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Still affected years on

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
in Health & Wellbeing
I wasn’t sure where to share this so I hope this is the right place.

A year or so ago I struggled with a two-year “friendship” which was emotionally and [sometimes] physically abusive. I didn’t realise it then but now I believe part of it was gaslighting and, with some research, there were signs they were a bit of a narcissist.

It started out pretty good but gradually it became worse and worse. I already had mental health issues before it all happened and since then they have seemed to have become more intense. The so-called-friendship ended with them telling me to kill myself and that no one would miss me.

A part of me believes I should be over it by now but the experiences are still affecting by ability to make and maintain friendships. I’ve recently made a connection with someone new and I fear ruining it, especially as I’ve been isolated since this, as I have lost trust in people which comes naturally to others. I’ve never been suicidal but I have had thoughts of killing myself, though I would never act on those feelings because I’d fear the pain of death. I tried discussing what went on with my parents but I had no proof and they said maybe I was being oversensitive or analysing it too much.

I’m not really sure how to move on and would really appreciate some advice or support.  Apologies it was so long  <3
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Hey :)
    First of all im sorry for what you wet through. it can be hard to get over things like this, I once had a friend who I thought was quite close but looking back she wasn't a friend at all. well turns out she still stalks me :sweat:  she was verbally abusive aswell, but it's important to remember not all people are like that <3  I went through a trauma a few years ago and lost trust in everyone, including my friends, but it does come back. sorry not sure if any of this is helpful, but try be honest with this new person, im sure they'll understand. also people will miss you, normally when people bully other like this it's cause they're insecure about themselves and find it easier to lash out at others, i understand it's hard but try not to let what they said dictate your future.. you CAN overcome this, I not gonna lie it will be hard, but it's so worth it, once you find true friends it will become easier :)

    are you receiving any help with your mental health?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    edited August 2019
    @BubblesGoesBoo

    Thank you!  <3

    It is difficult for me to believe that there are genuinely nice people but I know it’s true, I just haven’t had the best luck in finding them. I’m sorry to hear that you went through a similar situation, I can imagine how awful that felt. Verbal abuse isn’t talked about as often as some other types of abuse but it’s just as damaging. I hope things are going better for you now. In what way do they still stalk you?

    I hear quite often that people with their own insecurities lash out, and that is almost certainly also valid but I don’t think it was helped that they had toxic friends who influenced how they behaved. I’ll never know for sure but it seemed like they thought the way they treated me was normal because that was their experience of friendships. 

    I hope at some point I can put this behind me but I can’t help think there will always be a possibility I’ll never fully heal. I hope, like you said, true friends will help. You said to tell my potential friend the truth but I don’t know if it’s too soon to share that information. I don’t want to scare them off. 

    I’m not really receiving any help with my mental health. I see a psychologist but it’s not personal as it’s about my relationship with my parents.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Heyy!


    It can be hard to trust again when we get so hurt. I can relate to that too. It's awful thing to happen <3. It's really good you're aware that you're isolating yourself because you don't trust anyone. Took me awhile to work it out for myself ah. 

    Youre not "oversensitive" what you feel and what you felt happened - happened cause that's what you felt. All valid. 

    I always try to look at when I see trust worthy people. Like even on programs lol. And just makes me realise you can trust people. 

    Also then I sometimes i think it's because I can't trust myself when the people I would choose to hang around with. Like I think "do I trust my thoughts that these are good people" Does that make sense? But you have to trust yourself too & your own judgement. 
    & I also just try to challenge all thoughts I have which is hard. 

    Isolating yourself can feel so lonely. You're not alone and you deserve to be able to trust again <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    I agree, verbal abuse is just as damaging as other forms of abuse, but often people don't see how damaging it can be cause it's 'just words' she still stalks me through social media as she doesn't live close thankfully (the police are involved though).

    it can be daunting thinking you'll never get over it, in all honestly im still not over it, but i'm a hell of a lot closer than what I used to be :) it just takes time... I can understand if you feel it's too soon, not knowing this person I don't know how easily they'll be scared off, only you can make that decision to tell them or not.. just be yourself and that's all anyone can ask :)


    have you thought about reaching out about your mental health? I know you said you have had suicidal thoughts but wont act on them, I just think maybe if you tell someone they can work with you to battle these thoughts? and help with your overall mental health? <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    @Shaunie

    Thank you!  <3

    I wasn’t always aware that I was isolating myself, only recently something clicked and I realised.

    I don’t believe now I was being oversensitive either because I agree with you but at the time it hurt a lot to hear that’s what their opinion was and it did make me question if I was making it all up in my head. Sadly, I never got them to understand and don’t think I ever will get them to.

    I’m the same, I also look out for trustworthy people on programmes.

    I totally get what you mean by not being able to trust your opinion on certain people and questioning if you can actually trust them. I do it a lot, possibly why I struggle to make connections. I’m working on trusting myself, though  <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    @BubbleGoesBoo

    Yep, I hear “it’s just words” a lot. But those words can knock down your self-esteem and change how you see yourself and the way you perceive the world. That’s awful that she stalks you over social media, can you not block her? If the police are involved, it must be serious. 

    I’m relieved to hear that you’re closer to getting over it, I hope that one day you’ll fully recover from it. Yes, it is very daunting, sometimes I wish there was a way to see the future so I could know if I’ll ever fully get over it.

    I would hope that they wouldn’t be scared off easily as they’ve only ever treated me with respect and, to be honest, I have no reason to believe they would abandon me but I’m not willing to risk it at the moment until I know them better.

    I have considered reaching out to someone about my mental health but I don’t know who I would turn to. I don’t know if my parents would allow me to see a therapist or counsellor. I agree I do need to talk to someone.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    You sound like you're doing really well and really trying <3. I think everyone gets doubt in their minds about some people at times and that's okay and it's all about actknowldging that is how you feel &/or challenge that -  rather than ignoring it or try to dismiss it. With your determination I believe you in getting past this. It can take a while & that's okay to be patient and kind to yourself too <3

    you don't need your parents permission to see a therapist. How would you feel reaching out to your gp?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    @Shaunie

    Thank you so much, that means a lot  <3 I hope you’re right.

    I hadn’t thought of reaching out to my gp but it’s something I’ll have to think about first. I wouldn’t want to take up their time when someone else could need it more. 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hey, 

    yeah thats okay, they're there for everyone and if everyone thought "maybe someone else needs that time" they would have no one going to them aha. going to your gp is your choice & is okay if you didn't even wanna in the end after thinking about it <3

    how are you doing today? Hope everything's okay <3 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    @Shaunie

    Thank you for that information, I will give it some serious consideration  <3

    I’m doing well, I spent some time with a [sort of] friend of mine which helped quiet my thoughts for a while until after when I started stressing if I said or did something wrong, heh.

    How’s your day going? x  <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Ah I always do that too. Hard not to sometimes. Most things that we think we did or said soemthing "wrong" they probably didn't take much note of. Hope you can do something you enjoy /distract yourself and do something to take care of yourself <3

    its okay thanks. Same shit, different day :)
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    edited August 2019
    @Shaunie

    Yeah, it’s become a bad habit that desperately needs breaking but I’m not in the right place to accomplish that at the moment. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in worrying about it, makes me feel a bit more “normal” [if there is such a thing].

    I went to see my psychologist after and it came up in conversation, although it wasn’t a significant topic. It made me feel slightly better about it but not as much as I’d like. 

    I’m glad your day is going okay, but what shit are you going through? No pressure to answer but if you want to talk, I’m here.  <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User
    Talking about it can help rationalise these sort of things or just being less alone with it. 
    How are you doing today ? Hope youre okay <3

    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Shaunie

    I’m not feeling too great today. I know it’s a negative way of thinking but I keep thinking that I’m going to wake up one day and find myself with nothing left. I’ve tried taking advice on how to stop negative thinking but nothing seems to work. I don’t know what to do anymore, and though talking about it helps for a while, the same feelings always comes back. I can’t escape what made me like this and I dread that it’ll continue to haunt me forever.

    How are you doing today? I hope your day goes well  <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 29 Boards Initiate
    Hi! It is horrible what you went through and I went through something very very similar 4 years ago, and it still affects me now. If you ever want to talk about what happened I am here for you and can empathise fully. It’s not a good feeling and can affect you and stop you from being able to trust for a long time. But remember you will get through it and find people who want and love you, it will get better. All my hugs coming your way today  <3
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