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Struggling with my mental health
Past User
Posts: 1,997 Extreme Poster
Hey guys,
I don't really know what i'm looking for with this post. I think that I just want to get it out there and like share how i'm feeling. I've kept it mostly to myself because I thought that i'd just 'get over it' and this was something that I'd be able to just deal with alone. I'm starting to realise now though that i'm probably not just going to 'get over it' and i've gotten myself into a wee bit of a rut and I'm not too sure what to do.
I think that lock down has gotten to me. I mean, the first lock down was easy enough but back then i thought that everything would be normal again by now, but it's not and we're in another lock down. I've always been such a people-person. I'm at my happiest when I'm surrounded by happy people. My friends or even strangers. It has felt like soo long since i've been able to be around people and i'm really starting to feel like everything that kept me going in the past has now been taken away and It's so difficult. I understand the need for lock down and I don't think that we shouldn't be in one, it's just exhausting.
My parents have changed my school. I've been accepted into a boarding school and was supposed to move tomorrow. Obviously, because of COVID this has been delayed. So, I was really looking forward to like seeing all of my friends again and getting back into football and stuff and now i've lost my friends because i'm moving away. I told my parents that i don't want boarding school but it's pointless arguing with them. They say they want whats best for my education but what about what's best for my mental health? I'm going to be surrounded by people who are so clever and i'm going to be nothing like them and I don't even know if i'll have the confidence to make friends because i've not spoken to folk in what feels like forever. I'm really worried about being alone and being away from home. I've seen the school timetable and it's so strict, I really don't think i'll cope.
TW-
I don't really know what to do with myself right now. Things are hard and i've not ever felt this low before. It's every.single.day and it's so exhausting. Really just want to feel happy again but right now that just doesn't look like it's going to happen.
Sorry about the long post of me just feeling sorry for myself loll.
I don't really know what i'm looking for with this post. I think that I just want to get it out there and like share how i'm feeling. I've kept it mostly to myself because I thought that i'd just 'get over it' and this was something that I'd be able to just deal with alone. I'm starting to realise now though that i'm probably not just going to 'get over it' and i've gotten myself into a wee bit of a rut and I'm not too sure what to do.
I think that lock down has gotten to me. I mean, the first lock down was easy enough but back then i thought that everything would be normal again by now, but it's not and we're in another lock down. I've always been such a people-person. I'm at my happiest when I'm surrounded by happy people. My friends or even strangers. It has felt like soo long since i've been able to be around people and i'm really starting to feel like everything that kept me going in the past has now been taken away and It's so difficult. I understand the need for lock down and I don't think that we shouldn't be in one, it's just exhausting.
My parents have changed my school. I've been accepted into a boarding school and was supposed to move tomorrow. Obviously, because of COVID this has been delayed. So, I was really looking forward to like seeing all of my friends again and getting back into football and stuff and now i've lost my friends because i'm moving away. I told my parents that i don't want boarding school but it's pointless arguing with them. They say they want whats best for my education but what about what's best for my mental health? I'm going to be surrounded by people who are so clever and i'm going to be nothing like them and I don't even know if i'll have the confidence to make friends because i've not spoken to folk in what feels like forever. I'm really worried about being alone and being away from home. I've seen the school timetable and it's so strict, I really don't think i'll cope.
TW-
I'm feeling particularly low right now. My self-esteem and self-worth is pretty much at rock bottom. I've really considered just like ending it all and it hurts so much to say that because I know that i'm loved and i know that it'll break my parents hearts. I guess it's kind of selfish but when i'm in the moment and i'm just wanting to die, I don't really think about my parents or the people who would miss me. I just feel like i'm in such a rut right now and there's no end in sight. I am trying really friggin hard to help myself but i have no motivation. I just want to stay in my room and to be left alone. I've tried though, i went out for a run the other day and i ran for about 5 minutes and then had this sense of dread, i suddenly felt really tired so i went back home and went back to bed. I've been having nightmares about things that happened in the past and so i'm not sleeping. Every day feels long and just miserable. I keep saying i'm okay but I really don't think that i am.
I keep getting these thoughts of just ending everything and i'm such an impulsive person, i scare myself sometimes. I told mam when i was feeling kind of better and i told the GP too. Still just feel the same though. The thoughts tend to pass like after 10 minutes or so but they're still frightening.
I even tried SH. It's not been something that had ever crossed my mind before but I just wanted to feel something and so i tried it. I got nothing from it and I don't think i'd do it again. I just hit such a low and I didn't know what to do with myself.
Memories of abuse that had happened when i was younger have been dragged up pretty unexpectedly and i'm really struggling with that. I had them buried but now they're here again and the feelings surrounding them are demanding to be felt. I keep trying to ignore it but I know it's not helping me. I cancelled counselling because I'm not ready to talk about what I NEED to talk about. But it's been 6 years, will i ever be ready?
I keep getting these thoughts of just ending everything and i'm such an impulsive person, i scare myself sometimes. I told mam when i was feeling kind of better and i told the GP too. Still just feel the same though. The thoughts tend to pass like after 10 minutes or so but they're still frightening.
I even tried SH. It's not been something that had ever crossed my mind before but I just wanted to feel something and so i tried it. I got nothing from it and I don't think i'd do it again. I just hit such a low and I didn't know what to do with myself.
Memories of abuse that had happened when i was younger have been dragged up pretty unexpectedly and i'm really struggling with that. I had them buried but now they're here again and the feelings surrounding them are demanding to be felt. I keep trying to ignore it but I know it's not helping me. I cancelled counselling because I'm not ready to talk about what I NEED to talk about. But it's been 6 years, will i ever be ready?
I don't really know what to do with myself right now. Things are hard and i've not ever felt this low before. It's every.single.day and it's so exhausting. Really just want to feel happy again but right now that just doesn't look like it's going to happen.
Sorry about the long post of me just feeling sorry for myself loll.
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Comments
I’m so sorry to hear how had things right now. I just wanted to say it’s definitely not selfish to feel this way. Feeling low certainly doesn’t make you ungrateful, you’ve got an awful lot on your plate it’s ok to struggle but I promise you pal you never have to struggle on your own.
Im really sorry to hear how low you’ve been. Talking to a gp is an amazing thing to do. those thoughts can be really frightening and hard to deal with on your own. Sometimes I write mine out and tear them up. Another thing I’ve found extremely helpful is the mix cricis line if you find yourself in a really low spot I really recommend it.
As for long nights I often post here and watch films or find a repetitive task like plaiting wool or string.
I don’t know if you’ll ever be ready but we’ll be here if you ever need to talk a long the way. We’re so incredibly proud of you for opening up, I’m sorry if that came off patronising.
I don’t have any advice liam I just want to say it’s ok to struggle and hit lows, but it doesn’t make you weak or ungrateful. It takes strength to listen to your feelings to acknowledge your not doing well and to reach out.
I’m sorry to hear about the self harm and I know you said you probably won’t do it again but here’s a link just in case.
Its not ungrateful to think about wanting everything to stop. But it’s important to talk about it, I know that’s what helped me letting it out. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you ever need anything just some one to vent to or anything at all we’re here.
You’re not feeling sorry for yourself, you’re hurting and your reaching out you never have to apologise for that. Sorry if this came off rude or patronising. Just wanted to say that we care about you buddy and I know it may seem scary but you can always be with honest with us. You’re kind and supportive to so many people and it’s perfectly ok to let us be there for you.
I know how tough everything has been for you recently and you're doing so well. I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise, you really are.
It's understandable that lockdown has really pulled you down. No one would blame you for saying that. I can't even begin to imagine how this has been for you.
I'm really sorry that you're not looking forward to boarding school. It's not for everyone and I really do understand now why you don't want to go. Just remember that you deserve to be there, otherwise they wouldn't have accepted you. I know that won't make it easier in the classroom but I bet you'll make a ton of new mates. You really are a people person so I don't doubt that you'll fit right in with everyone. I really wish your parents would listen to your views though, it's your life and your mental health comes above everything else. I know I can't change it but hopefully we can help you get through it.
It's so good that you've been able to speak up about this. I know it doesn't feel like it, but the more you talk about it hopefully the more it will help you.
If anything ever gets too much for you regarding the schedule or ANYTHING else while you're away from home, do what I didn't do and tell someone. The staff are there to help you, they're there for you and it's okay to talk to them. They can help you and remember it's okay to take a day off here and there to bring yourself back together.
Nightmares are a tough one and there's not much to stop them from happening. The thing that's been helping me sleep through the night recently is having some light music playing in the background. We play classical but it can honestly be anything that fills the silence. Have a bottle of water beside you in case you wake up from a nightmare. It can help you get back to sleep. There are lots of meditation apps that can help. I know there's no quick cure, but it's about finding out what works for you. Judging by the time I'm awake tonight, you'll probably see it doesn't always work. I know the schedule is putting you off however it might help you having a set routine in place as often that can help others. And if not, that's okay too.
It's okay to not feel okay, and it's okay to have low days. I'm really glad we're here and able to try and help you
And yes, with the abuse, it's been 6 years, it's okay not to feel ready to talk about it. I know I'm giving you a lot of personal experience but I guess I'm trying to say that it's okay to take your own time to feel ready and to do things. It took me 7 years to tell anyone about my living situation and then 6 years to start opening up and acknowledging the situation after I was removed from my mum. I'm also not saying it'll take that long, but just because you don't feel ready now, doesn't mean you won't ever feel ready.
You're an amazing young man and you've got a brilliant life ahead of you. If you decide to join the navy, I'm sure you'll succeed in every single way. Have you had a look into some of the cadets and similar things? They give you a lot of amazing experience that prepares you for a job in the navy. If you need help finding anything, you always know where I am.
I really do hope you're sleeping now and feeling okay and you know where I am if you're not
I second absolutely everything that the others have written here. I’m also incredibly proud of you for speaking out about everything because I know how hard this will have been for you, I know you don’t like talking about how you’re feeling. But you’ve been doing so well recently talking about everything and not bottling it all up, and that’s something you should be proud of too.
I’m honestly really sorry to hear how low you’ve been feeling and I wish I could help you more. You deserve to be happy again, and with time and support you will be
Well done for speaking to your GP too, that must of been scary but you did it!! Did they offer you any help or anything? I know the services are stretched but you deserve support too and I reallllly hope the GP was helpful.
Boarding school is a massive change and it’s totally understandable to feel the way you do about going. It’s so hard to get through to parents, and some people just seem to forget that mental health is a thing and not everything is going to be easy. I agree that if you’re struggling when you’re at school, please do talk to someone about it because the last thing you need right now is to feel like you’re alone with your thoughts.
I get how frightening the thoughts can be, I’ve been there myself. And even if they pass quickly it’s still a scary experience to have. You’re never alone though, and as the others have said we’re all here if you need to talk or anything. Either by posting on here or sending one of us a message if you’d rather do that anytime.
The sleepless nights are tough I hear you on that (I’m here writing this at 2am lol so I get how that feels). You sound like you’re exhausted with everything.
I know this is long already lol so I just wanted to send you huge hugs, know we’re always here and we care about you a lot. You’re a great friend!
Take care of yourself
There's not much I can say that the amazing posts by @SpaceOtter @independent_ and @Anch0r33 have not already covered. Two things I will add are:
Lockdown has been incredibly tough for peoples mental health. Especially the isolation and complete change to our daily lives and routine. I never thought I would be exhausted hanging out in my house nearly all day but you are right that the change is incredibly exhausting. I hope you are still finding ways to hang out with your friends virtually. I know it's not the same as seeing people face-to-face but you could try arrange a Zoom call with your friends. Netflix Party is a nice alternative to the usual zoom quizzes and stuff if you need some inspiration
In regards to boarding school, I am sorry that you don't want to go and that your parents won't listen to your objections, i can't imagine how frustrating that must be for you. In regards to eventually going to boarding school: this isn't the exact same but I can still remember my first night after moving to University. I felt like I was surronded by people infintely smarter and more accomplished than me and that I would never be able to make friends. I remember calling up my mum on the first night and crying as I told her how much I regretted coming to Uni. That wasn't reality speaking but rather my own anxiety. None of that ended up being true. You might be at times feel that you are surronded by people who are 'clever' but I think it's important to remember that you got into the school on the back of your own accomplishments, just like everyone else. You deserve to be there just as much as anyone else. Sometimes when I am sitting in class I still get the feeling that maybe I don't actually belong there and that somehow I've managed to fool everyone to get to where I am. If you feel like this often, I'd recommend maybe talking a look at some articles on imposter syndrome. If you do struggle while you are there make sure to reach out for support
Take care of yourself and remember that you can always reach out on the Boards when you do need help
@SpaceOtter
Thank you for the hug and for your kind words. You have been so helpful to me and i can't tell you how grateful i am for that. I like the idea of writing things down and then ripping up the paper. I think i'll try that. I'd recently bought a note pad to do a 'journal' kind of thing. I wanted to do like the theme of @Anch0r33 scale of 1-10 post but every day so that i can keep track of how i'm feeling. I'll try that idea though, writing down some of the things that i'm perhaps not ready to share with others and then ripping it up. Thanks for sharing that tip. Your comments never come across as rude or patronising. They are so helpful and i am so grateful that you even read my post (i know it was long and full of waffle) let alone leave me a reply. Thank you again.
@Anch0r33
Thank you so much Anchor for being there for me. You've helped me through and taught me so much. There are some aspects of the school that sound good, like the sports. Apparently they're big on sports so I think that i'd really enjoy that. I'm not usually like this. Usually i'm super excited to meet new people but it's just the idea of them being super clever and I know that folk typically think of boarding school students as 'posh' and i'm just ... not... Thanks for the tips re. the nightmares. I try to do sleep meditations every night before bed and they relax me but they don't stop the nightmares. Also, thanks for the reassurance re. the abuse and not feeling ready to talk about it. I know you've had one heck of a journey of reaching out and finally opening up about what happened with you. I hope that i can feel ready to do that one day. I've not looked into cadets or anything, it sounds like something i'd enjoy though. Cheers pal.
@Jordan
Thank you for the top advice. I have done a fair bit of Netflix party and like gaming with pals through the internet. Just feels weird not being around people and when I’m doing exercises I’m having to do them alone like going for a run or doing a joe wicks video and I miss not being able to play football with the lads or going for a run with friends or whatever. I know it’s not permanent, I think we’re all just feeling super fed up right now 😴 . Thank you for sharing your experience with uni. That’s reassuring. It’s not so much that I ‘worked’ to get into the school or whatever, they did accept me because of my passion of sports but mostly it was because my parents were willing to pay without them supporting haha. I just hope that I fit in and that the lessons aren’t too much for me. Thanks again.
I spoke to the doctor again because I was feeling just too low, didn’t feel safe to be alone at one point and now I’ve got some meds to try out. Had a few days where I just wanted to sleep the days away and couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed or talk to anyone and yet yesterday I sprung out of bed and was happy and overly hyper pretty much for the whole day. Idk, maybe I’m just odd hah. Feeling a bit down today but not half as down as I have been feeling so that’s a positive.
Thank you SO much for always being supportive and fab. The doctor offered me counselling yeah, he said the waiting list was long but at the time I was already doing counselling and paying for it. I cancelled it though because after giving it my best shot, I decided counselling just wasn’t for me and I’m certain it was making me feel worse. Not the counselling itself but stressing about upcoming appointments. So grateful to know you and blessed to be able to call you a pal ❤️ Thank youuu!
im really sorry you’re struggling so bad with motivation. It can be so over powering. That sense of dread is horrible and just makes anyone want to stay in bed and do nothing. Fighting this is excuasting but we are all here to back you up all the way and believe in you
You said you can be an implusive person have you thought about making a safety plan for when you may get these moments of being very suicidal. Btw it is definitely not selfish when you you know it can break your parents heart. Sometimes all we can think about is ending the pain which is a very natural thing to do when suffering so bad
lockdown is very hard. It’s making me think like what if I’ve lost my social skills lol but tbf I don’t think I had any in the first place ahah. I think it will naturally come back to you when you get speaking!
take lots of care @Liam and be kind to yourself and you’re with others !
100% wanted to second (third? fourth?) what all the others have said - it’s been super brave if you to go talk to your doctor and I’m so glad you got some support. I know it doesn’t always feel like it helps straight away but eventually hopefully you’ll find some stuff (meds/ therapy/ whatever combo) that works for you.
Sorry you’ve been getting nightmares about past stuff, they’re the worst
Re the counselling - I so feel you on feeling like it makes things worse. Just wanted to gently suggest that that’s a common experience initially when first trying therapy, because it’s like. Bringing up things you don’t like to think about? (Or, alternately, working really damn hard to repress them). And that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not ready for therapy. It might just mean you need to go a little slower. Or, say, if a psychological based therapy isn’t for you, try something more behaviour/ action based like CBT? And finally sometimes you just don’t click with the therapist, and that can make things harder, too, but you always have the right to change.
Of course, if you gave it a good shot and didn’t feel it was worth it - that’s so valid. There’s a time and place for everything and actually @independent_ has made a point I hadn’t ever considered - counselling is maybe not for everyone. Some people work better on meds and friends and baking. All just about finding what works for you, and you know you best
Big hugs, buddy. Look after yourself. You’re so loved. xx
Thank you so much, Shaunie for taking the time and reply to read my waffling
@Arianna
Ahhh! It feels like forever since I've seen you on the boards! Thank you SO much for taking the time to reply to me. I had a good few days since posting this but had a wobble again today. Hoping for a better day tomorrow 🤞. Nightmares are the worst, I hate them. I usually wake up really confused and can't catch my breath because they're feeling so real. Thanks for the suggestion of blankets or teddies, ill try that. I think I want to buy a weighted blanket, apparently, they're good for nightmares. Thanks for reassuring me that they will pass. Hopefully, they lose their power soon cause it's starting to get tiring
Just echoing thats counselling isn’t for everyone. Maybe counselling will be right for you in the future but it’s ok if it’s not right now. It’s like with certain medical procedures, even if the patient needs it sometimes it’s best to wait until a time the body is in a better condition to handle it. Well done for knowing what’s best for you and taking the steps that are right for you.
We’re always here for you. You’re awesome
Hope you had an easier day today pal. Sucks that things are so hard but you’re doing so super well talking about it and trying to get support and do things that make you feel better.
The weighted blanket sounds like a solid idea, a lot of people say they’re helpful with nightmares and also more broadly with anxiety and wanting touch comfort, too
I don’t think it’s daft at all that you cancelled your counselling (and I so understand the anxiety running up to the appointment, I always hated that too). That’s far from the only thing you’re doing to feel better. Honestly mate you’re being super proactive and self aware, and you’re doing things to try to feel better, and honestly even if you weren’t it wouldn’t mean you were daft or any less deserving of love and support. Okay?x
Sending you love!x
I don't really like talking about things or talking about me in general. It makes me uncomfortable but I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to right now and so I'm feeling pretty alone with everything.
I'm feeling like I've lost everyone at this point, I fell out with my parents and now I'm living with my Granda. I've lost a lot of my friends due to my school change and the friends I have left, I convince myself that they hate me and so I shut them out or just start to dislike them for not being honest with me and for leading me on. Like, even though it might not be true and they might not hate me I genuinely feel like I dislike my friends sometimes for being fake with me. I feel like I'm going into self-destruct mode right now and just shutting off from like... everything and everyone and idk lol it's stupid.
When I initially posted this I was like crying and feeling all emotional and I'm just not feeling that now. I'm not really feeling anything other than fed up and tired of life.
I feel like a shitty person. I don't even know what to do to help myself at this point lol I just wanna hide away from everyone and just pretend I don't exist or whatever. I hate myself and just feel like my lifes falling apart and I'm tired of tryna put pieces back together because when I do, something else goes wrong.
I'm having bad days where I can't motivate myself enough to get out of bed and then days when I'm overly happy and the days when I'm happy make me feel like I'm faking having depression and so it's hard to talk to the GP. I was given Fluoxetine but the day I got it I was happy so felt like a fake so decided not to take it.
I suppose I've only really got myself to blame for not trying. I dunno. I've just had enough lol and I'm super lonely, not making things better by pushing away the friends I have left but it's hard to talk to them when I've convinced myself that they don't like me agh lol
idk what i want
No one could ever hate you!! You’re so kind, your supportive words means so much to me and so many others. I get it, sometimes our brains like to play tricks on us and make us think that people are being fake/hate us when they really don’t, and could never. I find reassurance is helpful. You’re awesome!!
I get the feeling fed up and ‘tired of life’, it’s a lonely place to be in. You’re not a shitty person, you’re great. You’re not a fake, how you’re feeling is totally valid, in fact I totally understand because I feel like that too. You’re not too late to start the fluoxetine now either, if nothing else it could help you to feel more ‘level’ and stop you going from feeling really really low to really ‘happy’.
You are trying, I see that. Please know that my inbox is always open, I’m on my phone a lot so if you ever want someone to talk to I’m always happy to listen, none of what you’re saying is stupid. Absolutely none of it.
Sending massive hugs
Hey liam big hugs , I wish I could say something more helpful, I wish I could take the pain away I really do. I related to a lot of what you said and I wish I had answers. All I can say is we’re always here for you. We’re always happy to listen. I know how hard it can be to open up, it can feel horribly uncomfortable but it’s important. You should be proud of yourself for opening up and I’m really glad you continue to talk to us. Keep posting we’ll always be here.
You’re a good person Liam but I know you won’t believe me right now. Our minds have a way of lying to us, a way of making us focus on the worst things about ourselves. We spend all our time with ourselves, we often focus on our flaws until they’re all we see. Sometimes we only see the bad impacts we’ve had and fail to miss the good. We have no idea how we’ve helped people, how many people think about us and smile, how many people we’ve cheered up when they’ve felt low. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me Liam. Some days when I’m struggling I read the words people including you have sent me and they make me feel less alone, they make me think maybe I can do this. You’re funny profile picture alone helps more than you could know, everytime I see it I find myself smiling.
What’s happening isn’t your fault Liam. If you had a cold you wouldn’t blame yourself for it’s effects . This isn’t your fault Liam. As for feeling happy sometimes it doesn’t change the fact your struggling it doesn’t make you a fraud. Depression can look like many different things for different people, and having good days doesn’t make it any less real. We’re always here and we’re always here to listen.
What’s happening isn’t stupid. You’re struggling and that’s ok, I promise you’re never alone.
Sorry I can’t help more, always happy to listen.
The thing about your friends makes sense. And sometimes, yeah, that is just a mood thing - when you’re feeling low you want to push others away. And sometimes it just means people are human and we aren’t going to like everyone, or even everything about one person. Some of my best friends have things about them I don’t always understand or like. And I guess it’s about figuring out what’s worth it, to you, and what you’re willing to trade in a friendship. Like. Can you love them with that thing even if it makes them imperfect?
But I get that it’s hard. You feel bad in your head and it makes you angry and judgemental at everyone, for small things you wouldn’t otherwise have thought mattered. It’s a depression thing, buddy, not necessarily a them or you thing. And sometimes you just have to give it time, to settle, and to remember why you liked them as people in the first place.
Liam, you’re allowed to feel shitty, and to feel lonely, and to want to hide away. Those are valid things to feel. They don’t make you a shitty person, or mean that you’re to blame, or that you’re not trying. I promise. Shit’s hard, pal. You’re allowed to feel that.
And you are trying. You really are. Every day you wake up and take a deep breath and stay alive, that’s you trying. None of the rest of it has to matter. I’ve avoided counselling and meds and all the lot of it since the first lockdown, and yeah, okay, some people say that means I’ve not ‘tried’ to help myself, but it’s not true. I’ve done what I feel I can do, safely, in these circumstances and at this time, and that’s enough.
You’re doing alright, buddy. Honest. You’re allowed not to know what you want. Just take a deep breath and take it a day at a time. We’ve got your back xx