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Getting more suicidal

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
edited June 2021 in Health & Wellbeing
:’(. What’s the point anymore. I’m anxious around people, it’s not fun. Nothing is enjoyable. My mind is just on constant overload or on edge. I make no difference to anyone’s life. It’s all pointless. Wherever I go I feel like the least important person there. Like it wouldn’t make any difference if I was there. Im just a boring shy person who would easily slip away and no one would notice
I don’t really have anything going for me. And what is the point everyone’s going to be dead and no one will remember me after a certain point. Like nothing ever happened. Why bother. I just don’t really see the point.
When ever someone asks me how I am. I don’t think anyone truly care. Not even my twin sister. So why bother when no one gives a shit anyway. Clearly won’t care if I’m gone

Why carry on feeling so much pain in my chest for sadness when I could just end it all for good.

I have a way I would do it that I’ve never tried before. Just a simple fast way that will probably be painless cause it will be so fast and I can’t stop thinking about doing it:(
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • lovemimoonlovemimoon Posts: 2,318 Boards Champion
    Hi @Shaunie

    I'm sorry you're going through a really difficult time. <3

    Do you want to talk about it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Ex-Teenage Dirtbag Posts: 804 Part of The Mix Family
    I'm proud of you for still being here man, you won't feel like this forever
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks guys. But I will feel like this forever. I can’t imagine myself with a better job or end up with a family of my own. I’m too anxious to be that close with people. I’m just stuck where I am. I really don’t see anyway out of this other than killing my self :’(. Feel like I’m near the edge but safe atm
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 125 The Mix Convert
    Hey @Shaunie,

    I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this and going through such a tough time <3 It's important to voice your feelings, so thank you for sharing them with us, and know that there is no judgment here. If you don't feel like you can talk to your family or friends, please please please talk to us instead of acting on those thoughts <3

    You are brave for not acting on your thoughts, and you should be proud of yourself for that, it shows that you are a strong person. I know how hard it can be feeling like you have nothing going for you and that the future will not get better - but please know that you do, and it will! Please stick with it - one day you will be able to reflect on your strength and progress - and know how much people value you <3

    You are part of so many people's lives and you've helped people in this community. Please know that you are valued and make a positive impact on so many lives <3 x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 125 The Mix Convert
    @Shaunie There's also SHOUT https://giveusashout.org/ - a free anonymous messaging service that can be reached by texting SHOUT to 85258 <3 Please know that there are people out there who want to help and support you through these feelings <3
    Mike wrote: »

    If you're at breaking point @Shaunie, I would really encourage you to reach out to crisis services if you haven't already. I know you know them, but here are they are to save you some clicks:
    Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
    Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
    Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
    Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
    Do you have a safety plan? Something like this: https://stayingsafe.net/ST/


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 17 Settling in
    Hi @Shaunie, I'm so sorry that you're going through this at the moment, being that low sounds like an awful time, and I hope you get out of it soon. It's sooo easy to let ourselves think like this when we're feeling low, but once you take a step back and a bit of a breath, sometimes we realise we're letting our emotions control our thoughts, ones that aren't true. As someone has said above, it's case and point by this thread alone that you are valued and loved, otherwise people would not have taken the time out to reply to this! I don't know what's going on for you in your personal life, but I'm sure if your family, friends and loved one knew you were feeling like this, they would be crushed. They'd be mortified to learn how bad you were feeling, maybe without realising it themselves.

    Do you think you could speak to someone about this? Whether it be a loved one or a counsellor? Sometimes the first baby step is just admitting that you need help, and it can be difficult to even admit that sometimes.

    I'm so proud of you for reaching out here and telling us all how you feel, and I really encourage you to talk to somebody in your personal life if you can, but we're always here for you at The Mix <3

    I really wish you well and hope you feel better in the near future <3
  • Past UserPast User Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) Posts: 0 Just got here
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 64 Boards Initiate
    edited September 18
    Hey Shaunie,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling this low, it sounds like you are having a really hard time. I know it is hard to picture a future now and it feels as though that the weight of the world is on your shoulders.
    But you are important, I’m sure everyone here at The Mix would agree! The world might have dealt you a really bad hand, but the only way from rock bottom is up (cliché I know but it’s true).
    Future you will be so grateful that you gave them a chance by fighting on now. Baby steps are okay, you don’t have to work it all now. You are already winning by reaching out to us, that was very brave.

    @Past User couldn’t have worded it better we all value you and would hate to not hear from you again ❤️

    Big hugs,
    Jaz
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Keep being you<3 Posts: 1,489 Wise Owl
    @Shaunie Hi shaunie🥺I’m so sorry you feel like this just remember you are an amazing person no one would want you feeling like this we all really care about you even if you don’t believe it how I see it is we are one big family helping each other and we are here to help you. You deserve to be in this world and you deserve all the help you need in ever step of the way. We don’t know you in person but I know you are an amazing person really everyone is in some way. We are all unique sometimes things are difficult but I know you can do this remember you are strong just think to yourself every bad day becomes a better day with good opportunities.
    Also remember you have to have bad days to have 10x better good/amazing days <3
    Sending big hugs we love you!💓💓
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2021
    Thank you to everyone who commented. But I’m struggling so bad. I don’t know what to do 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭l

    It’s all I can think about atm. It’s too much. I just keep acting it out in my head.

    As the days go on the urges get stronger and stronger and i don’t know how it’s possible
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 64 Boards Initiate
    @Shaunie You are so brave for sharing how you feel that is a very important leap of faith! We are here to listen to you without judgement - get it all of your chest if you can and everything might feel a little less painful and sad.
    Siblings go through times where they are closer and more distant, I can assure you that is completely normal, I have two little sisters myself.
    Have you tried talking to your twin sister about how alone you feel?
    But please remember you are cared about and it would effect everyone here if we weren't to hear from you again <3
    If you feel like it is too overwhelming don't forger there are numbers you can call for free, people who will talk to you as long as you need like the Samaritans: 116123
    I would love to hear back from you soon, people do care <3
    sending you big hugs,
    Jaz <3
  • Past UserPast User Recovering🥀 Posts: 0 Just got here
    edited September 18
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 64 Boards Initiate
    hey @Shaunie,
    It's been a few days, so I thought I would check in to see how you are feeling today?
    Sending you hugs,
    Jaz <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Hey thank you guys

    I have very good news

    I have been referred to the mental health team for them to do an assessment on how my tonsils are affecting me mentally and they seem pretty positive that I could be getting them removed 🙂
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 890 Part of The Mix Family
    That’s really good to hear Shaunie :)
    Sending lots of hugs , I’m really happy for you and I hope it all goes well <3
    You're awesome!
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks for all your support guys. I’m gunna take a break from the boards but will post back in about two weeks if I make it that far lol

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    edited July 2021
    Hey, life sucks I feel the same way. No one would bother or bat an eyelid until those around you actually found out you succeeded. I genuinely just want to disappear. These last few days have been the worst. I’m in pain mentally and ready to give up but do I give it time?

    mod edit: removed triggering content
    Post edited by JustV on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Just here to send love and hugs, looking forward to having you back on the boards @Shaunie you are missed 💜
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Hi @Shaunie,
    When I was going through a phase this song brought me a lot of comfort and now it is one of my favs. I hope it does the same for you.
    The song: King by Lauren Aquilina
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 84 Budding Regular
    Hi @head_buzz_19.
    I'm sorry you're feeling like this and the last few days have been especially tough.

    I've been a very similar situation to you many times, and felt like no one cared about me at all. But someone does. All it takes is one person. And everyone on the boards here really love you and appreciate you!

    But it does get better. And you won't feel this way forever. Emotions and feelings do pass. I know everyone says it and it's hard to believe. So I think giving yourself time to see how you feel is important. You never know what the next day/hour will bring.

    It's been a few days since you posted this. How are you feeling now?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Hey guys I’m back.

    I’m sorry to hear a lot of people feeling the same :(

    Since I last posted I had my mental health assessment about my tonsils. My gp said it was to see if I do actually need them removing because of my mental health and while she agreed that it’s really affecting me she said It’s unlikely I’d get them removed. When my gp said it’s likely so who do I believe. I felt like the whole thing was a test and I didn’t really like it. I kept crying and was out in public cause I didn’t want the phone call at home. It was hard to speak when most of the time I was choking up and trying not to cry can’t speak at the same time

    Also little incident at work. And offered to speak to someone regularly about how I’m feeling. They will call me to the office to have a little chat which is very nice of them

    I feel really fed up.

    I still have the appointment with the ENT September but I don’t trust it will happen since it keeps getting moved. But I swear if they say no for my tonsils being removed I will not cope. I will harm myself and be in a&e everyday until they listen.

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi Shaunie, really glad to see you back 💜

    So am I understanding this right - your GP said it’s likely, but the mental health team you saw said it’s unlikely? That sounds like a really confusing mixed message, and like it was a really tough phone call, particularly to take out in public. Do you have any idea when you will hear back, would you consider talking to your GP again to try and clarify things?

    Sounds like someone is looking out for you at work which is lovely, glad to hear this. You deserve to have support and I’m glad this person is giving it to you 😊

    I hear you that you’re feeling fed up and I know there isn’t a lot I can say to make this better but just wanted to send hugs and let you know I care. Is there anything you’ve been doing that has given you some respite recently? Did the break from the boards help at all?

    Take good care Shaunie
    Lucy
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Yeah. It’s confusing @Lucy307 so I’ve had enough and I’ve booked a private consultation for Wednesday in Cambridge. Not sure how I’m gunna get there but I am very scared about it. I have an ENT appointment in September but I can’t wait that long for them to possibly say no and then wait forever if I could have surgery

    Yeah they are very understanding at work. I had another little incident again. But more embarrassing. I couldn’t stop crying so I ask for early break but he asked for a chat instead then I just came out with how I want to die. When I’ve never spoke to him about my mental health. It was embarrassing. I left the store and they went out looking for me as they told me to stay in the training room as they didn’t feel safe letting me leave. They rang my dad to tell them I left abruptly and was concerned about me. This was Wednesday

    I had a chat with one of them yesterday. She is a supervisor but in the office supervisor to do with P&CI feel comfortable speaking to her over any of the managers so she is the one I go to speak to now weekly. The manager I told I wanted to die thankfully wasn’t in yesterday I’m scared he is in today as I’m just so embarrassed

    Yesterday chat with supervisor had a little chat and made a plan on what will do if happens again. I was like don’t worry it won’t happen again but she was like yeah but it’s likely it will so have to do this. I was like yeah true. They said they’d ring 111. And put me in the training room but lock it from the outside so no one else can come in (but I’d be able to open it from the inside)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,040 Supreme Poster
    I’m really glad work are supportive. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, you’re struggling and it’s ok to speak about that. It sounds like they’ve put a good plan in place for you.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 19 Settling in
    I just wanna off myself rn
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Hey @head_buzz_19 things must be really rough right now. I'm around and available to talk if you feel like it. Either way I hope things get better soon.
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