had some CBT, personally I think that CBT can be really useful if it's used in combination with other approaches, rather than stand-alone (although some people do benefit from a pure-CBT approach but as you say, I think it doesn't work terribly well with trauma a lot of the time - I often found that although I understood the logic behind the techniques I was given in CBT and the approaches made a lot of sense to me, I just couldn't make them happen in my own head because there were too many barriers caused by trauma/other things. That's just my experience though
Ugh yes!! I so understand what you mean, it's so disconcerting and often frightening - I sometimes just get a feeling of 'hang on, I'm here, in this particular person, and this person next to me is my mum, and my life is like this...' as if I've just been dropped into a random body, like you said. It's like I'm watching another person's life. But it reassures me a bit to remember that it's just depersonalization, however real and scary it feels; just another brain defense mechanism trying to protect me. It's hard to believe it sometimes but it's true, and it can be changed.
Ohh I like folk/rock type bands, I like that combination of genres a lot
Thank you that's good to know!
EDIT: You could always put it in a spoiler-box thing, or if you wanna message me that's fine too - I'm not particularly triggered by this stuff, and it's reassuring to know other people experience similar things. But it's also fine if you don't want to share it!
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
EDIT: OK I think it's vanished
No problem glad to be of help! How did you find CBT? I've done some of that too, personally I think it can be really helpful if it's in combination with other approaches (like in integrative therapy), but as a stand-alone thing it's often not that great for trauma as you say. I found that even though I could understand the techniques I was taught and that they made a lot of sense logically, I just couldn't seem to get my brain to apply them effectively, I think because there were too many barriers caused by trauma/other stuff in the way and I couldn't focus. But that's just my experience
Ugh yes!! I so get this, you've hit the nail on the head. These days when I get those kinds of feelings though, I remind myself that even though it feels really real and weird, it's just depersonalization; just another brain defense mechanism trying to protect me. It's sometimes hard to believe it but it does reassure me a bit and helps me get back to a more grounded place. Btw if you want to say more but are worried about it being triggering you can always use the spoiler tags, or you're welcome to message me (I'm not generally triggered by this stuff), but equally fine if you don't want to
Re music, oh I like the combination of folk and rock together
Thankyou, that's good to know!
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
I've heard that just talking about dissociation to someone else who is also struggling with dissociation can be very triggering, but I'm not 100% sure how that works. I wouldnt say I get triggered by this kind of stuff either, I'm very resilient to triggers hehe.
But okay (BIG TW!)
And yea I totally understand sad music being comforting, it makes you feel less alone in a way. Kind of like a hug from the artist. Sorry to hear you're feeling numb a lot of the time
And absolutely don't worry about it, you can talk here as much as you want I really don't mind. That also means more people get to see my poem so thank you hehehe
Exactly!!!
You also said there's always so much in your head you want to share. I feel the exact same! I've been in this community for like half a year now and I still feel like I'm posting wayy too much because of all the things I still want to say. I think its just the fact that's its been building up inside me for all these years with no one to really talk to about it. Now that I have a place to share my thoughts and experiences I want to say absolutely everything!
Just spoilering this too in case it's difficult for anyone else:
That makes sense, I'm sorry you've not really had anyone to talk to about it for so long
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Think of a movie for example, if something distressing happens in that movie it can make you feel sad or emotional but you still know its just a movie, those emotions will stay with that movie, you wouldn't feel bad for an actor who you watched get robbed for example. Yet in real life you know everything is, well - real. Yet the problem I seem to have is this distance to real emotions, where I know something is real, yet I wouldn't feel much. In fact, last night I had a dream where I woke up feeling the most intense sad emotions I havent felt for a long long time. I literally couldn't stop myself from crying, which isnt me at all, I barely ever cry! Those emotions were real, and I knew that, but they were caused by a dream that wasn't real at all! Sorry for rambling so much haha, I'm still trying to process what that was.
It's okay, there's no need to feel sorry. Honestly, after so much time I just didn't know that having someone to talk to was something I needed, I was used to living in silence, I was okay with it. I never even noticed how much I was struggling at the time, and that is something that hurts me the most right now, now that I finally understand what I was missing.
Sorry I also have this bad habit of constantly talking about myself. Someone tells me how much they struggle and I immediately start going on about how much I'm struggling too. I just don't know what else to say.
And I too absolutely prefer writing rather than talking!! Writing gives me this time and space that talking doesn't, there's no pressure that comes with talking and I can think carefully about what I want to say, especially since I think so slow. When I have to say something quickly my brain just goes blank and I fail to say anything at all. Which is again why I find so much comfort in this community.
I think I need to stop replying to people in the evenings otherwise I end up writing too much haha. Sorry!
I found it alright but when I did it, it was for anxiety and I found that when I was assigned tasks my worry of the reaction of therapist overrode the fear of the tasks! So it wasn't great when I stopped. I also did computerised CBT but found that too difficult because it's essentially self-directed. I agree, I'm not sure how much CBT would help me trauma-wise, I'm actually quite self-aware, but it doesn't stop me from reacting to triggers.
Ohh don't worry I have the exact same fear, always worried about getting the balance right. I don't think you're talking about yourself too much at all, and anyway it's your thread and your experiences so go for it!
Ahh interesting! Makes sense. Self-direction is hard enough at the best of times, let alone when you're struggling with trauma symptoms etc. Sounds like you could do with a more compassionate kind of therapy, emotional support as well as help with managing the issues themselves. That's often the trouble with CBT, as far as I know it tends to be short-term and kind of impersonal (although obviously varies depending on the therapist), which can be fine if there aren't underlying issues that need to be addressed but if there are then you probably need something more. That's my take on it anyway, as someone with 0 qualifications XD
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid