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PTW: idk I just need a hug

independent_independent_ Resident Coffee AddictScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
I’ve put off posting this because I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t really. But couldn’t get into SC because of my internet. But at the moment I just feel really rubbish, I say I’m ok all the time when people ask because I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want to look like I’m looking for it by always being that person who says how terrible my day has been when people ask how I am. 

I just have this constant sadness which never goes away and often gets overwhelming to the point where I just want to hide. I’m always tired, don’t have much energy for anything really and spend far too much time on my phone trying to make it look like everything is fine to people. I’m ashamed to admit I self harm and I don’t really have any other ways of coping with things. I started counselling a few weeks ago and I was so hopeful that it’d help, or have at least started to help by now. But honestly I’m really struggling with it, I find it hard to speak about things to my counsellor and struggle to have the motivation to change that. Idk if it’s possible to be in too much of a bad headspace for it to help?  
 
 Honestly all I ever wish for is to actually feel happy, I haven’t for a long time and I’ve got so used to feeling like shit that it’s almost become normal. But at the same time it’s so overwhelming but the one person who could actually help me with it, I struggle to open up to. That doesn’t make sense does it. I just want this to stop, but I don’t know how. 

 I’d had a few days where I’d felt a bit better, not exactly good but not absolutely terrible, but in the past few it’s just back to how I was. But those few days made me realise how much I miss feeling ok.  

 Idk what I’m trying to say here but really I just need someone to acknowledge this, everyone off the internet is either too busy, going through shit themself or just don’t care.
“Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
Past UserGreenTeaAnch0r33Past UserAidanSalix_alba_2019Millie2787DandelionLorryTruck_Tech_Addict_GirlLucy307
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Comments

  • Past UserPast User Posts: 91 The Mix Convert
    edited November 2020
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    independent_LorryTruck
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Hey @errrin thank you for replying <3 im sorry it’s taken me a bit to get back to you here. Your reply is so much appreciated, I was gonna go to SC but my internet wasn’t working so I decided to write this in my phone. I almost didn’t post it. Feel really anxious now that I have. I always do. But yeah I guess getting it out there was good.

    I actually have a journal, it’s online but I just struggle to find the motivation to write in it every day. I struggle with routine too because my focus isn’t good and I just let myself get out of it.

    Thank you for the ideas re the small steps, yeah I think sometimes I try to make steps wayyy too big. Even in counselling im kinda finding that.

    It’s not patronising at all, it was actually really helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my little rant <3 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    Past User
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 3,029 Boards Guru
    Am not sure what to say Elle, but you deserve to be happy and I hope it was good for you to vent and get things off your chest. You're a good member of the community (when you behave :tongue: ) and a great friend.

    Take care pal, and am here if you ever want a chat :heart:
    but idk tho
    independent_Past UserLorryTruck
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Aww thank you @Aidan <3<3 I wrote this when my internet was broken lol, I’m behaving, my internet isn’t.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    LorryTruck
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    Elle,

    I agree with what has been said above by both Aidan and Erin. We are all here for you and care about you so very much. You're a brilliant community member and an even more brilliant friend. <3

    I know that you often say that you're doing fine even when you're not. I've noticed you do it before but i didn't want to push anything out of you. I would like you to know that it's OK to honest. If you're feeling rubbish, it's okay to tell people that's the way you're feeling. It's not about sympathy or being "that person". If your friends are asking you how you're doing, it's because they care and they want to be there for you. Please don't be afraid to be honest, be brutally honest. If ever you'd like to share, we're all here to listen to you whether thats daily or once in a blue moon. That's what pals are for :)<3

    I'm so sorry that you're feeling down, it sounds rough and to be feeling this way constantly it must be so draining. I think that a lot of people spend time on their phone pretending life is full of rainbows and sunshine but for most, life's not full of that at all so please don't feel like you need to do that.  

    Although i'm sorry to hear it, you don't have to be ashamed to admit that you SH, this is a coping mechanism for sooo many people. Have you looked into alternative coping mechanisms? i've just had a wee look online and i'll list some below in a spoiler. I appreciate they might not work, but give them a try? I'm only saying it because i care about you and don't want you to be physically hurt on top of already feeling so down <3

    Snapping an elastic band on your wrist
    Put your hands into a sink of cold water
    Wrap ice in a towel and put it onto your skin ( be careful with this one)
    Take a hot shower and use a good exfoliating body wash and a sponge or glove and scrub!
    Exercise - Sit ups etc
    Punching a punch bag or pillow
    Popping bubble wrap
    Popping balloons
    Playing with a stress ball/fidget cube
    Calling a helpline Samaritans or text SHOUT
    Reach out on here or to friends/ family.. even just for a chat
    Try to distract yourself with a movie
    Listen to calming music



    Sorry to hear that you're unsure about counselling at the moment. You say that you started a few weeks ago so it's still early days, don't give up just yet. Perhaps you could try to talk to your counsellor about your concerns? They should be able to understand because i'm sure that you're not the only person who's had these thoughts and questions.

    I wish for you to be truly happy too. You deserve it so much. You are such a fantastic person, honestly pal you deserve the world. 

    I want you to know that i hear you and I can see that you're hurting right now but i think that you are dealing with this incredibly well. You are taking steps to help yourself and nobody can ask more of you. Keep going, keep seeing your counsellor and keep talking to us. We all care about you so much.

    Big love buddy <3



    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Aww @Liam, that’s incredibly kind of you, thank you very much <3 it’s so well thought out and I appreciate that!

    I just don’t like to bother people, I don’t want to make their lives worse or harder or create more problems for them than they already have. Sometimes it’s just easier to say I’m ok than have all those thoughts about how I’m bothering the other person or people. I even have it posting on here and I soooooo nearly didn’t post this. 

    Thank you for sharing those methods for coping, I’ll definitely give some of those a try. I say I’m ashamed because I know it’s so unhealthy and it makes me so guilty but in those moments it seems like the only thing that will help.

    Last week I spoke to my counsellor and told her I was really struggling generally and not finding the whole therapy thing easy and she was really understanding and supportive. But and here is my overthinking self back again haha, I just think I don’t get my point across well, and that things will never get easier even though she’s so nice. And I can’t get the numbers out of my head, I think the maximum number of sessions I can have with her is 12 and I’ve already had 4. I know I need to stop thinking numbers but I can’t loll.

    Thank you for your kind words reading all of these has been really helpful <3 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    edited November 2020
    Sure thing, buddy. No need for the thank yous :)

    You're not bothering people by being honest but i understand why you might think that. A good way to look at it would be to take a friend for example, If they were feeling super rubbish and down, would you expect them to just hold it all in and not talk to people on the off chance that they're  'bothering' whoever they open up to? Of course not :) . It's healthy to talk and to let it all out. I also really appreciate how tough it is to post on the boards, I had a difficult time doing that too and questioned "should i, shouldn't i?" but i don't regret it and i hope that you don't either :) 

    Sure thing re. the coping mechanisms, there were lots online. If you search "Healthy coping mechanisms" there are tons of websites with hundreds of different ways to feel more able to cope. I know that when you feel so down it's tempting to just do what you're used to and SH but try to remember how important you are and keep telling yourself that you don't deserve that kind of pain. There are things that will help, i promise.. it's just finding the things that help you because everyone and every situation is so different.

    I'm glad that you felt able to talk to your counsellor about that. To be honest, i think that i'd be constantly thinking about the numbers too. It might be worth trying not to count down the sessions that you have left but make the most out of the one you're in. Plan ahead on what you'd like to discuss in your next session and maybe you could talk to your counsellor about what you hope to get out of counselling? I know that it's really difficult and i wish counsellors could offer unlimited sessions.

    You're doing great <3






    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Honestly @Liam thank you so much your replies have been so helpful and reassuring to read. You’re absolutely right that I’d never want anybody to feel they couldn’t talk to me in case they thought they were bothering me, idk why I think this I think it’s from years of telling nobody, I didn’t even make any support posts on here for years after I joined even though I desperately needed to for several of them. I definitely don’t regret making this post but it does make me very anxious posting and putting my thoughts out there. I still have the note I made in my phone for this post too.

    Yeah I’m really glad you shared those healthy coping mechanisms I think it’s just difficult sometimes to think I need to do something more healthy. I can usually try and often it works but sometimes I can’t. 

    Yeah you’re right about the counselling I think my counsellor asked me in the first session what I wanted to get out of it. I can’t remember exactly what I said but I think it was something similar to on here, I just want to feel better and be able to deal with things better. My brain just goes round and round and round in circles all the time thinking and thinking and overthinking about everything though so I’m always worst case scenario and my current worry is that I’ll hit the limit of sessions and I won’t feel better. I really don’t want to have to resort back to medication and try a different one to the one I tried a few months ago, after my experience with that I really wanted to give other options without a chance before thinking about another medication.

    You all talk soooo much sense on here <3<3 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    Past User
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    Also, this might not be helpful for you but it helps me.

    When i'm having a rubbish day i always find myself coming back to this poem
    It's called Instructions for a bad day and it's written/spoken by Shane Koyczan 



    I'll usually close my eyes and really listen to his words. It's a brilliant poem. Give it a listen :)



    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Liam said:
    Also, this might not be helpful for you but it helps me.

    When i'm having a rubbish day i always find myself coming back to this poem
    It's called Instructions for a bad day and it's written/spoken by Shane Koyczan 



    I'll usually close my eyes and really listen to his words. It's a brilliant poem. Give it a listen :)



    Thank you for sharing that @Liam, I will definitely have a look at that <3 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    Past User
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    No problem, I hope the words help a little... This bit especially

    "Silence left to its own devices breed’s silence so speak and be heard.
    One word after the next, express yourself and put your life in the context – if you find that no one is listening, be loud.
    Make noise.
    Stand in poise and be open.
    Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on.
    In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again.
    Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen:  the deaf will hear you with their eyes; the blind will see you with their hands.
    Let your heart fill their news-stands; let them read all about it.
    Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights.
    Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but come back.
    They will tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack despair you can even wear your sorrow – but come tomorrow you must change your clothes.
    Everyone knows pain.
    We are not meant to carry it forever"

    Off to sleep now, keep being amazing <3
    independent_
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 4,072 Community Veteran
    Hey you <3 

    Right now me and everyone else are so so proud of you for keeping going when things are so difficult right now . I know that’s not easy so me snd louie are definitely proud of you.
    I say I’m ok all the time when people ask because I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want to look like I’m looking for it by always being that person who says how terrible my day has been when people ask how I am. 
    I wonder and correct me if I’m wrong but when you say this it sounds like you just want someone to listen , someone to just be able to get things of your chest to . I know for me their have been times where that’s all I wanted I didn’t want advice and I didn’t want the sympathy I just wanted someone to be there to listen to me.
    I think it’s just difficult sometimes to think I need to do something more healthy.
    This is okay , I think when we reach the point of needing to feel like we’ve got to self harm it means we’re pretty overwhelmed and it can be hard to think of anything else . When your feeling abit better , maybe it might be worth to just sit and have a think about what those early warning signs that you might resort to self harm are , that way your able to put the healthy coping strategies in place if that makes sense 

    I know the counselling has been a worry for you since you started it and the best thing I can say is share those worries with her , She can help and might be able to offer solutions . 

    I know only having 14 sessions it bit of a pain but I wonder if maybe during the period between your sessions when something crops up that’s made you upset or overwhelmed you could write it somewhere and then just before your session refer back to them so you know what you want to talk about ? 

    I’m aware of the fact you said you don’t want to try medication again and the sertraline put you off last time but I just wanted to reassure you that there are plenty of other options out there , and sertraline tends to be the worse one for side effects I've found , I’ve had both Fluoxetine and Citalopram and found the side effects much less intense , but again everyone is going to react differently so I think if you reach a stage where you think actually medication might be helpful right now then share those concerns with the GP. They are there to support you through the process.

    im aware this has turned out quite lengthy so I’ll leave it here , much Hugs and lots of Louie love for you and again I’m so so proud of you <3

    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Hey @Millie2787 thank you soo much <3 you’re always so kind to me. 

    I think you’re right sometimes I just want someone to listen, but my brain always just jumps to the conclusion that people will think I want sympathy or attention when I don’t want that at all ever.

    Yeah once I reach that point it’s really hard to stop. I realised a few minutes ago that last night I wrote this post instead, so I guess that was more healthy? I didn’t think about that at the time but just had my phone and started writing. Had my internet been working I would have gone to SC. Thinking about the triggers and early signs is a good idea. I will definitely try that. 

    My counsellor was so reassuring last week, I know I’m probably just overthinking all this about that and I don’t want her to think I’m being stupid. But the thoughts of the worst case just keep coming back. 

    My GP is really supportive, she told me that it was ok to want to try something different but the medications would always be there if I thought I wanted to try them in future. I think I’m just anxious because when I took sertraline I actually felt a lot worse (partly because I was practically a complete insomniac on it) and I don’t know if I can cope with that again right now and I know they can all make you worse before better. 

    Thank you again for your kind words <3 give Louie a big hug from me!!
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Obnoxiously Large Anchor Somewhere in the sea 🌊Posts: 981 Part of The Mix Family
    Awe mate I'm so proud of you for speaking up and sharing this. Always know I'm here for you <3

    It's so incredibly brave of you to speak out - you deserve the support, so I'm glad you've felt able to write this! 

    Please don't be ashamed - the fact you're able to admit that you self harm is honestly so strong. Self harming is okay if you're doing it safely. Sometimes now isn't the time to stop. Just because the time isn't now, doesn't mean it'll never be now. One day you might feel able to stop, and that's okay. I'm not sure if it helps but I've been where you are with self harming. I never thought I'd be able to stop and then one day I never did it again. Sometimes it just happens and sometimes it doesn't and that's okay too. 

    It is possible that you're not in the right headspace for counselling - but that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying. It's possible that the match isn't right for you. 

    When I started writing this, there was only one response, but now I see there's loads more - people care about you so much Elle. The advice up there is spot on. 

    I know it's hard right now, but it won't always be like that. Keep pushing through, you've got all of us to talk to if you need to. You're not bothering us. We're here for you just like you're here for us. 

    Honestly it's so tough to hold things in, I know you've been feeling rubbish lately but like Liam said, I didn't wanna push you either. You're doing such a great job by even making this post and I honestly wish I could help you more. 

    And if you're ever feeling sad, something I've been told is to fake it until you make it. Basically the more you fake a smile, the more happy hormones are released and the happier you will genuinely feel. I know it's tough, but it genuinely works. Crazy right? 

    Take it easy Elle, don't be too hard on yourself, you did a very brave thing by speaking out and I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm so proud. 


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    independent_
  • LorryTruckLorryTruck Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 1,939 Extreme Poster
     <3 Big hugs
    I know you've heard this before, but you've got to be strong now...
    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Hey @Anch0r33 thank you for that <3 everyone has been so kind and I couldn’t appreciate every reply here more. You guys are all amazing!!

    Hearing your experience with self harm and how one day you just stopped is really helpful, and reassuring. I think it’s really hard to stop when I’ve been so low but hopefully one day I can because it honestly makes me feel so guilty. 

    I’ve heard that about ‘fake it till you make it’ and you’re right, sometimes when I have to fake it I feel better for a short while. I am sooooooo used to faking it though that it sometimes doesn’t work. I faked it for years and years and no one had a clue I was struggling until the middle of this year, when actually this has been going on for a lot of years. I’ve had some very good times, but also some really hard ones which no one knew about. 

    Thank you again for your kindness <3<3 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    Anch0r33
  • _Tech_Addict_Girl_Tech_Addict_Girl Posts: 1,073 Wise Owl
    Hey @independent_
    We are all here for you you really do deserve to be happy you are an amazing person and have always been supportive to others.
    Please don't be ashamed that you self harm that is nothing to be ashamed of it's just the way you cope.
    Sending big hugs 
    We are here to talk whenever you want to talk <3<3
    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Aww thank you @Emoji246 thats really sweet of you <3 

    Today hasn’t been better. Made myself go for a walk with the dog which normally helps to get out for a bit but apparently not right now.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    _Tech_Addict_GirlPast User
  • _Tech_Addict_Girl_Tech_Addict_Girl Posts: 1,073 Wise Owl
     <3 I'm sorry to hear that Elie I hope your better soon  <3
    independent_
  • GreenTeaGreenTea ☕🌻☕ MidlandsPosts: 11,499 An Original Mixlorian
    Sending love and hugs. Keep going, you are doing great 💕💕💕

    The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal.     

    Astrid Alauda

    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Thank you @Emoji246 <3 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    _Tech_Addict_Girl
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 91 The Mix Convert
    edited November 2020
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Thank you so much @GreenTea, sorry I missed your post there! <3 

    @errrin I actually really like that quote, thank you for sharing it again <3 I’m just finding it really hard to stay positive right now :( 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 91 The Mix Convert
    edited November 2020
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    independent_
  • Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Posts: 1,293 Wise Owl
    Heyyy Elle, I just wanted to pop by to give you some Salix hugs❤️

    I've had a feeling that things weren't okay so I'm super glad that you've come to talk to us about whats been going on for  *high-fives*😉*deliberately misses* hehehe


    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Thank you @errrin <3 your words are really comforting. 

    Aww @Salix_alba_2019 that’s really sweet of you, thank you <3 the hugs are soooo appreciated!

    I have counselling tomorrow. I’m nervous lol.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 933 Part of The Mix Family
    Just dropped by to send massive hugs @independent_ there are so many people that care about you here. 

    Good luck with your counselling session tomorrow, let us know how you get on 💜
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    independent_
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Counselling actually went well, we spoke a lot about how I think about myself and the language that I use in my thoughts all being so negative and definite. 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    LorryTruckSalix_alba_2019Anch0r33
  • LorryTruckLorryTruck Definition of a mental mess and a certified lost cause :) EnglandPosts: 1,939 Extreme Poster
    Glad it went well.  <3
    I know you've heard this before, but you've got to be strong now...
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 6,807 Master Poster
    Thank you @LorryTruck <3 I spoke about how down I’ve been feeling and she was really kind to me.

    I just wish I wasn’t always so anxious before the sessions :( 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    _Tech_Addict_Girl
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