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Bit of a difficult one 😴

Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
Hey so I’m not really sure where this post is going to go but I needed to talk through things somewhere that I can just rant 💗

My anxiety has been terrible today, and I thought it was “under control” I mean I’m back at college in a few weeks and that’s where my anxiety is at its worst as I have the constant fear that people are staring at me and judging me, before we broke up for summer I was hiding in toilets all lunch just waiting for it to become “safe” again and wait for a time when I could escape, skipping meals, missing appointments with counsellor, having no friends cause was too scared stiff to hang out in the canteen or with their group of friends. 

My thoughts around going back are contradicting, I’m bad with change and every time something big changes in my life I either go to self harm or other behaviours because I know that they are the things that I can 100% control and it makes me feel calmer, even if everything else around me is a mess. 

I have this overwhelming feeling that things are going to go in a downwards spiral, it feels inevitable that I’ll end up in crisis again which scares me because I am a completely different person then.

I really don’t want to slip up and I’m doing everything I can, but how am I supposed to think that things will stay semi-okay when I am terrified that they won’t? 

People say that I’m “over it” but am I? Am I or are they just kidding themselves because I don’t feel “over it” ☹️

Sorry for ranting guys just needed to let it out 💗

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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    edited August 2019
    I'm really sorry you're feeling this way Butterfly :heart:

    Anxiety's horrid. It sounds like college is rough for you. I can relate in my own way to the fear that people are staring at you and judging you, it really sucks. Are you scared about going back?

    It must be distressing to feel like you're going to go in a downward spiral. You sound really strong and what I can tell you is that if you do slip, you can, should and will get through it. Have you got a plan or anything for if you do go into crisis? :heart:

    Don't be sorry for ranting, this is a safe place to talk about how you're feeling and you do so much for everyone here, I hope it was good to get this off your chest :smile:
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Kathleen07

    Yeah I’m terrified of going back, obviously class changes and stuff isn’t helping either so it’s going to be tough, makes it worse that I feel like my reputation at college is ruined after what happened with the police there, feel like people are just waiting for me to fail. 

    I don't have a plan for if I have a crisis, think that’s one of the main issues. It’s hard because when I get to that point, nothing seems to relieve it or calm it a bit. Think I might make my own safety plan type thing, then at least I’ll have something 😊💗

    Thank you so much for the support, it definitely helped to get it off my chest 💓
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Hey,

    college can be really tough, I personally really hated it ah. Takes a lot of strength to go espically after the hoildays. You sound like you're doing all the right things <3 do you know the things you can put in the safety plan? I've made a few before so if need any ideas



    All here for you <3 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you @Shaunie

    I quite like college, it’s just the anxiety around it ruins it and makes me not want to go unfortunately. I’m not really sure what to put in the safety plan so any ideas would be appreciated! 💗
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Hey,
    glad you quite like college , hope your anxiety gets easier so can like it more. 

    in my crisis plan plan I have people I could go to and safe places I could go if where I was - was unsafe or too overwhelming. And have contact details on it. And have wrote things I enjoy that I can do to distract myself from the thoughts in attempt to calm down. And I have things in there which I have learnt from DBT like finding facts, pros and cons, mindfulness. And probably other things that I can't remember right now tbh ah. And if by crisis you mean thoughts of ending your life. There is an app called "stay alive" and it's a crisis plan for your phone so will have that all the time. And you can add picture to that too. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you @Shaunie them ideas are really helpful, especially the app. I’ll definitely download that one  
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    I was going to create a new thread but thought it would just post on here again as it’s easier 💓

    I think at the moment I’m feeling low and all the same feelings are coming back, it’s hard when you are really trying. I referred myself back to IAPT because I thought second time around they may accept me for some support, but it’s a 6 month wait which isn’t ideal. My feelings around urges and also my eating eating are really apparent today.

    I’ll be okay but just hit a bit of a road block, if you like ☹️ 


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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Making a safety plan is a great idea :heart:

    You did well with referring yourself back to IAPT. A six month wait is definitely not ideal.

    It sounds like you're really struggling :frown: You're definitely trying hard, I can hear that and you have so much strength.

    Just wanted to drop by to send you love and hugs :heart:
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you that means a lot! @Kathleen07
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    How are things today Butterfly? :smile:
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you @Kathleen07 I’m a bit better at the moment 😊 hope you are okay x
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Hugs @Butterfly23
    Glad you're better <3 x
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you @Shaunie!!!
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