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Bereavement - My Dad
Past User
Posts: 0 Just got here
In an effort to be more open with people and get the advice and support when I need it, I'm going to try breaking down the mass of emotions and issues that I hyper focus on when I feel at my lowest. Starting with an issue that I'm not ashamed to talk about, but is by a country mile the worst for me, and sure to cripple me somewhat in thinking so deeply about to write this.
I guess I'll list things chronologically. When I was younger there was a period of multiple years where I didn't see my dad for years due to his issues with alcoholism. He would repeatedly injure himself and became unable to look after a younger me. My mum ended up stopping me from seeing him while he was abusing alcohol, up until he got help in a rehab facility. After he was better I eventually started seeing him again on weekends and I treasured it because despite his problems, I did and still do adore him. But it didn't last since he did start drinking again, and had caused himself multiple serious health problems. He was also somewhat aggressive when he was drunk but by this time I was older, and fed up with it so I was able to be just as aggressive back to him. After weeks going to see him, only for him to be constantly throwing up and comatose, I decided I'd had enough. I called him disgusting and told him I didn't want to see or speak to him until he'd sorted himself out, but that ended up being the last time I ever saw him, since he died of a pulminary embolism 2 weeks later.
I remember walking out of school really happy on the day my mum told me he had died, and having a completely dead reaction because I knew it could've been coming for a long time. And from there I did my best to distract myself and avoid thinking about and discussing it for years, hence my withdrawal socially. Almost 6 years on and I have many other things really getting to me, and the only person I want deperately to talk to and get advice from is my dad. Most of the time he was so calm and measured with the way he spoke to me, and that's always something that resonated with me. Since it's been such a long time I don't ever feel like I deserve to feel the way I do now, that I'm not being genuine about it, and that I should be over it by now. But nowadays whenever I do think about it, it's such a raw wound and those thoughts physically hurt me. I almost feel empty and that I will always be missing something I need in order to be happy, and I still have no faith that will ever change or get any better.
As I said, I adored that man and thinking about all the things I'll never be able to do with him again, or talk to him about, or share with him fucking cripples me.
I guess I'll list things chronologically. When I was younger there was a period of multiple years where I didn't see my dad for years due to his issues with alcoholism. He would repeatedly injure himself and became unable to look after a younger me. My mum ended up stopping me from seeing him while he was abusing alcohol, up until he got help in a rehab facility. After he was better I eventually started seeing him again on weekends and I treasured it because despite his problems, I did and still do adore him. But it didn't last since he did start drinking again, and had caused himself multiple serious health problems. He was also somewhat aggressive when he was drunk but by this time I was older, and fed up with it so I was able to be just as aggressive back to him. After weeks going to see him, only for him to be constantly throwing up and comatose, I decided I'd had enough. I called him disgusting and told him I didn't want to see or speak to him until he'd sorted himself out, but that ended up being the last time I ever saw him, since he died of a pulminary embolism 2 weeks later.
I remember walking out of school really happy on the day my mum told me he had died, and having a completely dead reaction because I knew it could've been coming for a long time. And from there I did my best to distract myself and avoid thinking about and discussing it for years, hence my withdrawal socially. Almost 6 years on and I have many other things really getting to me, and the only person I want deperately to talk to and get advice from is my dad. Most of the time he was so calm and measured with the way he spoke to me, and that's always something that resonated with me. Since it's been such a long time I don't ever feel like I deserve to feel the way I do now, that I'm not being genuine about it, and that I should be over it by now. But nowadays whenever I do think about it, it's such a raw wound and those thoughts physically hurt me. I almost feel empty and that I will always be missing something I need in order to be happy, and I still have no faith that will ever change or get any better.
As I said, I adored that man and thinking about all the things I'll never be able to do with him again, or talk to him about, or share with him fucking cripples me.
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Comments
Sorry about your dad, it's seems to me that even though he was a alcoholic you was still able to bond with him,
I was wondering if you have the same relationship with your mum as far as sharing your feelings and emotions,
Loses of people to are family can affect us in different ways and in ways we don't expect it, I'm only starting to feel the affect of the break up of my relationship now and we broke up two weeks ago,
Sending love and hugs to you
davcr0ck
Its really nice you are getting help
Put yourself in your Dad's shoes, he probably knows he did wrong as sometimes he talked to you reasonably and calmly. He understands you havent really seen him and need space. He probably died loving you, and if you loved him too ( even just a tiny bit) i bet you he realised and understood x
Dont feel guilty, you cant change what happened but you could change the future, e.g. visit his grave every 3 months and make sure it looks nice x
Hope this helps!
I'm the same of not wanting to be visibly emotional, it's why I love the mix is I can just dump all my thoughts in one place and then leave them and if people respond and give advice then even better
Stuff is never easy else what would be the point in life, sending hugs when you need them and message me if you wanna talk 😊
You did well to share this today! It's really important for you to know that bereavement can effect people in so may different ways, and there is no right way how to feel. However you feel is normal and is just how your mind has processed and reacted to something. You never need to feel guilty
You mentioned you feel desensitised because you feel it's just another thing happening. Firstly I wanted to send you hugs and support for what you have been through
Take good care
Hi @Spook98
I've just noticed this thread after replying to your other one - and I just want to say I know from your other thread that you find it hard to open up and talk to people about things that are personal for you so for you to be able to do this I think is incredible and brave and amazing!
The Mix have got a few articles with expert advice/helplines for coping with bereavement - maybe having a read of these could help:
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/grief-and-bereavement-6290.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/dealing-with-important-days-after-someones-died-24240.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/getting-grief-counselling-6696.html
As @coc0mac said ,can affect in all different ways. Your feeling are valid & deserve support you need & want for it. & you're not alone & we will support you.
Have you heard about cruse before? I know someone who had counselling with them cause in some areas in U.K. they offer couselling or some support on behearevement https://www.cruse.org.uk/