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I don't know anymore possible TW
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,507 Community Veteran
Life is fucking hard at the moment. I have so many people yet it still feels like I have no one.
I'm a just over week into the easter holidays and I go back a week today. My mental health has gone awful again though. I don't understand school bc while you're in school you've got people "oh we are here when you need us" "you know where I am if you need me" what's all well and good but what about the holidays? You go from having them to not having them at all and just being stuck alone, it's just asking for you to go downhill again.
My mental health has gotten so bad that when I go back to school and I'm asked what I did over the holidays I can only really tell them about the odd weekends when we actually did do stuff bc dad was home and wanted to take us out. The rest of the time my mental health has been so bad I haven't been able to get out of bed. The days I have bc we were going out I just had to fake being ok when really when we got home I'd just collapse into bed and be so drained.
I have coursework and math work to be doing but I just don't have the energy whatsoever
Relapsing with sh has been really hard to avoid too bc of how low I feel. I reached
But I'm not happy or proud. I need to avoid relapsing though because now it's coming towards summer I need to stay clean. I'd have so much trouble hiding it if I relapsed.
Everything's so much just piling up. I can barely socialise atm; I'm not answering messages and I'm barely talking to my friends
Tomorrow night I'm sleeping over at my friends house but I've not seen her for a few months bc she isn't in school bc she's really ill and recently has been told she's got FND but I'm really worried bc I don't wanna treat her wrong or anything considering she's now in a wheelchair, do I just act the same?
Everything's alot atm and I just don't know what to do
I'm a just over week into the easter holidays and I go back a week today. My mental health has gone awful again though. I don't understand school bc while you're in school you've got people "oh we are here when you need us" "you know where I am if you need me" what's all well and good but what about the holidays? You go from having them to not having them at all and just being stuck alone, it's just asking for you to go downhill again.
My mental health has gotten so bad that when I go back to school and I'm asked what I did over the holidays I can only really tell them about the odd weekends when we actually did do stuff bc dad was home and wanted to take us out. The rest of the time my mental health has been so bad I haven't been able to get out of bed. The days I have bc we were going out I just had to fake being ok when really when we got home I'd just collapse into bed and be so drained.
I have coursework and math work to be doing but I just don't have the energy whatsoever
Relapsing with sh has been really hard to avoid too bc of how low I feel. I reached
But I'm not happy or proud. I need to avoid relapsing though because now it's coming towards summer I need to stay clean. I'd have so much trouble hiding it if I relapsed.
Everything's so much just piling up. I can barely socialise atm; I'm not answering messages and I'm barely talking to my friends
Tomorrow night I'm sleeping over at my friends house but I've not seen her for a few months bc she isn't in school bc she's really ill and recently has been told she's got FND but I'm really worried bc I don't wanna treat her wrong or anything considering she's now in a wheelchair, do I just act the same?
Everything's alot atm and I just don't know what to do
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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Comments
I understand this so much. I'm not sure what to say about it lol but I really get it and I know how bad it sucks but it just emphasises the point you have to be there for yourself. You have to be kind to yourself. I get really withdrawn from friends and things as well when I feel super shit but it's one of those things that you know isn't helping. Sometimes talking to your friends might boost your mood a little! Try to have a good time at your friend's house, I know it isn't that simple but yeah just try. And I'd say try to treat her the same as normal? Idk, I'm super awkward but I think she'd appreciate it if you didn't start acting all different and weird.
Sending hugs
Plus, when you're off people often think that this is a time to 'relax' and feel energised when you return, yet half the time when your mental health only worsens, you turn back up after break feeling even less okay than when you went on holiday.
Regardless, I am such a sincere believer that your mental health always comes first. That means before maths and coursework, before socialising, before anything else. I know that's a lot easier said that done, especially when other people have expectations of you, like messages piling up (this is certainly something I struggle with too
I'm glad that despite this, you have mustered the strength to meet your friend for a sleepover, especially given that you're so mentally drained atm, this is very impressive of you
I'm wondering if you want to talk more about what has led to your mental health getting worse and worse? (whether that's about lack of support or anything else)
Huge hugs xx
Yes exactly and it's horrible. When I go back on monday I will be worse than before bc they just expect you to be okay for 2 and a half weeks all alone. Its horrible and lonely. I suppose, it's just hard bc when you're struggling the last thing you want to think of is yourself but you want to still meet expectations and make it seem like your okay. And messages piling up is just something extra that it feel like you have to reply to but it's hard bc you just don't want to and don't have the energy to socialise Thankyou, it honestly wasn't too bad, I had moments but hid them and it was a good distraction for myself. It also probably did me good to get out the house. I honestly don't know what exactly has lead to it. On the 28th of march it marked a year since loosing my stepmom and I guess that kinda hit me pretty hard. But then I think it could be loads of little things piling up. Like when I was at school I had my mentor and then my friend and then another lady who were there for me and they usually helped "cheer me up" and distract me while also being there when I needed them. And then a new boy joined so I started helping him out too and I also always had homework what was stressing me out kinda taking my mind off of my mental health but then I guess I've kinda realised now I've gone 2 weeks without that how much I actually am struggling.
I've started having bad dreams too some linked to my ptsd but then others are kinda of my actual fears/scenarios I make in my head what's started making me lack sleep a bit what probably doesn't help much either
When I go back to school I've been put on a waiting list to see the school counsellor and I've been thinking about it alot the past day or 2 and I really want to back out but idk
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with your mental health. It can be tough when you have people around you, but it still feels like you have no one to turn to.
It's okay if you're not able to do everything all at once. Try not to be too hard on yourself and focus on what you can do in the moment. It's also okay to ask for extensions or additional support from your teachers if you need it. Remember that your mental health is important, and prioritize taking care of yourself as best as you can. You don't have to go through this alone, and there is always hope for healing and improvement.
Couldn't agree more, half the time the prospect of meeting up and actually doing the socialising feels a lot harder but once you're there you can certainly enjoy yourself a lot and feel immense love for the people around you
That is beyond understandable @Chloe234 , these types of grief are so deeply painful and only one year after her loss, of course that anguish is going to remain very acute and it's usually all the worse when it has been a year. Sometimes, the time passes quickly, yet you never know the impact it will have upon you
Additionally, when you have such a multitude of distractions coming from school, sometimes in the form of positive support, but also in the form of straight-up distractions, it can be easier to 'forget' or subdue some of the bubbling mental health needs under the surface, but once you're free to just be totally you on your own, it's like you're forced to confront the depth of your emotions, with nothing to hide behind. It sounds extremely mentally draining for you, Chloe. Plus, when dreams like this start to plague you, it's like you're suffering from waking nights all the time, which just makes life that much more exhausting all around !
I know you've been back for the last couple of days, how has it been at school? xx
Sorry for the delayed reply. Honestly it's been horrible and I'm doing Horribly at the moment. Things are so shit. My mental health is getting worse and worse.
On Thursday I burst into tears in the middle of lesson bc I just can't do this anymore. It's too much. Even my grades are dropping, I got 8/35 on a test yesterday. It's so bad. No one can help me anymore and I'm just so drained and tired.
My family have always been "oh we're here if you ever need to talk bla bla bla" but when I messaged a couple of them saying that I was struggling they just left me on fucking read or opened. I'm the rock for the family and that's all I am and will ever be.
To top it all off I've relapsed again. Woopie I'm a failure again and then a friend triggered me the other day because we were standing there and I was itching my arm so she went "what's on your arm" and pulled my sleeves up, and said "good" when nothing was there (this was while we were all packing up and standing together) and then she kept going "where do you self harm then" and started listing places but was kinda like joking about it..eventually I gave up and just told her where but it upset me.
I'm so done and just give up at this point
Thank you for reaching out to the discussion boards for help and advice from your peers. I'm sorry to hear that you're not receiving the help and support you deserve from your family and school. It can be hard to rely on a service just to end up not being able to use it later on.
I hear your mental health has taken a turn for the worse, I want you to know that despite relapsing it's incredibly brave of you to have reached out for help both here and at your school. I can see how your friend's comment might have made you feel uncomfortable. Do you think that maybe you could talk about it with her to establish healthy boundaries when it comes to discussing topics such as these that could eventually trigger you?
I'm going to use this space to link some resources that might help you manage the stress and anxiety you're feeling right now.
There is an organisation called Student Minds. They are a mental health charity specifically for students. They empower students and members of the community to look after their own mental health, support others and create change. They also have a blog dedicated to student mental heath and university life. This is a space where you can connect in with other students to share your tips and advice and get some tips too. You can visit their website at www.studentminds.org.uk
Students Against Depression is a website run by students for students regarding mental health. They offer clinically approved advice, information, guidance and resources for students with low moods, suicidal thoughts and depression. They have a range of self-help resources available to help manage feelings of anxiety and depression. Their website is https://www.studentsagainstdepression.org/
Stress and Anxiety Companion is an NHS-approved mental health app for managing work-related stress and anxiety. The app provides tools, guides and practical exercises built around proven CBT. The app is available to download on both the Apple app store and Google Play.
Let us know how you've been doing
Sending hugs
I know you must feel dreadful after the relapse, especially when you play such a critical role in holding your family together and making sure their okay, whilst also having friends not really 'get it' and thinking that by praising you for not SHing they are helping you. Having to navigate all of this whilst being impossibly frustrated by your ever-declining mental health must make coping on the day-to-day so awful and leave you feeling so hopeless
I think the point you make about being the rock for your family is especially important, because it shows how people can say the 'right' things about being there for you but when it actually comes to a crisis or a low moment, they are nowhere to be seen. Leaving you feeling all the more isolated and less likely to reach out for support the next time that you feel so deeply depressed. Plus, you're then burdened with a lot of responsibility in terms of ensuring that everyone in your family is happy and even though it's a brilliant trait to be kind and compassionate to those around you, this does not mean that you don't deserve the exact same treatment that you give them
In terms of the test, it must have felt like being kicked whilst your down to get a result you're not happy with, I'm curious, was the teacher able to offer any support either emotional or academic to try to help you at the moment?
It also feels like your friend's words and 'jokes' have really affected you, I mean, it's no wonder you were so triggered by that. Often people feel like they are being supportive by saying 'don't self-harm' or 'well-done' when you haven't and for some this may be useful. Nevertheless, for many people, it's a lot more complex than this and having your MH spoken about in such a trivial way (i.e., 'where do you do it?') can feel all the more alienating, like people are never truly going to understand what SHing means to you and why relapsing is so significant.
I'm here to talk more about how self-harming makes you feel if you'd like?
Once again, thank you so much for coming back to me, no matter how much time passes, I am always very grateful to hear you! Huge hugs xxx