Feeling low (TW mentions self harm urges)

_Tech_Addict_Girl

@independent_ You have been really brave letting your feelings out I’m very proud of you just remember we are all here to support you anytime someone is always awake to have a chat I don’t go bed till midnight if you want a chat dm me x

independent_

@_Tech_Addict_Girl Thank you. You’re all so kind

Arianna

@independent_ i got called this year! you can for sure apply for an excusal, there’s no harm trying, but also just to say you can defer to anytime within the next ?12 months and they have to let you, and they don’t ask for proof of anything. you can just write an email like ‘please may i defer until x date.’ so that’s an option if excusal doesn’t happen or is too much effort to sort right now!

also just a note to say that if nothing else, i promise jury service isn’t so bad. it’s a lot of sitting around. in many ways i found it was less demanding than being at home. you don’t get to sit in a chair for six hours and stare blankly into space anywhere else! x

edit: sorry!! looks like in Scotland you need proof of good reason for deferral too, my bad!! that sucks, i didn’t have to give reason

feel better soon my dear x

independent_

Thank you @Arianna I will try phoning the number on Monday and see what they say. I guess I’m just anxious as I’m hardly coping with life as it is.

independent_

Today feels really hard. All I’ve done is gone and made a coffee then went back to bed I’m just so exhausted and struggling.

SpaceOtter

Hey @independent_ ! How are you feeling today?

Sending lots of hugs, it’s really good that you’ve posted, no one should have to deal with things alone and we’re always happy to listen.

You’re trying your absolute best and we can all see that, reaching out here shows how hard you’re trying.

I know you say you haven’t felt like a great person lately but despite your struggles you’ve continued to help people here. You’ve helped me so much.

If sometimes all you can do is open your eyes, that’s ok. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of love or support.

Always happy to listen if you ever need anything

independent_

Aww @SpaceOtter thank you. That’s really sweet.

Today hasn’t been much better. I honestly don’t know what to do or where to go next because right now it feels like nothing will change.

Past User

Sorry to hear you're still having a rough time @independent_

Sorry if you don't want to mention specifics but is there anything in particular that's been stuck on your mind while you've been feeling like this?

All the best as always

independent_

@Supernova thank you. My mind is just obsessing over everything. The self destruction thoughts won’t leave my brain today. And it’s hard to distract myself because it feels so obsessive.

Also phoned the number on the jury service letter and the woman said I have to email them and wait for a reply to see if I need a note from my GP for excusal. She said I might not need one but need to email the jury person she gave me an email address. I hoped she could just tell me either way over the phone whether I need a note but apparently not and it’s just so uncertain.

Past User

I see and I'm guessing your usual interests aren't helping out much atm. If you can, try to talk about those thoughts with somebody, or at least get them written down. It can be really torturous when you're left to think and think and think, you need a way to challenge the thought cycles going around in your head.

But the positive I see there is that you're going to be able to avoid the stressful jury situation regardless. Be it easy without the GP note, or a little harder with, you're still not going to have to worry about it any more soon.

independent_

@Supernova yeah I tried talking to someone on phone last night about it all, it was good to talk I suppose but it only went so far.

That’s true about the jury thing I just hate having that uncertainty there about what the response to my email will be. If I’d definitely needed a note from the GP I’d rather get it over and done with. But now I have to email someone and then they’ll no doubt take ages to reply (it took me a few tries to get through on the phone).

The sadness never ends either.

Past User

Yeah if it was a 1 to 1 service it can be difficult when they have to end before you feel like you've said all you wanted to say. if you'd like I can recommend a text service I often use - they give you a reference code so you can pick up where you left off the next time you message.

Well if you want to get it out of the way, there's nothing to say you can't just get the note anyway? If you have it and don't end up needing it that's fine ^^ a small price to pay for lowering you anxieties a little.

I've noticed that too. When everything else gets too overwhelming and difficult to think about, it seems sadness and exhaustion start to take over instead. I guess they're just feelings that are easy for us to understand.

independent_

@Supernova that would be great if you could recommend them, I don’t have much signal in my house for texts but there’s a spot I can go to where there’s a bar or 2 to text if I need to.

I guess I could just get the note, I just like to know where I stand and it’s horrible not knowing. It’s just the worst timing possible.

I’m honestly really overwhelmed atm and you’re right about those being feelings I know and I always get like this and it’s shit.

independent_

The worst part of all this is being so exhausted but still finding sleep so difficult

Past User

@independent_

I get that. Having no energy but it's almost like there's an immense pressure to sleep - sleep to stop all the thoughts. So it starts racing through your head while you toss and turn. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. It's infuriating, and I've found the only way to address it is to get up for 30 minutes and try to reset as best you can. Rinse and repeat because it's impossible to stay awake forever.

independent_

@Supernova yeah I do that. I got up again and put music on cause I just can’t get to sleep despite having my meds hours ago

Apollo

@independent_ I don't want to sound patronising or anything but I'm proud of you, you'll get through this, it's important to be careful and of course let doctors know if medication isn't working

independent_

I’m excused from jury service. Thank goodness. One less thing to worry about.

Stephanie

Hey @independent_

Just wanted to check in to see how you are feeling? We are all here for you

lovemimoon

Hey @independent_
Thank you for sharing with us. Please don't apologize for reaching to us! It's what we're here for.

I don’t know how I feel about it all. I hate that I’m like this. I hate that I need that support just to get through life.

I understand how difficult it is to be experiencing intrusive thoughts like this, and your feelings are completely understandable.
Echoing what others have said here, it's okay to reach out for support. By opening up about what's on your mind, you're already doing the first step of reaching out for the help and support you deserve. Even if it feels like you've spoken about this to death, you've repeated yourself one too many times, etc. You're not burdening anyone with your struggles at all.

I’ve had to cancel plans with a friend tomorrow because I just can’t face it. She’s 14, I can’t tell her the full reason, I have to protect her from that.

This is understandable. I feel the same way when I speak to younger people. It's a heavy topic for some, but for others it's their reality. Hopefully, she understands or has an idea of what you're going through and respects your space.

Sending lots of hugs and support!

independent_

Thank you for the replies @lovemimoon and @Stephanie, sorry it’s taken me a while to reply. I was away for a few days without much time to reply properly. Your kind words are much appreciated.

I’ve had ok ish days and bad days. Today has been a struggle but I’m trying to keep distracted.

lovemimoon

No worries @independent_
I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment.

As long as you're getting by.
We're here for you.