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everything’s kind of the worst

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 77 Budding Regular
edited July 2020 in Health & Wellbeing

tw for sort of passive suicidal ideation in this nonsense of a post, but nothing super explicit so not in a spoiler.


anyway everything is monumentally shitty. and i don’t know why. or like. mental illness is why. i just. like i walk the dog or do the dishes in a day and i’m done. like that’s all my energy gone. and then i have to spend the rest of the day pretending that everything’s great and i have to help with my sister or help with dinner or maybe hoover or maybe do my laundry or maybe any of the other things that the world requires when i’d really like to just sort of crawl into bed forever.


obviously i also therefore have absolutely no attention span for like. anything else. but i have found one single show that is apparently interesting enough that i can watch it passively in sort of. twenty minute bursts. which is great for the escapism and absolutely terrible for the nightmares and the dissociation.


it’s been. uh. a number of days past the point where i know how the fuck to handle this. not that it ever really like goes away. just that it’s usually not this much of a wreck for this long. like all the time. it’s the first thing i think when i wake up, which is objectively really shitty and also kind of terrifying. i walk through the park and just think. if i could just not exist right now. if i could just. stop. everything. i would take that. i would take that right now.


anyway. hugs would be great. appreciate you reading.

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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Arianna

    I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been feeling. Have you spoken to anyone about it recently? Any family or friends, or ever sought help elsewhere? 

    It sounds like you are really struggling right now and that it’s affecting your whole day, it’s good you have reached out here 💜 

    What show is it that you like to watch? Maybe we could recommend some more that are similar. Is there anything else that you enjoy doing at the moment?

    Sending big hugs, we’re here for you 
    - Lucy 

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 220 Trailblazer
    heyaa!! i'm so sorry that you has to pass for all this, its a real sucks, i know :/

    but look, i have some ideas for you to pass your free time: try to listen to international music: go to brazilian music (they're great), japanese music, indian music, etc... Try to know the lyrics, what it meant and those stuffs. Its good to feel alive,..;; sad music are GREAT too when we are sad, because we pass to know more about ourselfs reading about another person passing by the same as we pass (did you got it? my english its not good, translater doesnt help too much). You can try to compose a poem talking about how you feel, or just walk in your room like a zumbie (that's help, i swear!). Just try weird things, it may can help ^^

    sending you a massive hugs!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    Hi @Arianna

    Sending big hugs your way :heart: It sounds like you are going through a difficult time, so I am really glad you decided to reach out here. We are all here for you :heart:

    Just to echo @Lucy307's question, I am wondering what sort of support you may have in place at the moment? 

    These feelings can be so tiring and difficult, but please know that really is support out there and things you can do to feel much better again. You made a great step by opening up here, and we will all be here to help you in getting the support you truly deserve. Take good care x 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 77 Budding Regular
    edited September 18
    Thank you all 🥺

    @Lucy307 @coc0mac I’ve got a couple really good friends. But like. There’s a line, you know? They’re not professionals, they have their own lives, and I can’t expect that level of support from them, not when things are this intense for this long. There’s also the typical nonsense depression thing that makes you just never want to talk to anyone because like. What’s the point? Which rationally isn’t true, but I don’t much have the energy for rationality. And it’s easier too when it’s in person, when I can like. Shove myself at them and demand hugs. But right now I have to text them actual coherent things, which is a lot.

    I’ve spoken to doctors and done a bunch of therapy over the years, but nothing currently because I’m at home and it’s so impossible to do anything without my parents finding out. I even tried meds recently but they made me super ill, which was a fucking nightmare to hide too. Everything’s a million times worse because my parents can’t know. It’s a wreck.

    Show’s ‘The Magicians.’ It’s all the escapism. But it’s also kind of just lots of people having feelings and soft conversations. And also weirdly comforting because the main character’s clinically depressed. (There’s an iconic line that’s like... ‘We shouldn’t be bottling your emotions, you might...’ and he goes ‘Kill myself? Yeah.’ and like honestly we love some really blunt acknowledgement of shit mental health).

    @Past User Thank you. And yeah, I get you. We get to know more about ourselves reading about others who’ve gone through what we have. Appreciate your suggestions, friend! Walking like a zombie is a new one worth a try ;)

    Thank you for the hugs. Honestly I just. I am surviving this on friends’ promises of endless hugs and chocolate when we next meet. :)x
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hey! Arianne 

    i understand the feeling Low in energy all the time <3 I just nonse stop sleep all the time.and my family call me lazy😂😭. But feeling so low is mentally draining. I’m guessing you stopped those meds? As meds can really makes us tired. How is your diet? That can affect energy levels more than we realise. You could see you gp about your energy?  

    It good that you help out with dishes ect! Even when feel shit that can feel so much so well done for doing those things <3 

    I understand that don’t want to go in detail with friends. We are always here and someone here to listen <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Hello,

    I'm just dropping by to send you huge hugs 💕I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now.

    We are here for you.
    How are you doing at the moment?

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 77 Budding Regular
    Yeah, I didn’t even try with the meds @Shaunie. Didn’t feel worth it. But I can’t do this like this. But I don’t know what else to do honestly. Diet wise I eat about the same way as I always have, especially now that I’m back home - at uni that was different, but at home everyone eats together. so like. GP’s tend to just stick me on iron supplements which I have already and really should start taking :s but it’s much more in my head than anything else. I don’t really sleep super well always? But mostly it’s just like. I don’t want to be alive. So I just. want to sleep. And everything’s exhausting.

    Thanks @GreenTea. Appreciate you! I’m okay I guess. I, uh, a friend has been going through some shit recently at home and, while I’m grateful that she feels able to talk about it with me, and I always hope she will, it’s kind of. Hard. Like a lot of the abusive shit she talks about her parents doing is stuff that echoes back to stuff I’ve experienced. Which is hard. And like. But mine isn’t ongoing, it’s only at very specific times, so it’s like. I shouldn’t really be affected? And like. It’s selfish to feel that I am. But like. Stupid brain. I was just. Kind of distressed. And eventually my brain just sort of checks out and goes ‘okay well now everything’s fake!’ and dissociates. Which is fine. Protection mechanism, but also just a trauma response. Ugh.

    I then asked a different friend for virtual hugs. Who didn’t give them. Which like. I’m sure in the spam of messages in a whole conversation she just didn’t see that message. That’s okay. But. stress!! stress stress.

    Nn. It’s been a day. I want to go to bed. 🤷‍♀️
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Hope you are doing ok lovely 💕

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 77 Budding Regular
    Thank you @GreenTea :) I’m okay. Home is always kind of dramatic. Also I’m five years self harm clear today? Sort of. For one specific thing, I guess. Which is good, but like. Also I haven’t stopped wanting to hurt myself, not ever, which is why I mostly just subbed one thing for other less dangerous things. Idk. I’m okay.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Heya. Yeah I get put on iron pills too. It is best to take them because they wouldn’t give you them unless it showed some iron deficiency. Low in iron can make you fee mentally shit too cause it’s hard to feel good when you feel very weak. I hate taking them too. They pills are big and yeah just don’t like pills but yeah it’s defo worth it 

    how are you feeling today ? 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Arianna said:
    Thank you @GreenTea :) I’m okay. Home is always kind of dramatic. Also I’m five years self harm clear today? Sort of. For one specific thing, I guess. Which is good, but like. Also I haven’t stopped wanting to hurt myself, not ever, which is why I mostly just subbed one thing for other less dangerous things. Idk. I’m okay.


    Well done for 5 years!! 
    Keep fighting lovely. If you need to rant we are here for you. 
    Can you get a break from home by going out for a bit? Go for a walk or something?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 77 Budding Regular
    You’re right about the iron @Shaunie , would probably help not to be as exhausted lol I just struggle with the gastro side effects. But there are smaller ones if the size is a problem for you? I had Ferrous fumerate for a bit which was like half the size.

    Thank you @GreenTea, I get out for a walk with doggo once a day which is something. :)

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