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Struggling To Cope Anymore
Dancer
Community Champion Posts: 8,111 Legendary Poster
I feel scared to express how I feel about how things have been recently. It worries me that I will just be a burden to everyone.
Although it is the easter holidays and the schools are supposed to be closed due to all this coronavirus malarkey (easiest word for me to use to describe what it is instead of using the word pandemic,) my school has still been open but only for a very small number of students.
I thought that the bullying that I was facing before the number of students dramatically reduced would stop once there were less students in school. Instead, the bullying has continued and gotten worse. It has affected me so much mentally but nobody understands how much it has affected me.
Some of my teachers know that I sometimes feel upset and annoyed. But they don't understand why. They think that I am being cocky. But I am not being cocky. The real reason why I get upset and annoyed at school is because I am a victim of bullying and have been for too long.
I feel like sharing a list of what the bullies have said/done just in the past 3 weeks. It really is shocking but this is my life. And no don't just tell me to stay at home. I don't want to stay at home. I deserve an education just as much as everyone else at school does.
Just in case it triggers anyone, the list is in a spoiler after these long paragraphs of tearful ranting.
I can't cope with things anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even motivate myself to talk to anyone about anything whether that is or is not about bullying. It just feels like I have hit a massive downwards spiral.
A few months ago, my mentor at school warned me that these feelings could turn into depression. I was struggling with lack of motivation to do anything and constantly anxiety. But it feels like it has become even worse.
Do you think that I am at risk for depression? I can't even do anything about it. I can't get a doctors appointment to even get a referral for help (whether that is CAMHS, a counsellor, a support group or just some information about how to cope. I don't want to possibly be put on medication though because I don't want to rely on drugs just so I can pretend to seem okay.) Even if I could get an appointment, I would be way too scared to book it (let alone commit to not cancelling it, actually turning up and going into the appointment.)
I know that I probably seem really dramatic. Sorry everyone. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I have a few days away from school and it is supposed to be a break. But it feels like torture because there is nothing to do except sit around and dread the fact that it will all happen again soon. I have today, tomorrow, Sunday and Monday off and then I am back to school.
😔😟😢☹
Should I go to the police about it or just keep it all bottled up? There is no way that I want to bother my parents or worry any of my teachers. They have enough to worry about. They don't need me as a problem on top of everything else currently going on in the world right now. Sometimes I don't want to live anymore. I am not in a crisis so please do not be too worried! I just sometimes hit a point where I feel even worse than I do right now. And that is really bad.
Although it is the easter holidays and the schools are supposed to be closed due to all this coronavirus malarkey (easiest word for me to use to describe what it is instead of using the word pandemic,) my school has still been open but only for a very small number of students.
I thought that the bullying that I was facing before the number of students dramatically reduced would stop once there were less students in school. Instead, the bullying has continued and gotten worse. It has affected me so much mentally but nobody understands how much it has affected me.
Some of my teachers know that I sometimes feel upset and annoyed. But they don't understand why. They think that I am being cocky. But I am not being cocky. The real reason why I get upset and annoyed at school is because I am a victim of bullying and have been for too long.
I feel like sharing a list of what the bullies have said/done just in the past 3 weeks. It really is shocking but this is my life. And no don't just tell me to stay at home. I don't want to stay at home. I deserve an education just as much as everyone else at school does.
Just in case it triggers anyone, the list is in a spoiler after these long paragraphs of tearful ranting.
I can't cope with things anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even motivate myself to talk to anyone about anything whether that is or is not about bullying. It just feels like I have hit a massive downwards spiral.
A few months ago, my mentor at school warned me that these feelings could turn into depression. I was struggling with lack of motivation to do anything and constantly anxiety. But it feels like it has become even worse.
Do you think that I am at risk for depression? I can't even do anything about it. I can't get a doctors appointment to even get a referral for help (whether that is CAMHS, a counsellor, a support group or just some information about how to cope. I don't want to possibly be put on medication though because I don't want to rely on drugs just so I can pretend to seem okay.) Even if I could get an appointment, I would be way too scared to book it (let alone commit to not cancelling it, actually turning up and going into the appointment.)
I know that I probably seem really dramatic. Sorry everyone. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I have a few days away from school and it is supposed to be a break. But it feels like torture because there is nothing to do except sit around and dread the fact that it will all happen again soon. I have today, tomorrow, Sunday and Monday off and then I am back to school.
😔😟😢☹
Should I go to the police about it or just keep it all bottled up? There is no way that I want to bother my parents or worry any of my teachers. They have enough to worry about. They don't need me as a problem on top of everything else currently going on in the world right now. Sometimes I don't want to live anymore. I am not in a crisis so please do not be too worried! I just sometimes hit a point where I feel even worse than I do right now. And that is really bad.
1. I have been recorded without permission. It has been in various places such as outside, the toilets and in the canteen. And it gets posted on to social media every time (no matter how much I tell them to delete it.)
2. I have been called horrible names such as cow, dickhead, pussy, disgusting, smelly, ugly, stupid, annoying and irrelevant.
3. Water has been thrown over me and I was threatened with getting the whole bottle over my head instead of parts of it just going over my skirt and socks. I know that it could have been worse but it was distressing for me.
4. I have been threatened. The threats have varied from being beaten up to being pushed to having an entire bottle of water dumped over my head.
5. I keep on getting mocked by the bullies. It is really annoying and repetitive. It is also distressing when it causes me to get laughed at.
6. I get intimidated by the bullies. They always crowd around me and get into my face. They know that it scares me and that they should be at least 2 metres away from me. They don't care and just repeatedly do it to scare and upset me.
7. I have been aggressively grabbed and dragged around by the bullies. It really scares me because all of the touching is overwhelming and very scary for me. It has happened multiple times by 3 different people (one is supposed to be a friend but not anymore.) I have even been touched in an inappropriate way before. I don't know if this counts as sexual harassment or just horrible (one of the bullies touched my boobs when dragging me around at one point.)
8. I have been pushed on to the hard floor outside once. I landed on my hip and hands. It was a complete miracle that I was not badly hurt.
9. I got pushed on to a chair near some sharp scissors at one point. Thankfully I managed to stay away from the scissors so I didn't get injured. I almost fell off my chair after I got pushed.
10. I have been repeatedly yelled at (sometimes for no reason.) It is really scary and sometimes swear words and insults are used.
11. Insulting sign language has been used towards me. I have been called a cow and dickhead in sign language.
12. I have been chased whilst trying to go to the canteen during lunchtime. It is scary and brings back memories of something that happened when I was in year 8.
13. I have been intimidated by the bullies when I walk to the bus stop after school. They constantly try to pick on me and yell at me if I ignore them. It has made me scared to get public transport so now my mum takes me to school and collects me afterwards. I have not told her that I am scared. I just told her that I am fed up of sometimes waiting up to 30 minutes for a bus.
14. I have been accused of being racist just because I don't want to be friends with one of the bullies. I know that she is just trying to lure me towards her.
15. I got accused of having sex with one of the male teachers just because my period sometimes comes late. It caused me to get laughed at which made me almost cry.
Why just why?! 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😟😟😟😟😟😟😟😟😟😞😞😞😞😞😞😟😟😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 2. I have been called horrible names such as cow, dickhead, pussy, disgusting, smelly, ugly, stupid, annoying and irrelevant.
3. Water has been thrown over me and I was threatened with getting the whole bottle over my head instead of parts of it just going over my skirt and socks. I know that it could have been worse but it was distressing for me.
4. I have been threatened. The threats have varied from being beaten up to being pushed to having an entire bottle of water dumped over my head.
5. I keep on getting mocked by the bullies. It is really annoying and repetitive. It is also distressing when it causes me to get laughed at.
6. I get intimidated by the bullies. They always crowd around me and get into my face. They know that it scares me and that they should be at least 2 metres away from me. They don't care and just repeatedly do it to scare and upset me.
7. I have been aggressively grabbed and dragged around by the bullies. It really scares me because all of the touching is overwhelming and very scary for me. It has happened multiple times by 3 different people (one is supposed to be a friend but not anymore.) I have even been touched in an inappropriate way before. I don't know if this counts as sexual harassment or just horrible (one of the bullies touched my boobs when dragging me around at one point.)
8. I have been pushed on to the hard floor outside once. I landed on my hip and hands. It was a complete miracle that I was not badly hurt.
9. I got pushed on to a chair near some sharp scissors at one point. Thankfully I managed to stay away from the scissors so I didn't get injured. I almost fell off my chair after I got pushed.
10. I have been repeatedly yelled at (sometimes for no reason.) It is really scary and sometimes swear words and insults are used.
11. Insulting sign language has been used towards me. I have been called a cow and dickhead in sign language.
12. I have been chased whilst trying to go to the canteen during lunchtime. It is scary and brings back memories of something that happened when I was in year 8.
13. I have been intimidated by the bullies when I walk to the bus stop after school. They constantly try to pick on me and yell at me if I ignore them. It has made me scared to get public transport so now my mum takes me to school and collects me afterwards. I have not told her that I am scared. I just told her that I am fed up of sometimes waiting up to 30 minutes for a bus.
14. I have been accused of being racist just because I don't want to be friends with one of the bullies. I know that she is just trying to lure me towards her.
15. I got accused of having sex with one of the male teachers just because my period sometimes comes late. It caused me to get laughed at which made me almost cry.
"There's a part of me I can't get back. A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same." ~ Demi Lovato
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
1
Comments
It feels like I do deserve to get bullied because it has gone on for so long. If I didn't deserve bullying then it would have stopped a long time ago and stopped permanently. But that has not happened to me.
I feel scared to book an appointment with my GP. Even a phone appointment would be too overwhelming for me to cope with. And I can't find an email address for my GP. Looks like I have to cope alone during this coronavirus stuff. If I survive.
Yes I do understand what you are saying about the medication. I would take medication for an ear infection or something like that. Medication for physical health issues and medication for mental health issues are 2 different things. I do not want to have to rely on drugs for a mental health issue. Even if it could help me.
I would rather take medication if I know that it will help me rather than not fully knowing if it will help me. Also my parents would probably not trust me with my medication if I did get it. And I don't want to have to rely on my parents for my medication. I don't even want to open up to them about it.
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
I'm so sorry the bullying has got worse and it still happening. Like @Riley said, no one deserves to get bullied and it's not okay that people are treating you this way. You mentioned you want to tell someone but are worried about being a burden to your teachers. I know it can feel scary, but remember your school and teachers will always have a responsibility to keep you safe, you wouldn't be a burden if wanted to speak to them about what's happening. What makes you feel like you'd be a burden to them?
In terms of calling your GP, it can be scary doing this and overwhelming at times. It's really tough making that step but remember their support is always there for you if you feel like you need some extra help. We're also here for you too Kasa, you don't have to go through this alone
Keep fighting and being brave, we're always going to be here for you
I feel like I am a burden to my teachers because they have enough to worry about at the moment and they don't need me on top of everything. Also I do not have the courage to be brave and ask for help. I never will.
I feel really scared to get in contact with my GP especially as my mum would have to get involved (because GP's cannot keep stuff confidential about suicidal thoughts and stuff like that- especially as I am so young.)
I feel like my issues are not important right now compared to the stuff going on with the coronavirus.
I cannot keep on fighting anymore or being brave. It is like I have to wear a mask just to pretend to be okay. I want to give up.
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
you are most definitely not a burden .. the teachers are there to keep you safe and to help with stuff like bullying, they cant help if they don't know...
you're issues are important and the longer you keep putting it off the worse it's gonna get...
Yes it would be a bad thing if my mum found out that I am struggling with my mental health. She has enough to worry about right now and she does not need to be getting concerning phone calls from the GP, my teachers or even an A&E department. And she would be annoyed at me for not speaking up any sooner. But I feel too scared.
It feels like I deserve the bullying because it has gone on for so long. I feel like a burden to my teachers especially as they have so much to worry about. They do not need a case of bullying on top of everything else. Bullying cases are very hard for the school to deal with especially as the policy is quite extensive (when the school decide to actually follow it if a student actually does speak up.)
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous