is this relationship going anywhere?

Former Member

Hello, (I am really bad at titles so, sorry for the dramatics)

So I met this guy in my first year at university and we have been going out for 5 years since (between 2nd and 3rd year of uni we lived together in the student housing with friends) and the last 2 years we been long distance.

I finished my Masters back in February and he is finishing his in September. I would like to think after going out for 5 years with no problems or massive fights that we should be looking to our next chapter. That being moving in together and finding jobs. Everytime I bring this up I get this attitude that he doesn't know what he wants to do or he is waiting to see if he can get a PHD (Which if you didn't know can take years!) I obviously don't want to be holding him back and vice versa but I don't seem to be getting any kind of enthusiasm that he wants to get a place with me. He is one of those people who doesn't have "dreams" per say and doesn't think that far ahead. I already know in my own head that I would like to move out of my parents by the end of this year whether that be in my dream job or in just any job. I guess I am a little lost as to what to think at the moment. We love each other but its like hes just comfortable and nothing seems to be going anywhere or feel like it will go anywhere because he won't sit for 5 minutes and think what he wants to with his life or come up with a plan or even think if he wants to be with me long term. I am not asking him to know exactly what he wants to do with his life but to at least think about if it at least involves me. 

Is it too soon to want to move in with him after 5 years. I be honest I been waiting to move in with him since we moved out in the student housing. Am i being too controlling maybe and I should just sit back and do my own thing and if he wants to tag along thats up to him seeing as he won't make a decision with me as a couple. I am meant to be having this talk with him end of August but I honestly don't see him making any decisions or suggestions. 

Former Member

Welcome to The Mix @Willow.

If I understand your post right, you are worried about the levels of commitment from your partner. You want to move in together with him, however, when you have brought this up in the past you feel like he seems focused on other things. 

It's natural you want to make this sort of progression in your relationship, especially as you have been together for five years. On top of that, you are moving on to a new stage in your life by graduating from your masters, so t's normal to want to spread your wings and move out of your parents and into your own place, and it's natural for you want that space to be a place you share with your partner.

From what you have said it sounds like you are both planning the next parts of your lives. You have just graduated and you are planning on moving out and hopefully into your dream job. Your partner will also graduate soon and is also planning what they will do next.

The only person that can really help you answer your question fully is your partner. It sounds like you have certain expectations and desires so it might help to explain those to him and why having an answer is important to you. You could always try exploring his thoughts with him and see what he is thinking.

Let us know how you get on.

Former Member

Hey @Willow !!

I agree with @Jordan. It sounds like you're ready to start the next chapter in your life. 

I think the best way to deal with your situation is to be very frank with him. You seem to know what you want / have an idea of what you want and you shouldn't wait for someone else. Maybe you could compromise something so you both will be happy with decision. 

You're not controlling for telling the person you're in a relationship how you feel. Communication is key! 

Hope it goes well!

Former Member

Hi @Willow, 

I agree with above, especially what @Tee A has said - communication is key!

It certainly sounds like you are both starting new chapters of your life, and it's really good that you have some sort of direction with yours. You're not at all controlling for wanting to discuss this sort of thing with your partner - this is the type of discussion that is important to have. 

My friend recently told me that nobody knows your relationship better than you and your partner. So my advice would be to speak to your partner about this, be open and honest and see where you are both at and whether your paths and future chapters align and go from there. Try your best to take away any feelings/fears of being controlling, because you are being totally fair  

Best of luck, feel free to keep us updated! 

Former Member

Hey. Thought I would update. 

So we arranged to discuss what our plans will be in the upcoming 6 months. Obviously given the pandemic it is hard to plan anything with certainty but an idea of what we would like to do in the new year. We had this "talk" on Friday 18th Sept and before I could get into my plans or ask him what his are he broke down and said he wanted to break up with me. On the Saturday I tried to get my clarity as to what's happened as far as I was aware we were just going to chat and plan an idea. I didn't get much but he gave me hope that he will have a better idea of his plans in the new year after his masters. But this didn't give me an explanation as to why he hastily ended it (his words). For a week I felt like I was in limbo and then he properly ended it in Saturday with not much of an explanation.

In the 5 years we been together we never argued. We always been happy. Nothing was wrong leading up to this conversation. I am lost. Confused. Incredibly hurt and I feel like I lost my best friend. 

Now what do I do? It feels like I was just not good enough for him. And now I feel like I forced this conversation which leaded into something I never wanted.
Feel so alone. 

Former Member

Hey @Willow

So sorry to hear what’s happened. Have you got any plans to talk again? It’s worth trying to get a better explanation from him instead of assuming. 

I don’t think it’s your fault for bringing up the conversation as it sounds like you thought you had a good relationship and just wanted to plan your future together. It sounds like it has come as quite a shock.

Sounds like you are really hurting right now, is there anyone you feel you can talk to or spend some time with that will help you? 

Take care

- Lucy 

Former Member

Hello, 

I tried twice to get any kind of explanation out of him. The words he likes to use is "I don't know". I feel like this pandemic has brought him away from me as we couldn't see each other for months and months. Your right it has come as a shock. But I get nothing out of him. I don't have any friends. The only person I feel I can talk to is my mum but I am reluctant to share details given how she reacted to my mental health in the past.

We had well i thought we had a great relationship. Not only 2 weeks before the break up I went up to see him for the weekend and it was lovely. Nothing went wrong so I am so confused as to what's happened now.

Former Member

I'm so sorry @Willow this must be so difficult for you, especially how sudden it was for you.

Maybe have a look at these articles about break ups and see if they help: https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/how-do-i-get-over-a-break-up-4176.html
https://www.healthline.com/health/coping-with-break-up
https://thoughtcatalog.com/zoe-griggs/2014/09/how-to-handle-a-breakup-10-dos-and-5-donts/

Former Member

Hey @Willow

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through right now. This sounds like a big shock. 

I'd just like to reiterate that you should not blame yourself! This did not happen because you wanted to have a conversation about future plans. This seems so random so he may have seen this as an opportunity to say how he really felt. That is not your fault. 

I think your mum might be able to help you during this time. I think mums can give good advice when it comes to break ups. A problem shared, is a problem halved. This could even be an opportunity for you and your mum to communicate more and try to understand each other better.

Just remember, it's completely okay to feel upset and let yourself be upset. After you have overcome this, you can begin to make new plans for yourself. Like I said last time. You seem like you know what you want. You seem like you'll bounce back from this

Stay safe! 

Former Member

Hello, 

Would like to say thanks for all your advice and support. I have read every comment and every articles that was recommended. It's been helpful. The last month I was doing alright. He is becoming more and more of a stranger to me. 

I am currently not doing so good. I have relapsed a little and have been feeling incredibly lost. Its pathetic how it was triggered I found a Facebook post dated back to May when we were going out of him flirting with another girl I never heard of. There's atleast 2 from his university class or society that he's been interacting with and recently after the break up even more so. Sounds stupid to get upset over it as it probably means absolutely nothing but couldn't help but get hurt. 

I recently started a new job. It's the first step towards my career goal. While it is only a temporary position I am having to travel to hotels as its no where near when I live but grateful for the opportunity. However being completely left alone with my own thoughts it's exactly making me feel great. I done well to distract myself but I am running out of ideas.

I was re-thinking back as I was in an abuse relationship for 3 years before this one and I am still very young but at the moment I wouldn't want to remember or relive any year of my life. It is making it hard to want to continue on. These are just thoughts. Thoughts I haven't had in years. And I wouldn't do anything rational as I have a responsibility to an animal which I couldn't just leave behind or burden onto anyone else but I just feel really low. 

Former Member

Hey @Willow

Sorry for the late reply - only just noticed your post. I’m glad to hear our advice helped before and that you have been able to distance yourself from him, but sorry to read you feel you are not doing very good at the moment. 

It’s not pathetic how you were triggered, it sounds like you still care about him and your memories of your relationship so it’s not surprising you were hurt to see that on Facebook. I think social media can be quite torturous when you break up with someone... can you delete him / remove his updates so you don’t get reminded of him? 

Great to hear you have started a new job and that it’s on track to your career goals! Before the pandemic I sometimes stayed away alone with my job too so do relate to that feeling of being very alone with just your thoughts. I did find that taking a book helped me so I would read to distract myself - or even do some exercise or call a friend and have an early night. Is there anything you enjoy about being away? I used to really like popping to the shop and getting myself some snacks, I tried to find new flavours of crisps most times I went away haha. Little things! 

I’m sorry to hear you were in an abusive relationship before and you don’t feel you can happily look back at your life. What I would say about that is that you’re not alone in having these thoughts, I think a lot of us do, and you don’t have to dwell in the past if you don’t like thinking about it. You have a future. It could be worth talking to someone about how you are feeling? Do you have anyone in your life you would be comfortable talking to? 

Sending hugs
Lucy

Former Member

@Willow
Hey I don't think we have spoken before so welcome to The Mix 
I can tell you are struggling with what to do.
My advice is to go with what you feel is best for you and him 
Replying to your first post on this
Sending hugs

Former Member

Hey @Willow

I'm sorry to read your post and hear about your situation, I know its been a while so I'm hoping things have improved for you since then?