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ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
I don’t want to live. Thoughts are so bad. Can’t be bothered to do anything
if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
independent_DandelionjoyaAriannaAzzimanLucy307AnneFrypan
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Comments

  • DandelionDandelion Posts: 592 Incredible Poster
    Sending huge hugs Shaunie, please reach out and talk to someone 💙
    Today is a great day for a great day. 
    Shaunie
  • joyajoya Posts: 201 Trailblazer
    hi angel, it's really rough sometimes, doesnt it? look, i like to help people, even when i hate with all my forces being alive. i hate it. breath. eat. talk. think. all those stuffs that make us active humans are so boring and makes me so, but so tired. but im still here, even being rough, i keep here. why? only god or i dont know who knows... its rough, and its okay dont wanna be alive sometimes, i think we need this; we need this. but look, will get better, okay? i promise you, it will pass. can you tell me what you are feeling this moment? maybe i can help, maybe not. maybe my words can put you little down, maybe they can bring you confort; i hope, from heart and soul that the second one be happening this moment. I see light on you Shaunie, so its ok to be tired, take your time to rest your mind, to put a green screen on it. i hope this can pass more fast than we hope. sending sooo muuuchhh hugsss szszsz if the things get to much rough, call someone, don't be alone, ok?
    everything always goes ^^
    Shaunie
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Sending you hugs. Hope you can get some rest tonight. No pressure to do anything more than you can handle. Always a good idea to try food/ water/ meds if you can. But take it easy. This will pass.x
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    Thank you very much @Dandelion @joya and @Arianna

    bit beyond it. I feel safe atm. But fuck my life I can’t stop thinking about ways to kil myself. And I know this sounds awful as we don’t know what others are feeling but I think about people who have killer themselves and I’m just like well my life is worse than that so gosh I should really end it all. I feel like Rn Im in the most pain mentally than anyone in the world right now. Which is a bit stupid thing to think cause people killings themselves every few second unfortunately but I just feel like I will be one of them soon. No one understands my anxieties, how it’s affecting me every single second. how low I feel every single day and my chest and stomach feels like it’s had enough of feeling the pain
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    LaineAriannajoyaDandelionMike
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Gone for GooPosts: 2,146 Boards Champion
    Glad you're safe Shaunie <3 

    these feelings appear to be quite strong its really tough what you're going through we can only imagine how its affecting you.

    try and be kind to yourself tonight deep breathes and maybe do something you enjoy to keep you busy x

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille

    "Here's to the ones that we got
    Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not" ~ Maroon 5
    Shaunie
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    @Shaunie We may not always understand until you tell us about it, but we do care, and we’re always here to listen if you want to talk. I know things are hard right now and it feels like it’s unending and living another second is kind of the end of the world. I know. But you just have to keep breathing. It will pass, I promise.

    Honestly, sometimes ‘fuck my life’ is the way to go. When caring takes energy you don’t have, it’s easier to say fuck everything, decide you don’t care and nothing matters. And sometimes that makes it everything just bearable enough that you can keep living. Sometimes the best way to get what you want is to be so miserable you don’t want it anymore.

    Hang in there. Get some rest if you can. Huge hugs x
    ShaunieMike
  • joyajoya Posts: 201 Trailblazer
    my psychologist once said that when we are in so much pain, we can not fight against it, because sometimes it get worse, so let the pain pass through it @Shaunie. feel it and let it out, cry a lot if possible. please, take care; and dont worry, i understand a little for what you are passing by, its a terrible sensation.... sending huges hugs, like arianna just said!
    everything always goes ^^
    ShaunieAriannaMike
  • MikeMike Screen addict 🎮 LondonPosts: 2,661 Community Manager
    joya said:
    my psychologist once said that when we are in so much pain, we can not fight against it, because sometimes it get worse, so let the pain pass through it @Shaunie. feel it and let it out, cry a lot if possible.
    This is a really nice sentiment from @joya, and one I really agree with. Letting yourself feel whatever you need to feel is so important, even if that means spending a day crying and not doing much else.

    It really sounds like you're feeling super 'done' at the moment @Shaunie, and nobody can blame for you for that. Living with chronic anxiety or low mood, particualrly when it's on your mind 'every second' as you said, is a herculean thing to ask of anyone. You're doing so well even to get up every day.

    You said nobody understands those anxieties and how low you feel and, truthfully, they may never understand. Your experiences are so unique to you. But there are people who genuinely care and want to help, particularly here. And you're not alone. What do you wish people understood that they don't?

    Shaunie said:
    And I know this sounds awful as we don’t know what others are feeling but I think about people who have killer themselves and I’m just like well my life is worse than that so gosh I should really end it all.

    I'm tempted to challenge you a little bit on this, partly in that we never truly know how difficult things are for other people, and also that comparisons generally can be unhelpful for our wellbeing. What matters is that you're hurting, and that your pain has brought to whatever mental place you're in. And whatever place you're in right now, it's valid, important and you're worthy of care and attention. And there is a way through.

    Have you spoken to any crisis services since you posted this? How are you holding up today?

    For the record, the world is indesputably a better place for your being in it. :)


    (Crisis options if you need them :star: )
    Text THEMIX to 85258 for our Crisis Messenger
    Call Samaritans on 116123
    Email Samaritans at [email protected]
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    Email Papyrus at [email protected]
    Call Papyrus on 08000684141
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Avatar credit: Jim Cooke
    joyaLucy307
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    edited July 30
    Thank you. @joya  and @Mike   @Ariana and @Laine I do believe in mindfully just letting your feeling come and hopefully go. As is worse if fight them. But they just stay no matter what. I feel like I don’t really fight it anymore. I feel numb and empty and weak. And it sounds like nothing. But it’s really painful and hopelessness. Like in my chest and stomach

    And I guess by the way I compare about my challenges to others. I guess it’s cause I see hope for others like there is actually a way out for everyone. But with me. Nothing is solving this and 0 way out. And that’s just facts so bit stuck with literally only thing left is to die. But yeah i am safe rn. Just feel like everyday I’ll be like. Okay just wait til I can go back to bed and be unconscious for awhile (sleep). Then it’s the same the next day and the next with nothing goi g anywhere and this is what the rest of my life will be like. It’s just really. What’s the point. I don’t know what I’m waiting for 😓
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    joyaArianna
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Right now I think it’s pretty understandable to be feeling like nothing’s going anywhere, @Shaunie. We’re stuck at home and there’s not much opportunity for making changes. It’s easy to slip into thinking this is never going to be any different. But it really can be, if you want it to. It just depends what you want to do.

    I don’t know if there’s a point. Maybe the point is that there isn’t a point, and that gives you the freedom to experience whatever you want? I don’t know. But there’s something to having the choice as to what you want to make of things.

    What’s been going on for you that you feel there’s no solution to my dear?x


    joya
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    Arianna said:
    Right now I think it’s pretty understandable to be feeling like nothing’s going anywhere, @Shaunie. We’re stuck at home and there’s not much opportunity for making changes. It’s easy to slip into thinking this is never going to be any different. But it really can be, if you want it to. It just depends what you want to do.

    I don’t know if there’s a point. Maybe the point is that there isn’t a point, and that gives you the freedom to experience whatever you want? I don’t know. But there’s something to having the choice as to what you want to make of things. 

    What’s been going on for you that you feel there’s no solution to my dear?x


    Thank you @Arianne <3 It’s really embarrassing. But for atleast over a year. Probably two years. I’ve had constant paranoia that I have bad breath. I do everything to stop it. But I still feel dirty and I can’t tell if it’s in my head or not.  But I’ve tried many things. I’ve recently finally got courage to see my gp about it. Tried meds incase it was any of those things. But it didnt improve. My gp acts like it’s in my head but I don’t think it is and I don’t really know. Tbh. Cause maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. As i don’t know. I feel like my mouth is dirty right after brushing my teeth flossing, having mouth wash then chewing gum. And I still feel so uncomfortable to speak to anyone striaght after doing that. I just want a normal life but I can barely speak to people without feeling constant dread. 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    joya
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    Going to hospital 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    joyaLaineAriannaMellyy99independent_
  • joyajoya Posts: 201 Trailblazer
    Do you wanna talk about what happened @Shaunie? Send you sooo many hugs, love 💙
    everything always goes ^^
    Shaunie
  • joyajoya Posts: 201 Trailblazer
    Shaunie said:
    Thank you. @joya  and @Mike   @Ariana and @Laine I do believe in mindfully just letting your feeling come and hopefully go. As is worse if fight them. But they just stay no matter what. I feel like I don’t really fight it anymore. I feel numb and empty and weak. And it sounds like nothing. But it’s really painful and hopelessness. Like in my chest and stomach

    And I guess by the way I compare about my challenges to others. I guess it’s cause I see hope for others like there is actually a way out for everyone. But with me. Nothing is solving this and 0 way out. And that’s just facts so bit stuck with literally only thing left is to die. But yeah i am safe rn. Just feel like everyday I’ll be like. Okay just wait til I can go back to bed and be unconscious for awhile (sleep). Then it’s the same the next day and the next with nothing goi g anywhere and this is what the rest of my life will be like. It’s just really. What’s the point. I don’t know what I’m waiting for 😓
    this its my view, if you wanna know...

    i think we get in some point that only us understand our own pain, and only us can see just the pespective that we're living; its the commun, too be honest, see the pain of others and try to help its more easier because well, we aren't living that, its easy to see from different views; so its understandable that you're feel the way you feel, without pesperctive from nothing... like i've said before i dont like to live for the exactly view: whats the point. for what? like, we pass for so many things, for so much pain, and for what? why? for nothing. that's the truth, i guess. but we keep living, because we have this thing inside of us that freud called of eros, the pulse of life. so yeah, maybe we are here, alive, just to feel the pleasures, or try to find it.
    i believe when we truly want to go, we go. we have our time on earth, and i dont believe that its your time right now, you know? because you're here, reading me talking all this for... nothing... the life its that way, i guess we have to try find acceptance and only that. 
    everything always goes ^^
    AriannaShaunie
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    @Shaunie You doing okay? Here if you want to talk, please try and stay safe,x
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    So fed up of living 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Mellyy99Salix_alba_2019joyaindependent_
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    Thank you all!  

    Just got back home after assessment 

    basically this is what happened - my confideality was broken. So I knew police was coming. And I was just thinking ffs. They can not come and no one can help me like I will kill myself or not. There is no hope or there isn’t so I don’t need police coming round to talk to me then leave. So I wanted to ring the police before they got there. But yeah family at home so I needed reason to go out to ring the police not to come and only reason my family would believe is walking the dog

    so right I’m walking the dog. Attempting to train him while on the phone to 999. Basically begging them to ignore a phone call they probably got. And definitely do not go to the house. They was like oh yeah we can see that phone call. I managed to convince them at one point to not come at all. While I was on the phone. She said okay maybe just ring 111 option 2 and I’ll ask if they do not come. While she was literally saying that blue light police car just got right in front of me and I’m thinking ffs. 

    Bare in mind I’m with teddy who hates strangers 😂but yeah weirdly enough he liked the police lol. I think it’s maybe because they was young. One was 22 other was 23. Teddy don’t mind that age😂 Police man told me to get in the back with teddy on my lap and there was loads of people just staring at some girl(me) with a Tiny dog get into back of a police car that still had their flashing lights on.  They must of been thinking what the fuck happened there.  So embarrassing 

    then spoke with the police for a bit. Just saying yeah this is a waste of time just please leave me alone. But they was like no we need to get you some help. So told me to ring crisis team infront of them. So I did. I was just like “hi I’m with the police and I just basically need you to tell me I’m safe to go home”. Then they was like right can I speak to the police. Then on phone call forever just waiting while I spoke to the other policeman who used to work at Primark so we was just talking about primark 😂

    but then yeah crisis team was like oh she needs an assessment with us. So we dropped teddy off. Then drove me to mental health ward. Had assessment had to wait for them to discuss the outcome. Went back into the room for them to say the same shit I always get told. Basically a plan of the same stuff I always get told. A plan that’s clearly going well 😒😒😒 So I was just thinking yeah I Could of predicted that. 

    Got taxi home. Taxi man checked I went in. And yeah now In bed. Went straight to bed not like my family would wanna know. Dread the questions in the morning. And meant to have work tomorrow fuck knows if I’m going 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Mellyy99joyaindependent_Arianna
  • Mellyy99Mellyy99 Posts: 81 Budding Regular
    Ahh sorry to hear that @Shaunie that sounds like a lot..glad you're safe though. Hopefully, you can get some other support also?
    joya
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    edited July 31
    Mellyy99 said:
    Ahh sorry to hear that @Shaunie that sounds like a lot..glad you're safe though. Hopefully, you can get some other support also?
    Doubt it. They was like oh we will see where you are with the BPD referral and see if we can make it quicker or do anything. And tell gp to prescribe something else. Then told me to take Promethazine when I get home. Like definitely not. I’m tired as it is. I don’t want a none natural sleep. 

    Now I’m just overthinking all the convosations I had. The police guy was proper staring at me for ages. Like he was sitting at the front of the car and proper turned round to be right behind just staring at me. It was proper awkward I didn’t know where to look. He was just staring at me saying nothing. So I was like oh probably best not to look at me I have barey any make up on & look horrible. Now I’m overthinking that as like oh he thought “get over yourself I’m just looking at you” but yeah I don’t like anyone looking at me without make up on 😂 but he said ah no you’re fine. But yeah

    and also thinking about how he was like “some people just use mental health for things” and I was like what things and he said “to not do some things, but I can tell you’re not one and this is a real one”. And I was just didn’t. Say anything as didn’t know what he meant. I thought he meant they use it to not work.  And then he started talking about his mum who had depression and said he can see when people feel low. In expressions and stuff and see in me. Now just thinking so what he just thinks fake in his head towards some people ah?
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    joya
  • Mellyy99Mellyy99 Posts: 81 Budding Regular
    edited July 31
    @Shaunie Yeah, I get that..they always think changing the medication you're on is going to fix all instead of giving you actual help...hopefully you can get some sleep tonight though.

    yeah not really sure about the last one, maybe he didn't have much knowledge on mental health?
    joya
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    edited July 31
    At work and started crying cause manger was telling me to go on tils I said sorry I really can’t. She’s having a go at me so crying in locker room. She said do you understand seriousness of this. I said no your job is to help those who are mentally ill. Said she will speak to me later

    and she was like it’s eid and you’re doing full day you’re going on the tills I said sorry I’m not 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    Omg I’m on break and I want to fucking run away 😭😭😭😭😭😭

    manger so fucking rude. 

     I was like I’m not contracted on tils so I haven’t told you specially and hasn’t come up in convo. It’s only because I’m doing overtime. She said no ones contracted on tils on over time. It’s a busy day cause of eid. She kept saying “do you understand how serious this is”
    And telling me to go on the tills. I just said no sorry 
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    like wtf am I being stupid or is she fucking being completely rude about this. 

    I can’t stop crying 

    she’s speaking to me about it later
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    LiamLaineMellyy99Salix_alba_2019independent_joya
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    edited July 31
    I’m on my lunch for one hour and I seriously don’t want to go back in. Feeling suicidal. But yeah don’t have much choice 

    she hasn’t spoken to me again yet so still got that to dread 
    I thought she was a nice manager clearly not. It’s not like any other manger can stick up for me cause she the senior manager which means she’s the manger of most of the mangers. 
    Supervisor asked me for overtime and I was like i don’t know cause I only agree to over time but I’m refusing to go on tils today and yeah not great. Then she was like “oh that probably why..” then mumbled. I’m guessing it’s cause they got someone from down stairs to go on tils or something. I just don’t get it. Yeah it’s busy but Need people on shop floor aswell. Like just get someone else and I’ll be on shop floor.  But yeah ended up agreed to overtime on mon and tues😂😭 cause the supervisor who asked me is too nice lol. I told her right so I’ve ask to you I won’t go on tils mon and Tuesday tho lol
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    LaineAriannajoya
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    Does anyone know about mental health and work? I can like tell them im too anxious for the tills right? Especially cause there is loads of other jobs to do. She kept saying how serious it is???? She should support me right? Or???  I think I’m going to get a big warning for this. 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    independent_joya
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,221 Boards Guru
    Hey Shaunie :) 

    Last night sounded abit rough , I’m guessing your still feeling not great :( Just wanted to send you lots of hugs and remember the whole community love and value you as a person.

    Ive had a Quick google and a few pages have come up on mind about your rights as a worker .. hope they help in some way 💜

    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/discrimination-at-work/other-employment-rights/
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Shaunie
  • AriannaArianna Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Sending you love, last night sounds like a whole nightmare. Do your family know? Are they supportive?

    You mentioned they just give you the same crisis plan as always and that’s not really been helpful - is that something we could like. talk about? and then add things that might help more?

    Re that police officer’s comment - I think, in a weird roundabout way, he was just trying to validate you and say that he believes you’re struggling and so wants to help you access support. Probably not the best way of putting it, but good intentions?

    Re work - I’m pretty sure you have the right to ask they make ‘reasonable adjustments,’ if you’ve told them you have a health condition. So, like you say, if they have other people to run the till and there are other jobs that need doing, it’s reasonable to ask that you don’t have to work at the till if that’s going to make you anxious/ be detrimental to your health because of a mental health condition/ disability. I think? There’s never any harm in asking, and letting them know what the situation is and what’s going on for you so that you don’t get an underserved warning.

    Big hugs!! How are you feeling atm?x
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    edited July 31
    Thank yous!

    my family don’t know about yesterday like the reason. All they know is the police dropping off teddy and then them telling them I’m going to the hospital. But they don’t know what happened atm. 

    i have a capability meeting on Monday with her. I should of asked if that means capability for some parts or capability for the actual job. At the time I just assumed capability for a certain task. Ie just the tills. But now I think about it she was acting like capability of the whole job as she was saying going on tils is apart of your job you’re a retail assistant. And kinda hinting if can’t do that can’t do the job. If she meant that and then says I’m unable to work there anymore then I’ll be like wtf. I just won’t do overtime then cause I’ve gotten this far. 
    I had a “counselling” ( which just means cause did something bad)
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    Arianna
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    edited August 1
    @Arianna said:


    You mentioned they just give you the same crisis plan as always and that’s not really been helpful - is that something we could like. talk about? and then add things that might help more?


    Forgot to answer this. 


    my crisis plan is to ring 111 and option two and see if I can go to the sanctuary. Which I wouldn’t do because sanctuary opens late so family would know. Or ring 999. Or take promethzine (sleeping pills/ sedative). Cause calms me down and makes me sleep. Which yeah is okay. But it’s a horrible sleep like not natural where you body is asleep but not your brain

    yet I still pretended I’d do that ahhh 
    didn’t wanna go inpatient

    And the plan was also to wait for the BPD group. 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • joyajoya Posts: 201 Trailblazer
    Hi @Shaunie I want to know how you are today? Send you all hugs of the world sz
    everything always goes ^^
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,864 Supreme Poster
    Thank you ! 

    I’m feeling shit. Got work today. Meeting at work. I’m working 2-6 so should have the meeting some time then:///
    i told universal credit about this and they said I should have some rights and they’re going to speak to someone who knows about reasonable adjustments 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
    joya
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