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Kinda upset
Former Member
Posts: 281 The Mix Regular
I don't know it's more a rant then anything I wanted to put this in a seperate area though. I feel kinda conflicted about it but I thought write about it.
So i wanted to meet a friend i hadnt seen for a while. For most of it was okay kept distance. But talked for long time and all. Then while sitting.
My friend started to kinda violate my space ya know like social distancing with the excuse of looking at my phone or touching my stuff maybe I should have been more firm from the start but it was so subtle and then pushy and then a subtle touch when it was so clear that before that i was distancing??
I did push later but only too late and he is like I dont care. Like I do? And clearly my friend went out when it was busy and that so there is a risk and only half vaccinated. I think he likes me but which makes it more uncomfortable now but if u liked me like respect my space at least like if he cant even do it in the covid pandemic I dont think he can ever even tho he said he wouldnt push for certain things in the future that was more about his feelings not so much that he was promising to respect my distance. I enjoyed the day but doing that ruins it tbh.
I think there is a thing where my ques of just being friendly and talkative are misinterprted but im pretty sure i already pushed him away a bit that day. I didn't find it respectful at all and it really wasnt good. Even if u wanna argue less risk and only one person just like violating my space like that makes me think there is no real respect for me.
So i wanted to meet a friend i hadnt seen for a while. For most of it was okay kept distance. But talked for long time and all. Then while sitting.
My friend started to kinda violate my space ya know like social distancing with the excuse of looking at my phone or touching my stuff maybe I should have been more firm from the start but it was so subtle and then pushy and then a subtle touch when it was so clear that before that i was distancing??
I did push later but only too late and he is like I dont care. Like I do? And clearly my friend went out when it was busy and that so there is a risk and only half vaccinated. I think he likes me but which makes it more uncomfortable now but if u liked me like respect my space at least like if he cant even do it in the covid pandemic I dont think he can ever even tho he said he wouldnt push for certain things in the future that was more about his feelings not so much that he was promising to respect my distance. I enjoyed the day but doing that ruins it tbh.
I think there is a thing where my ques of just being friendly and talkative are misinterprted but im pretty sure i already pushed him away a bit that day. I didn't find it respectful at all and it really wasnt good. Even if u wanna argue less risk and only one person just like violating my space like that makes me think there is no real respect for me.
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Comments
I’m totally with you on respecting your personal space. And no one should violate that without your permission
I already said previously before and it had been like two years but before that he was like oh okay. And he tried and asked stuff before i said not interested and he was fine with it or so i thought and the last time before that i met wasnt like that. Previously i established things but I know its hard.. but I at least thought there be some boundary.
So there was never a time I gave a okay to anything and i said before clearly no, but I think with some people just being friendly is enough for them to do stuff or somehow he forgot everything I said. I said after im not interested and he said okay but by that time he had already like pushed too far. He did ask why and does that make him a bad person but I said no im just not interested. And he said its okay he won't do anything again but at this point I can't really believe that.
I still don't think even if someone likes you and you like them back it's right to violate someones space like that. Maybe i didnt make it clear enough about but it seems he got too lax and it also felt really sneaky horrible way to do things.
So it makes it awkward. Even in normal times its weird but in covid times i think im really like annoyed because I was keeping away for purposes of covid. I rather not catch it and spread it.
I was trying to be keep distance when meeting others. I don't want anyone touching me or coming up close at all regardless of reason unless its necessary. I know some people are getting too relaxed like some people touching others but generally still ppl try to keep away a bit. If i do meet anyone else again right from the start I will say keep this far away etc etc do this do that.
The last friend i met was really respectful and kept distance didnt force hugs or anything we agreed easily what is okay or not, so this was just kind of a shock. And clearly otherwise i was uncomfortable with it all and he acted like it was a phobia.. I said about covid and he treated the whole situtation as a joke.
I still wanted to meet then cuz had a good conversation over text so everything felt good, hadnt met many ppl in months and to catch up or share advice and I did that.. but towards the end the experience was kinda ruined. If none of that happened it would have been all okay :c I still enjoyed part of the experience thats why its conflicting but I dont like that someone cant respect basic boundaries. Stayed and talked for a long time so maybe that didnt help as got more lax overtime, maybe I should have just got up and left as soon as it got slightly weird.. but I was still enjoying talking...
first of all, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you had to go through that - it sounds really difficult especially when you felt so conflicted by enjoying the conversation with your friend but then feeling uncomfortable at the same time because they crossed your personal boundaries.
I totally agree with you - your friend should definitely respect your boundaries and if he doesn't respect your boundaries then he doesn't deserve to be your friend. You deserve to be friends with someone who you feel comfortable around and who respects your personal boundaries.
I would definitely let your friend know about your boundaries, as well as where they stand in your eyes (in terms of you seeing them only as friends). And then hopefully, if it's they're a true friend they will understand all of this and will start respecting your boundaries from then on.
Hope this helps at all.
I'm sorry to hear you had a negative experience seeing your friend. I know it can be quite difficult to speak to people at the moment as everyone has different interpretations of the covid-19 pandemic and social distancing.
I think even outside the pandemic, like others have stated here, it is important to respect our friend's personal boundaries if they are uncomfortable with anything. I have always been a person to hug my close friends to say hello (before covid) but I once had a friend who really disliked social contact and she sat me down and explained that I made her feel nervous. I took this into account and made sure I said hello in a different way the next time.
Have you spoken to your friend to explain that this made you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps they didn't realise you didn't like what they were doing, especially if you were enjoying the conversation. If it's awkward to explain this in person, you could always do it over text or messaging? Hopefully this would then help to improve things if you chose to meet up with them again in future.
You are completely in your right to want boundaries and distance from people (even if we weren't experiencing COVID right now). I see that you've made this clear multiple times to him already, but he seems to just not have listened.
I know it may seem frustrating having to keep bringing it up, but could you message him saying that how he acted on this day made you feel uncomfortable and you're really not happy with how he acted? I think saying that you've said it before and he hasn't stuck to this also has made you feel this way, and ask him why he's not okay with respecting your boundaries? It's okay to stick up for yourself and be firm in some cases, but at the same time he is also your friend. I think approach it like a normal conversation at first, and see how he responds.
I might bring it up if he messages me first about how it made me feel but at this point im not that interested in talking to someone who repeatedly pushes like that or meeting up at all. I don't think he can respect my boundaries as things have happened before, i thought it was in the past but from this I don't believe things will change. I could try again but not really interested anymore. I guess if I did bring it up asking it in the form of a question would help but I feel its gone too far to be nice in any sort of way because thats the only way for me to feel better about it to distance myself from it reflect on it away from the incident.
It was fun to meet then a bit even though it made me uncomfortable and some aspects of that I dont want to repeat I don't see myself meeting with this person much again. I don't think its on me to explain things when I tried and get ignored already. Maybe part of it is that I feel awkward and don't really know what to think but I just feel somewhat disgusted by it. I mostly went out as I was bored and I wanted to catch up and see what happened or gain some advice or something.
He defo realised I was uncomfortable because he said he saw me uncomfortable and pulling away but they treated it like a phobia and laughed at me. And I said what are you doing, no im not interested and he said he wont again do certain stuff. Maybe I should have said a little more but it was hard in the moment when I was focused on talking and he was taking advantage of that. Basically I want a friend who is both respectful and nice to chill with that I can actually relax. Even beyond covid yeah I don't want my boundaries constantly crossed. I don't like the dynamic and I feel used. I don't believe that dynamic will shift.
until I put my foot down but even then the situation felt uncomfortable. I dunno im starting to feel better about it but I just dont fancy anything like this to happen again or at least willingly put myself in a situation which it might happen without good reason.
I know how peoples boundaries affects peoples self esteem and how they act or treat others in the future so I wanna be careful of that like only gain from the situtation.
And thanks for everyone who commented it is helping me work through things. i will still consider bringing it up but I dont feel like messaging at all unless i received something I dont really feel anything good or feel anything to gain other than just to explain things I guess. It just feels very uneasy and scary, i mean just like the flashbacks to it. It is possible they didnt know quite how bad but its difficult to explain anything to someone who doesnt quite get these things, considering previous attempts i dont think i can get through to them and I still dont know what to say other than to ask their motivations or say again that made me feel uncomfortable. I dont know if its the fact that being friendly is being misinterpreted because i was obviously uncomfortable later on and i said stuff about it.
You say that being friendly could be misinterpreted. Perhaps then is it worth explaining things in a different way?
It just doesn't make me feel good. I don't feel like I can bring it up without 1 going too far with it, 2 not saying much. But im guessing they will message me again sometime from their side so I will probs bring it up then least a bit say they werent respectful enough and that. I hadn't seen them for 2 years b4 that because they upset me for a completely different reason, they kept being mean to me I dont know if its just jokingly or whatever but it was really harsh and at the time I was feeling very very low. I didn't really mind either way if i met them again or not. That time maybe i did not say anything however i said i was "busy" after that (in a way that was one word reply) and thats it didnt talk anymore till recently. They said stuff to me like oh is that ur hobbies suck and stuff like ur privileged. I was very worried about a lot then.
I dont mind friendly banter but I was really feeling low at the time. And there were other things I didnt quite like so I felt just better to.
They werent mean at all this time in that sort of sense just like, everything I mentioned above. This time had good conversation in many ways.. however there was still a sense of something wrong and I didnt like it. I say I am their friend but not exactly close or anything. Just hurt because I trusted him enough to open up to and talk about stuffs. There are only so many times I want to give any friend a chance. There are more occasions and examples of bad things.
At least someone who likes you should respect your boundaries especially during a pandemic and I don't think it was right what he did when I asked for space for social distancing and I said before I don't want to be touched. If it isn't gonna work as friends I rather just walk away I think that is the sensible option. I don't think liking someone is a reason to repeatedly step over their boundaries make them uncomfortable to the point ur shaking or hurt them emotionally or act like the hurt you are causing is just a joke or a phobia something to be overcome or pushed against. No one should treat you like that at all. It was really intense very pushy repeatedly at a time i was extra careful and sensitive because I didn't want to risk getting covid. Plus this was someone I hadnt seen for ages. To suddenly get like this was a shock. Like I said I met someone before that and they respected my space and that we negotiated this.
If I liked someone and they didnt like me back I would always respect it. I know cuz a few times dont get feelings back being kinda bi.
I heard it was different for guys.. that they find it harder to respect that.. that they misinterpret friendliness.. stereotyping ofc however. Im not even that interested in heterosexual relationships generally tho when I am its not like this type at all. Friendship has always been more important to me and the basis of anything else.
It just makes me very unhappy and I don't want to compromise on my comfort just to make others "comfortable". It feels like someone trying to use me and trying to make out that im "just too scared". I feel like guys often get a free pass for this kind of behaviour. I went out just to catch up a bit and been bored cuz pandemic. I think this kind of stuff is not stuff of friendship. And tbh even if I liked someone if they acted like this I wouldnt want much to do with them.
You mentioned that he knew you were uncomfortable and treated it like a phobia, and laughed. He doesn't sound like he's understood you, and he hasn't listened multiple times. It shows that he's not a person you want to be around.
I think what matter's most now is how you deal with it. I understand on how it makes you feel, and you shouldn't have to ignore how you feel and your comfort just to see other people and be friends with them. I hope everything turns out okay
I thought I'd check in and see how you're doing. Are you feeling any better about things this week?
But I just had a small flashback of the event earlier or not so much the event itself but the sensation it gave. I dunno how but I still do feel kinda creeped out by it kinda cemented itself in my mind and made me a bit wary of going out again which is not good. When I just wanna relax that feeling of someone taking advantage of me and my space comes up and its kind of quite disturbing if honest. It's not like im like less trustful of ppl in general, its just everytime i try to think of having fun or being close to someone I get scared feelings or the sensation of being violated or not wanting to violate others space after the experience and being super careful. I mean yea its good to learn to respect peoples space and if u learn from things but the way I feel about it is bad. Im hoping I will recover from it all in whole but its honestly really creeped me out and that.
I’m sorry you’ve been having flashbacks to how the day made you feel. I think a lot of people are nervous about adjusting to the easing of Covid-19 restrictions especially since we all have our own perceptions of what makes us feel comfortable. It’s perfectly okay to do what feels right for you, whether that’s still wearing a mask or trying to social distance from others. Is it possible for you to let other friends know over text before you meet up how you would like to act?
Remember The Mix has a one-to-one chat or helpline service where you can share any concerns or worries. They might be able to provide you with some helpful advice.
I think im feeling a lot better now tho.
A lot of it is left over sensation kinda like a feeling of a ghost poking me xP but I feel it should dissipate over a bit of time so long as I dont feed the feeling. As for that specific "friend" I don't feel like doing anything related or contacting them I feel best for my mental health not to. But otherwise I think its kinda fading from my mind, which I think is a good thing overall.
You said the next before respected your boundaries in the past, so hopefully that's a good sign that your time with them will be okay and much better than before. I'm sorry that encounter with the specific person left you feeling like this, but doing it one step at a time, and gradually easing yourself in is the best thing to do.
Let us know how meeting your other friend goes! I hope you have a good time.