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Anorexia and weight shaming (TW)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
in Health & Wellbeing
TW: weight (no numbers), eating disorder, fat shaming, abuse 

Hey, 
So something that’s been a big problem since I developed anorexia has been my mum weighing me constantly (I won’t go into details but it’s quite a humiliating experience for a number of reasons). I’ve asked her to stop, my old therapist asked her to stop but she won’t (long story short I’ve been emotionally and physically abused by her so can’t really stand up for myself). 
This weekend we had quite a bad argument. And one of the things my mum said was that ‘it was a good job she got angry at me because now I’m fat again’ (I was always healthy, on the slimmer side, until my BMI dropped dramatically when I was ill and I know I am still underweight despite gaining a bit as a side effect of my new meds). It’s really got to me along with a number of her other comments. 

Not really sure what I’m posting for, more just need it out there! 
Much love to all, 
Aj xxx
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Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Heyy! 

    Whats the reason your mum weighs you? Is it because shes concerned you get underweight or shes concerned you will get fat?  Cause im confused on why she said that as doesnt sound very nice. Espically since your not anywhere near over weight. 

    I know the feeling of being weight When don't want it. My doctors always used to do it cause of my anorexia. I've gained a lot if weight since then so haven't been weighed for Awhile but still underweight too and under the healthy BMI and under the "anorexia BMI". But my feelings around food are changing i think. I try to be more incontrol
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    Shaunie said:
    Heyy! 

    Whats the reason your mum weighs you? Is it because shes concerned you get underweight or shes concerned you will get fat?  Cause im confused on why she said that as doesnt sound very nice. Espically since your not anywhere near over weight. 

    I know the feeling of being weight When don't want it. My doctors always used to do it cause of my anorexia. I've gained a lot if weight since then so haven't been weighed for Awhile but still underweight too and under the healthy BMI and under the "anorexia BMI". But my feelings around food are changing i think. I try to be more incontrol
    Hey @Shaunie
    i don’t even know anymore. She just wants to control it and I’m trying to focus really hard at the moment on not weighing myself or knowing what I weigh to allow me to focus on recovery. 
    I don’t know why she said it, other than to hurt me. Because you don’t unknowingly say that to someone struggling with anorexia, without realising the impact. 
    I have to do it every week at uni with the nurse or whenever I see a professional. I don’t like it but the nurse understands and lets me say no some weeks. Whereas with my mum it’s a whole routine and big deal and humiliation. She then says no one will treat me like this anyway (I’m also still an ‘anorexic bmi’ however you qualify it). It’s just really hurt me. 
    Sending you hugs and strength- sounds like you’ve had it tough too xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    First of all @_AJ_ it's very brave of you to share your experiences here on the board so well done taking that step. It sounds like a very upsetting situation for you to be in so it's understandable that it's all getting to you so much, I hope you're feeling okay at the moment.

    Having your mother treat you that way would be deeply upsetting for just about anyone so I can't imagine having to deal with that on top of recovering from anorexia. You mentioned that your old therapist spoke to her about her behaviour in the past but she didn't listen, have you tried telling one of the medical professionals you're currently seeing about how she's treating you? Hopefully they might be able to step in and sort things out.

    Let me know if there's anything we here on the boards can do to help or extra information I can give you, there's a lot of options for someone in a situation like yours. Of course if you just want to get things off your chest like you mentioned that's fine too, lots of people use the boards to vent. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    Hey @Riley
    thanks so much for your response and being so kind :heart: 
    I’ve been quite low at the moment and having quite a significant relapse with my mental health problems (I say that as if I was on top of them recently, I guess I just mean they’re getting worse) 
    I was speaking to my therapist again the other day and she said she can talk to her again but I think last time it just made my mum much worse so I’m a bit reluctant to be honest. 
    There really don’t feel like there are many options to be honest- it’s been such a tough situation that I’ve been stuck in for so long and I feel I’ve tried everything there is. But all the weight comments are too much at the moment; I’m really struggling with my body image anyway. 
    Thanks- often need a vent! x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Hey AJ! 

    Just wanted to drop in and offer a big hug 💕

    A super well done for sharing x it sounds like a really upsetting situation so it's understandable you may feel like this, 

    I'm really happy to hear you have a therapist it's important to have a positive model in our life.

    It doesn't sound very great with your mother at the moment as she sounds very set in her ways, 

    It can be tricky with negative stuff around us but it's important to surround yourself with positive things. 

    Weighing yourself can be a very triggering situation so if it's unavoidable as your mum won't stop try and think of positive things.

    Write down your best qualities, and see if every day it gets bigger? Start simple and work way up.

    And know that we're always around to offer support :) x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    Laine said:
    Hey AJ! 

    Just wanted to drop in and offer a big hug 💕

    A super well done for sharing x it sounds like a really upsetting situation so it's understandable you may feel like this, 

    I'm really happy to hear you have a therapist it's important to have a positive model in our life.

    It doesn't sound very great with your mother at the moment as she sounds very set in her ways, 

    It can be tricky with negative stuff around us but it's important to surround yourself with positive things. 

    Weighing yourself can be a very triggering situation so if it's unavoidable as your mum won't stop try and think of positive things.

    Write down your best qualities, and see if every day it gets bigger? Start simple and work way up.

    And know that we're always around to offer support :) x
    Hey, 
    Thanks lovely- hugs are much appreciated <3 
    my therapy situation is a bit messed up because I’m currently talking to my old therapist who is from home but am not really being seen at uni, so am trying to fund private therapy. it’s all a bit mad! But I do have some support which I guess it’s what’s important. 
    My mum doesn’t really change- I’m already dreading the morning when she will weigh me and it always gets bad quickly. 
    Positive things, okay... my old teacher once set me a challenge of finding a 100 things I like about myself. Didn’t get very far haha! 
    Lots of love xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    It was bad this morning. I sort of just need to say that. It was bad and I am not happy. 
    AJ xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    Hey there @_AJ_ sorry to hear that it was bad the other day, do you want to talk more about what happened?  <3

    Also, how have things been today?  :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    Hey @Jade09
    thanks for reaching out again and your support 💕 
    my mum weighed me as usual and got really upset. It seems it doesn’t matter if I lose or gain weight, or even stay the same, whatever it is just isn’t good enough. She was insistent on humiliating me and pointing out everything she thinks is wrong with my body and I just can’t handle it because I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment any way and feel horrible whilst trying to gain weight to recover but all this has made me think what if she doesn’t love me and I should just keep trying to shrink away and she says I don’t deserve the space I take up in a room and I just want to hide. 
    Today is a bit tricky- my house is a little bit manic and so I’ve not had any space to either work or relax! Been feeling quite low too. 
    Take care! xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi again @_AJ_ I'm sorry to hear that this situation is continuing as it seems to upset you a great deal. I can't really add any extra advice from what I said before but I will just mention that you absolutely do deserve to be loved by your parents! It can be difficult but try not to blame yourself for the way you're being treated since you've done nothing wrong. <3

    You mentioned that your house is a bit manic at the moment, is there anywhere quiet at all you can get away from it all? It can be tough for everyone being stuck indoors right now but it's important to look after yourself as much as you can. I hope things are a bit calmer for you soon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    Hey @Riley
    Thanks :) it’s tough and has left me in a bit of a mess. I think my rant kinda said it all tbh... the thing is it’s almost always a Saturday morning too so I just have this innate sense of dread. I’m trying to hard to get healthy and to actually want to be healthy, but it’s tough. I can’t help but think I do deserve it- I’m the only constant in the situation so clearly I’m upsetting her somehow. 

    I’ve finally got my own room back which is helping a lot! It actually means I can have some time to myself at night instead of sharing with my sister. I try and go on a walk daily and phone a friend or our chaplain, which is good. 
    I spoke to my chaplain yesterday but am scared I was a bit honest. I emailed her earlier and she said we were okay and not to worry but it’s scary. It took her a while to realise what I was trying to tell her too (typical me, I was being very vague because I didn’t want to say that my mum had hurt me physically) but now I just feel a bit vulnerable and dreading tomorrow. 
    Take care, 
    Aj xx
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Heyy!

    it sounds like such a hard situation with your mum! Doesnt sound supportive at all. How is youre relstionship with her when its not around weight or food?  Our parents have a massive influence on us so its completly understand that this is having massive impact on you. I wish i could help more. <3 here to listen !
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    Hey @Shaunie
    Its not very good- she’s terrible with anything relating to my mental health and at times can just flip for no reason. Don’t get me wrong, there are good parts which kinda makes me feel guilty. But often she can just get very aggressive for no reason and is quite explosive. This morning she’s done nothing but shout at me since I got up and I’m practically hiding in corners and just trying to not anger her. I don’t think she’s always been like this... I don’t know. I don’t really remember ever being completely happy at home though. When I was bullied, she was just mean. And it’s usually just me (thankfully). My sister has always had a good relationship. 
    I’m really struggling at the moment though for all sorts of reasons and can’t handle her on top. 
    Aj xx
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