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I’m done

Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
edited January 2023 in Health & Wellbeing
I just want to be with my nana, I don’t understand why life keeps you in a world you don’t want to be in.

It’s hard for me to make a decision because I know what I want but I’m scared to do it. It’s really hard for me right now 😭.

CAMHS didn’t help me so I feel like I have no support around me I have no one to turn to, I’m alone. If my nana was alive I know she’d look after me, I hate it

I don’t have any plans to end my life I’m just struggling

Comments

  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    edited September 18
    Here’s the thread @Past User
    Post edited by patrickDev on
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Hey Libby, is this where you wanted to talk?
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    edited January 2023
    Yes it is.

    It’s so that the GC thread can stay as positive as possible, if that makes sense?
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Honestly, I didn't know whether or not to talk here. I don't like to talk about myself too much on other people's threads, and I have some things to ask you based on my own experiences. This should be fine though.

    Do you really think dying would help in that way? It sounds like an awfully painful thing to have on your mind, but it's not something that I ever believed. I don't really think that death is the solution to grief... Because I don't think there is any "solution" to grief.
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    edited January 2023
    I’m sorry, are you comfortable talking here? If not that’s fine.

    I don’t know In all honesty, I just have mixed emotions about death. I want to die so the pain stops, also so that I can see my nana but on the other hand I don’t want to die because I’m only 17 I haven’t seen or experienced life yet, if that makes sense?
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Don't be sorry. It's just me trying to be respectful of other people's posts.

    I understand those feelings because I've had them too. I would be a hypocrite if I told you they were wrong or invalid in any way. But you would also be robbing yourself of everything that you still love, and of everything that you might love in the future. Death is utterly final, and there is zero certainty in what comes after it. I didn't know her, but based on how supportive she was, I think your nana would want you to live, see and experience life too.
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    edited September 18
    Past User wrote: »
    Don't be sorry. It's just me trying to be respectful of other people's posts.

    I understand those feelings because I've had them too. I would be a hypocrite if I told you they were wrong or invalid in any way. But you would also be robbing yourself of everything that you still love, and of everything that you might love in the future. Death is utterly final, and there is zero certainty in what comes after it. I didn't know her, but based on how supportive she was, I think your nana would want you to live, see and experience life too.

    Gosh this is making me upset aha, but it’s good to talk about things.

    I don’t actually know what I want, all I know is I’m uneasy when it comes to even wanting to die, I wouldn’t say I’m scared to die because I’m not but like you said it’s what comes after that scares me.

    I might go to her grave again today to say hello, I might not because it does trigger me but it’s weird because I love her still but I know she probably doesn’t love me anymore and that’s sad thing about losing someone you love
    Post edited by patrickDev on
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    Thinking about death causes me to have a panic attack, I suffer with multiple mental health issues and anxiety is one of them. It sucks because everyone thinks about death some point in their lives and I don’t want to always have a panic attack when I think about death. It sucks :/
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    I know :/ But you're right, it's good to talk about it. You seem to have learned that years faster than I did. :S

    Of course, it's terrifying. Life wouldn't have gotten very far without that instinct for self-preservation. But it's coming to us all eventually, and there's no need to expedite it. I was thinking, if you got to see your nana again, wouldn't you prefer to do so having had a happy life, and lots to talk about and thank her for?

    I don't think that's true. The things your nana did for you, the hopes she had and the memories you have of her don't just disappear. By extension that means her love for you aswell. You can be grateful to her in part for everything good in the future, because she helped make you who you are.
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    I just remembered I have a call from my doctor at 11:30 so I have until then.

    It’s hard because some days I wake up and I think I really don’t want to be around anymore, but then most days I just go well I’m here so there’s nothing I can do unless I go to the country you can get your life taken by. ( I probably would rather be on death row )
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    edited January 2023
    I don’t get why I would rather be dead, because me thinking today I really would rather be alive than dead. I’m 18 this year, I haven’t experienced my first house, having children etc so I have a lot left to experience before I die.

    That’s so weird to say it really is. ( sorry for going on I’ll shut up )
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    It's not weird at all. Sounds like you're fighting yourself, and with good reason too. Remember how I said that suicidal ideation can be an instinctive response to emotional pain? Grief is the worst for it. But that doesn't mean that you want to die. When you start to find other reasons to live, the thoughts you have about dying to stop the grief get less and less pervasive. That's why people always say that it gets better with time. It's less the time, and more the new things you experience and come to look forward to in that time.
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    I’m nervous about this meeting with my doctor. It’s about my health and I know it’s not going to be good, I don’t know why speaking about my health gives me anxiety.

    Everything is going wrong for me at the moment, literally everything.
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    edited January 2023
    I might tell them how I’m feeling about wanting to die.

    I’ve decided I’m not going to tell them as I don’t want them calling people on me even though I have no plans to end my life
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    The appointment went ok, it was tricky because my health is not great I’ve lost weight, I’m now on iron supplements and vitamins it’s so hard 😭
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    I have no support😭. I want it to end
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    Now I wish I died
  • _Tech_Addict_Girl_Tech_Addict_Girl Posts: 1,489 Wise Owl
    Hello @Libby_ I’m so sorry about your Nan and how you are feeling just know you have alot to look forward to in life and I’m pretty sure you are loved by many people and people are happy you are alive you matter even if you don’t feel that way right now. Trust me life will get easier step by step. We are here to help and if you want to DM me feel free to but you are loved by the community xx
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,464 Part of The Furniture
    Good to see you posting and getting this stuff out @Libby_. I know it's never easy, but you're doing a good thing by speaking openly and I hope it's providing some relief. 💚

    I know you know about crisis helplines and contacts, but I wanted to drop that info here so it's right in front of you if you need it. You said you don't have any plans to end your life, and whether that does or doesn't change, these people are always here to keep you safe:
    Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
    Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
    Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
    Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
    What thoughts are you having right now? Can you tell if there's anything behind the immediate stuff around wishing you died and wanting things to end?
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  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    Mike wrote: »
    Good to see you posting and getting this stuff out @Libby_. I know it's never easy, but you're doing a good thing by speaking openly and I hope it's providing some relief. 💚

    I know you know about crisis helplines and contacts, but I wanted to drop that info here so it's right in front of you if you need it. You said you don't have any plans to end your life, and whether that does or doesn't change, these people are always here to keep you safe:
    Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
    Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
    Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
    Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
    What thoughts are you having right now? Can you tell if there's anything behind the immediate stuff around wishing you died and wanting things to end?

    I try my best to open up to people who say they care, but then they ignore my hurt and say I’m fine basically. That’s what CAMHS did, I told them I really want to die but they said nothing and haven’t put any support in for me, I have nothing Mike literally nothing😭.

    I would have my nana but she’s passed away now, I’m a living mess I want to be happy but I’m grieving so hard😭. Why why why : :'(
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular

    _Tech_Addict_Girl wrote: »
    Hello @Libby_ I’m so sorry about your Nan and how you are feeling just know you have alot to look forward to in life and I’m pretty sure you are loved by many people and people are happy you are alive you matter even if you don’t feel that way right now. Trust me life will get easier step by step. We are here to help and if you want to DM me feel free to but you are loved by the community xx

    I just want her back :/
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    I’m feeling really faint

  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    Was in support chat but felt judged so left, im ok just wish someone knew how much agony I’m in
  • BenMaBenMa Moderator, Staff Posts: 143 Helping Hand
    Hi @Libby_ - I'm sorry that things feel so painful emotionally for you right now. I know you've also mentioned feeling faint; can I ask if you know what's caused that or what's led you to feel faint this evening?

    It sounds really tough that you felt judged in that support chat space, you absolutely deserve support and to have access to that in a non-judgmental way.
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  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    BenMa wrote: »
    Hi @Libby_ - I'm sorry that things feel so painful emotionally for you right now. I know you've also mentioned feeling faint; can I ask if you know what's caused that or what's led you to feel faint this evening?

    It sounds really tough that you felt judged in that support chat space, you absolutely deserve support and to have access to that in a non-judgmental way.

    Hi Ben,

    I think it’s from the tummy pain I’m in, when I get period pain I feel faint because it hurts so much. ( I know too much information ).

    I just wished I had someone to turn to when I ask for help. But so far everyone who I’ve reached out to hasn’t given me time of day, especially camhs they haven’t done anything to keep me safe
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    I’m debating whether to call a helpline as I’m feeling really low. I don’t know because I know they’ll call emergency services on me. Ugh :'(
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,168 Boards Guru
    It's understandable to be feeling worried about emergency services being called @Libby_. It sounds really tough this being something that's holding you back from reaching out for the support you deserve. Do you feel comfortable sharing a bit more about your worries about emergency services being called?

    What helplines have you found most helpful reaching out to before?

    Our helpline here at The Mix doesn't open until 4pm, however, Samartians have a lovely team and they are open 24/7 and you can call them on 116 123. They also have a webchat option that's available at certain times throughout the day too :)
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Libby_Libby_ Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    Aife wrote: »
    It's understandable to be feeling worried about emergency services being called @Libby_. It sounds really tough this being something that's holding you back from reaching out for the support you deserve. Do you feel comfortable sharing a bit more about your worries about emergency services being called?

    What helplines have you found most helpful reaching out to before?

    Our helpline here at The Mix doesn't open until 4pm, however, Samartians have a lovely team and they are open 24/7 and you can call them on 116 123. They also have a webchat option that's available at certain times throughout the day too :)

    Hi aife,

    It sounds stupid but I dislike when the emergency services turn up, it sets of mixed emotions especially because my nana had them called and they then said she had died.

    Before Samaritans have called emergency services on me due to what I had said so I don’t know. Maybe I just suffer :(
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