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Siena
Posts: 15,688 Skive's The Limit
I don’t want to live. Thoughts are so bad. Can’t be bothered to do anything
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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bit beyond it. I feel safe atm. But fuck my life I can’t stop thinking about ways to kil myself. And I know this sounds awful as we don’t know what others are feeling but I think about people who have killer themselves and I’m just like well my life is worse than that so gosh I should really end it all. I feel like Rn Im in the most pain mentally than anyone in the world right now. Which is a bit stupid thing to think cause people killings themselves every few second unfortunately but I just feel like I will be one of them soon. No one understands my anxieties, how it’s affecting me every single second. how low I feel every single day and my chest and stomach feels like it’s had enough of feeling the pain
these feelings appear to be quite strong its really tough what you're going through we can only imagine how its affecting you.
try and be kind to yourself tonight deep breathes and maybe do something you enjoy to keep you busy x
Honestly, sometimes ‘fuck my life’ is the way to go. When caring takes energy you don’t have, it’s easier to say fuck everything, decide you don’t care and nothing matters. And sometimes that makes it everything just bearable enough that you can keep living. Sometimes the best way to get what you want is to be so miserable you don’t want it anymore.
Hang in there. Get some rest if you can. Huge hugs x
And I know this sounds awful as we don’t know what others are feeling but I think about people who have killer themselves and I’m just like well my life is worse than that so gosh I should really end it all.
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I don’t know if there’s a point. Maybe the point is that there isn’t a point, and that gives you the freedom to experience whatever you want? I don’t know. But there’s something to having the choice as to what you want to make of things.
What’s been going on for you that you feel there’s no solution to my dear?x
i think we get in some point that only us understand our own pain, and only us can see just the pespective that we're living; its the commun, too be honest, see the pain of others and try to help its more easier because well, we aren't living that, its easy to see from different views; so its understandable that you're feel the way you feel, without pesperctive from nothing... like i've said before i dont like to live for the exactly view: whats the point. for what? like, we pass for so many things, for so much pain, and for what? why? for nothing. that's the truth, i guess. but we keep living, because we have this thing inside of us that freud called of eros, the pulse of life. so yeah, maybe we are here, alive, just to feel the pleasures, or try to find it.
i believe when we truly want to go, we go. we have our time on earth, and i dont believe that its your time right now, you know? because you're here, reading me talking all this for... nothing... the life its that way, i guess we have to try find acceptance and only that.
basically this is what happened - my confideality was broken. So I knew police was coming. And I was just thinking ffs. They can not come and no one can help me like I will kill myself or not. There is no hope or there isn’t so I don’t need police coming round to talk to me then leave. So I wanted to ring the police before they got there. But yeah family at home so I needed reason to go out to ring the police not to come and only reason my family would believe is walking the dog
so right I’m walking the dog. Attempting to train him while on the phone to 999. Basically begging them to ignore a phone call they probably got. And definitely do not go to the house. They was like oh yeah we can see that phone call. I managed to convince them at one point to not come at all. While I was on the phone. She said okay maybe just ring 111 option 2 and I’ll ask if they do not come. While she was literally saying that blue light police car just got right in front of me and I’m thinking ffs.
then spoke with the police for a bit. Just saying yeah this is a waste of time just please leave me alone. But they was like no we need to get you some help. So told me to ring crisis team infront of them. So I did. I was just like “hi I’m with the police and I just basically need you to tell me I’m safe to go home”. Then they was like right can I speak to the police. Then on phone call forever just waiting while I spoke to the other policeman who used to work where I work so we was just talking about working there 😂
but then yeah crisis team was like oh she needs an assessment with us. So we dropped teddy off. Then drove me to mental health ward. Had assessment had to wait for them to discuss the outcome. Went back into the room for them to say the same shit I always get told. Basically a plan of the same stuff I always get told. A plan that’s clearly going well 😒😒😒 So I was just thinking yeah I Could of predicted that.
and also thinking about how he was like “some people just use mental health for things” and I was like what things and he said “to not do some things, but I can tell you’re not one and this is a real one”. And I was just didn’t. Say anything as didn’t know what he meant. I thought he meant they use it to not work. And then he started talking about his mum who had depression and said he can see when people feel low. In expressions and stuff and see in me. Now just thinking so what he just thinks fake in his head towards some people ah?
yeah not really sure about the last one, maybe he didn't have much knowledge on mental health?
and she was like it’s eid and you’re doing full day you’re going on the tills I said sorry I’m not
manger so fucking rude.
And telling me to go on the tills. I just said no sorry
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
like wtf am I being stupid or is she fucking being completely rude about this.
I can’t stop crying
she’s speaking to me about it later
she hasn’t spoken to me again yet so still got that to dread
I thought she was a nice manager clearly not. It’s not like any other manger can stick up for me cause she the senior manager which means she’s the manger of most of the mangers.
Last night sounded abit rough , I’m guessing your still feeling not great Just wanted to send you lots of hugs and remember the whole community love and value you as a person.
Ive had a Quick google and a few pages have come up on mind about your rights as a worker .. hope they help in some way 💜
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/discrimination-at-work/other-employment-rights/
You mentioned they just give you the same crisis plan as always and that’s not really been helpful - is that something we could like. talk about? and then add things that might help more?
Re that police officer’s comment - I think, in a weird roundabout way, he was just trying to validate you and say that he believes you’re struggling and so wants to help you access support. Probably not the best way of putting it, but good intentions?
Re work - I’m pretty sure you have the right to ask they make ‘reasonable adjustments,’ if you’ve told them you have a health condition. So, like you say, if they have other people to run the till and there are other jobs that need doing, it’s reasonable to ask that you don’t have to work at the till if that’s going to make you anxious/ be detrimental to your health because of a mental health condition/ disability. I think? There’s never any harm in asking, and letting them know what the situation is and what’s going on for you so that you don’t get an underserved warning.
Big hugs!! How are you feeling atm?x
my family don’t know about yesterday like the reason. All they know is the police dropping off teddy and then them telling them I’m going to the hospital. But they don’t know what happened atm.
i have a capability meeting on Monday with her. I should of asked if that means capability for some parts or capability for the actual job. At the time I just assumed capability for a certain task. Ie just the tills. But now I think about it she was acting like capability of the whole job as she was saying going on tils is apart of your job you’re a retail assistant. And kinda hinting if can’t do that can’t do the job. If she meant that and then says I’m unable to work there anymore then I’ll be like wtf. I just won’t do overtime then cause I’ve gotten this far.
You mentioned they just give you the same crisis plan as always and that’s not really been helpful - is that something we could like. talk about? and then add things that might help more?
yet I still pretended I’d do that ahhh
didn’t wanna go inpatient
i told universal credit about this and they said I should have some rights and they’re going to speak to someone who knows about reasonable adjustments