Feeling low (TW mentions self harm urges)

independent_

I’m having a really difficult night, don’t worry I’m safe but I’m just struggling. I’m just feeling really low and just need a rant and a hug. And my mind is racing and struggling with SH urges. Sorry for posting here just the people in my life who do know have heard more than enough about this today.

I spoke to GP today and she’s increased my meds (which when I was first on them really helped) and told me to call back in a few weeks for a review and if I’m still struggling with the thoughts she’ll refer me back to the mental health team.

I don’t know how I feel about it all. I hate that I’m like this. I hate that I need that support just to get through life. I’ve had to cancel plans with a friend tomorrow because I just can’t face it. She’s 14, I can’t tell her the full reason, I have to protect her from that. Sometimes I just wish I was normal and actually enjoyed my life. If I could have one day where something destructive didn’t go through my head that would be amazing.

Millie2787

Hey !

Don’t ever apologise for reaching out for help , that’s what we’re all here for and you do an amazing job at supporting others so we definitely want to support you .

It’s okay to need support sometimes to get through day today day life and it's okay to take the medication too . I know you’ve been feeling rubbish for awhile now but I did want to say I’m so proud of you for ringing your GP as I know that was a difficult thing for you to do .

We all love and care about you here and I hope the meds increase can help to make those days a little bit easier

independent_

@Millie2787 thank you That’s really kind of you to say. I honestly thought I was ok when the meds helped first time but seems not lol.

Past User

Hey @independent_

Well done again for having that chat with your GP, and well done aswell for posting this. I hope both have made you feel at least a little calmer.

As @Millie2787 said, it's okay to ask for help and need support sometimes. It's unfair to yourself to expect never to falter and have a bad period of time. It's okay to cancel plans if you need to take a day for yourself as, if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be accepting of it because you're a good person. I'm certain your friends would be too.

Just want you to know that I empathise with that desire to be normal. To be happy, upbeat, confident and calm, and to not have every day negatively coloured by seemingly daily negative thoughts. It sucks and it makes other things in life feel fleeting and hollow. But in reality, maybe its unrealistic of us to expect things to change that drastically. I mean after so long of struggling it becomes natural and comfortable almost. Perhaps we need to be grateful for the good moments that do come along and enjoy them to their fullest while they're there. Because as long as they're there and you understand what makes you happy, you can strive for more of those things.

I don't mean to apply my experiences to yours, or to speak for you and how you're feeling. Just want you to find some happiness and enjoyment again because you deserve it. You've always been very kind to me and it's only fair I do the same. I'm always around if you need to talk, as are many others. Hope the medication and conversation help you start to feel better. o/

independent_

@Supernova thank you posting did help I think. Just needed somewhere to write it tbh. Not that many people offline know and it gets pretty lonely sometimes. I often feel like no one understands.

I’m sure my friends would be great if I told them, I just have a few younger friends and I don’t really want them to know because they don’t need to worry about me too. I worry enough people. And I hate that about myself too, that I struggle to speak about things then they get so bad it’s noticeable and makes others worry.

I know what you mean about it almost being comfortable, I don’t know what I’d think about if it wasn’t something negative all the time. I try to enjoy little things but it’s hard at the moment. Really hard. I just want to hide from the world.

You’re all so kind. These posts have been lovely to read

Past User

@independent_

You're more than welcome. It may seem like nobody understands, but that's immediately untrue just in speaking to me. And there are of course many more out there too. Obviously I'm a hypocrite and need to remember that myself but, it's worth both of us keeping in mind.

I hear what you're saying about your younger friends, and maybe that is a good mindset to take. I try to keep my younger sister shielded from this shit aswell, and it can be really stressful given how often I'm around her.

It's such a tough one feeling that way - it's such a negative cycle. Feeling uncomfortable talking about things, ending up pushing people away as result and making things even worse. Then because things are so bad it feels like you're a drag on everyone around you and that people are staring at you wondering wth is wrong with you, which makes things worse still. Rinse and repeat until it gets to much to bare and you wind up in bed all day alone hiding from the world. I suppose the trick would be to break the cycle somewhere along the way, when you feeling bad but not awful. After all, is it better to worry people with something small, or something massive and scary?

I think human behaviour tends towards "the devil we know" so when you've struggled for so long, even though it sucks, we condition ourselves to stay in those same loops. Hence why it feels impossible for things to ever change - "I don't know what I'd think about if it wasn't something negative." But things can be different, even if you convince yourself they can't. I suppose the main thing is to try to be kind and patient with yourself, as impossible as that may seem sometimes. And if it's too hard, just imagine your best friend was telling you the same things that are going through your head. What would you say to them? What would you do for them? There's no reason you shouldn't treat yourself with the same kindness that you so readily give to others.

Just happy to hear you're doing a little better.

independent_

@Supernova thank you, that all makes so much sense.

I think I give advice to others so often but never take it myself. If a friend came to me feeling the same way I’d just want to help them in whatever way I could.

I haven’t been a nice person to be around recently. Said some stuff I regret to people and all because I hate myself so much. Then you’re right it gets harder to be around people and now I just don’t want to.

I guess things were different a while ago, I don’t think I realised it. Like when I started the meds I knew I felt better but didn’t realise how much quieter my mind was with the negative and destructive thinking. I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like I’ll get back to that place anytime soon.

I’m going for a walk on the beach with mum and my dog Theo, mum will probably try to talk to me about everything cause she knows I rang the GP yesterday. That’s kind of scary. I think I’m in the mindset of trying to protect everyone from the reality of how bad things really are.

Past User

Well have a nice time @independent_ and just remember there's only so much you can protect people before they start to notice and worry anyway. Much better to hear it from you than to watch you self destructing... ^^

independent_

We had a 30 minute walk on the beach. I'm exhausted. Even something that small feels like so much right now

Apollo

It seems like you're doing all the right things speaking to people and the GP about this.

It's really scary and you should be proud of yourself for being able to do that. I'm proud of you for keeping going and you should be too

independent_

Thank you @Apollo it was pretty scary and I put it off for so long. I have to book a review in a few weeks time and yes I am already stressing about that lol

independent_

Ahh I’m finding everything so overwhelming. I can’t believe even a walk felt like too much

independent_

I can’t tell if it’s the increased meds making me this tired or if I’m just this exhausted generally at this point.

Past User

Do you mind me asking what you're taking?

independent_

@Supernova mirtazapine. They’re supposed to make you drowsy after taking them so suppose could be that. But I was tired before I increased last night so could also just be tired lol

Past User

Or perhaps a combination of the two. Mirtazapine is pretty rough on you in terms of sleep, but an extra thing I noticed while taking it was that if I didn't manage to fall asleep within a couple hours of taking it, then I would become very jittery and wired, then basically find it impossible to sleep. Which led on to sleeping in the day instead since I'd been up all night.

I stopped taking it for that reason, and because I think I was starting to get night terrors. I don't know for certain but I was having dreams where I would wake and be completely unable to move, like I was paralysed. Was kinda weird. Not sure if any of this is familiar to you? You're likely on a higher dose than I was.

independent_

@Supernova Ah I’m sorry you had that experience. I started to find it didn’t make me drowsy anymore after a couple of months, so I could take it and still be awake hours later. I used to have weird dreams when I first started it but I had weird dreams anyway so like I didn’t notice that much. The worst part for me is whatever happens I struggle to wake up once I am asleep, so it takes me a few minutes lol. Like I wake up but I’m so tired if that makes sense. It did help me to feel better for a while though so GP recommended trying an increase first before anything else. Because after a while the dose I was on just didn’t work (perhaps that’s obvious from this whole thread that it’s not working lol). But apparently it takes a couple of weeks for the increase to have any positive effect.

independent_

Supposed to be going out later. Don’t think I can do it. I really am failing.

Past User

Hey @independent_

How are you? Where were your plans gonna be taking you? It's okay to take a day for yourself if you need to, especially if you're going somewhere with the potential to be stressful. But if it's a relaxing occasion you might feel better for getting outside.

independent_

@Supernova really struggling tbh. It was just to the gym as I often do on a Friday but don’t know if I’ll go.

Past User

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you find the gym makes you feel good after you've been? Potentially stupid suggestion but perhaps you could compromise a little with yourself - do a little bit of exercise at home and then take the rest of the day to relax.

I'll admit I feel like a hypocrite though, because I'm in a similar situation today where I really don't know if I should go out with my friends tonight.

Is there anything in particular that's making you feel low today?

JustV

Good to see you posting @independent_

I hate that I’m like this. I hate that I need that support just to get through life [...] Sometimes I just wish I was normal and actually enjoyed my life. If I could have one day where something destructive didn’t go through my head that would be amazing.

I just wanted to highlight this. I can empathise with the frustration of everyday things being difficult, especially when people around you can seemingly live their lives without a hitch. I stutter, and in the past I've had similar feelings when I've felt too anxious to make a phone call or talk to a neighbour.

It's worth reflecting, though, on how you would be feeling if this was a physical health need instead. I know we often compare mental health to physical health and it might be a tired comparison at this point, but for me this is an example where the difference is quite stark. We tend to be more forgiving of ourselves when the need is physical and we can pin those frustrations on it rather than us, but in reality there's no reason we should treat them any differently.

I'm not sure if this applies to your experience, but from your post it sounds like you're being quite hard on yourself about all of this. I guess just a reminder that you're always doing the best you can, and it's not fair on you to hold yourself to a higher standard than that.

And it's okay to need support to get through the day or to do 'normal' things. Besides, you're also very good at doing things that other people usually need help with (supporting others, for example!), so these things can also depend on your perspective. I know it's frustrating when you're in it, though.

Be kind to yourself.

Supposed to be going out later. Don’t think I can do it. I really am failing doing my best, and taking care of myself when I need to.

Where are you supposed to be going later?

independent_

I see your posts and I'll respond properly in a minute but I've just received a very official looking letter. I've been called for jury service. Fuck. Not what I need

Millie2787

Is there any way you can get yourself excused from
It on mental health grounds ? I know a friend who got a professional to write a letter that got her excused .

Edit : I’ve just found this on the Scottish guide to jury service excusal

Box D – Applications for excusal on the grounds of ill health or physical disability
If you wish to apply for excusal on the basis of ill health or physical disability then you must enclose a medical certificate along with your response. This can normally be obtained free of charge from your GP, in terms of Article 4 of Schedule 4 and regulation 25 of The National Health Service (General Medical Services Contracts) (Scotland) Regulations 2018 (2018/66). If your doctor considers your condition is long term or unlikely to change, please ask your doctor to include this information in your medical certificate.

Past User

@Millie2787 has some great information there. I imagine you would be in a very easy position to apply for that aswell given your recent contact with your GP.

independent_

Thank you so much @Mike and @Supernova for reassuring words above.

@Millie2787 I tried to phone the number on the letter to speak to someone about it but they didn’t answer, it just rang out. I don’t know what to do and it’s all so stressful and just came at the wrong time.

Millie2787

@independent_ is there an email your mum can help you type one out to them ? If not maybe speak to your GP see if they have any advice or a direct link number . It’s clear it’s going to cause you obvious stress which you don’t need right now

I’ll have a look and see if I can find an application form or contact us on the website.

Edit : This is the application form for excusal
https://www.scotcourts.gov.uk/docs/default-source/coming-to-court/jurors/applicationforexemptionorexcusalfromjuryservice.pdf?sfvrsn=8

And this is the guidance notes - maybe mum or someone can help you with it as I appreciate its a lot to take in .

https://www.scotcourts.gov.uk/docs/default-source/coming-to-court/jurors/guidetojuryserviceeligibility.pdf?sfvrsn=6

independent_

@Millie2787 thank you so much I'll have a look at those links. Looks like I'll probably have to bother the GP again either way

Millie2787

It’s not bothering your Gp my lovely , they do notes like this day in day out .. they have specific times each day to sit and do these notes , do prescriptions etc ❤️

_Tech_Addict_Girl

Hi @independent_ How are you feeling now? Xx

independent_

@Millie2787 thank you. Just don’t want to be a nuisance, I am to enough people. Have to phone the number on the letter to ask about it I think when they decide to fucking answer their phone. It won’t be till Monday now, means it’s gonna be on my mind all weekend

@_Tech_Addict_Girl much of the same tbh. Just want to lie down in a dark room and ignore the world