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Ramblings
Former Member
Inactive Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
The urge to self harm has been creeping up and part of me is worried that I'll do it out of impulsive because of how frustrated I've been feeling.
I'm frustrated because I feel like I lack the discipline I should have with keeping my emotions in check and I'm frustrated because everytime I try to maintain balance, it always becomes obsessive which makes me upset everytime I "mess up".
I've also got my MH assessment approaching and I'm already worrying that I'll be turned away and as much as I've been trying to prepare myself for both outcomes, deep down I want to be worthy of their help.
I just feel a bit crappy. I feel like I'm crap at my Job and about my general appearance. I honestly feel like I'm stupid. I don't retain information very well, I struggle with my executive function and there isn't anything else to me other than I spend all day worrying about my body and how much I suck.
I just needed a place to offload, thank you for listening to my pity party lol
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Comments
I know you said you're just offloading, but I wanted to reflect on the wording of this:
Rather than lacking discipline, could it be that you're lacking the support structures or living conditions (physical or emotional) needed for you to stave off self-destructive urges?
It's easy to sit there thinking "why am I doing this, I KNOW it's not good for me", especially when you place importance on personal responsibility with your wellbeing like I know you do Salix. Even the way you referred to this as a 'pity party' - I know you were joking but it's almost like you feel you're being self-indulgent by posting or asking for support, when you 100% deserve it.
When we fall back to familiar (if destructive) coping mechanisms, it tends to be because we have unmet needs, we're dealing with a lot in our lives, or we're missing other support structures (I noticed you mentioned a MH assessment). Nothing about that shows a lack of discipline or means you're at fault - you're only human like the rest of us. Be charitable to yourself.
Also, a lack of executive function and struggling to retain information is a pretty classic sign of mental ill-health. Same with feeling low about the other parts of your life like work, etc.
I guess just a friendly reminder to treat yourself with kindness, that you deserve support, and that your ability to function 'properly' isn't always within your control.
Out of interest, how is your life generally? Anything happened recently that might be making those urges more intense, or has it been more of a slow burn?
You say when you 'mess up'. It's so easy to punish ourselves when we have slip up, but I want to tell you that you are only human, you are not alone and sometimes life can get in the way.
With the self harm, there is an app called 'Calm Harm' which essentially distracts you when you feel the urge, by doing different activities. It's very useful.
Thank you for sharing how you feel.
Believe in yourself
I'm sorry that you're dealing with the urge to self-harm. I'm hearing how difficult it's been for you.
I've seen that @RenP has suggested Calm Harm, which is great. If you wanted to, you could also try https://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/. They offer webchat, text support, email and telephone support.
We're here if you feel like sharing how you're feeling. You're important to us
Truthfully, it all comes down to control. I can't control what others think of me and it annoys me that I can't just suck it up and get on with things (even when it's warranted). Perhaps I do feel a little indulgent because I recognise that I'm privileged in some areas of my life so I don't want to come across as ungrateful or loose sight of that.
I was hoping for a magic switch that would snap me out of this version of myself. The world is the way it is and I feel pathetic for not adjusting. I don't know if it's the BPD or just my character. I don't even know if all this is beyond my control and I'm scared that if I let myself believe that then I might get stuck.
Life is okay ( and i can say this objectively) but working In STEM has has been challenging. I just didn't think I'd be fighting to be respected or heard and its chipped away at me. I feel like my executive function has taken a hard knock because I'm in a constant state of anxiety from worrying about every little thing from my performance to my own
I recon in the end it was a build up of things. My friend was assaulted, a family member passed away and I was traumatised by the killings of black people plastered all-over the media. It made me so scared of the world seeing how cruel people could be. I just wanted to be enough without being perceived as bad. My BPD diagnosis already gave me an obsessive inferiority complex and the racial tension opened up old wounds I felt like I was suffocating. I wanted to be seen as good, I wanted to be enough. Everything just snowballed and I had all these big complicated feelings that I didn't want to burden anyone with.
Thank you for your kind words and honesty
It seems like there have been a lot of painful times recently for you, it's understandable that you're finding this overwhelming to navigate. Feeling out of control of your emotions or events which affect you can be really unsettling. It makes sense that you wish this could be different, many people share this sentiment, especially when its all getting a bit too much.
I can see you feel frustrated by your struggle to adjust, it can be hard to give ourselves grace. Please remember you are worthy, deserving and ‘enough’ to receive care, support, and happiness. We are here for you, by your side, to work through this together.
I hope that the MH assessment will enable you to access the support that you deserve. For the meantime, I am so pleased to see that you’ve been able to reach out here. We can explore further support options with you if this is something you’d be interested in. Please do not hesitate to continue to share with us if you find this helpful.
Take care.
Take care and try and be kind to yourself
Sinead
This is a lot, Salix. I don't think anyone would be able to function well underneath that weight, and having big complicated feelings that are hard to express as a result feels pretty expected.
I can't express the degree to which it isn't pathetic to find it difficult to adjust to the world you're living in. Any one of those things you mentioned would be reason enough to shut down for a while, let alone all of them together, and let alone while you're being given a hard time working in STEM. That's a lot of mud to be trudging through each day and I don't think anyone is built to just magically adapt to that. There might be elements you can control or areas over which you have influence - that's true - I suppose it's just about setting the expectations of yourself at a reasonable level. You're always operating within a set of material, social, and emotional conditions, and that naturally come with limitations.
You have some control and can make your own choices but you're not a wizard.
When is your MH assessment btw?